Dear Sugar,
I have been with my boyfriend for three years and he recently told me that he needs some space. He said that we should be "friends" for right now until he gets himself together. He has been through a lot, and seems to push everyone away. What should I do? Should I give him space, or just put this relationship to bed? I love him and don't want to lose him, but the fact that he's pushing me away instead of coming to me for support makes me think he's not on the same page. — Helpless Helena
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Dear Helpless Helena,
If your boyfriend is asking for his space, as much as you might not want to give it to him, you unfortunately don't have much of a choice. Three years is a long time to be with someone, so I can only image how you must be feeling, but with so little information here, the best advice I can offer is to trust your intuition. I'm still on the fence when it comes to taking breaks — sometimes they are a tremendous help in a relationship, but other times they just delay the inevitable: a breakup.
If you love him and think there's a chance to work it out, I'd give him the space and try to patiently wait as his friend. Since you're even contemplating calling it a day, something tells me this is not the first time he's needed a break. You have to ask yourself if you think he'll be able to get whatever it is he needs during your time apart — the desire to work on himself is a completely different situation than if he just wants to date other people. Have a chat with him; let him know how you're feeling, make him aware of what you want, and ask him if he's on board for the same thing. Once you've had a good heart-to-heart, you'll be better equipped to make the right decision.
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This is just me, but I would call it a day. I feel like wanting a break is a nice way to say you want to break up with someone. If it does end up working out, then great, but for now I would assume to move on. Heck, this isn't all about him right? Taking time off could be a good thing for you too!
1My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We had our moment 4 years ago when he had asked for a "break" because he needed "space". I was in SHOCK and was soooo hurt - it came out of nowhere! But, as much as it hurt, I gave him his space - in which, I had my space too - and it gave us time to just see what it was like without each other. We both knew we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives and this is what we needed.
I am 50/50 on breaks - because it's true, it could be the "beginning of the end". BUT, you don't know what'll happen unless you do it. Good luck to you. It might make you two a stronger couple in the end like my boyfriend and I.
2I think if he has been shady with his feelings and making time for you then you should just break up. If he wasn't making you happy before, break up. But, if things are just stressful because of something not involving your relationship, then take this down time and be useful with it until he decides to want to work it out...BUT it shouldn't be just his decision to get back with you, you should be wanting it too, with conditions. If you got back together, and you know you want a long term commitment, then I would have that talk with him BEFORE you got back with him.
Btw, been there, I was the one that needed space, although the both of us had to agree to certain things if we were going to marry. Two years later, we will be celebrating our 1st wedding anniversary. See, good endings do happen.
Make sure you first are happy.
3He's not just pushing you away, you also said he's also pushing other people away as well so maybe he's just confused. Give him that break and see where it goes. take that time to reevaluate your relationship. Maybe right now you are both overwhelmed and can't see your relationship clearly and this break will both give you time to remove yourself from the situation and be able to analyze it. Think of it as a blessing. It may turn out that you end up back together and better than ever or it will allow you to learn from the relationship and move on and find someone you are really meant to be with. either way I wouldn't push it and be clingy, because it will just stress both of you out more and even if he did give in and stayed with you, it ultimately isnt what he wants and he'll resent you later on and itll make things worse. good luck.
4To me the phrase “I need a space” means: “I want to see other people, but I need you as a security blanket. “ I don’t believe in giving spaces, you want to be with me or not. Is not like I have time to waist waiting in someone that doesn’t want to be with me, and doesn’t have the guts to tell me that in my face.
5You don't really have a lot of choice. A break is usually a breakup hidden in nicer clothing, but if you keep trying to come around him when he has asked for space then he will definately break up with you.
6totygoliguez - "To me the phrase “I need a space” means: “I want to see other people, but I need you as a security blanket. “ I don’t believe in giving spaces, you want to be with me or not. Is not like I have time to waist waiting in someone that doesn’t want to be with me, and doesn’t have the guts to tell me that in my face."
ABSO-Freakin-Lutely! Totally agree with you.
7you dont have to tell him you're breaking up, but by giving him space you can do your own thing and if he doesnt come crawling back then mentally move on!
8Usually I'd agree with others, that asking for a "break" is just a nicer way to breakup, but in this case there seems to be attenuating circumstances. You mentioned that he has been throught a lot and that he's pushing everyone away... Whatever it is that's going on, it might have nothing to do with your relationship.
Think of this time apart as something you need too, and use it to figure out what you want. How were things before he asked for a break? Analyse carefully if there's a chance of you two making things work, and if this relationship is really what you want and need.
In the meantime, let the guy come to you, and don't wait around forever. If he wants to be with you he'll realise it soon. If not, he really isn't on the same page. Just move on.
9Is he worth it? If he is EVERYTHING that you wanted in a man and you are 100% sure that there is no replacement, then I say give him the space and be patient.
If you have doubts, even just a little bit. Call it a day. If you guys come across again in the future, you can decide then - but you might already be preg with ur hus baby then LOL...
10Giving someone a break without a breakup, when you don't want to, is giving someone permission to walk in and out of your life as they please!
11I was with a guy for like 18 months when he said he needed his "space" but then we carried on acting as if we were dating despite me being over 200 miles away (I moved away, HOW MUCH SPACE DID HE WANT? ha ha ha)...
A year later he decided that I was the woman for him and that he wanted to marry me! I was over him by this point because the whole situation was crazy and I had supportive friends. I guess he is the one who "got away" but I look at his life now and I'm so glad I am not tied up in it.
He hasn't changed from his stressful self that he was five years ago and even though we are now close friends I couldn't ever go there again...!
I would put the relationship to bed. It's his fault if he later decides he made the wrong decision!
12I thought a break was instituted when their were issues in the relationship, she didn't give the slightest about any trouble in the relationship. Then again, you either want to be with me or you don't.
13Basically what he is telling you in a really nice way is 'I want to go out and see if I can find better than you and if not, maybe we can be together again in the future until I get bored again'
Sorry but let it go, you're too good for that!
14i dunno - my intuition is when a someone comes out of nowhere and asks for a break its either they want to see other people, or they already met someone. sorry
15I agree with whomever said you don't have much of a choice.
I think space is a gentle way of breaking up, but it can also be good to clear the air. It sounds like he's been though a lot recently.
So many people are afraid of this space, but you should have no fear. If he's not the one, you will know. And if he is the one, he'll beat your door down trying to win you back.
The key is, in the meantime, you need to move on with your life.
16Sweety not to upste you or anything but usually when I tell a guy I want a break it means I want to break up with him without beaing meana nd all the compications
i suggest you move and if its meant to be hell come running back!
dont beg him back though hun It will make him feel in power and like he can take advantage!
take care xxxxxxx
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