That seems like quite a lot for a destination wedding, esp. if you are staying for more than two days. I'd suggest having some sortof a "slumber party" for a bachlorette party. It's cheaper than going out. Also, you could ask another girl in the wedding party to chip in on decorations and food. For a gift I'd try to do one of those meaningful, sentimental gifts. Good luck. IF you get in a pinch, just tell the bride. I'm sure she'll be blushing if you explain all the grief you're going through.

I think it's too late to back out now to be honest. About present, i wouldn't get her anything expensive at all. If you feel bad about it, tell her the flights cost a lot, and when you have more money to spare you will treat her with something nice. I'm sure she'll understand. It's not about money, it's about support! The fact that you are flying there means a lot already.

about the hen night (girls party), i would save for it and i would spend as little as possible. You can be creative with this. Buy your drinks online, cook some lovely food, if you want call a masseur to come round for the girls. It's about spending time with your girlfriends. I wouldn't bother about a striper. To be honest i think it's kind of tacky .. but i understand some people think it's fun! I'm more of a quality time girl.

Hey i hope you are asking other maids to chip in on the hen night!

I think that this is entirely too much to ask of your friends to spend that much. Unless you are all very highly-paid people, I think that is unreasonable, imho.

800 dollars a night for a hotel room! YIKES!

"I wear my sunglasses at night so I can, so I can watch you live and breathe your storylines"

That would be up to the person-how much they are willing to pay.
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*Children Are A Gift From God*

I would say that instead of staying at some $800 a night hotel, find yourself a cheaper one. Most likely, that's not proper etiquette or anything like that, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it! Plain and simple. Also, try to find cheaper airfare now, while it's still early. There are sites where you can actually "bid" on how much you want your ticket to be, but you have to do it early.

As for a gift, something small and sentimental should be appreciated. Hit all of the antique shops or little shops on the main roads...sometimes you find some really nice things there, and you can possibly negotiate prices with the owner.

I would say that instead of staying at some $800 a night hotel, find yourself a cheaper one. Most likely, that's not proper etiquette or anything like that, but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it! Plain and simple. Also, try to find cheaper airfare now, while it's still early. There are sites where you can actually "bid" on how much you want your ticket to be, but you have to do it early.

As for a gift, something small and sentimental should be appreciated. Hit all of the antique shops or little shops on the main roads...sometimes you find some really nice things there, and you can possibly negotiate prices with the owner.

yep i think it's good if you can stay in a cheaper hotel. Everyone here has been really helpful to you I truly hope your friend appreciates your effort! Girl you're a good friend

I don't think that it is necessarily the added expense it is that you have to spend your money on a trip that you would never take to begin with. While I agree that the cost is rather high you said you would be there so get over it. Once your there you will probably have a fabulous time. As far as the BP goes I like the idea of a spa day that way everyone is responsible for the cost of what treatments they have except the bride of course, you can probably work a package deal with what ever spa you choose. As far as the gift goes, I think it is gift enough that you are going to the wedding but if you feel like you have to do something something very small and personal is best. If she has been married before they shouldn't need anything.

Wow. I am shaking my head at the idea that someone would ask their friends to do all of this.

But since you are stuck, you should probably just try your hardest to make it a fun time. I think you need to get a gift. Compared to a few thousand dollars, a $50 plate is going to seem like nothing

hi - i'm actually trying to plan a destination wedding and i'd like to avoid a situation like this. besides not picking a hotel that costs $800 a night, does anyone have any advice? Thanks!

boxem, be upfront with people about costs. Understand if people can't afford everything you want of them. Welcome them with baskets of stuff they can actually use. Be relaxed and try to save money where you can.

You can PM me for more in-depth or specific advice. (I am actually a wedding coordinator! I do it for church, so I don't charge anything. )

boxem180 i think you should be prepared for some people to turn down your invitation. I'm sure quite a few people would say no. I think if you could find a big house for people to rent together, that would be good and more people might actually show up. It cuts the cost right down for people. I also think if you can afford to rent a car for them while they are there, that would be nice also. If you are having people flying to your wedding i would make it clear that you don't want presents! I think it's only fair to your guests.

presents i mean wedding gifts...Also make it clear to people that you don't want them to spend a lot on your hen night. In UK some girls do a long weekend in spain or paris (totally waste of money if you ask me!). I'm so not into anything like that They spend a lot of money on drinks and only have a hangover to show for it!

Ok, I want to make some distinctions here about destination weddings, because I have several weddings to go to this year, and none of them is local! I don't think those really count as destination weddings just because I'll have to travel.

To me, a destination wedding is something that is outside of the contiguous 48 states, and that requires travel and length of stay above and beyond the norm. Like, you couldn't just fly up and back to Hawaii in a day, for example.

My opinion, which I realize is probably unpopular, is that destination weddings are a huge burden on your wedding guests, and maybe even a teeny bit selfish.

I have heard the argument that it's just like a vacation! And I've heard the argument that it will weed out people who aren't your closest friends anyway... that sort of thing.

The problem with that is that you are asking people to use their vacation time and spend a lot of money to see you get married. Your closest friends will feel resentful and bullied into it (like the above post), but will feel like they have to come, either because they are in the wedding, or because they don't want to hurt your feelings.

Other issues include, people not wanting to take a vacation there, or having their own vacations planned already so they can't afford to take the time off work. People with kids who would have to find sitters for several days, or bear the cost of bringing them with.

I guess if you are prepared for a lot of people to say no, and a lot of people to say yes and feel very overwhelmed about it, then a destination wedding is probably fine.

But thank god every wedding isn't a 3-4 day ordeal costing each guest multiple thousands of dollars! That would be like 12 vacation days alone for me this year.

i think it's freaking crazy popgoestheworld! I can't believe what people do! I think it's a beautiful day, i get that, but why spend a fortune on it? It can be just as lovely low key. The rest of your lives together is far more important than a wedding party! Man i guess i am from a different generation or something.

pop...I definitely understand where you are coming from. There are a lot of brides and grooms out there that think people should do whatever they want. However, there are ways to do a destination wedding without all the drama or craziness you stated. Couples that do it the right way, say "We would love it if you came, but we understand if you can't." Our friends got married in Hawaii last spring and it didn't burden anyone. They didn't pressure anyone to attend and they held a reception when they got home for those who couldn't make it.

I understand bfly1133. Well like i said if you can cut the cost for them it would be good! I think it's only fair not to expect presents from your guests also. If they feel terrible about it, tell them to donate it to charities! But my guess is they would be glad.

andaman, I am with you. I am a wedding planning/coordinator and I can't understand how people spend so much money on their weddings. Now, if you have it to spend then by all means go for it if you really want to. But I think they money can be better spent elsewhere. That's just me.

We had an amazing wedding that was very elegant and sophisticated. We had a theme, "Hollywood Glamour." Our guests thought we spent a fortune. They estimated about $30,000. In reality, we spent less than $7,000 and that included the honeymoon.

bfly, I'm sure you are right that there is a nice way to do it. However I think unless the bride and groom front a portion of the bill, people are going to have to pick between seeing their friends or family get married, and maybe not getting to take their own vacation etc.

And I also think some people will definitely feel like they have to go even if they aren't really excited about it, for example the person who agreed to be in the wedding in this post. I'm sure the friend would be super pissed if she said: "Look, I didn't realize it was going to be this much, I'm sorry I can't do it."

I think a reception on the homefront would be an awesome idea to let the people celebrate who couldn't get away for the weekend. And I do like Andaman's idea of renting a house while there and providing transportation.

Your friends are pretty rude to pick such an expensive destination wedding! I think is people want to get married in an exotic local they should expect very few friends and family to be able to spend the time and money to join them. It seems selfish and inconsiderate to assume everyone they know has that much disposable income and free time!

I had a destination wedding, myself. We got married at a beautiful place in Las Vegas. My family's from CA and my husband's from NY, and we thought it was a good compromise as everyone we knew loved Las Vegas. We did tell everyone a year and a half in advance to give everyone a chance to save up, but we also told them that we would love for them to be there, but understood if perhaps it was too costly or took away from their personal vacation time. Everyone who could come and who wanted to come was there. Those who didn't, but wished they could... sent beautiful cards and I personally called them to tell them they would be missed, but we understood. If you can't afford it, just be honest and say it's too much money but tell them how happy you are for them and do what you can -- if they're good friends, they'll understand.