Giving an ultimatum is supposed to be a last-ditch effort in trying to change a particular situation. Most of the time this approach is only used in the most desperate times. However, even as a last resort, ultimatums can be very problematic. Not only can they completely backfire on the person giving it, but they also put the receiver in a very defensive position.
Needless to say, sometimes they don't work out as planned. If you’ve ever given an ultimatum, how did it turn out? If you haven’t, would you? Or do you think it can cause more problems than it’s worth?
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A Do or a Don't: Ultimatums
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it does nothing but create more problems or tension in the relationship. communication is the key, not my way or the high way.
1and don't forget compromise.
2i've never given one, and hope to never have to.
3but in my mind, i don't believe there is ever a reason to have to.
you can't change a person who doesn't want to change
I think havok is right- you can't ever change someone for good- and in a relationship if it gets to this point I think it's better to move own- for your own sanity. Maybe with a friend if they were living an unusually distructive life all of a sudden I might try that with them hoping they would return to their "normal" behaviors. Not a bf though . . .boys don't change
4I dont really think it works with significant others when it comes to levels of commitment. Either they give in and you get what you want but you always wonder if they only gave in bc you pressured them and/or they resent you for not letting them make the choice themselves- OR you dont get what you want and you lose them simply bc you forced the issue.
I have given a couple of friends ultimatums in the past. One decided it was more important to not admit she lied about something than to continue to be my friend- I dont need a friend like that.
The other had a drug problem and I just couldnt handle it anymore. It took a few years but she got clean and got her life together and came to me and apologized for everything she did. I was the maid of honor in her wedding, she was a bridesmaid in mine and now we giggle about having babies at the same time so they can be friends.
5I happen to believe, that sooner or later, ultimatums ALWAYS turn up against the person who makes them, even if at that moment it doesn't seem that way.
6They never work....
7Yeahh, those don't work.
8The reason most of them backfire is because the person giving the ultimatum is usually bluffing and is not prepared to follow through, e.g. "If you don't stop drinking, I'm leaving you." He keeps drinking and she stays. If you issue an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to follow through.
9I agree with hayley, if you give one you should darn well be ready for the downside of your ultimatum. And i would only consider giving one if I was already ready to walk away. Sometimes compromise just doesn't cut it, especially when it comes to my respect. I've given an ultimatum one time... and I did walk away, but at least he knew what had to change and now has no one to blame but himself when I say I would never take him back.
10Ultimatum's really don't work. If you give someone an ultimatum, they're likely to choose the side you DON'T want them to, just because they're so insulted. I know I would, at least.
Relationships are all about compromise, after all.
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