Wendy- Defi remind your husband of your pre-wedding talk about you keeping your job- It was great you had that talk before hand and it's terrible of him to just change his mind and you need to have a serious (but civil) talk about it . . .tell him how working makes you feel and how you've worked hard to get to where you are at and that you hadn't planned on staying home and it's totally okay that being a house-wife is not for you. Hopefully he'll come around but most important is that you are strong and confident in what you want and remind him how this is an unexpected change. Best of luck to you!

What is a stay at home wife? I understand being a stay-at-home-mom because taking care of kids a job enough. But a wife? Isn't that just being unemployed? lol I would go nuts in the house all day!!

Stay-At-home-wife? Are you guys some yuppie New York couple with a social calendar and agenda that you MUST attend to? Luncheons and dinner parties to plan?

If you already had the talk before marriage he obviously (at least to me) thinks as your husband he can railroad you. This is not a new idea to him, it's not a 180, it was his plan all along. Sit him down and remind him YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER. What worked for his parents marriage may not work for you. He was with the plans you made before you said I do and changing mid-stream is not okay...

If you want to work, there's no reason you shouldn't. My husband and I have been married four years, and even though all his co-workers have wives who stay at home not working, I wouldn't change my life for anything.

Definitely remind of what you both talked about before marriage. Let him know that you love having his support no matter what options you choose throughout your marriage, but at this time you intend to keep working... As it is one of your goals.

A lot of women think they will love not working... But they find out that it is quite dull.

And I speak from experience.

this is gonna sound totally backwards...but....I WISH!!!! unfortch...momma needs to work too.

If you don't wanna quit your job...DON'T.

I admired those that take care of their family, is a very novel thing to do, but I think that if someone doesn't want to quit her job she shouldn't feel force to do so. And sometimes men want you to do that so they can feel control over you.

Oh hells no! I don't really know what he's like behind close doors when you two are happy AND pissed at each other, but if he's one of those types that loves have power then it's time to go. Listen, obliviously this guy is traditional, but I believe he wants something to hold over you head. Soon enough you can't do this because HE pays all the bills, you can't do that because He pays all the bills.

If you want to be a stay-at-home mom/wife, then find a job where you CAN be at home. If he has problems with that? Then, there will be more problems to follow on...

What a sneaky jerk, it was his wish all along.

Keep working, keep your money, 'cos being unemployed for however many years and trying to get back into the workforce SUCKS... IF the marriage doesn't work, it's way better for you to be able to take care of yourself financially than depend on him.

I could see if you hated your job and wanted to quit, then ok, maybe get a fun part-time job to keep you busy instead. But if you're aspiring towards a career... yeah, he's your husband, but a relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100!!! You have to be the best person you can be, be who you want to be, or you will not be a happy individual and how, then, can you be in a happy relationship? Especially if you end up blaming him for your unhappiness in not having a job and all that.

Oh man... such a touchy subject. I quit my first job a month into it because my then-boyfriend proposed and we moved out of state... if I could do it again, I'd have said HECK NO and let his dumbass move without me and went to college. Cos now that he's out of the picture I'm playing catch-up with those years of my life and it is entirely frustrating.

Those things aside, should your relationship be superawesomehappyfuntime (as it should be!), I keep hearing things about how women should be saving up more for retirement because they live longer than men. So there's your main motivation IMO!

Definitely talk to your husband about this. Express your concern. Be firm in your position.

Being a stay-at-home-wife is not bad, but if you don't want to do it, you shouldn't.

Ask him to quit his job, see how he feels. What? only women should?
Keep your job.

I could see his concern if you had children, but I just don't understand why he would want you to stay home before that?? You definately shouldn't do something you don't want to do, otherwise you will be miserable and your marriage will suffer. I would talk to him, remind him of your pre-wedding agreement and you could also point out that your added income will enable you to put more savings aside for the time when you have kids and you become a stay at home mom (if that is what you want to do). You know, many people tend to replicate their parents' marriage without even knowing it. I am sure somewhere in his subconcious mind he equates "wife" with staying at home and "taking care of the house". My husband had some weird ideas in his head that I would suddenly "morph" into someone else once I got the wedding ring on my finger...didn't happen and he realized that it was his own preconcieved notions that were causing our arguments over it, not anything to do with me. Try talking it out, I am sure you can resolve it!

Why the hell would anyone want to work that didnt have to

Currently, I am a stay at home wife not by choice. I recently moved to be with my fiancee (now husband) but my work papers and residency papers haven't been fully processed, so I'm stuck at home, I can't legally get a SSN# and I'm losing my mind.

If you have kids, stay at home mom is all right. Stay at home wife... if you're not comfortable with it, you shouldn't have to, especially if you have a job and especially if you have the choice.

Ha!!!!

He trapped you...just like a groupie at a Dallas Cowboys after-party with faulty condoms.

Is it possible to compromise by working part time. I understand that he grew up in a certain atmosphere but it's a different world now. If he knew what it will cost for your kid(s) to go to college by the time they get there he'd probably change his tune. I'm not sure what your job/career is but I would highly suggest keeping up your professional skills because if you drop out of the workforce for the next 15 years and then decide go back you may find it really hard to break back into your field.

My FI and I have been together for about 4 years and I have witnessed a different generation with his parents. Even though his mom worked part time she catered to his father to the point that a couple times as a last minute thing we have said we'll take her out for lunch/dinner etc and she turns us down because his father won't know what to do about the meal that she's not there to cook for him and she doesn't have time to prepare him something so we have to ask days in advance. I have told my FI - 'no way' is that going to be us. I understand it's a different generation but I make it clear to him that we split household responsibilities right down the middle.

I like Rock and Republic's answer, tell him the same thing he told you. See how he feels, and if he has a problem with it, well pull the sexist card on him, b/c that is exactly what he is doing.

Even if you had children why can't he be the one to stay at home!?

So the problem here isn't that he wants you to stay at home so much, its the fact that he obviously feels like he can get you to do whatever he wants all of a sudden b/c your married and that he lied about what he wanted before you got married (yeah like others said, it wasn't a 180 for him, he was thinking this all along!!!!). So obviously you can keep working and doing whatever you want, he can't force you to do anything you don't want to...but how to handle the problem of him wanting to control you now...thats really hard. I guess I would talk to him about how his actions make you feel first (use rock and republics line, lol) and if that doesn't put him back in his rightful place (which is beside you, not in front of you!!!!), then maybe counseling would help to get him to listen and realize what he is doing is wrong.

Do you know how much school i went through JUST so i can be a candidate for the work I do?!!??

I busted my A*S to keep a 4.0 GPA in college, and almost had to sell my soul to get in where i can, and THIS muthaf*cka gonna ask you to quit your job because HIS mom stayed at home?!

j2e1n9 asked why would a person work if they don't have to.

okay, if i worked in a sh*tty cubicle at a company that didn't let me have my snacks at my desk, and I was unfulfilled....then yes, I wouldn't want to work. I would take the opportunity to pursue things that I wanted to do, while hubby earned the big money though.

But when you have a CAREER, you feel differently.

Customer Service girl who isn't even invited to the company meetings? JOB

Junior Product Development girl who gets the good stapler? CAREER

Ha, just say no!
You don't even have kids to take care of yet, why would you quit your job now? And even then, it's up to you if you want to be a stay-home mom!
He has no right to ask you to that, specially since you discussed the subject before getting married!

Wow - lots of harsh comments on here. However, it's unfair that he's now asking you to be something that you don't want to be after the fact and never discussed before. REALLY unfair.

not unfair, Krradford. it's manipulative.

i wonder what else you guys talked about but he'll change his mind on later???

This sounds really weird to me. Were you firm in the talk? Did you say you "thought" "maybe" you'd like to keep working but weren't sure? Or did he literally pull a total 180 (as you said) and is now trying to pressure you into changing your mind?

This sounds worse than a disagreement. This sounds like he is trying to really control you, and that is the first step towards abuse.

Go to couples therapy - do not pass go, do not collect $200, GO TO TALK TO A THERAPIST. Even if you don't want him to come with you yet, or if he refuses, YOU need to talk to a therapist to learn how to talk to him about this, and to help you figure out how to be assertive and how to know when it might be time to cut your losses and get a divorce. I hope that's not what happens, and I'm sorry to give you scary advice, but TRUST ME, I've seen this happen with a friend. It was BAAAADDDD.

If you did actually make your intentions really clear before you were married and now he's disrespecting what you want to do in your life, and is expecting you to rebuild your identity as His Wife, this is not a healthy relationship for you to be in. You need to be married to someone who loves you for who you are, who you hope to become as your lives move forward, and if he's not going to be that for you, you need to let go and move on.

Gosh, I literally cannot imagine my husband saying something like that. Not that there is anything wrong with not working, but because we have a shared idea of what married life should be like (for us)that entails both of us working. It makes me wonder if you weren't together long before you got married, because surely you could have intuited his feelings about this issue. Anyway, that doesn't really matter now. You need to talk to him about this ASAP, and you need to keep working if that is what you want to do. If you can't resolve this amicably, see a therapist.

vsugar made a good point --- even if he won't go with you to a therapist, you should go alone to get some insight from a professional

It's hard depending on someone else for money. Call me prideful but i haven't ever asked to borrow money, it was difficult having to get $20 from my mom. The thought of going back hurts.

Unfortunately he has an old-fashioned mindset. It wouldn't be smart for you to quit your job for him, god forbid the marriage goes sour (esp. since you two clearly have different ways of thinking). Then you'd be left without work. Just remind him that you had agreed before the wedding that you were going to continue working, end of discussion. If he still has a problem with it, go to counseling and see if you can iron things out. Besides, extra income never hurt ANYBODY (if he tries to say again that he makes enough money for the both of you).

Quit your job = Govt. Cheese when he leaves you

...for a woman who is DRIVEN and intelligent, and has a CAREER!

Irony and Govt. Cheese should be synonymous.

Geez.

How big is this 'house?' A mansion? Does he expect u to be like 'the lady who lunches' type of woman? How come you don't even notice this at all b4 getting married? I know my fiancee is the traditional type 'n he already told me he wished I'd be a stay-at-home mommy WAY before we get married, and I say 'SORRY, honey, no can do." And he UNDERSTANDS.

Just say NO, sorry. Don't be stupid here. Make a stand.
Tell him, honey, I love u but I want to keep working.

Then hire a reliable housemaid and cook and personal assistant, etc (if he's this rich and the house you guys have is a mansion, surely he can afford it, eh?).

Always KEEP your pink slips. There's nothing more orgasmic for me than reading my name next to 'Pay to the order of..." And there's always my next fave thing: scrutinizing my pay stub...

why is this considered an insult? he's a bad guy because he changed his mind? if you just tell him that you appreciate the offer but want to work for now and save for retirement, travel, a home, that should be enough of a comment. unless he's a bully who won't take your word for it thatyou like working there is no issue.

as for what a stay at home wife does, all the things a working wife does but with more time to enjoy it. sounds good to me but to each his own.

i don't think it's necessary to put down someone elses choice. as women we should be supportive of whatever each of us picks for our family. married, single, parent, employed, stay at home, whatever. women have options and we shouldn't feel guilty about them.

Manipulative, unfair,sneaky,either way Asia, my point is he's in the wrong on this one.

Wow, he is extremely old-fashioned in his thinking. I am not sure how stubborn he is regarding you staying at home, but if he makes it seem like you need to, as opposed to simply offering since he makes enough money, that is a red flag. Actually, it is a red flag that he pulled a 180 on you after getting married - yes people can change their minds but when you are husband and wife, on the same team, and ready to be there for each other, you can't agree to huge life choices before the marriage and then change your mind after the marriage and expect the other to just comply with no complaints!

Talk to him and tell him you want to focus on your career and both of you can pitch in to "run the house." If this doesn't work, get counseling in the picture. If he doesn't budge or tries to control other areas of your life, you may face a bigger problem. Good luck.

I think that you need to open up the lines of communication more here. Ask him why he suddenly thinks this when before he was fine with you working. Tell him once again that you want to continue working and ask him why he has changed his mind on this issue. I don't think that you should react with anger, because some women would be happy that their hubby is ok with this idea. To other posters who have said that this is manipulative, I am not sure that is. Maybe he justs wants to feel that he is taking care of you, as a good husband should. Obviously he has some traditional ideas about marriage that he has never communicated to you before, which is unfortunate. But the only way you can change this situation or gain some insight into why his ideas have changed is by talking, talking and talking with him. If it were me, I would at least be happy to think that he makes enough money and is comfortable with you being able to stay home for awhile when you have babies.

interesting. There could be 2 things going on here:

He might be very old fashioned and feels like he's less of a man if his wife has to work, since he is supposed to provide for her and give her everything she needs. Since you don't HAVE to work (according to him) maybe he's afraid of appearances. This is just sad cus really, who cares what his friends or mother or whomever think?

He's a jerk and is trying to control you, now that he has you.

TALK. lots.

Well,your husband must wake up and realize it's 2008.
I think you should keep your job.
Women should be financially independent.And i guess your husband wants to find a way to control you.

You should so keep your job. I'm come on say you go out and you want to buy a beautiful new pair of heels, then he could be well he's the one making money and paying bills so he decides where the money is spent. Sure my mother did it but that's because she prefers to stay at home. Most women like to explore the world outside their home.

"Most women like to explore the world outside their home." Lol, definitely an understatement.

No matter how much money your husband makes, at the end of the day, it's money HE made. And I don't care how much money he makes, unless he's Bill Gates you can always use more money. You can save the extra for retirement, for your future kids' college funds, in case he loses his job, in case there is a major illness in the family, in case some investments go bad, the list is endless. Everyone could always use more money! This is, obviously assuming that you like your job.

Also, 50% of marriages end in divorce, and it's possible for spouses to pass away. Wouldn't you rather have kept working on your career, and making your own money than staying at home, arranging flowers? Hey, it's not a happy thought, but be realistic!

One thing that really worried me about this question, is that even if the wife does go out and work, every time the breakfast dishes are still in the sink when they come home, or when they forget to send flowers to his boss' wife for having a baby, the wife is going to be blamed. Clearly, the husband doesn't think about work at home as being his responsibility at ALL, so I wouldn't be surprised if the wife is going to be expected to do BOTH if she chooses to keep her job. I just get the feeling that even if he "allows" her to keep her job, he's going to be pissed if dinner isn't on the table by 7 every night, ("see I told you you couldn't do both!"). So, if the asker keeps her job, she needs to make it clear that she can't do 100% of the housework, and either the husband will need to pitch in, or she'll have to hire a house cleaner, etc.

I thought exactly what j2e1n9 did. I would be thanking the Gods.

Depending on the situation I would jump for joy. If we could afford for me to stay home, there are so many things I would love to do with that time. Things I can't do right now juggling a job and running a household. I would love to devote more time to my community service.