Dear Sugar,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. When it came time to resign our leases last spring, we both did as we knew it was much too soon to live together. He is 27 and pretty much has his life together while I'm 22, have a ton of debt, and am contemplating going back to school.
This week my boyfriend told me that he is seriously considering buying a condo or an apartment. This news really scares me — does this mean we'll never get to live together? I don't really see myself moving into his house and paying his mortgage and it's really starting to stress me out. Am I overthinking this or should I just forget about cohabitation until we are actually considering buying a home together? — Insecure Indy
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Dear Insecure Indy,
I think your reaction is completely normal but just because he's thinking about buying a home, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not being considered in the equation. You said you might be going back to school — would that mean you'd move away? Since your plans are still up in the air, I think it would be best if you talked to your boyfriend before jumping to any conclusions. Open up the lines of communication, let him know where your insecurities lie and make sure to tell him what you want out of this relationship.
Though many people feel it's ideal to get a place together instead of moving into one person's already established home when cohabiting, there is no right or wrong way. If you do end up moving into the place he buys, there are many ways you can divvy up the bills to make things fair. He could pay the mortgage while you pay the utilities and the groceries, or something alone those lines. It's also important to look at this realistically: just because he buys a condo or an apartment, it doesn't mean he's married to it for the rest of his life. Purchasing real estate is always a great investment so before you put labels on your relationship, talk to your boyfriend and make sure you're on the same page.
Vivance
Twenty8Twelve
Giuseppe Zanotti
This seems weird. I would think it is exactly the opposite! I know quite a few couples where one went out and bought their own place, then within a year they were living together.
If the whole thing concerns you, then definitely talk to him about it.
When my friend's girlfriend told him she was buying a house, they both discussed it and agreed that once his lease was up, they would live together in her house. Since he is still in school (went back), he pays for all the utilities and she takes care of the mortgage. It works out for them because they were open and honest about it. He doesn't feel weird living in "her" house because it is really their house!
And if your boyfriend is financially secure, I think that buying his own place is a great investment! I don't know, this wouldn't bother me at all. I would assume that he is going to ask me to move in with him when my lease is up!
1I think you are overreacting, although at the same time I totally appreciate the balance to be maintained when one person moves into another person's house, rather than starting off co-habitating in a new place.
But more importantly, I would be thrilled that I boyfriend was 1) stable enough and wise enough to make this type of investment and 2) discussing it with you.
2I think you need to talk to him about how you feel! I don't think its a big deal at all. In fact my boyfriend is buying and I still don't want to move in with him...I like my own space...and etc. Maybe he just isn't ready right now to move in with you...doesn't mean he never will.
3I don't think it means he doesn't want to live with you. It means he's 27, has a steady job, and wants to buy a nice apartment or condo because hey, he can afford it. You admit to being in a lot of debt and unsure about whether or not you'll be spending tons of money on school in the future. Maybe he's actually taking a burden off of your shoulders by getting his own place, taking care of the bills, and leaving you only to pay the smaller bills you have.
You can still stay over all the time, I'm sure. And it doesn't mean you can never move in in the future. There's always potential!
4just because he said he's planning on buying a home or condo, it doesn't mean that you won't be involved in picking it out. and also a lot of people will buy condos or home and later sell them or rent them out and move elsewhere. He may not be ready to live with you but is ready to move out on his own for a real place rather than renting an apartment. OR he has no intention of having a long term relationship...all possibilites and you just kind of need to relax and not stress about it. no one knows if the person they are dating after a year will be their future partner to marry, so just see where it goes when he's looking at places. in the end it is his choice and you'll only seem childish if you stress or whine about it.
5he's 27 and has his life together. he casually mentioned buying a place of his own, next logical step most would think, and you are upset about him leaving you. basically you took a comment and built an story around it. if the condo is out of state then you have reason to worry. as it is i would think he was setting the stage to talk about what kind of place YOU would want so you could look at them TOGETHER.
6well its not ALWAYS a good investment. but the OP did not mention anything worrisome. Its good news! And while you won't be living there now, at least you can hang out there.
7What the hell are you talking about?!
He's purchasing a home. making a homestead for himself.
It's doesn't mean anything more than that.
what if a year ago when you started dating him he had a condo? would you have freaked out then???
maybe you should focus on getting your life together before stressing about cohabitating with someone else.
8I'm not getting why you're concerned OP because it's actually great that he's getting his sh1t together, going forward with his life, etc. I'd be happy to have a bf like that if I were still single, if anything it'll inspire me to move forward with my future.
It's pretty much a logical step for him to want to buy it himself. You just claim that you have a huge school loan/debt and you're not quite 'together' so your plan is still up in the air about your future (job/etc). Trying to purchase a house together with you will actually cause some problems at the lender, due to your credit (I'm not saying you have a bad credit, you just have a huge loan...)
Dear is right, you need to talk things through with him. And seriously considering something doesn't always mean that he'll go through with it and/or that he'll leave you to live there by himself. And if you do move in with him, it's going to be up to you what terms you guys are going to go, it can either you can be 'paying his mortgage' (paying rent to him) or like Dear says, you can contribute other ways. Discuss it as clearly as possible so that there won't be confusion.
9I'm with Asia. I think you're overthinking this, and being overly presumptious.
Besides, I think you can be ADDED to the title of the home later, if indeed, you move into his residence later (like if you married him). In that case, if he defaults on the mortgage, the lender may come after you, too, even though the mortgage was in his name. Don't quote me on that. Consult a real estate attorney.
Also, what's wrong with you moving into your boyfriend's home, and paying HIS mortgage?? Presuming you're renting, as it stands, you moved into your landlord's property, and paying your LANDLORD'S mortgage. It's the same damn thing. You're simply paying down ANOTHER person's mortgage. Your net worth is still the same. I find your reasoning irrational.
10Why are you stressing out about it? Because he hasn't asked you to move in with him, maybe he doesn't want to co-habitate while unmarried. Anyway, that's what people do when they get closer to 30, they buy homes for themselves. Focus on yourself, you're only 22 and you have a lot of growing up to do.
11Ummm I don't know what your problem is!!!
Would you rather pay a strangers mortgage???
My boyfriend bought HIS house a couple months ago and I live with him. I help pay HIS mortgage and some bills, but I have never thought of it as an issue.
12I think you are totally over-reacting and being immature. This mine and yours attitude is not the way to look at things. You would be building a life together, you should happy that he is taking the next step in his life and buying something rather than paying rent. It means he is planning for the future. Instead of assuming that his plans do not include you why don't you just talk about it.
13It isn't very fair to be thinking so selfishly. If you really care about your boyfriend you should be really excited for him since he has made such an important decision in his own life. He was a person on his own before you came along, and I'm sure your lack of support isn't what's going to make him want to build a future with you.
14I agree with Asia and GlowingMoon.
Also, Dear, I take issue with this statement:
"Purchasing real estate is always a great investment"
Really?
15Honestly, I think you sound too immature for him. He's getting his act together and you're worried about having to help on a mortgage if you live together?! It sounds to me that you are in no way ready for a serious relationship of this level.
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