So you were on a break, but you were exclusive during that time? How exactly does that work?

It's understandable that you're hurt by this, but he didn't exactly do anything wrong.

Forgive him and move on.

Seriously, never bring it up again.

If you were on a break and didn't specifically discuss terms, I think he's not in the wrong here. Breaks don't imply that you're still exclusive to the other party.

Forgive him, try to forget it. Learn from it, if you go on a break in a future relationship, realize that your expectations from a break may be different from his, so you need to discuss them.

I'd say forgive -depending on the quality of your relationship now. Depending on the length of your break - and if YOU want to.
It IS hurtful although not cheating, and I'd say go with your instincts on this one.

Honestly, I never understood Rachel's position and I don't understand yours either. What does a break mean to you? If someone told me they wanted to take a break from a relationship, it would never occur to me that what they meant was that I should sit at home and wait for them to decide they were ready to deal with me again.

My biggest problem with that would be the fact it was with his ex rather than a girl he was just seeing for some fun. Sex with an ex is always bad territory. I'd have a think about whether you'd really be willing or able to put it behind you. He sounds like a guy who doesn't really talk about his problems - I mean, he avoided the situation when you moved in and has only bothered telling you FIVE months on that he was sleeping with an ex making both situations an even bigger deal. I personally wouldn't be willing to forgive it and I wouldn't allow myself to feel bad for my decision.

You were on a break. You both need to learn how to communicate with eachother. That is your main issue. It doesn't matter that he slept with an ex it would be hurtful to you no matter who it was. If you want this relationship to work than you need to get over it!

i don't understand the "break" thing. my sense is that if you have to be away from someone to "sort things out", then maybe the relationship just plain isn't working.

ANYWAY, related to this post... if you can forgive him for what you seem to see as cheating, then forgive & move on & don't bring it up ever again. in my opinion, although it's hurtful, it wasn't cheating, forgive.

Everyone brings up good points. But I'm surprised no one's mentioned that he failed the ultimate "moved in together" test. While I understand that this was a temporary arrangement, it still is a very big indicator of how you guys would work together in the long term. I don't think he "cheated" per se. It is, however, disconcerting that a friend told you first. You need to decide what part/s can and cannot be moved on from: a) his behavior while living together b) him not being honest about your time apart. Him sleeping with his ex, while uncool, is not the primary worry wart.

IMO, a break is a break is a break. The whole point of a break is to not be in the relationship for awhile... I know it's awful and really painful, but I'd forgive him. I've never heard of two people being exclusive during a break. Make sure he's not seeing his ex still. And get tested.

First of all, I agree with brdwaystarlett that if you guys living together was so disastrous, there may not be much future for your relationship--unless you guys are just so young that neither one of you is going to be ready for that step any time soon.

Also, I pretty much agree with everyone that a break is a break. If you didn't want him to have sex with anyone else, you had to be explicit about it. It probably seemed to you that it was obvious that he shouldn't have sex with anyone else, but the fact is that most men don't think about relationship stuff the way most women do.
The best thing in any relationship (even among same-sex partners, I imagine, so it's not just a gender divide thing) is to always be explicit about your expectations. It's unfair to not be explicit and to be disappointed when the expectations are not lived up to. I have a friend who says an unexpressed expectation is an unfulfilled expectation.

I voted not to forgive because if he had the intentions of rebuilding with you, he wouldn't have slept with his ex. However, it is your decision to either forgive him or not. Maybe he did regret his ways and well, it was a "break" that you two had taken. I do agree that when you take a "break" from each other...something is really wrong.

I'd day not forgive because of the way he treated you prior to the
"break". He should have talked to you on how he felt. I do think however that moving in with him after 9 mos was a little risky, you should've stayed with family or a friend instead. I'm not defending him but 9 mos and he sees you all of the time, it probably spooked him and he wasn't going to tell you no (on moving in because you needed to) because then he would be looked at as a bad guy for that. If you decide to forgive then I would def tread lightly and make sure he is the right person before moving in again or you will end up right back where you started.

He doesn't seem like a good boyfriend, considering that he decided to act like a child and not talk things out with you. Furthermore, it was a friend who came to you, not him. Anyone who needs a break from a relationship to figure things out, it's not someone i'd leave to care for my heart. Don't forgive, he's not worth much.

Taking a break is breaking up. Period. And when two people break up, they become free agents and can do whatever they want. So asking if you should forgive a guy who had sex with someone else when he was no longer your ex-boyfriend is a question I simply don't understand.

If you can't get back together with him without dwelling on what he did during those 5 months, then your relationship won't stand a chance. He went out there, did his thing, and realized what he really wanted was to be with you. What more do you want?

This post makes me sad.... :/

But....it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks a break is. You thought it was just a little separate time for y'all and he obviously thought different...but if you two didn't discuss what exactly it meant...the "break" was open to interpretation by both of you and no one is at fault. So I don't think there is anything to forgive him about to answer your question.

Now, other than that I wouldn't waste any more time on him for other reasons:
1)He is horrible at communicating and takes out his feelings in other bad ways on you, which seems to be the start of all these problems.
2)He went back to his EX while on the break. That just wouldn't be ok with me because it seems like he still has something going on there, like he still has feelings for her or something...or at the very least, just liked the sex a lot, either of which would bother me.
3)He didn't even tell you what he was up to on the "break". (you had to hear it from a friend!) Ok, it was a break and it was his life so he isn't obligated to just come out and tell you everything I guess...but he was having sex with someone else!! And then he just came back and, I assume, had sex with you again...so in that case, he IS ABSOLUTELY OBLIGATED to tell you that he had sex with someone else so that you have the opportunity to get both of y'all tested again!!!! That was just plain stupid and rude of him not to tell you that. So go get tested!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I wouldn't waste my time with him...he seems immature and he doesn't know what he wants. Move on to someone worth your time.

check this out! real spit!

-you and guy start going out

-for some reason you had to move in with him

-he was not the greatest person to live with. which shows that he wasn't ready to be with you in that capacity, and it's a preview of how his a*s will act later on down the line. it's not that he should've been up underneath you at all times, but he seems to have poor communication skills amongst other things. he gets a C- in the live-in boyfriend department.

-you get your sh*t together (good girl) and move out.

-you guys go on a break

-he probably feels like "yess. that b*tch is gone!"

-he sleeps with, not some skank at Area or Saddle Ranch, but his EX!

-after he's done getting some nostalgic lovin' from ol' girl, he decides to come back to you and make things work.

which means home chick probably booted his ass, and he had to come back to you and he knew the right sh*t to say to you;

"ohh. i'm an a*s. i love you. forgive me. we can make it work. i'm sorry."

-you're a*s ate that sh*t up, understandably.

-he didn't come clean about sleeping with his ex. why? because he knew that there would be some sh*t if he told you that. if it was some random broad he hooked up with, he would've told you to make sure his side of the street was clean. THEN you had to find out this info from someone else.

okay, so a break i guess means he's free to f*ck whomever he wants. and like a lot of donkey girls, they stay faithful and don't even want to have a girl's night out with BFFs because they are so distraught over the a*shole that they are on a break with.

now you feel sh*tty and look insecure, and he looks like the man because he was on a break. if you had f*cked an ex, he would be soooo mad.

i say go on a permanent break.

Oh Muirnea put it really well. Seriously, the technicality of whether you were on a break and what that means matters so much less than the fact that the whole situation was just really bad, and he doesn't seem like a nice guy. Yeah, sure, if it's that kind of break he could have sex I guess, but it seems so shady that he did it with an ex.

This is why breaks are kind of bad. I guess I am taking one right now, but to focus on school, and my bf also has school, and on opposite sides of the coast. Neither of are like, "yay we can sleep with other people!" but I guess I won't feel too bad if I end up making out with someone, or something happens. I'm definitely not seeking it out though.

The thing about a break is, the assumption is that if anything romantic is to happen in your life; it should be with the person you are on a break from. If not, why wouldn't you just break up?

Oh geez, Asia hit that right on.

Muirnea read my mind....sorry for the reiteration.

i don't believe in "breaks". maybe because i would've been done with his a*s when he made me feel oh so welcomed when you were living with him.

plus you weren't dating him that long. i'm not saying that you didn't care about him, but come on...at 9 months, cut the fat meat.

thanks for letting me stay with you during this time. but i'll be on my way now...

honestly, i think he was f*ckin' the Ex when he wasn't coming straight home from work. you can't put it past a muthaf*cka.

Forgive. You two were on a break. That means you two weren't a couple. He was not your boyfriend. You were not his girlfriend.

However, nonetheless, if I were you, I wouldn't consider reconciling with him. I would reject him based on the shabby way he treated you when you were living with him. You were in a time of need (due to circumstances). You were living with him on a temporary basis, and he was a jerk towards you. You were not the "happy couple" you think you were. You have selective amnesia.

I agree -- reinstate the break, and make it permanent. The grounds would be being a terrible boyfriend during your (temporary) time of need, not about the ex during the break. JMHO.

I'm kind of confused that the past couple of Sunday Confessionals have been about someone else, not the original poster - doesn't that go against the whole idea of the thing? I mean, who confesses someone else's sins? Maybe this should be changed to "Sunday Venting".

I think you both have some growing up to do, and it might be best to do it apart. There's a lot of red flags here to me - you were "forced" by circumstance to move in with him, really? How does that work? Unless absolute homelessness was the only other alternative (which is possible, although if your boyfriend is your only lifeline there's some more important things for you to work out than this whole "on a break" and "emotional cheating" dilemma), that's not a great way to start sharing a home together, at all. You guys didn't communicate, you expected his world to revolve around you (being home straight after work and not hanging out with his friends...I can respect the desire to have some alone time when you're living with someone, even if you love them dearly sometimes you feel a little smothered, I think it's healthy unless it turns into infidelity!), and you decided to take "a break" without clearly defining what that even meant. I don't think you guys are ready to make something serious and committed work, just my two cents.

Sex with an ex is the easiest to get. I don't think there's anything emotional going on there, he just wanted quick and easy ass, so that's one part I wouldn't dwell on.

I think you were on a break, and that's the point of breaks - not being together. So.. being a guy, he's completely capable of having sex without being romantically involved whatsoever, and maybe he had an urge and drunk-called her ; whatever. I don't think you should wonder whether you should forgive him - what's to forgive? YOU WERE ON A BREAK!! - but rather whether you can forget. My BF and I broke up for a while 2 years ago, and he had sex with someone else, and for some reason I resent that A LOT (even though I did the exact same thing... so go figure.)

It's just our prides that are wounded, because we wish they HAD spent that time sitting there pining over us - but they're men, for one, and men don't pine, they go do something else while their sh*t sorts itself out in their head, MUCH SLOWER THAN IT DOES FOR US. And maybe they DID need that time to figure out how they felt about us, and what better way to do that than compare? My BF told me that "she" was one of the main reasons why he realized he loved me; he suddenly saw what meaningless was... and it reminded him what meaningful means. So, don't be too hung up on what happened, it may have served your cause.

As for not telling you, I think he was right. As long as he used protection, what would be the point of telling you about that? I see none. My BF and I only told each other because he didn't use protection, and mine broke - so we had to go get tested. Otherwise, I wish I'd never known. Who cares what comes before you, and even between you? That information, unless for health reasons, is completely useless - and only hurtful.

So - I voted forgive - all the way. And try not to imagine them together too often, or for too long... I still have images in my head I wish would just go away!

unless you said "spend some time apart but not with other people" (which doesn't make sense to me, personally) then he didn't really do anything that awful. the least forgivable part is not telling you himself, but that's just icing. finding out if you want to be with someone quite often includes finding out if you want to be with someone else. for some people that means sex.

Honestly, theres isnt anything to forgive in the first place. a break means you are apending time apart so that both can see that they miss the other person, that they want to fix things and try again to make it work. if he decides to have sex with someone during that time then it is his perogative.

as for the moving in comments that everyone is making... moving in together after only 9 months, in my opinion, is too early. at that point you are still getting to know the other person and are still relaly incorporating eachother into your lives. it does not mean they wont be able to live together in the future. ive been with my boyfriend for a year now and we dont talk about moving in together because we realize we are still in the process of getting to know eachother on diferent levels.

if you think things are working now, and have been happy, let it go. YOU WERE ON A BREAK. move on. dont be a pain... if you cant let it go then break up.

only you can truly no what to do, personaly i think you should find someone who truly cares for you, but then again i don't know you.... what would you tell a friend if she was in this situation?

"we took time apart to see if we could fix things" -- it sounds like that is what he did.

I voted to not forgive him because he wasn't honest with her from the start. It's not about what he did during the break, it was the fact that before the break, he was pining for another woman, and well, instead of being honest about it, he lied and pretended it was you.

It sucks that he's just not that into you, but it also sucks that he's the type of person that would hide things from you. Dump him girl, there's someone out there that's much healthier for you who is willing to love you unconditionally.

Asia, the first thing I thought after reading the post was, he was prob sleeping with the ex BEFORE she moved out. So you're statement, "honestly, i think he was f*ckin' the Ex when he wasn't coming straight home from work" hit the nail on the head for me, although I prob wouldn't have said it in quite the same way.

I chose not forgive because any guy that goes back and forth between two women is not worthy of your time. If you really love someone you don't just sleep with someone else 5 minutes after you breakup. You need time to heal your wounds from the broken relationship before you move on. Obviously he had issues from way before because the way he treated you was a sign that something wasn't right. If you truly believe he's sorry and wants to work things out make sure his feelings are clear maybe you two should take things slow before making a full blown commitment again.

here's what bothers me; he had a "go to girl" RIGHT THERE. and it wasn't a one time thing, it was a relationship, right? and he kept it from you. this would make me wonder what else he was keeping from me. it's not that he wasn't entitled to get on with his life, it's that he wasn't forthcoming with you; you heard this piece of information from a friend. hope you're having safe sex.

Aside from him sleeping with someone while ya'll were on a break, you should break it off. If things went completely downhill once you moved in, what's the point of trying to make anything work for the future? Living with him gave you a small taste of what the future (i.e. marriage) would be like, and he failed miserably. If he resented you for living with him, do you think that would change in the long run if he decided to marry you? In my opinion, if you can't see marriage in your future, what's the point of wasting that time?
Also, it's not emotionally cheating when you sleep with someone else while "on a break." If you consider it cheating in the slightest, it was physical cheating. He had sex with someone else. That's a problem... This is why on-and-off relationships should just remain off. Sh*t happens when you are with your gf that will be hurtful if you happen to ever be "on again." Again, waste of your time.

Oops! 2nd to last sentence should read: Sh*t happens when you are NOT with your gf that will be hurtful if you happen to ever be "on again."

I agree with Muirnea and Asia84. Couldn't say it any better than that.

For me, the point really isn't whether you were on a break or not. The issue here is that if you really love someone you won't go have sex with someone else. If you're really, truly in love with someone you won't jump into bed with the first willing chick, just because you're on a "break".

Asia hit that sh*t perfectly...I'm not sure if you should stay with that guy. Come on, he went to his EX...one thing to go to some random wh*re, but seriously? one is a no no, the other is a BIG no no. and apparently, he doesn't understand the process known as "talking". you know, where you voice your emotions, how you feel, and what you want in the long run.

And if you feel that he cheated, then he did. Leave his ass and find someone better, doll!

he's a douche
plus, he cheated with his ex
that just hurts
leave him!

It really depends on the kind of guy he is. If you aren't completely and utterly shocked by this behavior, then you may not realize you are dating someone that will hurt you again. If this is a very isolated incident that is not like him, then maybe he did just make a once in a lifetime mistake under too much stress.

I get the "taking a break" thing but what i don't quite get is how having sex with a former girlfriend is fixing things between the two of you.Sounds like a bunch of BS to me.

Never, ever put yourself in a position where you become second choice for any man.Do yourself a huge favor and drop his azz pronto......

I'm in agreement with a few of the fellow commenters.

*honeysugar wrote: "any guy that goes back and forth between two women is not worthy of your time."

*nourche added, "If you're. . . in love with someone you won't jump into bed with the first willing [person], just because you're on a "break".

*vmruby wrote, "i don't quite get. . . how having sex with a former girlfriend is fixing things between the two of you."

Neither do I, ruby.

It doesn't seem like you wanted the break to be a full break from all involvement, but (rather) an opportunity to think things through and figure how you might be able to make things work -- or determine that they are not able to be fixed. You wanted emotional and sexual exclusivity maintained during a stretch of physical and social isolation from one another.

But the two of you didn't communicate your expectations. That is not his fault. He cannot read your mind. I do not think he cheated on you, by definition.

But I *do* think that any guy who chases tail during a "trying to fix things between us" break is NOT worth my time or effort.

Plus, he was a tool when you moved in with him.

it doesnt matter what others think...there is no right answer. the question is, if you decide to forgive him, can you HONESTLY forgive? If everytime he says he is going anywhere you automatically think its to see his ex, or you are paranoid, or use it against him...then you might as well move on. If you can honestly FORGIVE AND FORGET then sure...but if not, you need to accept it and go forward. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to be together.

He sounds like a selfish immature man. find someone better.

heres my take on a break...if you are on a break you are broken up...yes maybe you will come back together and re-evaluate, but if there are terms, you are not broken up. You are either single or not.

He sounds like an *sshole....regardless of the break! If someone hooks up with an ex...that's bad news! Who knows how long those two have been going back and forth? DUMP HIM!

I don't understand why you'd want to be with a guy who treated you like that when you were living togerher. There is clearly no future here. If he really cared about you during your break he wouldn't have slept with someone else. Move on.

I'm surprised at all the people who consider a break free rein to do whatever you want. To me, that would be breaking up, where both parties expect never to be together again. Unless it is explicitly discussed, a break to me would mean you are sorting things out, need time apart, but not necessarily with other people. Taking a break and hooking up with people to me is just guilt-free cheating.

Also, I think nourche said it well: "If you're. . . in love with someone you won't jump into bed with the first willing [person], just because you're on a "break." I guess when I think of a break, it means I figure that the other person still cares, etc.

Along with all the other issues, it seems like this guy isn't that great.

I went through a very similar situation with my ex. We were broken up, but ended up getting back together after 2 or so months. During that time he slept with his ex girlfriend from high school. I had a difficult time taking him back, but knew that he didn't technically cheat on me since we were apart. After trying to deal with the emotional stress of knowing what happened I just decided I couldn't take it any longer. We are no longer together. You will either learn to get past what happened and save your relationship or you can be like me and let it destroy it!

Ok, I gotta be totally honest with you here.
Ummm.. he wasn't honest with you, you had to find out this information from someone else! That alone tells me that he is not worth your time or energy. He probably used the 'break' thing as an excuse to f*ck around on you. Now he is acting surprised by your reaction. Perhaps he was pursuing a relationship with his ex and it didn't work out, so now he is crawling back to you, on top of lying? Either that or he was just using her as a f*ck buddy. Oh, it is so obvious that he was not thinking about you or pining over you in any way, shape or form. (I am not trying to be mean here, just making you realize that you deserve better). Maybe he was already seeing her when you lived with him. Was she the 'friend' he was spending so much time with when you didn't know where he was? He sounds like a sleazeball.
I would not forgive him if I were you. What does this say about his character? Obviously he does not truly respect you. Move on girl, and find someone who does.

"emotional cheating; we took time apart to see if we could fix things, not to see if we wanted to meet other people" they didn't have conversations... he had sex. That's running to another woman when he has problems with you. If you married him, he's definitely having sex with a coworker...

Ditch that a$$hole! Let his ex-girlfriend deal with his issues, she's gloating right now as a matter of fact.

Sorry, if you were split up (taking a break, taking time apart, however you want to word it) I'd forgive him.

Please let me know how you handled this. I feel like I'm going through the same thing. Have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. And I love her so much. It's a bit complicated on the side, considering our families. Anyway, we broke up, took a break...w/e. Then she called me last night heartbroken, and told me she was with someone else, in less than 3 weeks. She assures me she felt nothing, she learned her lesson. She felt out of it when it happened, since apparently the guy took full advantage of the situation, from undressing to everything else. And she cried in the middle of it, and just left. I'm greatful she was able to tell me. I know I know I can get past it. But I don't know if we should give it another try. I love her so much, and she loves me, and we want us to work. But I just feel so unsure, that what if this happens again. What if we get into a fight while engaged or married, and she ends up in bed with another guy. I don't know what to tell you, but I'm hoping your love is able to get through it, but I know, you definitely can't let anyone take advantage of you in any situation, especially when they screwed up, regardless of being together or not.