its pretty important in my culture.
my husband spoke to my mother early on about it because shes very important in my life. but when it came time to contact my father i just considered it a formality to keep the peace, not that he really mattered to me. so yea i think its a good thing to do.

I agree SunSun! This is very important in my culture too. My boyfriend knows this and said he is prepared to ask my Dad first.

It would really mean a lot to me if he did. But no big deal if he didnt.

i think its a very great tradition. my family's background and culture makes and keeps us very close to one another and something like marriage is something none of us take lightly. my family is #1 to me, so its a must for him to ask my parents and brother. i don't think i would be able to accept if my parents and brother didn't know and/or didn't approve of what was happening.

I think that if you're close with your family, this is just a really nice sign of respect on behalf of the man who wants to start a life with you. My now fiance called my father to tell him of his intentions the week before he proposed. I know how much that meant to my dad, and how much respect my fiance gained in his eyes because he was "man enough" to have the discussion in the first place.

Not needed for everyone's situation, but the gesture really says a lot.

I would be insulted if my boyfriend did this. I think it's important that both sets of parents approve of the marriage before getting married, but I find the whole boyfriend ask the parents thing offensive (although usually it's ask the dad, which is even MORE infuriating). I'm not a child who wants to stay over at little Suzy's for dinner, I'm a grown woman who can accept a marriage proposal on my own. I'll be over 30 when (if) I get engaged. I haven't asked for my parents' permission in over a decade.

I think it's a nice gesture, but it wouldn't matter to me either way.

i would actually be insulted if my boyfriend DIDN'T do this.

Ummm...my dad is not the best person to ask this question.

I think its a nice gesture but it wouldn't have any bearing on my decision to say yes or no.

I have a rule: If my boyfriend were to ask my parents for permission to marry me, my mother or father must tell me. Then homeboy gets dumped.

I can make decisions about my life on my own, thanks.

It was important to me that my dad and my fiance got along well and "approved" of each other in a friendly way because my dad is my closest family member- buuuttttt other than that my fiance didn't ask my dad's "permission" and I wouldn't have wanted him to, I'm independent and I'm not my dad's property to give away, I make my own money and my own decisions, they both get along so great and I love that, but had either of sets of parents not approved (which there would be no reason they wouldn't I'm just saying) or vice versa had either of us not liked the other one's parents, we wouldn't have cared anyway. It's my life . . .

I don't think its necessary but it can go either way. Depends on family history, age, relationships with parents, etc. No one answer fits all.

I would be pretty insulted if my boyfriend did this. For one thing, my father passed away years ago so it'd be impossible, he could still ask my mother though. If he wanted to let her know that he was proposing and her thoughts on it, that's great. But to ask permission? I'm sorry I'm a grown woman and I make my own decisions. I've always thought it was a demeaning tradition and can't believe how many women insist on it...

My husband told my parents he bought me an engagement ring, but didn't formally ask permission. I think he respected them enough to let then know his plans before he proposed but didn't feel he needed to ask them permission.

I told my boyfriend I would like him to ask my parents (at least tell them he is planning on it!) because I remember how ecstatic they were when my now brother in law asked them for permission. I wouldn't want to cheat them out of that excitement. Plus in my culture normally the guy's entire family comes to the girl's family and offers them some jewelry, kind of like an arranged marriage, so I'm glad we've come far from that! A little formality didn't hurt anyone. Anyway, I am certain my parents would approve--if I wasn't, perhaps I wouldn't insist.

My boyfriend seemed surprised that I wanted him to ask my parents. Although I am certain his brother in law asked...

My husband tried to tell my dad- but when he got to the house my dad ended up doing most of the talking lol. We had gone ring shopping so I knew it was coming and so did my parents. My parents were beyond thrilled and we both come from pretty traditional families- so it was understood that he would tell my parents that he was planning on asking me, I dont really think he was going there to "ask permission"- he knew he would have their blessing- it was just a sign of respect to my parents which I thought was really sweet.

Maybe if you are close with your dad but I am not... Ithink my dad will find out after I get married when I call him for his birthday or father's day and then be like, "oh hey I got married." So no I don't expect my future husband to ask. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years and he has met my dad maybe 4 times.

Maybe if you are close with your dad but I am not... Ithink my dad will find out after I get married when I call him for his birthday or father's day and then be like, "oh hey I got married." So no I don't expect my future husband to ask. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 5 years and he has met my dad maybe 4 times.

Ack...why did it post twice? I think my work internet is freaking out. Sorry.

I'm not going to ask my fiancee (obviously when I have one) to do it, but if he wants to do it he can. It isn't a big deal in my family and it wouldn't matter either way. It is nice, but for me it isn't something where if he didn't do it everyone would be insulted.

I understand how this can come across as "women as chattel" but I thought it was sweet when my husband did it . He didn't ask for "permission" -- more for their blessing. ... anyhow, it was a great idea for him -- my dad gave him my grandma's engagment ring to give to me

This wouldn't work for me.

I would expect my mate to make his intentions known to *me* before any of my family. I am my own woman; I make my own decisions -- I would feel cheated out of the experience if he brought other people into such an intimate promise before I had an opportunity to respond.

But, in general, I think it is a sweet tradition. (Just not for me.)

Mr. Mouse and I married more than ten years ago. We only asked each other. The parents found out after the fact.

i think its a really nice tradition and i thought it was adorable when i found out that my fiance had asked. esp bc he knows my parents loved him etc.

but if i hadn't i still would have said yes obviously--i just thought it was reallllyyy cute that he did

my hubby asked my parents to breakfast and asked both of their permission to marry me.
my hubby respected what both my parents though and that was and still its really really really really important to me!!!

PS- I said yes before I found out he asked their permission. lol

I agree with javsmav (as usual!) and cmd0610, this tradition is not for me. my husband didn't propose -- we just made a mutual decision to get married. but even if he had proposed, I wouldn't have wanted him to ask my parents for permission (because it's sexist) or even have mentioned it to them (because I would want that special moment to be just between us).

I agree with javsmav and cmd0610 as well. While I hope my parents like my future husband, they have no say in who I marry. I don't understand the doing it as a sign of respect or getting their blessing that some posters are saying. I would want to know about his intentions before my family members do; we'd then tell my (and his) family together that we were engaged.

I really don't care either way. My husband didn't ask my mom, he just told her what he was going to do. I wasn't about to flip out on him for not doing it. No biggie.

My fiance proposed to me, then we kept it quiet for a few days, and then he went to ask my dad while I waited next door with my grandfather. That way, he got to do the asking, and at the same time, no one knew about it before we did. And my dad really respects him for going and asking.

It was a totally spontaneous proposal anyways, but it was perfect for us.

I think it's a superfluous tradition And wouldn't be necessary for me. If the parents disapprove, do you break off the relationship then?

I'm with javsmav...I would be kinda insulted. He wants to marry ME, not my family, so I should be the first to know and to make my own decision. And it's such an important thing, I would want it to be a special thing between us, not between the entire family!!

Traditions shouldn't just be followed b/c they are traditions...that's a bad reason, this one is traditionally the father giving the bride away...I am no one's property thank you very much.

with my dad being english and my bf being english, they are both such gentleman. We have talked about it and my bf made it clear he will be flying back to AU to ask my dads permission first. Its very important to me as this is a tradition which is important to my family, and its lovely to know my bf understands and agrees with those traditions. Each to their own

This sort of thing assumes that the girl and her boyfriend are on good enough terms with her parents that they would say yes, because a guy will not usually put himself out there in such an emotionally vulnerable way unless he is pretty sure the outcome will be positive. What if the guy and girl love each other very much, he has specific and concrete plans(that she agrees with) for what he wants to do with his life and supporting her, and they both have always been kind and courteous to her parents, but the father says "no" because he thinks she should marry someone richer/of the same ethnicity/of a different profession/not marry until she makes x amount of money or has x amount of boyfriends? Sometimes parents do lose sight of what is important in a relationship and put more focus on superficial things.

NOT IMPORTANT!
My parents have basic contact with me. They find out afterwards. ;p Maybe after the wedding...

I think it's funny that some of you girls wouldn't want your BF to ask your parents (and actually dump him over it!) because you can 'make your own decisions'. This isn't the 18th century, the tradition has evolved since then - it's more about respecting a certain value system than claiming any kind of 'ownership'. I see it more as the boyfriend telling them his intentions. But I guess it depends how your family dynamic /culture works.

I'd expect my bf to 'ask' my dad (and mom) before he proposed, just because I know it'll make them feel great. Both of my brothers who are married spoke to their future father in laws before they popped the question, and it was just a completely natural thing to do.

I'm really close with my dad, and I know my dad is very traditional and would like to be asked, and my mom would find it adorable, so I would like my bf to ask them. And I think of it as more of a blessing, not permission...that they support the decision, not that he can or can't.

I agree with javsmav, I would be insulted if my boyfriend did this because I think it comes from a very sexist and retrograde tradition, where women are goods to be exchanged from fathers to husbands. Also, it would be a very personal and intimate decision that I would not like to share with anyone but him.

I'd like it if my boyfriend keep my dad up-to-date, asked for a blessing rather than permission. My dad and I are very close, and I know he and I both would feel a bit offended if he were kept out of the loop for such a big step in a relationship. And I KNOW with my current boyfriend, my dad would give him his full blessing. They're fairly close as well.

I say "blessing" instead of "permission," because I'm truly not anyone's property and am capable of making my own decisions, regardless of who agrees with them.

Ha! I would've found it very bizarre if my fiance had talked to my parents before asking me. It would make me think that we don't actually know each other as well as I thought!

We talked about getting married together, and then let our families know after we'd made the decision together.

It's pretty interesting that this is still such an important tradition for some people, and so unimportant for others! Interesting question.

My boyfriend has yet to meet my dad (We've only been together for 3 months shy of 2 years), but if we discussed marriage, and he met my father at least a few times before, calling him to let him in on the proposal would be cute. My boyfriend and my parents are different races (with different primary languages), so there's definitely a communication barrier. He'll just never be that chummy with them, so it might be more awkward than sweet for both my parents and him.

As for me, this tradition is useless. It doesn't matter whether or not my parents give permission. I marry whoever I damn please.

If my husband wanted to ask my parents first, that's fine, but like I said, their approval or dispproval would have carried no weight with me. When it comes to MY decision to marry, only MY judgement matters.

Maybe I'm in an usual situation... I've been with my boyfriend for seven years. Marriage has been a given for us for quite some time. When he finally proposes, we've both agreed that it's going to be more of a surprise for our families than eachother. So asking would just be a waste of the surprise.

The point is to be on good terms with the intended's family. Hopefully, you won't NEED to ask. If you feel like you have to, maybe you haven't been together long enough. Spend more time with them.
And anyway. What are you expecting? A dowry?

To me it was, and will always be, important. I don't think a man should "ask permission," but to let my family know of his intentions before he asks me allows my family to communicate with him (and he with them) on a different level than before. And, should the need arise, it would give my family--who normally stays out of my relationships--a chance to voice any concerns they may have. I know my current bf declared his intentions to my mom, just recently, and I am so pleased and proud.

I agree with sundaygreen about how funny it is that some people take this so literally (and even dump the guy if he did ask!). It's a tradition in our culture for the man to ask. But now, it's not really for the parent's permission, but for their blessing. I am close to my family and I would love for him to ask for their blessing. But if he doesn't, that's fine too.

I was wondering if those who are so opposed to this, are walking down the aisle alone when they get married without anyone giving them away? Coz if these people take the 'asking' tradition so literally, they should be opposed to someone giving them away in their wedding as well.

I agree with Aylee... it's not like J and I had never discussed marriage. It's like ceremonial deism, in a way: form over substance ... James and I talked about marriage several times, our future, children, etc. He went to my parents to tell them (I love your duaghter very much and I'm going to ask her to marry me) and not "ask" for their permission. I think it's silly that people are equating this to a woman not being able/ allowed to make her own decisions. It's a tradition, folks ... just like your dad "giving you away" or throwing your bouquet to the single gals. It's not literal for most of us !

We're not close, but my father would be extremely upset if he were not asked in some form. I don't think it's a cultural thing so much as it's my father being overprotective and living in a time warp.

don't worry aylee, I am consistent. I am absolutely opposed to being "given away" at a wedding. Almost all wedding traditions offend or annoy me. I'm also opposed to changing my last name, the idea of submission, throwing the bouquet, and the chicken dance. I really wish I could convince my boyfriend that eloping is the way to go.

I know I didn't say I would break up with my boyfriend if he did ask my parents, but the reason I would be hurt is not necessarily that he asked, but that he doesn't know me well enough to know that I would be offended by asking for permission. If we're going to commit our lives together, he better know how I feel about antiquated traditions. He better be able to deal with my "crazy feminist" ideas and respect them.

(this will echo Javsmav significantly... but I'd like to respond to the rather offensive remark that its "funny" to breakup with someone over conflicting ideals)

Would you like to know why I indicated that I would dump my boyfriend should he ask my parents for permission? Should he take that step, that would indicate to me that he does not have the level of understanding or respect that I would expect from a mature relationship. I don't know about you guys, but I'm from the Simone de Beauvoir and Virginia Woolf school of thought. I do not need permission from my parents to make one of the most important decisions of my life.

I really don't understand why "it's tradition" is a legitimate excuse for an archaic practice to continue. I don't care if the practice has evolved. It's rooted in patriarchy which I strongly oppose.

i think that this is totally sweet, and i know that my parents would be really insulted if my boyfriend asked me to marry him without their permission. i think that, depending on the family situation, it's just a matter of respect.

I was going to say just what pinky23 said. Its not just a matter of tradition but a matter of respect. I absolutely expect my boyfriend to "ask" permission before he proposes.