I agree with E. Jean on this one. I think your friend has the right to know. Lay the facts out for her and it is up to her to make the decision. This is the rest of her life we are talking about and possibly a child's if they go through their plans for a baby.

Of course you should tell her! Money lost is one thing, her happiness and emotional stability much more important.

ha-ha I love your advice, yeah I def agree, you need to tell her especially since you are obviously very close to her.

She will be hurt, she might even not believe you at first but once she gets past the shock value and comprehends what you are telling her she will come to the realization.

Just make sure you are supportive to her as you can be and if she asks for space give it to her.

Agreed! Better to recieve this information now than after there are so many emotional, physical and financial investments made... grrr... what a scumbag.

If you're sick to your stomach now... imagine how you'll feel on her wedding day, knowing what you do. There'a reason you have that gut instinct kicking in.

Damn, that sucks! The "fluke" was meant to happen. Tell your friend.

And camera phones people! Sometimes, these things DO come in handy!

Gosh, I'm steamed about this.

You have a moral obligation to tell her. Even if she ignores you or doesn't believe you, your conscience will be clean. Even if your friendship suffers, at least you'll have done the right thing. Oh my God, this is just disgusting....

How utterly disgusting and distasteful! What a horrible guy... and I mean HORRIBLE! There is no doubt in my mind that you should tell your friend -- she'll thank you for it in the end. If he's cheating now, imagine what he'll be doing when she's sitting at home pregnant with his child. UGH! Cheating disgusts me.

Wow, I can't believe this actually happened. I'd hate to be in your position, but I'd tell her or else it will eat away at you. Good luck.

that is very sound advice. god forbid your best friend remains married to said scum bag and after two babies and five years finds out he's been having affairs every year they'd been married, divorce ensues and you 'fess up saying you'd known before they had gotten married.
save your girlfriend now rather than trying to patch her up after she's badly damaged goods ):
why men (and women) think cheating is ok (do they not have a working moral compass??) is absolutely beyond me... ):

You definitely have to tell her if for no other reason than this one:

I have a wonderful friend who was crazy in love with her husband. I saw him with a business associate once engaged in something that was "questionable" but not to the extreme the poster here states. Other friends saw a variety of "questionable" things. We all said nothing. Then, when she was 5 months pregnant, she came back from one of her prenatals extremely upset - he had passed on an STD to her! Fortunately, it was treatable, but the emotional trauma on her was enormous! She is now a divorced, single parent.

I so wish I had mentioned what I saw before she and this innocent child became victims of this jerk's awful behavior! Tell her, tell her, tell her!

You know something this happen to me. My BFF was at home sleeping while her Boyfriend was out in the movies with another girl I caught him and quickly dialed her. She was a mess when she got to the movies. I was called a nosey busy body for letting her know. At the end the fought and got back together and I was stuck looking at their faces everyday. Till she realized that he was a total jack-off. I swear, sometimes I wished I would have stayed quite.

But in your case, I say go for it and let her know. They might end up thinking that you have ruined their life but you know what at least she didn't walk down the aisle with that a**

MartiniLush - oh. my. God. That is HORRIFYING.

I agree, tell her. Be aware though that she will probably hate you for telling her. But she will thankful eventually. She needs to know and if she decides to stay anyways, that is her issue. Good luck!

You HAVE TO TELL HER! My ex was cheating on me before we got married, after we divorced for him cheating I found out that people I worked with knew he was cheating while we were engaged. I dont speak to those people anymore. They could have saved me from 2 years of pain..But chose not to. Please tell your friend, and then give her space to take it all in..But let her know you are only a phone call away...

WTF?!? Sheesh what a sick disgusting jerk of a man!!!!

This is a disaster, six wks before the wedding no less. Gah!

Truth will set you free. E. Jean is right. A true friend tells the truth to her girl, I mean can you imagine after they have a kid and then that child has to go through a nasty divorce b/c she found her husband with her daughter/son's 3rd grade teacher!!! Oy!

Awww i'm sad this happened though. I'm praying for you and your friend to get through this. B/c you are a true friend I know you are feeling her pain.

My sympathies to you and your friend, but you HAVE to tell her, and if she ends up taking out her rage on you, take it, accept it and just be there for her. Your duty is to be a good friend. I second E.Jean completely.

I completely agree with E.Jean on this...she's got to be told, even if it's the hard thing to do right now. Think about if you didn't tell her...she marries him, gets pregnant, gives birth, raises a child with this man, and eventually gets her heart broken. It will be SOOOOO much worse if she has to deal with betrayal on top of potential divorce, financial stresses, and OF COURSE a child...pleeeeeeeeeeease tell her now what you saw.

I can't believe this is even a question. Of course you should tell her

TELL HER! If I was ever in your friends shoes, I would want to know! You can't control how she takes or handles it, but at least you know you were honest and open.

you need to tell her. she must know he was away and not at home with her that night and the fact that you happened to be in the same place and saw this dirtbag cant be ignored even if she is blinded by "love"...

he will continue to do this and she will end up worse after they are married... what if she finds out after they have kids... it will be much messier than calling off a wedding beforeit happens.

you will feel terrible later on and she will never forgive you if you tell her when all this blows up in her face AFTER the wedding, because it will. she iwll never trust you again and i'm sure if you were in her shoes you would absolutely want to know. if she freaks out and accuses you of lying like many delusional people do when confronted with the truth it will only come back to bite her in the ass later and she will eventually come running back to you OR she will have a clear head and listen to you as her best friend. either way you wont have the guilt on your shoulders and she wont be blind to his bullsh*t.

You have to tell her... she may get mad, but its the right thing to do for both of you. She needs to have all the facts before marrying this di**head. Men like that really get my goat!!!

I have had to tell a friend this about a boyfriend before. I know that isn't as serious as this situation. My friend was totally in love with the guy and refused to believe me. It ruined our friendship even though the guy ended up being horrible and they broke up awhile later. THAT SAID, it is the right thing to do to tell her and I believe I made the right choice when I told my friend. I'm so sorry you're in this position. Good luck.

Usually there's some disagreements on DearSugar, but I'm surprised to see that every single poster thinks you should tell her. And I agree with them all! Put yourself in her shoes; she's about to make a huge commitment, one that her fiance is obviously not as invested in as she is. Wouldn't you want her to tell you if you were in her position? Don't you think your friend deserves to marry someone who is as in love with and so invested in the relationship as she is?

Tell her. I wouldn't want to be in the dark if it's me in her shoes. You're being a good friend, promise. She would probably be in denial at first, of course, as you said she's head over heels over this guy. She's gonna hate it, but it's something that she needs to know. Pronto. I say it's a good thing she's not pregnant yet.

i think i would call mr. wonderful and say "so, i was in atlanta last week and i saw you at (name of restaurant). my heart tells me that you should be the one to tell (name of bff) about your business there. but if you don't tell her by friday i will show her the pix i on my camera phone". end of discussion, you hang up then. do not comment on him being scum, wrong, allow him to say it was a mistake, etc.

then call your friend and tell her that you want to take JUST her out to dinner friday night. mr. wonderful will hear that the 2 of you have plans and either pony up with his side of the story to her or it will be your turn.

I'm surprised by the unanimity too, but I completely agree.

I wouldn't call her though. I would set up drinks or dinner or coffee (coffee is probably best - she may want to throw up when she hears) and I would tell her gently and face to face.

I doubt you'll be able to forgive yourself when (not if) it goes bad if you knew and didn't tell.

Good luck!

Yeah, you should tell her, but be prepared for her to not believe you - I sure wouldn't want to hear it this close to my wedding. Are you in the wedding? If she doesn't believe you and you are in the wedding - that could be awkward. Like someone wrote earlier - you should have taken a picture... so sorry...

That's horrible! I don't think you would be a very good friend if you DIDN'T tell her. She might not believe you, but you have to tell her!

I agree that you need to tell her. Years ago I told one of my best friends that I witnessed her BF cheating. She didn't believe me and became very angry with me. She is now married to and has 2 kids with that loser (who I hear got another girl pregnant), and we are no longer friends... but at least I know I did what I needed to.

Boo!!! what a jerk! Yea if I were in that situation, I'd want to be told about that, it'll be hard but it's for the best. Save her future years of anguish.

How humiliated will this poor woman be when she marries the man she thinks is the love of her life, only to find out later (inevitably) that he had a history of cheating on her years before.

Sugars!

I founded my advise on what happened
to one of my best friends a couple
of years ago.

She is a SENSATIONAL woman----vibrant,
brilliant, beautiful, and rich. She was married
to a world-famous guy; they divorced.
She was sad for two years. Then she
met a very handsome, creative, affectionate man.
He swept her off her feet.

She was so happy she threw a huge party
in her town house so she could introduce
him to all her friends.

During the party I happened to wonder up to my friend's
private bathroom so I could fix my
false eyelash (LORD!) and I heard someone
in my friend's private gym. I peered in
and there was the new boyfriend with the wife
of a famous attorney (and television anchor)
in a clinch so tight it looked like
nuclear fusion.

They had met only 30 minutes before!!

I backed away silently.

The next day I called my friend and told her.
She was devastated. DEVASTATED! She cried,
called me back, cried some more.

She was so in love----she was actually expecting
him to propose to her that night!

But because I had been so vehement, because I
had gone into such detail describing the clinch
I saw, she broke up with him.

He won her back with a bunch of horse hockey flowers
and a romantic dinner.

Two weeks later she discovered him in her bedroom shooting up
heroine. Later it came out he was in a hideous
financial situation and was probably just
romancing my friend to get at her money.

The lesson I learned: Always tell the woman!

here's an idea: tell her, let her marry him, and let her catch him and take half of what he's got. jeeeez she can use this to her advantage. becuase, honestly, this is the saddest situation. i'm sorry you had to get involved in this, and sorry that this poor girl has to be in this situation!

I think you should talk to him! Actually it's always better if you make yourself seen at the place of the 'incident' that way they can't deny it. If you ever see something like this going on, stop over in between him sucking face and go and say hi, or get his attention and wave, or hell even send over a drink to the "lucky table" and that'll get his attention. Then there's really nothing he can do later to deny it, which will likely happen.

The only way you can tell your best friend is if you know that she'll trust you over him. If she won't ever think her fiance would do that and it'd ruin your relationship with her, then it isn't worth it. You can always sit her down, and ask her if her fiance was seen being unfaithful to her, would she want to be told. And that way you can let her kind of ease into it and let her have the bad news when she's ready for it.

i agree completely with lickety split. that was great advice and she should definitely do that. if anything he will squirm and she will pick up on him being "different" i would plan on telling her anyway so she knows that you saw him and that you are being a good friend by telling her, but atleast give him the courage to turn himself in hahaha lovess ittt

I can't believe nobody else has commented on my favorite new insult, "pantyhands." I'm with E. Jean and so many of you — when you see this sort of thing, you gotta say something to the friend. Wouldn't you want to know?

So sad, but you have to tell her.

im with lickety split too
give him an ultimatum, either u tell her or i will
and lie about proof, say u have some

and just be there for that poor unexpecting girl
tsk tsk...i hope he burns in hell

I would be scared to tell him first because then he could concoct some story and make you the bad guy. Like you came on to him and when he wouldn't take the bait you told him you would accuse him of something like this.

I'd either confront her, or the two of them together, but a cheater like that can't be trusted to tell the truth.

I absolutely think you need to tell her... but you need to be prepared that she may not believe you, and she may take it out on you. As her best friend, you need to do the right thing and break the news, and trust that in time she will realize that you told her the truth and will come back to you... but in the meantime, she may think you made it all up.

I've seen one too many friendships destoyed by this. I don't know WHY women still constantly believe that the best friend made up the lies about the cheating husband, because what kind of best friend would do that? Just be prepared and tread carefully... but tell her before she makes the biggest mistake of her life.

No No don’t tell her she will get upset with you it’s not your fault you went out for dinner plus he can use the whole your jealous routine and it could backfire onto you.
This is what you do get him on his own state you saw him you’re not happy and he has 24 hours to tell her himself. If not then you will go and talk to her parents about their future son in-laws behaviour. You must be clear, calm and concise with this man try to keep your anger towards what he has done to your friend to a minimum also it could be helpful to take someone with you (maybe someone else who was there that night).
The gutless wretch did this so he has to become a man and tell her himself. Also state that if he doesn’t say the whole story and tries lying his way out of it you will be forced to tell your friend yourself.
You could also mention you have a few camera phone photos of his big night out if he was that busy he will never know if you do or don’t. Which you are sure her dad or mum would love to see and watch the colour drain from his smug face
We had the same thing happen many years ago and believe me he wasn’t such a man by time he knew we meant what we said he did also confess what he had done which left us to do our job of being a friend to the one who had been hurt.
Good luck and whatever you do don’t let her marry him without knowing the facts.

Yes, tell her.
This happened to a friend of mine recently. She had been in this relationship for 5 years until one of her room mates saw him at a bar with another girl. they were kissing, snuggling and so on. That night her roommate sat down with her and they both cried together. That was a year ago next month. Now, looking back, she knows he was not the guy for her anyway. She is in much happier place and a healthier relationship with a great guy.

TELL HER! It will work out for the best!

whyyyyyyy do men do this all the time??
what's the big attraction to it? I never understood it.
you always get caught sooner or later anyway!
come on... you really can't be that naive to think that your spouse will never find out...

god, I hope he grows some b*lls and don't dare to deny it when you or she confront/s him.

seriously, it's so f-up... I would tell her but advise her to do what skygurl said just for the sake of seeing him suffer a little! haha (or a lot! )

i would have walked right up to him with her on the phone & told him that his Fiance wanted to speak to him!

I'm in the minority here. I would have handled the situation differently.

If I was the OP, I would have confronted that a**hole right then and there. I would have walked up to that table, and waited until he was done, and asked quietly and darkly,"What are you doing?" I would have informed that woman that this man is marrying my bestfriend in six weeks, and I do NOT support this behavior. Depending on his reaction, I would act accordingly. But I would have stuck up for my best friend, and confronted that man.

i would have confronted the guy myself. if I hadn't, I'd definitely tell my best friend, even though it may hurt her.

However, I've experienced such situations in the past--where this girl I didn't really know was dating my boyfriend (he was a classy guy, I tell you) and she didn't know about us, but I knew about them, so I broke up with him and tried to warn her, but she thought I was just being psycho, ended up marrying the guy a month later and they're already divorced, and she's only 23. Sometimes girls just don't want to believe you!!

Oooooh this situation SUCKS. I've lost friends over something like this. I was advised to keep my mouth shut, but I didn't. It was a friend fk'n around on my old [male] roommate. There's no pretty way around this. You're fk'd if you know something, fk'd if you say anything also. So sorry. I only spoke up because I would want to know. But some people are better off living their lies I guess. Best of luck to you and your situation.

How could you NOT tell her? That'd be like watching as your friend throws herself into a fire pit. Be easy on her and make sure that you're there as much as possible to make it through the hard times, but she must know.

YES! Sure she's going to be upset but don't worry about that. It's a lot better for her to find out now than for her to get married and think she's going to live a happy life and end up having him leave her anyways.