Dear Sugar,
I dated someone for almost three years until he started to feel less for me. We thought we solved it, but a week later we broke up. We continued to hook up afterwards, but it didn't take long for him to date someone else. Eventually I did too, and I love my boyfriend more than anything, however I still think about my ex sometimes. We talk and see each other every once in a while. I've held onto all of his emails, cards, and gifts and whenever I go through them, I get very emotional and think I want him back. Does this mean I still want to be with him or is he just my first love that I won't ever forget about?
— Past Pleasures Paige
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Dear Past Pleasures Paige,
I don't think it's at all weird to harbor fond memories of past relationships or a specific ex, and there's nothing wrong with caring for an ex and being in love with your boyfriend, but if the longing for something else is affecting your current relationship then perhaps it's time to put the past to rest. Stop lingering through all the remnants of your old relationship and avoid hanging out with him for a while. Try to refocus your energy on the present and making new memories.
If after all this you still find yourself wanting your ex more than your boyfriend, perhaps it's time for serious reflection away from both men. Realize that in the end, it's not so much a matter of whether or not you want your ex back, but rather if you truly want to be in your current relationship. Only you can decide what's right for you, so listen to your instincts above all else.
Matthew Williamson
Prescriptives
Celine
I agree with Dear. Get rid of all those things that remind you of him. keeping a few pictures and gifts is fine, but saving every old email and all that is not healthy. You are only torturing yourself by hanging on like that. Its hard to say if this really means that you want him back. Sometimes it just takes a while to get used to a big change like that, but the first step is letting go of all that stuff.
1I agree with dear and allourregrets. I think he's just your first love that you won't ever forget about. I agree that you should get rid of at least most of the old stuff. You have to seriously try to move on first, then you can asses whether you feel the same way about the situation.
2I think that most people never forget about their first love, and it is normal to remember good times and reminise. But it is so easy to just remember the good times and forget about the bad. There is a reason that you two broke up, and it sounds like he basically broke up with you. I understand how that feels, when you still want to be with someone but they don't. I'll be honest, it sounds like you were still emotionally attached to him because you mentioned that you were still sleeping together. It sounds to me that he was basically using you for sex until he met someone else. I'm not trying to sound mean, that is just what it sounds like to me and I have been through something similar. I think he sounds kind of like a big jerk. But you loved him, and never wanted the relationship to end in the first place. So I think it's normal to still think about him.
I don't think that you should keep all of that stuff and look through it, because it only reminds you of the good times. He just did not appreciate you as much as he should have. I hope your current guy sees all of your good qualities. Think of it this way: is your ex bf the man that you felt certain that you wanted to marry and raise kids with? If not, then I think you just need to start thinking about all of the sh*tty stuff he did to you. You will get over it and stop thinking about him so much, it just takes time for that to happen. Also, you were with him for a pretty long time, so it makes sense that you still think of him.
3you need to either get rid of all the things that remind you of him, or put them out of sight. you shouldn't be in such close contact with him either if you are having a hard time moving past him even though you are in love with someone else.
you need to understand that an ex is an ex for a reason. there's plenty of reasons why it didnt work out with him and you are both seeing other people so clearly you didn't want to be together that badly. you are just missing the familiarity of that relationship and the memories. all that has changed now. you can hold on to your memories but you can't go back to it.
its normal to always remember a first love. i still think of mine fondly even though we moved on a long time ago. its time to let him go completely and focus on your relationship and stop looking back.
4I'm with everyone else... you will never completely forget about him considering he was your first love and the fact that he was a huge part of your life for so long. I know it's hard and it is not going to be easy, but just rid yourself of the things that remind you of him whether it is pictures, cards, or if you have a certain song on your ipod DELETE it! Just remember that there was a reason you broke up and that he wasn't right for you. Don't focus solely on the good days, because there were bad ones too. And be happy that you have someone else in your life that has proven to be everything you wanted not just part! Good luck!
5I periodically go through stuff from exes and get all nostalgic. I would never get rid of the stuff. I loved these guys and they loved me and I like having these little artifacts of that love. Heck, I still love each and every one of them, and why not? No one says we bury love and forget all about it.
6I was in this same situation and my ex was my first love too and I was his first love. We do talk sometimes and always tells me how he regrets leaving me and how my current boyfriend is lucky, etc. But I threw away and gave back any memories of my ex after he broke it off because it would just make it harder for me to move on. My ex and I have a lot more stuff in common than I have with my current boyfriend, but I don't want my ex back. That was his loss when he broke up with me. I'm really happy in my current relationship. For me, the past is the past. It's time to let go. But only you can decide what you really want.. Your ex, your current boyfriend, or neither.
7i have to agree- it's healthy to still have some emotions towards your ex since you invested so much time and energy into the relationship - i just think that if you're keeping all those momentos, you're not giving yourself the chance to move past him entirely - and that's kind of what's pulling you back. if you don't have the reminders around you, then you won't have reason to think about him so much, and then you will know if it's something to pursue more. if you don't have the pictures and notes to make you think about your past, then will you? or will you focus more on your current boyfriend who you love. i think that you'll find your answer there.
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