Dear Sugar,
My teenage daughter plays sports and has since she was in grade school. Not long after she started, a woman that lives in our town asked to carpool. I was OK with it at first but over the last five years, it has evolved from carpooling to my family being completely responsible for her kids without any compensation. When asked at the beginning of a year or season if I wanted to carpool again, I've said no over and over, but before long, their kids are just jumping into our car! We live 15 miles from school so it's not like I can just leave them there alone.
School is getting ready to start in a month and I'm dreading it. The price of gas has skyrocketed and while I don't mind paying for my kid to do this stuff, I have a major problem with these kids freeloading off my family. How do I keep these girls from asking for a ride every day? They don't seem to understand "No." — Fed Up Felisha
To see DearSugar's answer read more.
Dear Fed Up Felisha,
It sounds like you have a hard time saying no, but Felisha, it's time to put your foot down. Unfortunately this woman is deficient in the manners department so I advise you to have an adult conversation with her before the school year starts. Everyone knows how expensive gas is so I'd just be very matter of fact. Tell her that you'd be more than happy to carpool, but only if she's willing to do her part. And if giving her kids a lift isn't problematic for you besides the lack of compensation, simply tell her that the only way you feel comfortable driving her children is if she pitches in financially.
I understand not wanting to be looked at as the strict mom, but you need to stand your ground. Though being the bigger person might be less confrontational than demanding what's fair, you're only doing yourself a disservice by not speaking up. The sooner you say no, the sooner you'll get what's rightfully deserved.
Designers Guild
HTC
DC
furthermore, if the kids poke their heads in after school asking for a lift, say "no sorry girls, we're in a rush today" and if they jump in anyway either stop the car and say it again firmly and ask them to get out, or say you can drive them as far as your house, but then their mom will have to come pick them up from there.
your daughter should also be playing a part in this. of course it's the mother who is ultimately at fault, obviously leading her kids to believe it's okay for them to get rides with you, but if your daughter knows the stress you're under, she can say to the other girls, "hey guys sorry but we can't take you home today."
finally, when you have this talk with the other mother, if you're not comfortable asking for cash, say to her that you're more than happy to pick up the girls half the time and expect she do her part the other half of the time...that way it saves you time and gas!
1You can't blame the kids for wanting a lift and I certainly don't think you should stop them from getting into your car or giving them a ride, but as soon as you drop them off go have a talk to their mother.
What is the point of carpooling if she doesn't do her part? Alternate days or arrange that you drop them off and she picks them up. I think that if she's not doing her bit you have a right to tell her to shove off.
2right on skigurl!
3I would, the next time the kids rush the car, turn around and say "did your mom give you the money for gas?" and if they say "no" than you say, well she must have forgot go back and ask her". They will have to go ask her, and when she asks you "i didnt know about the gas money" than you say "oh i thought i told you that i needed your share for driving your kids!" if she refuses, than say "i am sorry, but i cannot give your kids a ride" that simple....why are people such wimps nowadays?
4Great advice, skigurl.
It's harder because she puts the kids in the middle like that, but I think if you do what skigurl said and just tell them you really can't one day, she may realize she can't just shove them off on you.
5I would simply say to the other mother that times are tough (for everyone) and you need to conserve all the gas you can. Say that you are very busy this coming schoolyear and that it would be better for her to carpool with someone else as you will not have time to bring her kids. Don't even bother asking her to compensate for her share. She'll say she will and then try to take advantage of you in the long run by conveniently "forgetting" to pay you or something equally rude.
6Unfortunately, a lot of this is your fault for not putting your foot down. Instead of waiting for the conversation to come up you need to step up and tell her what you need in order for this so called arrangement to work. She is taking advantage of you because you are not stepping up. Tell her exactly what you need to make this work or tell her she needs to make other arrangements. If you take control of the situation she will no longer be able to take advantage of you. I do not think it is fair to put the kids in the middle, it sounds to me like the mother has probably told them that it is OK that they get in your car with you.
7send her an email that this year you will be having a different routine and personal commitments that will prevent you from carpooling "it's been fun though and we'll see ou around i'm sure". then use a different car to pick up your children; one that has only enough seats to take your kids. there won't be anything they can do or say then. even if you have to rent a small car for a week that's cheaper than the gas and frustration of having extra kids all year. hertz car rental has cars starting at $15 a day. if you can't do that and have a van you can remove seats ("we're helping a friend move") and it's the same effect.
8This isn't a carpool, this is a free taxi service. Absolutely put your foot down.
9Leave her kids there. What? Sometimes you have to be cruel to... get your gas money. After you've driven off give her a call on your cell to tell her that her kids are ready to be picked up when she wants to move her lazy freeloading ass.
10"send her an email that this year you will be having a different routine and personal commitments that will prevent you from carpooling "it's been fun though and we'll see ou around i'm sure". then use a different car to pick up your children; one that has only enough seats to take your kids. there won't be anything they can do or say then. even if you have to rent a small car for a week that's cheaper than the gas and frustration of having extra kids all year. hertz car rental has cars starting at $15 a day. if you can't do that and have a van you can remove seats ("we're helping a friend move") and it's the same effect."
what?? use a different car? helping a friend move? remove seats? why should she go through all that inconvenience? She shouldn't have to make anything up, her feelings are completley justified.
11ITA fleurfairy. I think a lot of people are trying to come up with elaborate excuses/reasons. I would just be straight with her. Tell her politely that because of the rising cost of gas and your increasingly busy schedule, you will be driving only your children to/from school. Tell her asap so she'll have time to find somebody else to carpool with (mooch off of). Also, she won't be able to guilt you into carpooling saying you didn't give her enough notice. This woman is taking advantage of you. You need to be direct with her, because she will simply ignore hints. Also, don't allow her children to get in your car. Skigurl has great suggestions about how to deal with this.
12Tell her that you can no longer take responsibility for her kids. Offer to help her find alternatives, like a school bus or public transit bus, or she could hire an older high school student to pick up her kids. I think it would be uncomfortable to ask for compensation so it would be easier to just stop altogether. It's your job to take care of your kids and it's her job to take care of hers.
13I agree to just list out the reasons. Being reasonable and giving good solid reasons will give her no way to argue with what you're saying. Logic, baby, logic.
14Just say NO and mean it this time.
If people can tell that you're a doormat, they will wipe their dirty shoes on you.
15Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.