Dear Sugar,
A while back my ex-boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere. I thought we were heading in a good direction and that we were finally getting to know each other. (In fact, less than a week before that happened we had spent our first romantic weekend together.) At the end of one date night on the way back to my place he told me that while he loved hanging out with me and that I was the best girlfriend he has ever had he just doesn't feel "it." While I respected that he told me that instead of leading me on, I was still very hurt.
Now I've started a new relationship after licking my wounds for a little while, but I've discovered that my ex has changed me. I now have this sudden fear of abandonment and I am afraid that my current boyfriend will do the same thing. I've never experienced these kind of fears before. My boyfriend is a great guy, and assures me that he isn't going anywhere; he knows what happened before. But I can't shake this feeling, and I'm afraid that it will ruin my relationship. Every time my boyfriend doesn't return my call immediately a small voice inside my head tells me that maybe it's happening again. I know it's irrational but what can I do? Please help!
— Nervous Natalie
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Dear Nervous Natalie,
It's important for you to recognize that there are no guarantees in love or life; what happened to you before could happen to you again. But that's a possibility that you have absolutely no control over, and worrying about it won't make a difference. In fact, as you mentioned, worrying about it can put an unnecessary strain on your relationship. But, of course, it's much easier to tell yourself this than to convince yourself that it's true.
If you make the decision to let go of your fears, they'll naturally fade away, so don't hold on to them because you think they'll protect you from having this happen again; they won't. They'll only make you feel sad and scared. Luckily, acknowledging that your fears are irrational is a great step in the process. Now you just have to believe it. Whenever these concerns enter your mind, start squashing them by putting them in perspective. The fact is that even if your worst-case scenario took place, you'd make it through. It might be hard and painful, but in the end, you'd be OK.
I'm glad that you've opened up to your new boyfriend. Definitely keep those lines of communication open, but make sure that you avoid projecting your fears on to him, which could lead to resentment and extra stress. It's going to take some time, but if you can keep reminding yourself that there's no point in worrying, they will eventually disappear for good.
I agree with Dear. The only thing you really can do it to just let it go. I have severe abandonment issues as well. My father left when I was 3 and my mother was married and divorced twice after that. Ive had numerous boyfriends cheat on me. I was in a relationship on and off for 5 years (we lived together) when I found out he was lying to me about his relationship with his sons mom. Needless to say that relationship ended.
My current BF and I have been together for about 3 months now and pretty much up until about a week ago, I was constantly worried that he would cheat on me or just get bored with me. I still do sometimes, but I realized that if I use all my energy worrying about what could possibly go wrong then Im going to miss out on whats going right. I also realized that I made it through the first several times it happened to me, so Im pretty sure I'll make it through if it happens again. Now Im just trying to focus on enjoying what we have and taking it one day at a time. Good luck to you.
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