Dear Sugar,
During my husband's first marriage, he had a long-distance (but full-on sexual) affair with a married woman. After we were married, I discovered that they were still in contact. I told him it had to end immediately, and he stopped contacting her. She would still call sometimes, and I demanded that he tell her to stop it. He refused to be "mean" to her, so in a fury, I called her husband and told him that since she'd already ruined his first marriage, I did not want her anywhere near us.
He didn't know about it before I called him. My husband now says he's glad I took charge and ended the problem, but my girlfriends say I was completely irresponsible and put the other woman in danger. They made me feel horrible, and told me it was possible that her husband would be violent against her. This situation has caused a lot of grief for me and my husband, but now on top of that, I'm worried about her. I was trying to fix the situation. Did I do the wrong thing?
— Full of Fury Fleur
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Dear Full of Fury Fleur,
Unless this woman is already in an abusive relationship, I doubt that her husband resorted to physical violence after learning about her infidelity. But it's better to be safe than sorry so try contacting The National Domestic Violence Hotline. They'll have information on what you can and should do. I think it's more likely that this is just a situation she and her husband will either work through or not.
On a separate note, I'm concerned that your husband was still in contact with the woman that ruined his first marriage. And I think it's important that you understand that any contact between them is a two-way street regardless of who initiates it. Your husband should have been adult enough to end things with her, but instead, you had to do it for him and that's a problem if you ask me. I'd suggest a couple's therapist for you and your husband while you work through this obvious issue in your relationship. Perhaps it's time to get to the root of the problem.
Betty Barclay
Napo Shop
Vertbaudet
if i were you i would not feel the least bit of pity for this woman. your friends are crazy if they are worried that this woman's husband is going to abuse her because of this. i think saving YOUR marriage is a lot more important than protecting the woman your husband was having an affair with. i would have done the same thing, though i hope you & your husband strongly consider couples' therapy since he still has fidelity/monogamy issues.
1Umm...
I'm sorry... But... WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH YOUR HUSBAND?
He disrespected you by staying in contact with this woman. And then HE REFUSED TO TAKE CARE OF THE PROBLEM WHEN YOU CONFRONTED HIM ON IT?
The person I feel most sorry for is you. I believe in forgiving... But as to why you are putting all the fault on this woman is beyond me.
I don't think you did anything wrong by going to the woman's husband. But seriously, I think you should worry about your own marriage and why your husband "refused to be mean" to the woman. What kind of man is he if he can't even clean up his own messes?
Sounds like a leech to me.
2I agree with TheMissus, this little boy in a man's clothing is nothing but trouble
3I think you made a mistake. The person you needed to retaliate against was your HUSBAND, not the other woman.
Funny how you seem to have more "fury" with this woman than your husband. He's the spouse who betrayed you.
I confess I find your behavior pathetic. You're dick whipped -- mindless and weak. And the sad part is that you're whipped by a weak man, not an upstanding one. I feel sorry for you.
4i also agree with the missus
shame on him. hes afraid to hurt her feelings??? what about yours? seems like he puts her first. thats probably an issue you should contemplate.
5i'm gonna have to agree with themissus, she couldn't have said it any better..
6I totally agree with everyone the missus and everyone after. You took your anger out on the wrong person entirely. Your husband is just as weak and pathetic as you. I would be more worried about the fact that your marriage is not based on trust and respect than what is going on in some woman's marriage that you do not even know!
7I feel bad for the woman's husband who was in the dark about this all for what must have been years. Emotionally, she was abusing him. However, I think you should have spoken directly to her and not the husband.
I don't see how you can trust your own husband through all this. Who's to say that the contact was ever fully broken if he's kept it up all this time? Surely, there are ways for him to get in contact with her without you knowing. At the very least, have a good long talk with him about how this has affected you and your marriage.
8That muthaf*cka couldn;t step up and cut all ties with the woman. That means something.
a) still f*ckin' her
b) he's a punk
You forgive him for having a long distance (which always takes extra effort) affair, but you're gonna have so much rage towards ole girl, that you called her husband?!
Check your man!
If that h* was calling your house or what not, then why not step to her like a woman if you're so enraged???
you called her husband to tell on her like a b*tch.
guess what? her hubby may or may not leave her..and i can guarantee you her and your husband will be back in contact soon enough.
who you gonna call then?
9Your friends are being ridiculous.
If her husband acts out on her, that is not your problem. She should have thought of that before she started screwing your husband..... and you should have expected this when you married a known cheater. But whats done is done.
10I agree with Asia 100%. I would bet money that he is still with her and the two of them are probably having discussions about how clueless you are. If he wanted to end it with her he would have done it a long time ago.
11I agree with everyone else. I don't know why you're still with your husband.
12You're husband is an a-hole weenie, and your friends sound pretty rotten. That skank deserved to be outed but what you should really be questioning is the kind of people you surround yourself with.
13Umm, this woman had an affair with a married man, and did not care to be honest enough to tell her husband? Well then, it's not your problem for outing her, when it was something she should have told him herself.
On the other hand, I don't know how much I would trust your husband, knowing he is a past cheater, and was hesitant to break off communication with this lowlife skank. Call me paranoid, but I would be checking phone records.
And PS: your friends suck. Replace them with some people who can be more supportive during times of adversity.
14You didn't do anything wrong. Your husband is a weak individual, but she kept getting in contact with your husband after he continued ignoring her. I've been in that situation. I never took charge because she eventually laid off, but this woman is horrible. Her husband should have been notified, and whatever repercussions she faces, she deserves.
Plus, any woman who cheats on her husband isn't afraid of anything. Your friends are a bit paranoid. They know nothing about this woman or her husband, and claims he could BEAT HER?? WTF? Where did they get THAT from? So random.
15Dick-whipped? What a harsh and unnecessary term. Yeah, he had an affair with this woman during his first marriage, but who's to say he wasn't unhappy in his first marriage, but is happy, now? After all, he did date and marry this poster, so he might have moved on. Many men still keep in contact with women they've slept with in the past, and that's all she really is. Until he gives his new wife evidence that he's cheating, I don't understand why everyone is trying to make her feel paranoid. Plus, this other woman from his past is apparently clingy and pathetic...She's obsessed with this guy, so just feel flattered. That girl from my boy's past never dated him, but kept talking to him obsessively after we started dating. Eh, some women just want what others have.
I admit, I'm not mature enough to date or marry a cheater, but maybe given the circumstances, I can be just as forgiving as this woman. Sheesh, lay off!
16Uh, telling a woman who is pretty much asking for an affair to stop calling isn't "mean", its what any husband who loves his wife would do. And your friends are dumb, who hears this and thinks "OH! Poor woman might get hurt!" I might get it if they said it was wrong, because it wasn't your place, but cause she might get hurt doesn't make sense. Unless they know something you don't, which for your sake I'm gonna hope that isn't the case.
17no i don't think you did the wrong thing. but do think you and hubby need some good maritial counseling.
18You didn't do wrong by telling her husband. But you should have talked to her first and told her to leave you and your husband alone. In the end, the husband had every right to know that his wife can keep her legs closed and made a habit of destroying relationships. Unless you knew that her husband had violent tendencies, your friends are just being ridiculous.
That being said, since the trust in your relationship is broken, you either need to get martial counseling or a divorce because your marriage is unhealthy.
19lol, good for you! wow, i bet your heart was racing during that call. your friends sound very unsupportive. i don't get that, i think you were awesome.
20Truthfully, I see a possible twist here that the OP may not have foreseen. This malevolent measure she pulled may be turned against her (if the the other woman plays her cards right).
If the worse case scenario occurs, and her husband severely punishes her, she could play the victim's card to manipulate herself into the OP's husband's heart. She could tell him that she's willing to "endure" any punishment for her love for him. The pain and suffering is a "cost" she's willing to pay. And she has "no regrets" for loving him.
The OP would look like the bad guy, and the other woman would be the martyr. Men fall for that sh*t. And if that woman comes across as the enduring damsel in distress (and she legitimately would be) over him, she could capture his heart. She would become endeared to him. Like I said, men fall for that.
So OP, I hope nothing bad happens to that other woman. If something does, due to her love for your husband, she could use that to manipulate herself into his heart. And if you husband is as weak as I think he is, he would most likely fall for it.
Oh. If her husband leaves her, guess what?? Now she's free and clear to come after your man. She has more freedom.
Like I said, I think your malicious behavior was a mistake. Now, I think it may backfire on you (if the other woman knows how to use the ammunition you gave her).
21I re-read the post, and there's nothing there to suggest this other married woman wanted anything more than a friendship with the poster's husband. I mean, her affair with him might have ended after his first marriage, and now, they're just friends. Sure, they decided to have a sexual relationship at a bad time, but they could just be cordial ex-lovers. There is no reason to assume this other married woman is trying to steal the poster's husband or rekindle their past affair. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt.
22I'm sorry OP, by WHY did you marry a known cheater? I don't care how unhappy we was in his first marriage - good people don't cheat. It really is that simple. If he did it once, he'll do it again, to you. The way he refused to handle this situation is a taste of worse things to come. Forget couples' therapy - get therapy for yourself to examine why you married such a douchebag.
23I agree with Sarah Bellum and chocolatine. Your friends sound like assholes, and your husband sounds like a cheating wimp. I am not going to assume that he is still cheating with this woman, but I would seriously wonder why he is still in contact with her. If he is truly done cheating, then why would he feel the need to still to talk to this woman? If he realized that what he did was wrong in his first marriage, you would think that he would realize to begin with that what he was doing is disrespectful to you. The fact that he didn't shows me that your problem lies with your husband, not this other woman. Also, how long were you with him while he covered up the fact that he was still in contact with her? Do you not share a phone line with him? That tells me that he is sneaky and dishonest. That is what I would be concerned about if I were you. I certainly have no right to tell you if he is still cheating or not, because I don't know you personally, but in any case he is seriously disrespecting you.
Your husband is the problem here, don't feel angry at the other woman, he is an adult fully in control of his own behaviour.
I really think you should consider counselling. And yes, I am also confused about why you would marry a cheater.
24A) You need new friends, how old are they? Where do you come up with "he might beat her"? Are they really taking her side? Tell them to shut up you handled your business and they don't like it maybe this woman would like their husbands' phone numbers.
B) I'm not mad at you for what you did. Why go to her? If your husband already asked her to stop calling and ignored her there was nothing left to be said to her. He does need to stop being such a wimp though... If he cared about your marriage if he had to hurt her feelings to keep you then so be it!
C)I don't think you've heard the last of this woman. She is obviously needy clingy and quite possibly emptionally unstable. If her husband leaves her she might try to reach out to your husband even more, which means he's going to have grow a pair, put on his big boy pants, and let that trick know where to go
25I will only state my opinion on your main point. I don't think it is your responsibility if the other women gets beat by her husband. I am not saying that her husband would be right in any form to hit her, but she made her choices. Technically it wasn't your place to tell but what is done is done. Don't lose sleep over it.
26obviously i agree with everyone here that your husband SUCKS, but just to calm your own nerves, the odds of that woman being abused for the FIRST TIME because of your admission is slim to none. he would have already been violent with her in the past if that was his character so dont worry about that - focus your energies on your own life and get the hell out of this relationship!
27What you did was fine and appropriate- no need to feel guilty. You did absolutely nothing wrong!
28You have a wimp for a husband and no support from your so-called friends. Something for you to consider more so than what you are asking us. Get a start on life and start thinking about YOURSELF. Not him and not your friends. Good luck.
29I don't get why men can do cruel things to people 'they care for' - yet, can't be mean when it comes to shove.
When my boyfriend cheated, I demanded he break off ties, he agree'd, but went back because he didn't want to be mean. And he cited that she was a friend - who talked sh*t about him. Ha.
That's an excuse (the whole being mean thing) - she shouldn't mean that much to him, and if she does, it tells me he uses her as a shoulder to cry on from the big meanie wife!
But don't worry, I didn't need to rat her out (which, good for you, I was going to do it myself) to her boyfriend, she f*cked herself by exposing how much of a biggot she was.
But, let me say, it won't stop, until your husband MAKES IT. No matter what, she will get in contact with him, and she will continue.
30I don't think you had a right to out her to her husband. You should have confronted her, not him. Her husband wasn't the problem...she was.
31Have anyone ever talked to a mistress and managed not to have it turn into an argument and/or a whole lot of aggravation? If so, I need tips on how to make that miracle happen.
How on Earth did your "girlfriends" jump to the conclusion that the woman's husband will be violent towards her? They don't even know those people! And what kind of girlfriends get all "oh, that poor other woman!" when they learn about trouble in their friend's marriage?
But... Oh yeah, if a guy ever said to me that he's going to keep communicating with the woman he had an affair with because he doesn't want to be "mean", he better worry about domestic violence. Not that having his face planted into a pile of his stuff on the curb would hurt a man who has no spine.
I wouldn't get on the OP's case for being a "tattletale", because seriously? The skanky beeyotch deserves no respect and no consideration. A civilized talk woman-to-woman is too good for the likes of her. But I do have to say, telling the woman's husband was not a smart move for the OP's own sake. Because, yeah, I can definitely see her using the tactic GlowingMoon described in post # 21.
This is why I limit my revenge fantasies on my father's mistress to my head. Because you do not want to give people with no scruples and no shame ammunition against you. Not a good idea.
Silverlining10, you're way too nice. "Just friends"? "Benefit of the doubt"? Ah, I was like you once. Oh, to be optimistic and naive again.
"your problem lies with your husband, not this other woman"
Hey, it's true that the other woman isn't the
only person who's behaving badly here, but it's not really necessary to go the other extreme and absolve the other woman of all blame and declare it unreasonable to be at all angry with her.
32You're not the only one to say something to this effect, Janine22, so this is not directed solely at your comment, but I'd just like to make a tiny correction here:
"your problem lies with your husband, AS WELL AS this other woman"
There, much better!
Okay, let's be honest here... you weren't trying to "fix" the situation, you were trying to exact revenge on the woman.
You had no place to do what you did.
And like others have said, your husband doesn't seem like a prize, either.
33Um... there is nothing the others have said I haven't but...what kind of relationships are your friends in if they immediately think her husband is going to be abusive.
Your husband is a cheating douchebag..Dump his ass.
34Oh, and "I don't want to be mean" tells you he still cares about her. I had a jerk of an ex who I kept talking to, and when people asked me why I would say that, but deep down I still had a thing for him, that's why I didn't make him leave me alone. That little bit sprouted up after being surrounded by a bunch of bs (it's great fertilizer). She still has a hold on him, and he doesn't want her to let go.
I find the people who berate the OP for what she did funny. While it might not have been the best choice, the situation doesn't really have a perfect resolution. The woman wasn't going to listen to her, and the OP's husband refused to deal with the situation. The best methods were cut out right there. The OP was the only one who wanted the situation resolved so she did the best she could. While I dislike her husband in this situation, she obviously doesn't want to lose her marriage. What would you have done? And you have to take all those factors into account (husband won't cut ties, other woman won't stop, and you can't leave the marriage).
35"I find the people who berate the OP for what she did funny. While it might not have been the best choice, the situation doesn't really have a perfect resolution. The woman wasn't going to listen to her, and the OP's husband refused to deal with the situation."
I disagree with this comment.
Let's say you are married to a guy who is a work-a-holic, and you tell him he has to stop working late or else... And then let's say he keeps working late. Would you then call his BOSS and tell his boss something outrageous so he gets fired? Yeah, you'd be solving the problem, but it would absolutely be the wrong way to go about it.
Just because the OP's husband refused to deal with the issue does not make it someone else's problem, let alone the cheating woman's HUSBAND's problem who is an innocent party in this and had NOTHING to do with it.
Of _course_ there were other ways to solve the issue. Just because you don't like the other options doesn't mean there aren't any!
36Either way it's bad. You have a coward for a husband and stupid friends. I mean, really stupid b*tches.
37Make your hubby pay for it, it's the least of what he deserves.
I can't afford to be a cheater sympathizer.
silverlining wrote:
"Let's give her the benefit of the doubt."
Account noted even for your moniker, this is *still* a stunningly absurd statement.
This woman had an extramarital affair with OP's husband during his former marriage (while she was also married). She remains married to the man she cheated on, yet still contacts her former lover, who is now married to OP. Her husband knew nothing of her infidelity.
Where is the "doubt" that you're able to muster on behalf of her benefit? I cannot locate it!
Clearly, she does not value the institution of marriage or fidelity within the bounds of it. (And I do not accuse her of this *simply* (and only) because she cheated.) By her current actions, she shows that she still disrespects her husband and does not value him or their relationship. She cannot have "learned her lesson" and truly changed her cheating heart if she continues to play "let's be friends" with her former lover. NO ONE who cheats on their spouse, then claims personal reformation, has any business keeping up with their former lover (even if only in words and voice -- because we all know how titillating communication can be in any form).
She cannot have her husband's approval on even a platonic friendship with OP's husband, because she has not divulged the shameful nature of their history (and possible present circumstances). Therefore, they (as a married couple) have not worked through it and come to an agreement about acceptable behavior on her part.
No, there is no doubt surrounding her. She behaves in a very factual manner.
Because of this, she has no place in your husband's realm -- and he needs to show some sack. Cut her out completely; no remorse, no apologies. If *he* had been faithful during his former marriage and she had only been someone he dated after becoming divorced, then he would have the luxury of continuing a cordial friendship (if she hadn't also been cheating during their little tryst). But strict isolation from a former lover is the price one pays for infidelity -- no whining allowed!
He should've changed the home and cell phone numbers, plus dumped his email addy for a new one. It is not nearly as hard to make yourself unavailable as some people might claim.
OP should consider the Hubby very carefully right now.
The phone call to former (possibly current?) lover's husband was pure vengeance. (I'm not saying that *I* wouldn't be tempted to do the same, I'm just truth-telling.)
38Would any woman here encourage their husband or be okay with him having contact with someone he disrespected a previous relationship with?
39i'm curious, was all of this settled and discussed in the playground sandbox. sounds like it. this is childish behavior from everyone including your friends who dared to make you feel bad for doing what you did. first of all re-evaluate your friends. real friends would never stick up for the other woman. secondly, your husband is an asshat.
40what in the world?
this is ridiculous, and that woman is going to deserve whatever she gets. if he wanted to be with her he had the chance, IN BETWEEN THE TWO MARRIAGES SHE JUST RUINED. these types of people never cease to amaze me, sitting on two chairs at once, trying to fool everyone.
get up and leave and next time don't marry a cheater.
I have to say that I'd have serious issues about my hubby CONTINUING AN AFFAIR AFTER OUR MARRIAGE. And if you think that's not what's going, then you're dumber than you look. Seriously, he doesn't want to cut off the supply of coochie. It has nothing to do with "being mean". It has to do with him being able to still boink her.
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