Dear Sugar,
My fiancé and I have been together three years now and will be getting married in a month. I love him dearly — he is a generous and very strong man. I've been off work for almost five months because I've been struggling with depression. Before, I had been working as a graphic designer at the same company as my fiancé — he managed me on multiple projects. I was beginning to feel like I had my boss at work and at home so I quit. Since I've been home, I've started doing all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and housework and when my fiancé is home, he just plays video games.
When I first met him, he was a total slob and never picked up after himself; he's an only child who's used to having his mom do everything for him. I grew up in a big family where organization was mandatory. Needless to say, I like things clean. My fiancé makes almost triple what I did, plus he works long hours, so I don't expect him to come home and cook and clean — plus doing all the chores doesn't really bother me.
The problem is that even though he doesn't help out, he is constantly telling me how to do things down to the littlest detail, like how he likes his socks rolled and the order in which I wash the dishes! When I explain to him that I don't appreciate his nagging when I'm trying my best, he'll throw a tantrum and it ends up being my fault. I love him, but I'm feeling resentful. How can I fix this?
— In Need of Respect Rita
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Dear In Need of Respect Rita,
If your fiancé micromanaged you in your last job the way he does at home, it's no wonder you needed time off. Frankly, I don't care how many hours your fiancé works, he has no right to be so unappreciative and demanding when you're trying your best to keep the house in order without his help. He's acting like he's still the only child of the family! It's time to put those selfish desires behind him before he commits to being a husband, which is one member of an equal team.
You have to have a serious heart-to-heart before it's too late and this unacceptable behavior becomes an endless pattern. If he wants to yell at you and get upset then that's his choice, but you have to be able to speak your peace. Explain to him that you're happy to accommodate his ideas, but you need him to approach his requests in a much kinder and respectful manner. Obviously he's gotten used to this lifestyle, so it may take multiple conversations to make your point. Let him know that he's hurting you, and in turn putting your relationship in danger.
If this continues into your marriage, I highly recommend you seek therapy to combat it before your resentment takes over, which it inevitably will at this rate. Good luck.
Coggles.com
Mishumo
2two
If he's not helping, I think it's completely unfair for him to be so demanding. If he wants it done his way, why doesn't he do it himself? You should tell him so.
1i second dear's advice. this needs to be resolved NOW
2You need to move out and "date"...it's a boss/employee relationship that has been transferred to a living situation.
3Maybe I'm being silly here, but I wouldn't take it seriously. If he micro-managed me, I would give him a wide-eyed look, and say,"You're so good at doing that. Why don't you wash the dishes from now on??" Or I would ask him to demonstrate doing the laundry, as I watched, so I could relax. Or perhaps, I would feign incompetence, so he would assist me with the chores. I find that people with huge egos easy to manipulate.
4You need to get this talked out BEFORE the wedding. A controlling fiance usually becomes a controlling husband, and that's what you'll be stuck with you if you don't get this out on the table.
I agree with Glowing Moon that you can tease him a little on the advice. 'Oh really?' My Mom used to talk about how her mother would get my grandfather to squeeze fresh orange juice by sweet talking about how no one made better orange juice than he did. There are ways.
But do get this talked about before the wedding. Start your life together on an even keel, not feeling resentful about anything.
5Let me get this straight. Your fiance was too controlling at work so you quit. Now he has a full time housewife to do all of the cooking and cleaning for him, but he is still telling you what to do. So now, not only does he have control of all of your finances, he is also telling you exactly how he likes his socks rolled? Is this the 1950's again! Why are you letting a man have so much control over your life? I am not understanding why how much he makes is an issue about whether he can clean up after himself. It sounds like he has really got things made. This guy has you under his thumb and you are allowing him to control your every move! If you didn't like him as a boss, do you really think that you will like him as a husband? My mom always told me that any thing that you do in the beginning of a relationship will be what you do for the whole relationship. Are you really prepared to do ALL of the cooking and cleaning for this guy for the rest of your life? Also, he throws 'tantrums' is he a grown man or what? It sounds like he wants a replacement mommy, not a wife. I think that you should tell him that next time he tries to tell you how to do something, you will no longer be doing that thing again. For example, if he tells you how he likes his socks rolled again, you will no longer be doing his laundry at ALL anymore. You need to put your foot down NOW and set boundaries, or else he will just continue to try to control and dominate you for the rest of your relationship. Most people will respect someone that is willing to set boundaries and has their own voice, and their own life.(Unless they are an abusive control freak!) I think you should seriously consider getting another job, not working with him and if you want to stay with him, start standing up for yourself NOW before you are stuck in a miserable marriage. Good luck to you and find your voice!
-If people can tell that you're a doormat, they will wipe their dirty shoes on you!
6While I do agree that his behavior is not acceptable because you deserve to be treated as an equal, I just wanted to throw this out there: Is there a possibility that your boyfriend has OCD?
While its annoying as all hell for you, it could explain why he seems to be genuinely bothered whenever things aren't done in a very specific fashion. Make sure you have a talk about why it bothers him so much and how you can't be the subject of nitpicking before the big day!
Also, you mentioned having some resentment toward your boyfriend because after work, he doesn't do much around the house. Personally, I'm on the flip-side of that situation: I work full-time and my boyfriend (though he currently has a job lined up for the fall) has been out of work for the past couple of months, taking care of the housework. As much as you feel ignored, let me assure you that it's rough to work all day every day when your partner is at home. When you get home, you just want to relax and wind down.. your bf has video games, I have the Sugar Network.. but it doesn't mean he doesn't care. I'm sure he was some resentment about the situation too, but being in a relationship means working through that.
7I have to be completely honest here, I totally agree with Janine22. You are a doormat and a replacement for mommy dearest. Is this was you truly want for the rest of your days??
8I think it is kind of a big deal that he tries to tell you the order to wash the dishes in. Seriously, that is ridiculous. That is very controlling, and you let it happen for awhile so it may be hard for him to change his ways.
You need to make sure everything is cleared up before the wedding...that you are absolutely on the same page with all of this. This is the man you will spend the rest of your life with, and unless you talk and clear things up, it won't get any better.
You need to tell him that you want to do things how you want to do them. The fact that you do them is great enough, and you are an adult, so you don't need to be told how to do things!
9Glowing Moon, your technique is actually right on
My hubby and I have different style of cleaning. After our son was born, I've turned into 100% homemaker and as much as I don't mind cleaning up and so on, sometimes it pisses me off when he 'criticized' how I do stuff around the house or if I 'missed' a spot.
So like Glowing Moon, I actually 'manipulate' him into doing a LOT of things himself and more
But he's actually getting better at not making fun of my way of doing things because, OP, I actually talked to him. He did get a little defensive, but when all things were said, if your fiancee loves you enough, he'll LISTEN despite his initial defensiveness.
Nip it in the bud as soon as you can, OP. And if you're unhappy being a homemaker, you should try to find another work in another company, heck, use your fiancee as a reference if need be. Do what will make YOU happier instead of just thinking about HIS needs, HIS job, etc (who cares if he earns triple of yours, etc, the pride of having your own job is tremendous, that is, if you want to). In my case, I'm planning on going back to the workplace after my son enters pre-K (which will be soon).
Good luck to you.
10ohh... Honey... You can't marry this guy.
You are putting your entire life in his hands. You gave up your job because he was too controlling... And now you are stuck at home doing all the household chores and he is still controlling you.
If you want to marry this man, you need to go out and get a job ASAP. DO NOT LET THIS MAN THINK HE IS TAKING CARE OF YOU, AND THEREFORE GETS TO CALL ALL THE SHOTS IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
I predict a divorce not too long after the wedding if you allow this to keep going on the way it is.
And, I'm sorry, but "HELLO?!?" You've been depressed for a few months because you're not working? Sounds like this guy drove you out of your job and into a depression... AND YOU STILL WANT TO MARRY HIM?
Oh.. And one last thing... When I was taking a break from working last year, my husband NEVER had me doing all the chores and housework. JUST BECAUSE ONE PERSON WORKS AND ONE PERSON DOES NOT DOESN'T MEAN THE UNEMPLOYED PERSON HAS TO DO ALL THE CHORES.
The employed person still has to pull their share. That's sad that all he does when comes home is play video games...
Girl, you need to find your cajones and get your self esteem back, pronto!
11With all due respect, I think DearSugar's advise is sorry to say...lame. This woman needs to move on ASAP. "Multiple conversation" are not going to help because this is already an "endless pattern". None of us are perfect, but (okay women esp.) need to know that you can "fix" people.
12honey, you are way too nice. your building resentment is a sign that you know it's not right what he's doing, yet for some reason you still deal with it?
he doesn't even contribute to the house and yet he says youre not folding the laundry and doing the dishes the right way?? come on. i think it shows he doesn't appreciate what you're doing. you're already doing all his chores FOR him, so why's he being so picky about it? he wants his socks rolled counter clockwise, then he should roll his own damn socks. don't jump through hoops just to make him happy if all he's going to do is complain.
i'm only saying this because you say he doesn't do any chores. this also needs to change, NOW. who cares how long he's worked? he lives there, he needs to take a part in keeping the place nice. he has his weekends free, you know.
13stop the wedding, get a job and move out.
14That last line 'how can I fix this' is all I needed to read to write my reply.
You dont get married to fix someone. If he isnt the man you want to be with forever now, what makes you think walking down an aisle will change that? It wont. And to the other girls saying 'just tell him how you feel' that wont work. You cant tell a control freak to control themselves. You also said his mother babied him, which means these issues probably will never go away.
I saw stop the wedding, get a job, move out, and take things slowly. He cant control you when yall live apart.
15"If this continues into the marriage?" Oh, no. He needs a full-time housekeeper, not a fiancee or wife. Get out before it becomes a monstrous legal issue to do so.
16Are you trying to justify your staying at home through doing all of the cooking and cleaning? I mean, my boyfriend is particular about some things (OCD) but he's not abusive about it.
Why don't you hire a maid (he IS earning a lot of money after all?) and try and get back into another job? Maybe part time?
Then he can boss around the maid, you're not a full time housewife and maybe it'll ease some tension.
If this sort of thing is happening now... can you imagine in 10 years time? I wouldn't want to be a kid growing up in that environment..
17Get a job!
and....have you consider him as the reason of your depression???
I don't get why you quit tho....that was your first stupid move right there! Give more power to the man! geez!
18Just putting it out there, but isn't this kind of controlling behavior a sign of a future abusive relationship?
19Leave. Now.
20Ack! Overly controlling people are hard to deal with, and rarely change. Try talking it out a bit more, ask him why doing the dishes in a certain order matters, as long as they're clean. I have to agree that it does sound like he is OCD, which could be the problem. If that is the case he has an irrational need for things to be done a certain way or it causes him anxiety. If its just those things, could you try slightly altering, I know its annoying, but wash the dishes when he isn't home to see your order or set out his socks for him to put up. If he was so messy in the first place I don't understand how he knows how he likes stuff cleaned.
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