Depends. I mean if I ASKED my SO flat-out to tell me then I would want the truth. The only time I agree with the above is if and ONLY if the cheater truly feels repentant and truly LOVES the person they are with and wants to commit fully and completely. If so, and your SO is blissfully unaware, why would you want to tell them? I dont understand how in that instance, honesty is best. If you are going to tell them, be prepared to lose them for good and destroy their ability to trust. I think confessing only makes sense when you have endangered them with a potential STD or if they flat-out ask you.

Lying, and then having to cover up one's lies, only breeds more lies. I'm with you, DearSugar--I also disagree with this article. I'm sure there are exceptions, but in general honesty is the best policy.

Anyway, not cheating in the first place is a pretty good way to make sure one never gets stuck in this situation.

I see exactly what she is saying and have been told that by an ex. While being dishonest is never the way to go. Telling the person only relieves your guilt. Sure it makes you feel better about a terrible act but the pain, doubt, fear and everything else it causes the other can take a long time to get over. I'm not sure there is an answer that can apply to what one should or should not do. Personally I would rather know just because I would then make up my mind to stay with the person or not.

I have been the cheater and been cheated on. They both suck. Then there is the, "was it just sex or is it more?" I believe that if a person can cheat then there are things wrong in the relationship. Something is not being talked about, understood, both parties are not on the same page or the person doing the cheating just doesn't care. If a person doesn't think they can be faithful they shouldn't get into a monogamous relationship. There are plenty of healthy couples out there that swing for this reason.

Everyone is human and makes mistakes, but cheating is a conscious decision and alcohol, drugs, you were out of town, whatever it may be is nothing but an excuse for doing something you wanted to do at the time, regardless of the regret you may feel during or immediately after.

Telling a person because they are going to find out any way says you wouldn't have told otherwise, which is deceitful! I feel a person should tell and accept whatever comes. However to draw from an article I read on here earlier, if you stay with the person that cheated on you, you are forgiving them and you cannot continue to hold it over them. You either accept it and move on or you do not accept it and move on.

I agree with Kirshenbaum.

There's a difference between lying and full disclosure. She's not advocating lying. She's saying do not practice full disclosure, except for the noted exceptions.

In my opinion, not all truths should be told. Honesty is NOT always the best policy. Some truths are destructive, and no good would come out of it. In instances like that, I think a person should keep certain information to himself or herself.

For instance, personally, I would never tell a person I think she's ugly. Yes, it's the truth, and I'm being honest, but I'm also being destructive and hurtful. That negative outcome prevails over being honest. I should keep that information to my damn self, not disclose it. I know this example do not relate to infidelity. I'm using it to illustrate that honesty is not always the best policy. The outcome should be weighed, too.

I completely agree with the article, if you cheat and your significant other doesnt know, and you ended it and are staying with them DO NOT TELL THEM. Its your guilt you should live with it, telling them only puts it on thier shoulders not yours anymore. I speak from experiance.

I cheated on my boyfriend 12 years ago (I have pretty severe attenuating circumstances...), and I made the horrible mistake to tell him. What did it accomplish exactly, except for breaking his heart? Did I feel any less guilty? Did it erase what had happened? No, and no. He was just devastated and it had no use whatsoever. I probably damaged his ability to trust, and I imagine I also ruined his memory of an otherwise beautiful first love story.

I still regret it to this day - not so many things I'd do over, but I would definitely go back to redo that one. (The cheating part, of course, but especially the telling him part.)

If my boyfriend ever "safely" cheated on me, and I was completely unaware, I would NEVER want to know. People make mistakes, sometimes horrible ones - it doesn't mean they don't regret it, and it doesn't mean others should suffer from it. I agree with Kirschenbaum. Truth can be more vicious and destructive than a lie.

I see that way of thinking but you're living a lie. Your spouse thinks things are all perfect in happyland and thats not the case. Regardless of it were one time and you regret it. Unfortunately that doesn't justify it. I don't regret cheating on the two girls I cheated on as I have learned from it. And I don't hold it against the girls that cheated on me, one of whom I was engaged to. I remember the good times we had and laugh off the others. Do I feel bad for causing them pain yes. But it happened and you have to pick yourself up and move on. I think it should be their decision whether to keep you in their life. When a person cheats they need to know everything they are risking. I knew there was a chance I would lose them both times I cheated and I was willing to risk that.

It hurts for a time yes, but if you believe there is better out there and know you it will come into your life I don't find trusting to be that hard. Not to mention it does make you a stronger person. Sure it can be circumstantial. Personally I think you are doing them an injustice by not letting them know.

I have to admit I kind of agree with the article.

So weird, I'm going through this right now. Over the weekend I had a few too many. A girlfriend and I were talking quietly about something and my BF walked by and heard "I feel so bad doing that behind his back".........Horrible. So anyway it lead to me telling him that I once messed around (kissed) someone 8 YEARS AGO. It never went any further than that. Well apparently he dreamed up that I slept with him. Needless to say......things are not great right now.

The worst part about it is, I've forgiven him before for actually sleeping with someone else. And he is convinced I slept with this person when I DID NOT. But how do you go about proving this to somone? I have dedicated every waking moment after that time being as perfect of a girlfriend as possible. But I dont know if it's going to mean anything in the end.

DON'T TEll.

I agree with the article. Also, I wouldn't want to be told if my husband cheated on me.

I agree that if you don't need to tell for a specific reason, it will only hurt the other person and will not fix or undo it.

But also, I believe above all that if you feel you need to cheat then you're with the wrong person, and cheating isn't gonna fix that because it won't change anything except it will hurt your partner if he/she ever finds out.

If you do cheat, break up right afterwards and pray that your poor ex partner never finds out. That's a bullet that his/her self-steem doesn't need to take just because you weren't able to control yourself.

Unfortunately you can only prove this through actions. Nothing you can say will make a difference. If he cares strongly enough for you and believes in the relationship he will forgive and move on. If he doesn't he will hold it over you until he decides to end things or you do.

The more I think about it, the more strongly I feel that there is a need to tell the person regardless of the situation. Ultimately you and not your spouse slept with someone else, or made out with someone else or is seeing someone else. And that is messing with their life and their feelings about you. They think you are this amazing person and do all of these things for them. And you may still be an amazing person but not to the same extent, at least in their eyes. It should be completely up to them to decide if they still feel that way. By not telling them, you are making the decision for them and that is not fair. If they really love you and you really love them they will accept the apology. And if they don't, tough luck, hope you enjoyed the night.

I opted for what blackwood says to break up immediately because I knew I wasn't with the right person and didn't want to hurt them even more than the break up was going to. While it is still deceitful it saves them some pain. But I'm still for the honesty. Honesty sometimes hurts but you can't argue with it.

I agree fully with the article. I don't want to know if my boyfriend cheats and I don't tell him when/if I do. We love each other, but I'm on the whole idea that people are human and I don't really believe in being with just one person forever. I used to believe in complete monogamy, but not at this point in my life.

Greentea, I think if both people in a relationship have that understanding it makes sense not to, you each do your own thing, you're relatively happy, cool. But if you know your partner does not share that belief and believes in monogamy then I still feel it must be shared with them.

Sex with protection is not completely safe. There is still a risk involved and you cannot make that decision for your partner.

Telling the truth with not make things better. If you cheat, you are already a liar and nothing you do will negate this fact.

If you are tempted to cheat, I suggest you respectfully exit your relationship. Anyone who thinks they can cheat and still maintain the sanctity of the primary relationship is narcissistic and delusional, unless this is an arrangement agreed to from the beginning.

I agree with the article. If you cheat...its a slip ..one time deal. That's it..not an on going affair. I would not say anything. It just makes you feel better about relieve your guilt but makes the other person feel horrible. If it happened once and never will or hasn't happened again...I'd leave it. Ongoing infediatlies or affairs...I am undecided on.

Wow. I am amazed at how many people agree with this article. Ummmm....if you cheat, then you probably shouldn't be in a committed realtionship in the first place. Obviously, your own wants and needs are coming before the other person's. Don't get me wrong, I have cheated on boyfriends in the past, and all of those relationships ended for one reason or another. Looking back, I know that I cheated because I was not truly committed. Of course you should tell the other person. Lying and with-holding information are the same thing IMO.

i agree with the article. however - if you are asked by your SO if you have, you better damn well be honest. omitting and lying to a person's face are two very different things.

I don't think everyone have to believe in monogamy, but no one has the right to force polygamy on someone else who is monogamous - this to me is what cheating means and what makes it so heinous. (Obviously, if everyone you sleep with is consenting to the whole multiple partners thing, it's not called cheating.)

I'm of the mind that the truth always comes out somehow. That's the very nature of lies - they're like soap bubbles, some last longer than others but eventually they all burst. Choosing not to tell someone DOES NOT MEAN they'll NEVER find out. It just means when they inevitably find out, it wouldn't be from you.

So the big question when you're trying to decide whether to hold something back is NOT "Do I or do I not want my SO to find out?"

The REAL question is "Do I want my SO to find out from me or from some other source?"

I don't know the answer, that would vary according to your situation. I just have a problem with the way the article seems to (stupidly) suggest that it's possible to hide something forever. What in the hell is "if it's imminent that the other person will find out"? As if you always can tell exactly when one of those lie bubbles is about to burst. Pul-leeease. It's ALWAYS imminent. Somebody else who have seen something can suddenly decide to tell without letting you know. The truth can come out in a number of other ways with no signs and no warnings.

I don't completely agree with the article. Yes, humans are entitled to make mistakes but not to the same person. You cheated, break up/divorce and move on. However, I think the only exception to this is those who are married and with kids. They need to work things out and they need to fix the problems because that is what marriage is all about - working it out.

So if you cheat in a marriage, and you dont have kids. you should divorce?

Telling the person you cheated is not about how you are making them feel. Its about respecting the other person enough to give them the right to make an INFORMED decision about you with all the facts. You do not get to make that decision for them and by lying that is really what you are doing.

I agree with looseseal, if you lie and don't tell you S.O. you cheated, you are forcing them to live the way you want to and they can't even help it!

Very well said, murinea!

First off, Andrea Sachs? As in, The Devil Wears Prada? That was her name, right?

I get where she's coming from. Like if it's a stupid one-night thing that is meaningless, there's no sense ruining a relationship over it if you know it will never happen again. I mean if it's a recurring affair or there was emotional attachment involved, I think you should tell because that's something that can actually affect a relationship. If I had one too many cocktails at a party and made out with someone whose name I didn't know one night, I probably wouldn't tell, just because as long as I didn't feel an emotional connection there then it really doesn't need to concern him.

Whoah! Itsme any infidelity is meaningful unless you and your spouse have said kissing someone is not something to be frowned upon. I would tell my gf to hit the road if she made out with another guy or girl for that matter. Whether we were together 6 weeks or 6 years. If it's a "stupid one night" thing the relationship you were in must not be that serious.

I don't think I would ever cheat but I definitely don't know what I would do if I did. I couldn't tell my husband if I did because he'd never get over it. He still can't get over little things like when I yell at him for not taking out the trash or things on that caliber. Then again, it's the only way I'd be able to deal with it. I'd want him to decide if he wanted to be with me after I cheated, it's not up to me anymore.

I agree with you DearSugar, lying is never an acceptable option. also what if your partner catches some disease from the person they cheated with and brings it home to you? (I haven't read all of the responses so I don't know if anyone has mentioned this already).

i have to stick with honesty. because sometimes not saying anything can make it worse i think. until you've been in a situation, you can't say what exactly you would do. for dh and i we chose to forgive, and now the previous situation no longer exists. and because of our honesty, our relationship is more honest, which makes it 10xs better. you live and learn by your mistakes.

Well it happened to me. Last year I found out that my hubby was seeing some girl who lived out of town. I didn't know her, and have never met her. I was totally devestated. He didnt confess to me. I found out by accident. I found out last year in April. Our 28 yr anniv was coming in June. I could not believe it. But it was true. When I confronted him, ( It took me three times asking him) before he finally admitted that he had been seeing someone for, well he said 2 months. But in actuality looking at his cell ph records it started in Jan. so it ws four month. He did stay with this person for a weekend in Feb and one weekend in March. He told me he was going on a harley run with his friends. Well I belived him I have always trusted him with my life. There were no clues, nothing at all. He would not tell me anything about it, I found out most of it from the other girl. Which really hurt me that I had to get my answers from the "other woman" which by the way was 17 years younger than him He was hitting 59, she was 42. I still have a very hard time with it. Some of the things she told me I know were not true, how ever most of it I did belive her. I chose to keep my marriage, but sometimes I feel like, he has wasted my time with him. He says he loves me, but sometimes I don't feel it. But I tell you this is what I think about the question. No lies! If you know that this has happend to you, yes get the confession. No secrets. No secrets in a marriage. I told me husband if he wanted to stay with our marriage, no secrets! If he is having a problem with me, or if either of us feel that our marraige is lacking anything at all, we both have agreed to talk about it. So far so good, its been over a year. I still think about him sharing his body and his kisses with someone else. It makes me so sad and hurt. It will never go away. but the feeling will lessen with time. I guess what hurt the most is the fact that if he felt that he was loosing that special something with me, then he should have talked to me about it, or divorce me. Cheating is absolutley the worst thing a spouse could do.

If a guy cheated on me, he better fess up, because I have the right to dump his sorry ass!

I think all people should have the right to make a informed decision to stay in their relationship at any point. If you chose to reconsider your relationship right now you should know all factors.
If I were considering dating a guy and he had cheated in the past then that would factor into my decision. You should most definitely have that information when you are in a relationship.

Also, only telling b/c you might have an STD? If you cheat you will always have the chance of having an STD. Condoms are not 100% fail proof!

Murinea said it best!

Beep* your story is so sad and unfortunate but I think anyone who has ever been cheated on can relate. I feel if you cheat--whether it be flirting or a physical act, you owe it to your significant other or spouse to be honest about it and tell them. How can anyone live with the guilt? It makes me question the integrity and fortitude of someone who cannot be honest with someone they love and claim to care about. I side with getting all the facts--no matter how it hurts, at least you know, and can make a more or less informed decision about whether to cut your losses and move on or move forward and try to rebuild that trust. sometime we have to work past our own humanity and let it go.

I think it depends. I made a mistake which did not lead to more than kissing with a good friend back when in a LDR and I probably would never have told if I did not think he was going to propose, and I wanted him to know before actually asking me to marry him.
Well turns out he gave me another chance and I was able to build his trust again and we DID get married.
Had I not told, our relationship probably would have crashed and burned because the guilt litterally was eating me alive. And I had a hard time acting normal around him anymore because of it.

If you don't tell, you're still a liar and a coward.

There is no room in a relationship for lies. Not even one. Most lies get found out eventually. If it's been kept a secret for a long time when it gets discovered, that's only worse because the person lied to feels like a complete fool.

Marriage and cheating don't mix, ever. Marriage, cheating and lying about it ? Forget it.

I actually agree with this counselor. Infidelity in itself is punishment enough for having done something to endanger your relationship. Instead of relieving your guilt you should think twice about pushing the punishment over to your partner.

What???? I personally think that that is terrible advice!!! Cheating is bad enough, but then lying about it on top of it is just like a double punch to the ovaries. Or heart, I guess. That is horrible, I think you should own up to it and be a (wo)man...you have to deal with it because you did it!!

Thank you citizenkane and kikidawn...I have thought about this topic a LOT, lol.

I would have to agree with the article. What if u slept with a mutual friend of u and ur partner, and he ended up telling EVERYONE, and ur partner found out from his best friend. Not only that, u actually shared an intimate secrect that u and ur parter know and the so called mutual friend told that to everyone too..and ur partner is deeply hurt. But dispite what everyone says u deny it and deny it...and apologize for sharing that secret and know deep in ur heart u never intended to hurt that person at all and would never dream of hurting them ever again