I'm so confused. He's not your boyfriend and you clearly said you wouldn't date him. How exactly did she betray you? Unless you are lying to us, and possibly yourself, your friend did nothing wrong. I would probably laugh if I caught my best guy friend like that with any of my friends--not be upset. The only reason you would be betrayed is if you were dating him, sleeping with him, or really liked him & told your friend. If you did tell her, did you also tell her you would never date him? I don't know, this sounds like an easy forgive situation from the facts you've given us. But I also have a feeling you aren't telling us everything.

I'm with Javsmav.

"On a whim last Friday, we met for dinner and had wonderful conversation, and I left feeling surprisingly elated, though I still knew he and I would never be anything serious."

Clearly, that man was unimportant to you. So why do you feel "betrayed?" That's irrational.

You seem to let some trivial man come between you and your bestfriend.

ladies i think they were sleeping together. she said they started a "casual relationship" but they knew its nothing serious.
and if thats the case i think its very inappropriate for ur friend to start messing around with him. and her emotional state is no excuse. we've all been in bad emotional states, but from my experience, i kept my top down and i was never found on my friends' men's laps.

I think that the poster did have feelings for this man. They had met 4 yrs ago and they were maintaining some form of relationship even though she knew right away that he wasn't boyfriend material. So, I'm sure she had feelings for him. For a bff not to know that you're bff has been crushing on a guy that long...that's ashame. Anyways, you will get over it. Give it some time and when things are done with...you'll realize that the guy is "stupid guy" and a waste of time. Why waste your time an someone you know isn't right? And, when you're ready, you should forgive your bff because she had a lapse of judgment but it takes two to tango. If he didn't want her on his lap, it wouldn't have happened.

Oh, for f*ck sakes! Please grow up. "i spit on him! now you can't even look at him" "He looked at me in the supermarket, you can't date him!" He's not your anything because you're not even his girlfriend, you're just some girl he has sex with.

Whatever relationship she has with the guy, the girlfriend knew about it. I think that's why she feels she has been betrayed by her girlfriend. If the girlfriend wanted to make a move on the guy, I think that requires a bit of a heads up, assuming of course that she knows about the "casual relationship" her friend and the guy has.

Like what's said above, forgive when you're ready. And look for a guy that you'll have a real relationship with. Having a rift with a friend and being hurt and confused - over a guy you don't even see a future with is kind of.. well, blah. Sorry, I can't think of the exact word. But blah kind of really sums it up.

Settle for love, don't settle for 'well, there's physical attraction but that's it'. I'm being idealistic here, but really, why waste your time if you know it's going nowhere? No more casual relationships for you. Lol

I agree with TheEnchantedOne.

If the gf knew there was anything going on between the OP and the guy, (whatever it was that was going on), it was a little shady of the gf to do anything. But yeah, I would forgive the friend for this when you feel ready, even though it wasn't a good thing for her to do.

I don't think it's necessarily wrong for him to hook up with another person, since you two hadn't seen each other in a year and aren't dating. But I still think it shows that he's a bit of a jerk. He invited you out, then hooked up with another person when you got there! It's not cheating or anything but that's just kind of sleazy. And your friend was discourteous as well. I sympathize with you...you don't need either of these people.

As wrong as it may have been for her to choose this particular guy to fool about with (I'm assuming by casual it was a casual sexual relationship) I can understand your friend acting in this manner. She was at a low point and she was desperately looking for someone to make her feel attractive (perhaps not the best way to achieve some self esteem, I know) and he was there. I doubt it would of been anything serious.

Just put it behind you and stop talking to this guy. A guy who'd do anything with a friend of a girl he's been involved with is not the kind of person either of you need in your life.

I don't think you need to dump either of them. You're not with this guy and know he's not right for you. You can't keep him on the back burner until the time is right for you two to be together which may never happen. You don't own him and you can't expect him to wait around for you especially if you didn't see him for a year. Your friend realizes that this hurt your feelings and she doesn't even have anything to be sorry about except upsetting you. She seems like she's going through a hard time and you should really cut her some slack. If she feels the need to apologize and admits she was wrong, when in my opinion she didn't do anything really wrong, she's a good friend. I saw mend the friendship with both your girl friend and your guy friend. They messed up.

I don't get it... who did anything wrong here? You aren't dating this guy and your friend is in a vulnerable place right now.

If anything HE should be apologising to your friend for taking advantage of her in this state and you should be supporting her, not disowning her.

This guy isn't your boyfriend and never will be. Why do you need to break off contact with EITHER of them? Very strange...

I dunno, I guess I'm the odd one out here. I believe in not going after whoever my friend is dating. Even if it wasn't a full blown relationship there was still something going on between them and for your friend to have done that seems shady. I think you can eventually forgive your friend, whenever you feel ready. I'd probably keep my guard up after that though.

"but given the reason for the failure of her marriage, how could she do that to a best friend? How do I even begin to forgive her? How can I ever trust her again? I am at a complete loss of how to handle this."

You weren't in a relationship... but your friend apparently knew you were spreading it for this guy and that you had feelings for him. But you knew what you were in for because you knew better than to put him into a permanent relationship. But for her to hop off his lap and act humiliated, she knew your feelings were at stake. (And what happened after you left? She was probably still drunk or whatever.. do you think they just ended things there?)

Give it some time if you don't know what to do. Judging from her behavior she felt she didn't owe you anything - So you don't owe her anything either. You don't even have to talk to her until you are ready.

You do have a few options..

You could just ignore her.

You can send her a very WELL-THOUGHT-OUT email/letter telling her _very briefly_ how you feel and that you will speak to her when you are ready... but the more you drag it out the more you will look jealous [of her].. and since she's been dragging through the dirt by her exhusband this might be just what she needs to validate herself. Kinda sad. You can't really trust anybody.

...Or you could act like you thought about it and you just don't give a sh!t. And then, get busy and have a life outside of her. (I had a friend do something similar to me.. only she thought I really cared about the person. I didn't care half as much as she did really [because the sex was like I wasn't even there! we only had sex once and I wasn't going out of my way for it like her]. It seems to bother her more that I'm really unaffected by it for some reason.)

oh get over it! just because you were sleeping with him doesnt mean he's yours!

If you didn't have feelings for him, why are you betrayed? I feel as though you might not be being honest with yourself.

This isn't a simple black or white situation for me. First, you were in the wrong for treating your long f*ckbuddy relationship as an actual relationship. Know that in the future, anybody you claim to see casually, have no feelings for, and only see for sex is 100% a free agent. Okay. BUT your friend was in the wrong as well. She broke the code, and she knows she broke it. It doesn't matter if he was just your f*ckbuddy - the bottom line is that she knew he was, and she didn't ask you. But my advice is to get over it - she apologized, it's over. Salvage your friendship and end the "casual thing" with this man. Something like this happened to me and I learned two lessons from it.

Wow, you guys can be pretty mean. I think I'd be upset if I were her, don't forget she wrote she felt "elated" after seeing him again. Clearly, she had some feelings and it's hard not to when you're in a semi-relationship. My feelings would be hurt too if a friend did this to me. I say just give it some time.

Since you feel "betrayed", I'm guessing you do have some feelings for him even though you're saying there can be nothing more since he's not "boyfriend material". So I think you do, but you're denying your feelings. So you should do some thinking.

she doesnt need to love him to feel betrayed.
but isnt it common knowledge not to sleep with anyone ur friend's sleeping with?
i think that lacks in class.

Why is it that some of us will excuse a man for anything and hold everything little thing over our girl friends' heads? Your friend has a newborn, recently discovered her husband had never been faithful to her and is going through a divorce. Your f*ck buddy pounces on her in this state and all you can think of is that she shouldn't have touched your piece of meat? I'm sorry, I think your priorities and your sympathies are way off here. I'm not saying your friend isn't accountable for herself but in the whole scheme of things, who was the farthest out of line here?

If you want honest advice, you have to be honest with us. If you are sleeping with him--say so. If you like him (even if you know it won't work out)--say so. What does your friend know about your relationship? Did you tell your friend the same nonsense you are telling us? She's drunk & going through crap in her life, I bet it was easy for her to justify a little hook up--until she saw your face, then maybe she realized how much you really like him? It might have been a bad judgment call--but it sounds forgivable to me.

(I don't understand why you all think she is holding something back and not telling us everything.. Maybe I missed something? ..apparently I did since a lot of you think this? [it even looks odd since DearSug didn't answer it, but maybe she's just busy since it's the weekend.])

She's telling us this guy is just a friend, yet she feels betrayed. And apparently most people think "casual relationship" means sex--I didn't read it like that. If she just said we're having sex, or we have a casual sexual relationship, or even friends with benefits if she's uncomfortable using the word sex, then we'd understand the situation better. It would also help to know what the friend knew. I've always kept my "casual relationships" (that's what kids are calling it these days) on the DL---even if we were dating, just casually dating. If my friend is going through a bunch of sh*t, I may not tell her about my little fling.

omg, I am such a loser spending all this effort on dear sugar post at 9:30 at night. I need to get a life...or at least a job in the same city as my boyfriend.

Javsmav, i'm a loser too, come join me.

Didn't the OP reply to this in another thread and say that she had told the girlfriend how she felt at the party. The girlfriend asked about him and she told her something about 'the rules' ???

I replied to the original post. The OP was kind enough to clarify a few things on the original post.

She was having sexual relationship with this man (fwb or 'casual' relationship).

Her bff knows about him as a fwb of hers and she also knew that the OP starts to cross the line of fwb and wants to try and date the guy or hope to date him.

And if I'm not mistaken, the OP clarified that he asked her out on a date and then at the same time, she already made plan with her bff so she decided to take her bff too.

And laluna is right, the OP has talked to her bff and told her how she felt about that guy (about wanting to try and date him) at the party just before she found her bff and that guy in a compromising position.

That's why her bff was apologizing to her when she caught them and that she said no stupid guy should come between best friends. Honestly, if her bff feels that way, she shouldn't have succumb to temptation, but that's just my opinion

My suggestion still stands, only OP knows how much she cares about her bff to forgive and forget about the incident. If she cares/loves her bff very much, she should try to work on their friendship, if not, she can move on with her life and drop her bff the way she has dropped her ex-fwb.
I mean, obviously her bff is in the dumper/a huge mess, not everyday people who are in a normal state of mind will want to be the sloppy second of her bff.

Good luck again OP. I think your initial reaction of hurt and feeling betrayed is very normal so don't feel bad about feeling that way.

I don't know what to think. The fact that her friends husband was unfaithful to her throughout their whole marriage, even while making a family with her makes me so mad. I can see where something so crushing could lead her to irrational behavior. I agree with nevaeh about how feeling hurt and betrayed at first are normal feelings. sShe should probably take some time to feel hurt, sort her feelings out and reconnect with her friend. This guy she was hooking up with sounds like a jerk anyways and he doesn't have a good excuse for such behavior like her friend.

YES, forgive your friend. You haven't seen the guy in a YEAR and you all go so drunk you couldn't drive home...OF COURSE some sh*t is going to go down. They didn't even have sex together, your friend is going through a hard time. It's easy to have to have bad judgement when you have been drinking and are in the middle of a divorce/break-up. sh*t happens and I think she should be forgiven.

P.S. maybe it's a good thing for you this happened, it sounds like you need to move on from this guy and find someone worth your time!

I would never fool around with a guy any of my friend's were fooling around with - doesn't matter how casual their relationship is (f*ck buddies, what have you). I also wouldn't let my emotional state (divorce or a bad breakup) excuse such stupid behaviour.

I would be just embarrassed that my BFF is a Wh*re!! Who does that??? Isn't she lactating? GROSS!!

No wonder her marriage is over.

If the guy was more than your f*ck buddy...you should've said something....technically, they've done nothing to you. He probably does this on a regular basis when you're not around.

BTW, no break-up/divorce excuse is acceptable...she's a mother...she should have more sense than lifting her shirt for a random guy to see!

She was drunk, give her a break!

She was trying to make herself feel better in a totally innapropriate way.She probably feels very undesirable because her man cheated on her talk to her ,let her know you can forgive this.This man is not worth the effort your giving him!!I am sure you can do so much better,it sounds as though he is a fly by night.

Girl, you're trippin.

just be thankful you found out that your friends-with-benefits was NOT ready for a relationship.

Yeah yeah, your friend is an attention whor-ing slut (never mind vulnerable).
So what?
Too bad your friend didn't treasure your friendship and remind herself that EVEN HER FRIEND'S FWB is off-limits. (whoever above that said sex is only sex, uh, sex holds tremendous amount of emotion very often, esp. in this case.)

Honestly, a lot of people commenting above aren't putting themselves in the OP's shoes...
if I was starting to think about getting in a relationship with a fwb, I would be EXPLODING with anger to see my friend that I invited to a DATE with my possible future boyfriend on his lap.

Sorry for the situation...
I really got nothing to add, other than I'd be pretty pissed myself, even if being me, I wouldn't have let it show in front of the guy in a million years.
Other than that, the minute I read "she was sitting on his lap with his shirt up" I couldn't take the image of a pressumably lactating woman breastfeeding an adult man off my mind... anyone else thought of that?? It sounds kind of perverted, at least to me...it disturbed me for some reason... go figure. I probably read too much Dan Savage anyway.

with HER shirt up

sorry, I had a bad sleep night.

Forgive. It was wrong of her to go after a guy you have a sexual relationship with-- even if he's not your bf, she knew what was going on and it was wrong to go after him. However, I would cut her some slack because her personal life is miserable right now and she was obviously very intoxicated. If she is a good friend of yours, I wouldn't let this incident end the friendship. People make drunken mistakes all the time.

Umm ok if the guy was your boyfriend then I would say it's wrong. But he's not and you can't lay claim to someone that you won't even commit to. Yes maybe the girl shouldn't have been letting him feel her up but that was his choice. And what the hell does he's not boyrfirend material mean if you're still going to screw him? Know your roll if your going to be a f**k buddy then be that and don't get your panties in a wad if the guy has more thna one of you. really people we keep puttign ourselves in these situations and then wanting to whine when the natural consequences occur. Either own up to your feelings and admit that you want to be with this guy and don't let him convince you to settle for what you can get or have the casual relationship you claim to be having and don't have sex with him without protection because now you that you aren't the only buddy in town

I wouldn't want to fool around with a guy who had been previously sleeping with my friend, but that's just me. I however have had plenty of friends who wanted to fool around with my guy friends with benefits, and even set them up, hey they are both my friends, why not, if there are no feelings of attachment, which there shouldn't be when you're just having fun, it shouldn't bother you. It sounds to me like you have feelings for this guy, or you would care less, and be all for it if it were just all in fun, like myself. It's really easy for me to be detached and enjoy things on a purely sexual level, but a lot of women can't do this and it's normal, because for most women, chemicals go off in the brain that produce those feelings of attachment when intimate with someone, it's just natural, but in order to overcome this, you have to be consciously aware of the fact that your brain is just releasing feel good chemicals and that is all. It's natures way of bringing you close to man to prepare the way for child rearing. Some men feel this way too and get attached just as well. Those of us who are detached either really like sex a whole lot and feelings of attachment can't sustain the sexual appetite or have been with enough of the sexually crazed to know not to take it so seriously and just enjoy ourselves as well. Either way, neither of your friends betrayed you, you betrayed yourself.

If I were you, I would have been cool about it, then saught out a friend of that guy's there to fool with, lol, I mean you might have thought he was going to sleep with you that night, and it turned you off and made you feel less sexually desirable than your friend when he was putting the moves on her, I can see how that would make one feel. After all, it was pretty rude of him to ditch you like that after inviting you out., but many factors could be weighing here. A. he knew you weren't game for anything serious so maybe your friend appealed to him though doubtful any guy would want something serious with a girl that comes off so easy when first meeting them, so B. He already knew what it was like with you, and may have thought your friend was pretty cute, why not try her out, after all you'd understand, because you guys aren't serious. C. He was just trying to make your friend feel good and boost her self esteem. D. He was trying to make you jealous because he does have feelings for you and wanted to see if it would bother you, what better way to do so? E. He was hoping for a threesome, what guy doesn't? Your girl friend on the other hand was needing attention, and she found it, her state of mind was a miserable one, so she didn't take you in to consideration. Both of them are human indeed, so don't be so hard on them. If you want to call dibs on a guy, you'd better make it clear to everyone involved that it's serious, then you have the right to be mad and feel betrayed given your scenario.