Dear Sugar,
Recently I read the post about communicating with friends if a problem arises, and it got me thinking about my own situation. Right now I am torn as to whether or not I should confront my best friend from childhood. We've always been very close and open with one another, but as we are getting older, I have noticed some changes. Sometimes it seems like we're just growing into different people and I feel like we have very little in common these days.
Not too long ago we went to a BBQ together and she brought up something I had told her in confidence that was very personal and embarrassing in front of people I didn't know. I had had a few drinks and was so shocked by what she was saying that I took a passive approach to the situation and never said anything. The more I think about it, the more hurt I feel. I can't help but wonder why she would want to do something like that to me — it almost felt intentional. How should I confront her about this?
— Hurt Hailey
To see DearSugar's answer, read more.
Dear Hurt Hailey,
I'm not sure why your friend broke your confidence by sharing a private story, but I think no matter the reason, it's worth talking to her about it. By remaining passive and letting your own feelings of hurt and betrayal grow, you're not doing anyone any favors. In the end, you'll only feel resentful and she won't understand why — it's definitely time to speak up.
If you approach her with the aim of confronting her, it's possible that she'll feel attacked and assume a defensive position. However, if you come to her as a friend who's feeling sad about something, it's likely that she'll listen to what you have to say and offer an explanation or apology. If it was an intentionally hurtful move on her part then I think you have some more serious issues to get through, and it may take more than one conversation. In any case, try to be direct, respectful, and honest. No matter what happens, at least you'll know that you tried your best to work things out.
Debut
Alviero Martini
7trends
I agree with DearSug -- talk to her about it.
For the sake of your friendship, I hope she did not intentionally try to hurt you. But truthfully, based on my experience with frienships, there's a possibility she may have, as she revealed something "very personal and embarrassing", and you told her that "in confidence." That's a big boundary she violated. I highly doubt she did that innocently. I can't imagine a true friend doing that. Sorry.
1To be honest sometimes childhood friends just grow apart. You change and grow into different people and have different life expereinces. It is hard to let go of somoeone you have known for so long but perhaps you can keep in touch but keep her at a distance since obviously you can't trust her.
2i agree with Dear Sugar -- if you don't talk with her about it, you'll put a significant emotional strain on your relationship. this happened to me once, and i wrote a letter/bulleted list with everything that i wanted to say, then i sat down with my friend and went through my grievances. we aren't as close as before, but i think that she understands that true friends do not break confidence like that.
3I agree with you Glowing Moon. I would definitely talk to her and I don't think it would be pleasant. Whether it was intentional or not, I don't think I would stick around to let it happen again.
4Whatever you do, please talk to her about it. Things get said sometimes that aren't meant too when there's alcohol and anger/hurt involved. I lost a friend over that. Hope it doesn't happen to you!
5I certainly wouldn't hold back / try to spare her feelings (or prevent a confrontation) - but that's just me. And as CYL said, sometimes childhood friendships just start tapering off as you get older. It sucks but, rather surround yourself with people you can get on board with. I would never do something like that to one of my friends, and I don't think you would either - so why is she worth all the worry?
6Whether you want to maintain the friendship or not, I would suggest that you bring this issue up with her. Her reaction will tell you whether it is worth maintaining the friendship or not, and you will feel better for telling her that her behaviour was hurtful. She has lost your trust, and she needs to really care that she upset you and work to gain your trust back if she is a true friend and actually regrets hurting you.
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