You are certainly entitled to your opinion, but may people enjoy watching porn as part of their sex lives. My fiance and I have the hottest sex after we've watched porn together and let the tension build. I suppose if it's that important to you, then it's a deal-breaker and you need to move on. The reality is, though, that he probably won't stop, and I can't honestly blame him.

I think you have every right to be mad that he did it behind your back, but as a married female I enjoy watching porn with my husband. It helps me be more willing to explore different types of sexual positions and really turns me on. Maybe you need to find out why he is watching or looking at it. I believe if you cannot connect sexually there is no real chemistry.

She doesn't want to support an industry that involves exploited women with daddy issues and hard luck stories. Exploiting people for profit is not something everyone wants to support, whether or not it could be a great way to get off. Some people have different standards and that is okay.

If he has different standards, then move on and find someone more compatible.

It isn't always about exploitation. Some people like watching it, some like being in it, some like both:) It's an exhibitionism issue, not one of exploitation....we're quite past that by now.

I think it's very foolish to have such an adverse opinion of porn. Hell some of it can really be sensual! Sex therapists even implement its use. Things such as girls gone wild is I suppose more exploitative, but then again it's stupid drunk girls (and yes i use the term girls referring to their maturity as well as age) getting boys' attentions b/c they know it works. Same thing when they get drunk and make out at parties.

But I digress, yes some porn can be bad but others can really be a lot of fun! There are the raunchy flicks and the much more um, female-minded, which are usually filmed and produced BY women. Hell I have my favorite porn stars that I like to watch and just will fast forward if another comes on lol.

But you have to take a step back and realize it isn't all bad, you may find some that you could enjoy too. I hope that you don't have the same feelings about masturbation (both female and male!) but you need to also realize it's perfectly natural to enjoy porn and naked visuals of both sexes and that you can't expect him to change. That's your value and you wouldn't want him to do what you're doing to him, back to you.

To answer your question, no of course you aren't wrong! That is your opinion and it is perfectly fine just b/c that's what it is! Your opinion!

If you really do know that he lied about stopping then there is nothing more to do. He likes it enough to keep looking at it regardless of your opinion and you don't approve. He will keep looking at it and hiding the fact that he looks at it better. The only thing to do is move on and find someone that shares your beliefs. Talking to him about it again won't do a thing, he isn't going to stop doing something he likes and is perfectly ok with just because you don't think it is right.

No, you're not wrong. You have an opinion, and it's okay for you to have one.

If you think this is a deal breaker for you, you should walk away.

I agree that if it's something that he likes and isn't going to change then move on. I share your feelings and I can say it will be hard to find a man who does also but they do exist.
Most people will tell you to porn is not a big deal and to get over it but I understand having moral objections to it and I wouldn't date a guy who didn't at least care enough about me to not make it a part of his life. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Berlin wrote:

"I think it's very foolish to have such an adverse opinion of porn."

Wow; I think having *this* (above) opinion is stunningly arrogant and self-important. But that's just my opinion.

((shrugs))

I, on the other hand, believe that it is perfectly acceptable to disagree with porn as a personal choice, and I think everyone has a right to make their own determinations and run their own lives however they prefer.

In my mind, freedom to choose goes both ways, whether conservative, liberal, or other.

To address the OP: Clearly you and your boyfriend are not compatible on this issue, and I imagine that neither of you can be truly persuaded to the other's opinion on this issue. (You seem firm in your ideology, and I doubt he will cheerfully cease participating in an activity that he enjoys so much -- at least, not without resenting you terribly, or possibly doing it behind your back.)

At this point, you must decide whether it is a deal-breaker for you. If it is, then break it off with him. You can love someone without continuing to be involved with that person -- it just sucks quite a lot sometimes.

Good luck.

A Nonny Mouse...I don't think she's wrong in having an opinion, I just think it's foolish that she's so hostile about the concept of two people being taped having sex and other's watching it for enjoyment. You share the opinion but not the severity of her anger towards something that is natural to so many people.

I'm curious..to those against porn...are you also against ever being on tape with you and your devoted husband (someday) to later watch together?

Yes, I would be against that--I would never tape myself having sex. I'm against porn, but I just turn a blind eye to it. I'm sure my boyfriend looks at it, but I don't want to know. I hate to think that I'm being compared to those women. If the OP has a problem with it & her boyfriend won't change, then she should break up with him. Although recognizing that it will be extremely difficult to find a guy who she clicks with AND isn't into porn.

my husband used to have a habit of watching porn years ago. After we met and established a relationship, he admitted that he'd rather watch porn with me to spice up the sex life rather than for the sake of watching porn. I think there's a fine line between men who watch porn obsessively, constantly checking out women, and constantly exchange emails with his friends about porn, and men who realize the existence of real women and use porn as a tool occasionally. I think you're better off asking him to stop being obsessive but be mature and use it as a tool sometimes. But if you feel that it's a deal breaker, then I guess nothing you do will make him part with porn completely.

I'm not against people taping themselves having sex. I think a couple should be able to do whatever they are comfortable with.
I am however against it being shared with others. Call it my Catholic upbringing but I believe sex is to be shared between two people who care about each other, not used to stimulate another couples sex life. I certainly don't condemn other people for enjoying it, it's just certainly not for me. I can think of plenty of other ways to keep my sex life interesting other than porn.
To each their own though and hopefully the poster will be able to find a way to resolve this that makes her comfortable.

Berlin wrote:

"You share the opinion but not the severity of her anger towards something that is natural to so many people."

*Who* is the "you" that you're addressing? Do you mean to direct yourself toward an intangible you, a general you (as in "you meaning all of us"), or are you speaking to me directly?

If the latter, you have mistaken yourself (or have been presumptuous). I personally never stated my own opinion of porn -- I stated only that I believe each person has an innate right to determine what choices are appropriate for themselves and their own relationships. I support individuality and freedom for everyone, even when it is considered unpopular or unorthodox.

In truthfulness, I did write that I think your statements sounded arrogant and self-important. My opinion remains unchanged, but I understand your perspective -- I just do not agree with your sentiments (regarding the foolishness of the OP), nor do I share in your approach.

The OP did not sound hostile to me, but your interpretation strongly departs from mine.

She has issues with porn as an industry (much like a machine, and therefore is not personal) and she responds to porn (as a consumable product and service) with repugnance. In my narrow opinion, neither of these thoughts represent personal slights (but maybe that's just me; I could be assigning meaning where there is none).

But she *does* state that (people) watching porn is "unacceptable" to her (I imagine this bothers you very much) -- but I (reasonably, imo) infer that she means in her own personal life and relationships. I would also put myself out on a limb and guess that she means that the act of watching porn disgusts her, and maybe not that she is disgusted with the people viewing the materials, but even I think I might be stepping into the grey a bit with my take on this statement.

I guess I'm just not seeing hostility, but (rather) a woman contending with a seemingly insurmountable difference in ideology between herself and her love.

But your statements, Berlin, abound with more than subtle hostility. What you have written colors your opinions as not only condescending, but perhaps even authoritarian. Not exactly open-minded to others' thoughts and opinions -- and that is what strikes me as riddle-some in its shadowy hypocrisy (if in theory only).

But, then again, that is just my reaction -- and I offer that I might be misinterpreting your statements.

Just the same, to each her own.

i agree with crystalvillage, i think this is a "to each their own" type of situation. if you are not into porn and he is, you may be better off breaking up. it would be hard for you to try to be into it and understanding of it if you are not already and it would be hard for him to stop watching it if he has already watched it for a while. the fact that he hides his porn-watching is sketchy at best. don't sacrifice your beliefs for anyone. and you're not the only one who finds porn wrong.

She seems like she's the type of person who is very opinionated and judgemental...she's not going to change her mind about porn.

If she's gonna pitch such a fit, then maybe she should break up with him.

Point blank.

good luck finding a guy who is also disgusted by porn. Maybe a super-Christian will be your best bet.

you are more than entitle to your opinion...find someone else who shares the same values as you.

You should walk away! There are guys who share your beliefs!

if you find yourself questioning your realationship over this, its a sign that he's not the one for you. time to let go

i just find the only way to be happy with your man is to get used to it. as much as i've always hated it, it's not going away and 99% of men love it. just gotta live with it.

Not all porn is exploitive and it should not be generally labeled as such. There is such a wide variety with, of course, bad eggs in the mix. Still, you are certainly entitled to your opinion about finding it disgusting. Your boyfriend isn't wrong for liking it as he simply has a different set of standards than you. If you can't live with that, move on to someone whose values match yours.

This makes me ask.... how is your sex life? I mean, is he more open about sexuality in general? Does he often ask you to try new positions/experiment in ways that make you feel uncomfortable?

If you are soooooooooo against porn and he doesn't mind it, it makes me wonder if there are other issues going on in your sexual relationship. Maybe this is just sheer incompatibility.

Honestly I don't care that my boyfriend watches porn. I have a few toys of my own. No big deal either way.

OP: You're not wrong in having your own opinion, if it's so different from your partner and both you and he can't find any compromise, I'd suggest to remain true to yourself even if it means breaking up with a man whom you care about/love.
But how do you know for a fact that your bf doesn't want to reduce/eliminate his needs for porn for you? On that point, I think you're taking it way too far, I'd suggest that wait and see how he keeps to his promise or not before just dumping him (that is if you love him though).

Personally, I enjoy porn although some of it are cheezy. If anything, my hubby caught me with my smut more It doesn't offend my sensibility at all since I've grown up around boys who share porn collection with me.

Good luck with your decision, OP. Always remain true to yourself.

I feel the same way you do, and I love the fact that my BF doesn't like porn. It helps me forgive a lot of his misgivings! I don't know what I would do if I had [another!] boyfriend who did like it, and I found it on his computer. Or under our bed. Thing is, neither of us is religious or uptight (we're even rather cool - ); we just think it's degrading for women and not attractive. So no, you don't have to start going out with some stuck up guy who lives in church. And I know a couple of my brothers feel the same way about it, so I don't see a shortage of men who are not into porn.

I don't know if I'd break up with him; if you love him and your relationship is otherwise good, it's an issue that could be solved by compromising and understanding. Maybe you two can reach an agreement that's comfortable for both of you. Maybe if he had some photos and/or videos of YOU, it would make you feel better, and would be enough to satisfy him?

That, of course, if he doesn't send them to his friends!!

Try and talk and resolve it together (when I say resolve, I do mean compromise, not "get it your way!"). If it's impossible, and you really can't get over it, and he can't throw out his stash, then... maybe you're better off out the door.

I was thinking about this quite a bit and started to wonder why so many women think it's exploitive.

Yes, there are many porno flicks out there that cater towards men and that are very exploitive of women.

And porn has changed so much! I'm sorry but have you ever seen the making of a porn film? I cannot stand the ones that are plot driven...a girl comes in, blah blah, decides to do the guy for this reason or that, or it's 2 girls on some sleezy guy...granted yes, those are a bit off and so not my thing.

Then there are the fetish ones that aren't so much my cup 'o java but hey, to each his own what turns you on. But no matter what fetish you have, unless it's anything to do with a child!!, bestiality or necrophelia b/c sorry but those I have a problem with!!...then it's just your prerogative.

However for any woman that thinks porn is DISGUSTING then I have a proposition for you:)
Please try watching one porn in particular...not with your man but just by yourself, objectively.
It's called Island Fever 4. There is no plot, there is no talking. It's just beautiful people of varying sizes, shapes, ethnicities...all on a gorgeous island with the music playing, having sex. You have all different kinds of sex going on and sexual actions, and yes there are going to be scenes you may not like and others you will, but I urge you to watch it with an open mind and see the beauty in it!
AND best part is that it's a 3 disc set (sorry but this is my all time fav porn film) and it has the behind the scenes of it all and a clip that you see them interactive with the natives of the land (I think it may be Bali? I forget where they actually are).

And if you still think that all porn is disgusting after this then you are absolutely entitled to that opinion and should stick to it, but I would be VERY surprised if you still had that feeling after seeing it:) B/C trust me, all you'll be thinking is how much you want to be nude on an island having sex with your man.

I feel that culturally, we've swung from "all porn is bad" to "porn is really AWESOME" and this depresses me. I'm not anti-porn in principle, especially because there are feminist adult-film actors, producers, etc. Intellectually, I think it's fine.

But emotionally, it makes me pretty bummed out. Most porn isn't exactly the most lady-friendly kind of cinema, and I've dated a lot of guys who expect me to act like a porn star. That's not my thing. And I hate being labeled a prude because I dislike most porn — I don't have anything against it in theory, but it turns me off more often than not. It just isn't even remotely sexy to me.

As others have said, you are entitled to your opinion — but so are the men you date. I think most men like porn, and so you have to decide whether you can deal with your partner's proclivities, or whether it's a deal-breaker. I would examine why you find the idea of watching a couple copulate so disgusting (do you feel threatened? does it trigger a bad memory?) and as Dear said, have an open talk. Good luck!

I think it depends... what kind of porn is he into?

Hmm... it might actually be a good test to watch porn together before doing it for reals (I'm thinking in general, not directed at the OP), that way you find out if things that turns him on turns you off and vice versa. It'd sure tell you a lot about sexual compatibility and lessen the chances of having unenjoyable sex.

If you actually watched his porn and it does not turn you on in any way, shape, or form... and if you can really tell that it's the exploitative kind of porn... Then you have differences of ideology and sexual preferences. That's a pretty big deal if you think about it that way.

Just know that there's a wide variety of porn out there. Maybe give it a chance if you're so inclined. But if he loves the kind of porn that disgusts you, I don't see anything wrong with you breaking up with him. I think that would be the most sensible thing to do in that case, really.

ah the age old argument...pornography.

my dad STILL puts a parental lock on all the porn channels on our satellite at home. i haven't lived at home for 5 years... do the math!

my bf, before we were together, would constantly show me stuff. i'd be like wow - ok thanks! i'm indifferent to porn, but i can't stand that he watches really raunchy amateur stuff that's disgusting (bangbros, reality kings...etc) . that makes me question ok- this is really gross...why watch? i think he likes the shock value of it...considering after watching it he proclaims that all women are sluts (jokingly) and is disgusted with everything. i don't get mad anymore, but i've had a few drunken talks with him about the industry and about how we're going to deter our future daughter from being attracted to that profession bc by he time we have a daughter the world is going to be an insane sexual place. putting it in that perspective kind of makes him think about it.

i think it's funny how men get off to women who are so fake not only on the outside but faking their pleasure. (he touches her boob- she sounds likes she's about to explode from the sensation...i mean cmon).

it says a lot about the reason they watch it. it's not even to get 'into' these women or the act of sex...it just the concept of this chick making baby-voiced moans and 'oh, yeah'-ing... on and on while this guy mercilessly pounds her. yeah, not so attractive to a woman is it? it's a guy thing sometimes, like a domination type of thing? that's why a lot of guys like to watch anal i think.

while some women can get into it with their sig. others...it's different, bc you're both watching it imagining pleasure that you're going to receive from each other. when one watches it alone, it gives a lot of lee way to other fantasizing. the girls here who are into it- more power to you and i'm sure you have mind blowing sex lives! but to those against, i know completely how you feel, once being bothered by it.

i don't think she's uptight for not liking porn. porn in itself isn't very classy anymore (was it ever not cheesy?) there are a lot of insecurity issues and jealousy that can be felt, which is natural, because your bf is watching a close up of some chicks hoo haa. not to mention the fact that a lot of porn today is guy oriented, turning a lot of girls off. i guess it really matter in how you approach watching it, your mind set as you enter the world of Pr0n.

another reason for not liking porn that resonates with me, is the fact that some men become so dependent on porn for stimulation or arousal that the become completely useless without it. meaning, 'normal' women don't turn him on, and while he's initiating sex, he's also pressing 'play' in his mind and thinking about his fav porn. yeah, i have a friend...who likes to share his personal stuff. that freaking alarmed me but this is an extreme case.

while many porn stars are becoming celebs across the board, it's looking like porn is here to stay. it's going to be hard to get away from it, which leaves girls like the OP questioning themselves if it's 'wrong to not like porn'. because it's so common these days, people who still oppose it are left to feel ostracized and uptight- but lest we forget that porn was once very very prohibited and obsessively censored in America! everyone is entitled to not like some things without being labeled.

i think the OP has quite a predicament to solve. if you love him enough to try and settle your differences, maybe you can TRY and 'get over it' or just learn to deal. if you feel like it's something that's made you change the way you look at him, than X him out...and find a more tech savvy guy who realizes that DLing porn can give you mad viruses on your computer (that's how my guy f-ed up our desktop...moron!). doesn't he know about all the streaming porn sites! geez!

but seriously, the way you feel is not WRONG. however, either you have some more exploration to do in terms of reasoning with porn which is something that we will be exposed to more and more as the years come, or you can test guys out until you find one simply isn't into it. however, be weary in your venture bc masturbation and porn isn't exactly something most men are honest about sharing! good luck- and we're always here to talk.

ps: sorry this got long but i really enjoyed this topic

puddlesworths comment made me laugh because it looks like the dog is shouting it!

BellaSugar - I agree with you.
Personally I tend to watch kink.com (where the women are treated properly) or feminist porn because it is generally... better?

Who wants to watch double penetration shots of a cock and balls bouncing up and down? Snore~

To the OP - if you didn't find fault with the porn, you'd find fault with something else. Walk.

People should stop criticizing this woman for disliking porn. She dislikes it, and don't try to persuade her otherwise. She did not write about porn, but whether she should walk away because her and her boyfriend have differing views on something she sees as being important.

I say, walk away. If he likes it that much, he might just start hiding it from you, and that's worse. And he might resent you for trying to cut it out of his life. A deal-breaker is a deal-breaker.

I think the real problem here is not necessarily the porn itself, but that your boyfriend refuses to end a behavior that makes you uncomfortable. In my opinion, if he loves you, he will stop doing something that really upsets you. That said, I do think you need to offer him a compromise. Maybe you would feel more comfortable if he had some sexy pictures of YOU to look at. Then he is not trying to hide anything from you, and you know he is not looking at other naked women.

I'll start by saying that I have no issues with porn of any sort. That said, I understand that some people are offended by it, and they're entitled to that opinion. I feel that if the OP feels strongly that porn is offensive and degrading and her boyfriend disagrees, that this shows a deep level of difference in their value systems which will resurface in other areas of the relationship, and that may not be reconcilable.

I think you are definitely entitled to your opinion and for the most part I agree with your assessment of porn. The reasons you don't like it are probably that a) the industry is exploitative of women, and promotes unhealthy standards of behavior and beauty and b) your boyfriend is looking at other women to get off. Both of these are respectable objections.

If this is something you absolutely cannot deal with and do not see yourself softening on, then break up with him. Personally, I think it is a very, very common and normally harmless thing for men (and women) to look at porn - and I have found that men who claim to not like it are usually lying. So just realize that this is something you most likely will deal with in the future, too.

If you feel like seeing the 'positive' side of porn (it can be really fun, and in my opinion women should 'own' more of the industry), see if you wouldn't mind watching something very mild and woman-oriented with your boyfriend. There are several woman-friendly companies that put forth more tasteful fare for couples or women alone.

But again, if you're not willing to compromise on this, then move along.

crackaddict, LOL!! I scrolled up to see what you were talking about and you're right! hilarious.

Bella nailed the the crux of the issue, I think. Because of the level of acceptability of pornography by our modern society, we as modern women feel we are expected to be porn stars in the bedroom because that is what our men like. That expectation applies a pressure that can easily cause insecurity because one is perceived as a prude otherwise. Not to mention the expectation by society to be all things...a breadwinner, a mom, a chef, a pornstar, a scribe. As the lyric from that Usher song "Yeah, Yeah" that was popular a few years ago that states that what they want is "a lady in the street and a freak in the bed." That lyric says it all. I don't want to be labeled a prude just because I don't want to let my man ejaculate all over my face or because I don't want to film our sexual encounters.

I'm not particularly of the opinion that porn exploits women in general but we would all be remiss if we ignored that the majority of porn stars, like strippers and prositutes, seem to come from troubled backgrounds; i.e. sexual and/or physical abuse, abandonment, substance abuse, etc. It seems to me to be a more specific form of exploitation than just all women in general...that of women who experience emotional instability.

Gatito, I totally agree. I think the problem is that the popularity of porn pushes a predefined version of sexuality on both men and women, which often hampers our ability to define sexuality on our own terms. It doesn't always, and some people can enjoy porn in a healthy way, but for other people, it makes actual sexual interaction seem second-rate.

I once had a boyfriend who didn't understand why I didn't want that kind of "facial" — and he said I was uptight. I was like, "No, dude, I'm just not interested in it, and now I'm not interested in YOU because you're not respecting my boundaries, and you're more into your own orgasm than in our own connection."

This Naomi Wolf article is also worth reading. Whether you agree or disagree with her theory, it's good food for thought regardless.

Great article, Bella. I'm surprised and encouraged by the number of male commenters that seem to "get it". Thanks for the bringing to our attention.

You are definitely not wrong in your opinion, Deb. No woman should have to deal with their boyfriend/husband going behind their backs and getting involved in sexual acts. In my blunt opinion, its a form of cheating. I delt with the same issue with my boyfriend, and for a while he really didnt understand why it was wrong until I explained to him how it made me feel. I said that if he watches porn and masturbates, then he is not satisfied with me sexually. And if he is not satified, then I want nothing to do with him, for he should appreciate. Thats the biggest problem with relationships, too often do people forget to truly appreciate and respect their significant other.

I think you are a strong woman by standing up against pornography. TOO OFTEN DO WOMEN TRY TO JUSTIFY IT AND SAY ITS OKAY because its a "common thing in society". Its a common thing because women are too afraid to speak up!!! Just because everyone does it does not mean its okay or right. If everyone started doing drugs and giving drugs to kids, does it mean its okay because everyone does it? I know thats an extreme example, but by no means is it a bad example.

I am open-minded enough to say that pornography is not totally wrong, however. I just think that people in relationships should respect each other enough and not go off behind each others back to supposably satisfy their sexual needs. Isnt that part of what a relationship is about? Satisfing sexual needs? I think porn can be okay if it is watched not often at all, and watched as an adult. Yes, an adult. The most powerful force is INFLUENCE. Younger minds become corrupted by pornography where they start thinking of women more as sex objects than beautiful beings. More do they focus on tits and ass then do they focus on the whole beauty. So porn should be only for the mature enough to not degrade women. Period.

karlotta: Send one of those brothers my way!!! lol j/k j/k! But I agree with you...and I am 200% atheist.

I also agree with silverlining 10, some people need to quit telling the poster she is wrong and quit telling her she should like porn, she already knows she doesn't like it, she just wants to know what to do about the guy.
And since when did it make up "uptight", etc. to not like porn.

I was also going to copy part of Gatito's post until I realized I agreed with all of it...lol. So true!!!!!!!

And not liking it does not mean you aren't open minded!!!! Open minded means you accept other people's opinions and think about all sides of something. And then you pick YOUR OWN side. It doesn't mean you have to pick that side that "everybody" else does.

Personally, I am not a big fan of porn so I can understand why you don't like it.
But I just wanted to comment that EVERY SINGLE guy I have ever known looks at porn. And I have known my fair share of guys. You are entitled to your opinion. But seriously, good luck finding a guy that doesn't watch porn. The only other reason for why he doesn't watch it is if he is gay. And then he is watching gay porn. Seriously. Or else, he is just lying to you about watching it. If this is a deal breaker for you, then you might as well switch to women and become a lesbian. Sorry to be harsh, but ALL men watch porn. It's just a fact. Unless they don't masturbate. And 99.99999999999999% of men masturbate.