3 years and you dont live together and have never discussed marriage?? Time to TALK to your man and figure out where he sees you two going. Tell him you love him and want to be with him so you really want to keep moving forward. Does he see you being together forever? Does he want to live together and get married someday? If not, time to move on.

Good luck

"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"

I know it sucks when everyone else is getting hitched, especially when that's what you want. The best way to move forward? End your current relationship and move on. After THREE YEARS, your boyfriend is still keeping his options open. He doesn't want to marry you - that is crystal clear.

When I was in my mid-20s it seemed like everyone was getting married. And I'm not exaggerating when I say most of them are already divorced at age 30 - 32. So don't be too envious.

3 years isn't that long, and it certainly depends on your age, your goals, and past relationships. Sounds from the posting that you are very young and need to grow up a bit. If you can't be happy with others b/c you aren't getting married, do you really think you're actually ready to make that commitment? Realize that what they have isn't indicative of what you have, and it doesn't mean that their relationships will last either. So just be happy with what you have! If you want more then talk to your boyfriend, but don't let other's good fortune be the reason for it.

Wow I'm having trouble believing that some people think 3 years is a long time to have not talked about marriage. I don't know how old you are, but I agree with berlin. Three years is not that long if you're in a happy relationship and I hope you are if you've stayed with him. If you want to talk about marriage then ask him, you might be surprised that he may have actually thought about it (men aren't the only ones allowed to bring up the conversation and a lot of them are scared to). I've been with my SO for 7 years and we just recently talked about marriage, and we didn't move in together until we had been dating for 5 years. Divorce rates are high, so don't worry about everyone else getting married, you have to remember that when you do... you really want it to be forever and forever can wait a little while. A piece of paper won't change much in a sturdy relationship, but it can destroy those that aren't ready.

Oh, here we go again.

I hope this cheers you up:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTkp9UqVVHs

Keep the snide remarks to yourself. When it's your turn, you don't want people to be taking away from your happiness with their jealousy or contempt. Whether you're jealous or not, you look foolish. If your boyfriend knows you want to get married, then he should stop dragging his feet. If you're ready to put on the pressure and he's not ready to commit, move on. He doesn't need you doing that to him, and if you want that now, go find someone willing to give it to you.

Girl.. Three years isn't that long. And don't be in a rush to get married. Marriage has good points and bad points to it. You need to be in a true loving FRIENDSHIP with the person before you get married, because when it comes down to it... Marriage is a business contract. And it's not all romance and people taking care of each other all the time. It's a team commitment. And if one person isn't ready, then you can't push them into it.

Why are people so anxious to get married when they're in their early/mid 20s? Your 20s are the time to have FUN.

Save marriage for your 30s.

First of all, you need to evaluate whether you want to marry HIM or if you just want to get married. I think too many people get married for the sake of being married, and the resuls can be a disaster. I know there is a lot of social pressure to get married, and we women especially are brought up to see it as the ultimate goal, but not being married should not make you actively unhappy. You are the only person who can make yourself happy, and looking to marriage or someone else to do it won't work. Your jealousy implies that what you want is to be married more than to be married to him. Marriage should be the result of finding the right person, not the reason for finding the right person, because we often end up shoving people into that role who don't fit.

If you decide that what you want is to be married to him, then you should discuss it with him--why wait for the man to decide?

I remember when my college roommate got engaged, I was really unhappy in general at the time and I was totally unable to be happy for her (granted I thought it was ridiculous to get engaged and married so young when they hadnt been together very long- but whatever floats their boat)

The other thing is, at 26 I know more than a few people who are already divorced- and more who are unhappily married bc they rushed into it bc of an "oops" baby.

I dont think after 3 years it would be out of line for you to have a talk with your man about where your relationship is going, unless of course your like 18- then you need to chill out. I remember the pressure to get married (going through the same pressure now that I am married to have a baby- its always something), but I would never have wanted to get married until I had finished school and been on my own for a bit- you learn so much about yourself in that time.

People like you DISGUST ME! If you can't be happy for the people around you IT SHOWS...and EVERYBODY sees through it.

You're that MOH who suddenly dislikes the FI
You're the BM who doesn't want to buy a dress
You're the friend who talks behind the bride's back

LIVE YOUR LIFE...not the idea of someone else's happiness!

Thanks, Looseseal, that video almost smothered all of my romantic instincts and made me want to drink Draino! The sound of that woman's voice alone would make me run for the hills.

Very well said, fantome14, I agree with the points you made. On your last point, I certainly understand that a woman would not want to be a passive observer or hostage to a man's decision about whether to raise the marriage issue. I would just add that a bit of caution should be exercised because if the woman broaches the subject too early it can very easily send the wrong signals to a man (i.e. desperation and trying to force the issue). I only say this because I had a girlfriend (and a very lovely lady) who raised this question when we had been dating for six months. It was very awkward and confusing for me.

Of course, the same need for caution applies to a man who first raises the question of marriage.

gossipqueen...I think it was somewhat distasteful that you said that this poster "disgusts you". She is just a human being who has emotions that she is having a hard time controlling. She posted to get advice and words of wisdom from people, not to be bashed or made to feel like she is stupid for feeling the way she does. You don't know her at all and you cannot assume that just because she is having jealousy issues over this one matter that she is all of those other things you said. This is supposed to be a women's community where we can get support and ideas and are made to feel validated. If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all.

i agree with Fallen85 and Luisamapacha.
and agree clareberrys.

"How can I move forward and actually be happy for people without letting my own pity party get in the way?"

Just do it. Be positive. Like I wrote in a past post, when you're positive you naturally draw positive things to you. Your life will turn around. Practice some enlightened self-interest. You're being very short-sighted right now.

Truthfully, you're so negative right now, I don't blame your boyfriend for not proposing to you. Who wants to marry you?? You're hostile and crabby. Yeah, you're real catch right now. A man would want to spend the rest of his life with you! Brighten up. Be positive. You'll be more desirable.

If you want to talk about something with your boyfriend, bring it up. The key to a good relationship is COMMUNICATION, and if marriage is important to you, you need to convey that to your boyfriend. I hate it when couples don't discuss anything and think that everything will just work itself out without communicating. That's a big cause of tension and breakups!

Also, yes, sometimes it's hard to see the people closest to you do the things you've always wanted to do -- in this case, get married. But you can't let jealousy get in the way. Yeah, easier said than done, but if you have a good attitude about things and try to be genuinely happy, good things will come to you.

I guess a better choice would have been ANNOY....there...YOU ANNOY ME!

For the record, I did this post, and I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow, but its just somewhat depressing when everyone else around you is blissfully in love and having a boyfriend like mine with no communication skills can be frustrating. I am totally aware that being a miserable mope about others happiness is an extremely unflattering characteristic..and I don't want to be that person who brings everyone down. I suppose I was just looking to hear how others have coped with engagement & wedding overload. Thanks for the feedback -- both positive and negative. My boyfriend & I are 25 and aren't ready financially to get married, we are both still working on establishing careers.... I guess making an effort to look at things with a good attitude is the only way to just suck it up and wait until its the right time. I didn't want to be known as the crabby bitter one!

Don't be the girl who takes her frustrations out on other people just because she doesn't have what they have. Be happy for your friends instead of raining on their parade.

If a more serious commitment is what you want, then you have to have a chat with your boyfriend about it. Only you can control the way situations in your life are panning out.

Sorry, Laura. I don't think it means you are a bad person for having these feelings. I struggle with jealousy issues & it's not that I don't want good things to happen to my friends & family (I do)--but I would LOVE for just one thing to go right in my life. So yeah, a lot of faking it til you make it. I don't fake happiness for others, but I act like am happy with my life even if it's not where I want to be. Although I will add that I think it is strange that you have not discussed marriage during three years with your boyfriend. Even guys I wasn't serious with would discuss marriage, family, future--it wasn't in regards to us necessarily, or if it was it was a very far in the future thing, but I knew what they wanted in life. I think that is the point of dating for many. So yes, 25 is young and you should not be freaked out about not being engaged, but you simply MUST discuss this with your boyfriend. Marriage is obviously important to you if you are this distraught about others getting married/engaged, so why do you want to be with someone who won't even talk about it?

Jeez, based on some of these responses you'd think the poster had killed her first born. She ADMITS in her post that she doesn't like how she's behaving and knows it's not a good thing! She's asking for help, not a character assault.

Anyway, moving on. I think jealousy and envy are very useful emotions. It often means that you want something you don't have. It's good that you are listening to it and trying to figure out how to improve your situation.

Personally, I think that 3 years is a long time to not have had the marriage discussion, especially at 25. I think that you're likely not in the right relationship for you. I think that if you were in love and felt like you had a future with your BF, you wouldn't feel jealous. And I think that if your boyfriend wanted to marry you you wouldn't feel jealous either.

I might try to talk to him and see what his thoughts are. But if he seems non-commital, and you know it's what you want, then it's time to leave.

I know how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend 4+ years, lived together for most of that time, and all my friends recently got married or are engaged. I'm really happy for them but it can be difficult when everyone is all "wedding wedding" (including the sugar network here) and it isn't happening for you. When I bring it up with my boyfriend, he says "why change things?" I am getting tired of it.

I think the best thing YOU can do is evaluate your relationship and see if you are happy where YOU are at. I can sympathize with you in many ways. I am in a long term relationship and my bf and I just moved in together. A few friends have announced their engagements and its hard to not want that too. I had to take a step back and think is it the fact that I want the marriage right now or the idea of marriage (a ring, wedding party, etc...) or do I genuinly feel that I am in a place where I want to be married. If its just the materialistic fun aspects of a wedding (which for me, at this time in my life, is what I would like) then you need to put your envy aside and be happy for your friends. Your day will come

Laura, I'm sorry but the "we're not financially ready" argument is not flying with me. This is something your boyfriend has been telling you, right? And you're forcing yourself to agree.

After three years, this guy knows you're not the one. Call him out on it. People who are in love get married all the time despite their financial situations. There will never be "enough" money to do anything. When you're in love, you go for it.

You guys should be discussing this. You know what you want and shouldn't forgo it for anyone.

I agree that the "financially ready" argument is bullsh*t. You don't have to be a millionaire to get married, for goodness sakes. If you two really wanted to do it, you would do it, and having the local castle rented out for your big day would not be the most important thing; the important thing would be the formal declaration to your community that you have promised to be devoted to each other as long as you both shall live.
Now, if you can look at yourself and determine that you really want to marry your boyfriend and not the fairytale ideal of happiness that comes with a stereotypical wedding, then I say bring it up casually and see how he reacts. I will say that it's disturbing that he hasn't even mentioned what he would want in a marriage (not necessarily being married to you) in the three years you've been together and that he balks at the notion of even moving in together after 3 years! If you really want to get serious with him, you have got to figure out what his issues are first. The fact that you are so unhappy at weddings might just be a sign that you feel you deserve that happiness and aren't getting it from your boyfriend. I don't know what your situation with your boyfriend is, but regardless, this issue involves both of you and you need to have a nice, long talk.

don't worry laura_j, I understand what you are talking about I am 26 and my boyfriend of 5 and a half years is 25. We haven't even mentioned the word marriage! when I hear about friends who have gotten engaged I am do feel happy for them but sad for myself because I haven't been proposed to yet and I really want that special moment and everything that I have imagined an engagement to include-ring, phone calls to friends and family etc...I just finished grad school and am starting my career and my boyfriend is finally getting comfortable at his new job, so I think I feel ready to bring up the marriage question and he could too by the way! the way I cope with seeing others get engaged/married is to learn from the mistakes or good decisions they are making or have made when planning their weddings because when it's my turn I will be more smart about it!!!

I think that if you can recognise that you are behaving badly, then you can and must adjust your attitude.

Is your relationship good? Stable? Are you happy? I bet you're happier than a lot of married couples....

i don't think three years is too early to mention marriage or moving in together. you should at least feel comfortable talking to him about those things & seeing if you two are on the same page as far as your future goals with each other.

Wow ... if hadn't come across this post in my rss feed ... I would have thought I wrote it.

I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU'RE FEELING.

I've been in a 3 yr relationship that hasn't shown a sign of progressing. If what you really want is to get married ... dump the guy and find someone on the same wavelength. If what you want is progress in the relationship ... some sorta step forward ... TALK TO THE GUY. If he can't meet you face to face ... leave.

3 years actually is a long time to be in a stalemate. Your 20s might be the time you should be having fun ... but you don't want to be in your 30s and 40s and looking back thinking "crap, I've been in one bad relationship all this time, and now I have to start from scratch again." If this relationship isn't working, move onto another ... until you find one that fits.

As for the feeling negatively about the people around you getting engaged and married ... you should try to keep your negativity to yourself and try to find things to do that distract you from that "being the singleton among the married" feeling. Go celebrate all the things you can do now that you wouldn't be able to if you were married ...

I guess I just don't understand this great desire that some girls have to be married. To me, if someone makes you happy and you have a commitment with them, then why does a wedding and a marriage certificate really change things that much? I think a lot of women see it as a life goal they want to accomplish. It's not a friggin competition folks! Everyone's lives and relationships are different. Besides, the younger people get married, the higher the rates of divorce. I think this is because when you are young, you usually have not had enough experience to know for sure the kind of person that you would be most compatible with. I agree with some of the other girls that you need to talk to your guy about how you are feeling. But don't give him any ulitimatums unless you are prepared to follow through on it. Above all, STOP comparing yourself to other people!!! You don't know what really happens in their private lives. It is never good to compare yourself. Learn ways to be happy within yourself, and you will naturally find that you will feel love and happiness for others. It is better to be ready and certain about marriage instead of doing it too soon or to the wrong person and getting divorced later on. Good luck to you.

Janine - marriage is not just a piece of paper. It's a public, legal, lifelong commitment made in front of friends, family and usually God promising to devote your life to another person. If you think that's the same as dating for a while or living together, you are sorely mistaken.

Wow, I agree with pop. Some of the comments on here are neither constructive, or informative. Just rude and lofty...

We have all been there before..the green eyed monster. It is part of being human. But remember, the grass is always greener on the other side. You never know what goes on behind closed doors in relationships, and engagements and marriages may seem shiny and nice on the outside, but that is not always the case. However, being happy and supportive, although difficult sometimes, is your best bet. I am truly a believer in karma, and giving off positive feedback to your friends will help that good karma to find you. Just hang in there!

*oops..the grass ISN'T always greener on the other side

I feel like I could have written this post as well. I'm also 25, been with my boyfriend 3 years and am disappointed at his inability to talk about marriage in the concrete (he'll make plenty of abstract comments about the pets we might have, those sorts of things, but no plans!). I do think some people here are being unfair to the poster. Just because she is young doesn't mean she doesn't know what she wants or just wants to get married for the ring and the party. I left every single one of my ex boyfriends because they wanted to marry me and I was a commitmentphobe. Now that I'm with my current man I've realized that I am interested in getting married, not because it's something I've always wanted (because I never wanted it before!) but because I found a person I could actually see myself with. It could very well be the same for this poster.

As to the "not financially ready" argument, it's not bullsh*t. There isn't just one model for relationships and for some people getting married in the middle of financial hardship just isn't something they want to do. My boyfriend and I are both in the middle of graduate school and we have lots of loans to pay off from both undergrad and grad. Even if we were about to get married it might not be a great idea It could be an excuse, but it doesn't have to be.

I definitely feel that same jealousy and "why not me?" emotion despite my best efforts to be happy for my friends (ALL of whom seem to be getting married and engaged right about now). It's hard because you can do all the rationalizing in the world, but it doesn't change the fact that sometimes you want it to be uncomplicated. We are told that if a guy doesn't "know" then he's all wrong for us and then the insecurities set in. Laura, please don't listen to the posters saying that he knows you aren't the one and you should leave. If you love this guy, you should talk to him. He could have valid reasons for not bringing it up, he could be scared. I felt better when I sat my boyfriend down and really tried to understand where he was coming from. Most of you posters may think this is a crock of bull, but basically he told me he wouldn't be with me if he didn't see a future, but that he is scared and he's also 4 years away from finishing his doctorate still and he feels like he wants to be more settled. While part of me wants to say "but if you love me we could still get married now" I realize that if I really love him, I'll be patient a little longer. Like all human beings your boyfriend probably has his own complex set of feelings on this subject, I think it's time you sat down and had a mature talk about them. Good luck, I definitely feel your pain!

Thanks for the feedback -- The financial thing is truth, we were going to move out together but he finally got into school after being on a year & a half waiting list, and my credit is shot and I'm paying off loads each month to dig myself out of it. Another wrench in the wheel of our relationship is that when we broke up for a few months, I moved across the country. We started talking, met halfway spent a week together. A month later decided I was going to come home. Now I feel like he owes me something I guess -- like he isn't showing the same kind of committment that I did by leaving the new life I had started to establish. Generally things with my man are great, except sometimes he acts so indifferent and nonchalant about things it makes me wonder if anything ever irks him or if he is passionate about anything. But true, the grass always appears greener on the other side, and i guess you really dont know what goes on behind closed doors. Thanks for the advise

Ah, well, he knows he has you in the palm of his hand. You uprooted your entire life for him. What you should have said was "Want to get back together? I'll help you apartment hunt in my new town."

This guy won't be proposing any time soon, if ever. That you can be sure of.

laura: you decided you were coming home. I don't hear a "we" in there. he owes you nothing.

My friends (married now) met in school in CA, then the guy moved to Boston for grad school He was there a year; it was really hard on the relationship. So they both had a talk and decided, mutually, that if he moved back to CA, the relationship would be taken to another level. But if he didn't move back, they just couldn't handle the stress of ldr. He moved back, things worked well for them and they've been married five years now!

But they mutually agreed that it was the best for the relationship and agreed that the relationship would now be at a different step than it was before.

If you just went ahead and moved back thinking it was going to change something in him, and he didn't really care either way - then I don't see why you're surprised.