Sorry darling, but you really are in the wrong here. You can't keep faulting him for something he did so long ago. He should have to keep apologizing or defending himself, or having to prove his worth to you. You either forgive him and let it go, or let him go! At two months and even at 4 months, no it really isn't that big of a deal. While it may hurt, people (especially boys!) are foolish and do stupid things. But everyone makes mistakes and he probably does feel really badly about it, but damn, let it go already! You certainly shouldn't be telling he still needs to do something to make it up to you. For 1, that ship has long sailed, and 2, it just sounds like an excuse to continue to be mad at him and to get him to gravel. You decided to stay with him so hun, as much as it may hurt, grow up and let it go. Otherwise you'll end up losing him to a girl that he doesn't have to go through so much drama with! He's been with you this long so start being more secure. And if you can't, then it's time to move on and stop wasting both of your times.

Leave him, trust me I speak from experience... I just wish I could take my own advice sometimes, but its complicated right...ha.

You obviously think you deserve better and you want better...so be brave enough to go out there and find it, b/c I promise you it does exist. And as long as you don't think he is worthy of you...he won't be and nothing will change that.

I agree with Muirnea, leave him. And your boyfriend sounds like he's making you his 2nd choice, like if it didn't work out with the other girl then he comes back to you. You don't need that. You deserve better and you don't need that stress.

I'm sorry Berlin, but at what point did cheating become okay at any stage in a relationship? If you've made a commitment to someone I wholeheartedly believe you must honour that commitment - whether "the talk" has happened or not.

We'll give this guy the benefit of the doubt for a second... Perhaps he wasn't certain that they were "together". I still DO NOT condone cheating at that stage. Girls!!! Are we not worth enough to be with someone so enamored with us that we are the only girl our guys think about during the preliminary stages of a relationship? When did it become okay to settle?

OP, you owe it to yourself to find a guy who will love you so much it hurts.

On the subject of crappy men, a poem from the one and only Dorothy Parker:

Men
They hail you as their morning star
Because you are the way you are.
If you return the sentiment,
They'll try to make you different;
And once they have you, safe and sound,
They want to change you all around.
Your moods and ways they put a curse on;
They'd make of you another person.
They cannot let you go your gait;
They influence and educate.
They'd alter all that they admired.
They make me sick, they make me tired.

lildortothyparker, you say this: "If you've made a commitment to someone I wholeheartedly believe you must honour that commitment - whether "the talk" has happened or not."

But I don't understand how a commitment can happen if "the talk" has not happened. The talk is what establishes the commitment. You seem to be implying that people should only date one person at a time, even if it's casual, and I think that no one should be bound by that. A commitment happens when its mutually agreed upon and discussed, not before. You seem to be wanting guys to think like most women, and most of them simply do not.

As to the person with the original question, she needs to either let go or to take her lingering problems with it as a sign that she need to move on from this guy.

I don't think you're meant to be together from what you say.
He seems too arrogant to admit that, even if he didn't feel he was cheating (why didn't he mention it though?), he does owe you an apology for hurting you, if not for the first time, then for the second (he left you to sleep with somebody else, and once he fulfilled his craving he came back you... really, that's what it sounds like!)
On the other hand... you keep asking him to make it up to you? I'm sorry, I understand your pain, but seriously... WTF?? How is he ever going to do that? By letting you cheat with another man? I don't understand. I do think that this need of yours of having him making it up to you derives from the fact that he never owned up to the fact that he hurt you and should have apologised, he got defensive and washed his hands out of the whole issue.
Furthermore... why do you still want to be with him?
He's not a man willing to accept that he makes mistakes, and you are not a woman willing to accept that other make mistakes, and therefore, not willing to let those mistakes go.
I don't want to be mean, but I can't think of 2 people less compatible to be stuck in a relationship together.
perhaps you could find someone who shares your view about cheating and let go oherself f your current boyfriend, and he could find a girl who perhaps has the same relationship philosophy he has and doesn't mind him hooking up or leaving to hook up with other girls while she entertains with other men.
Good luck.

you either need to forgive him & let it go or move on without him. it's not fair that he cheated on you, but it's also not fair that you keep bringing it up years later.

What's important is that YOU believe that what he did falls within the bounds of cheating, and you can't get over it. On top of that, after it was definite that you were together, he left you for another girl. I would never stay with someone that wasn't POSITIVE that I was the person they wanted to be with, and I don't recommend any one else try it either.

If you didn't discuss exclusivity during the time he was with the first girl, then you you can't truly define it as cheating. As for the break up, well, it was a break up even if it wasn't a mutual decision. However, I must ask. Why would you get back with a guy who broke up with you for another girl? You're wasting your time on a man who could easily leave you again for someone else he's more interested in. And, when that happens and doesn't work out again, he comes running back to his "fallback" girl. You. Do not allow yourself to be treated this way. Twice, he has shown you that you were second choice. You deserve a guy who sees you solely as the apple of his eye.

It's been 2 years...time to let it go.

what a dog.

Move on, you deserve something good.

If this was a real bother, you would have [and probably should have] let him go two years ago. First time around, he wasn't sure if it was official. The second time, he had no excuse. But you took him back each time he went for some other chick. So you either have to get over it, or listen to your negative thoughts and leave him be.

The first instance could be counted as cheating... As you had assumed that you were in a relationship. And because you found out through a mutual friend, and not him, about the other girl.

The second instance is not cheating. He broke up to pursue another relationship. He owes you nothing in either case though.

However, the fact that it bothers you so much, even years down the line, suggests that you have a trust issue with him. And that simple fact is why you should not be with him.

You need to move on and find someone you can trust. I'm not saying this isn't now someone you can't trust... He's probably a good guy. But you still have a fear, and there's likely nothing he can do to erase it.

Everyone's definition of cheating is different. However, that's beside the point. The only way a relationship can truly move forward after a significant other "cheating" is to forgive and forget. If this occurred years ago, you absolutely have not forgiven and forgotten. You need to either move on from what occurred years ago, at the beginning of your relationship, or you need to move on from this relationship, period! It is not fair to your boyfriend to have these mistakes thrown in his face every chance you get. I'm sure you get mad at him for not taking out the trash, and you end up bringing it up, don't you?

I'm surprised at how many people are writing in defending the guy. You should have broken up with this loser FOR GOOD ages ago.

Why did you even take him back if this has bothered you for so long? You ask him to make it up to you? After two years? Did you try doing this before you took him back?!

Were you two exclusive when he cheated on you the first time after two months? If not, then he didn't cheat on you. I'm sorry to say but if there was no official exclusivity mentioned (yes, i mean discussed) then he did nothing in the wrong. At all.

The second time, he told you that he had feelings for someone else. It was only after you two had broken up that he had sex, oh wait, i mean "hooked up" (grow up - if it was sex just say that) with this other girl. Sounds like he didn't really cheat then either.

And it doesn't even matter because you accepted him back into your life!

Two girls within the first half of the year when you've "started a relationship" is a big red flag there. I don't think any women can forgive a man who has ever "cheated" whether or not it was real cheating or some obscure technicality. I think the best way to deal with this is to dump the loser. He had TWO flings; it's bad enough to deal with one but TWO?! You deserve a guy who is head over heels with you and one who will only wait for you and not jump into bed with another girl.

Everyone's definition of cheating is definitely different.

Ok, so he has a different view of what cheating really is but in ur heart you view it as a betrayal..your first sentence says it all,

"My boyfriend of three years has cheated twice during the time we've been together."

If it hurts you that he is doing these kind of things, that is enough reason to leave, you do not need to sit here and figure out the correct term for what it may have been, your feelings alone should be enough..also, what makes u think he wont do things in the future that he wouldnt take as cheating but u will?

First of all I agree with tidalwave that his behavious is not necessarily cheating. For the first one it sounds like you did not discuss commitment yet and the second instance he told you, broke up with you and only afterwards did the other girl.

You were the one who took him back and asking TWO YEARS later that he should make it up to you is incredibly childish. If you are unhappy with him say it out loud and face the consequence of a possible breakup - don't hide behind "I do not like what he did last summer ..."

You're not wrong to be upset by the cheating and no one deserves to be lied to and cheated on. However, we teach men how to treat us through our actions. Unfortunately you took him back which let him know that it was ok that he cheated the first time. It doesn't seem like he's going to stop completely. Save yourself the heartache and tears and find someone who respects and honors you. Good luck.

Dump him! This guy sounds like a complete scumbag! I wouldn't be shocked at all if he were the type who was still cheating behind your back. He's probably just gotten better at hiding it.

You deserve better! You should ever have to be his back-up option, which is what seemed to have happened in both cases.

I don't understand this whole "the talk" thing. When my husband and i first got together we never have a "talk" it was just understood that we were together and would not be with anyone else. I don't think if you are dating you have to say "Hey, don't cheat on me" it should just be known. But thats just me and we have been together 14 years and no cheating. I never realized i had to tell him not to cheat on me.

I wouldnt be suprised if he was still cheating, just hiding it better. He learned from his "mistakes" at the beginning of the relationship... the mistake that he got caught, not that he banged another chick.

Dump this loser. You're not over now, you'll never be and he obviously has no remorse whatsoever. What a waste of two years.

Dump him! Trust me, my ex did this. Broke up with me to be with someone else and then I LET HIM COME BACK! Stupidest thing I've ever done. I could never fully trust him again...thinking he was going to leave me as soon as something he thought was better came around. It's not worth it. You (and I) deserve not to be the people they can fall back on! Don't let yourself be that, regardless of if it was "real" cheating or not!

He's just not that into you.

I would have just left him after hte first time. You are with someone who isn't sure if they are into you enough or isn't sure if you were worth it to give up on someone else?! And then they go likes someone else and hooks up with them?! Are you listeningto yourself?! Dear god woman I want to shake some sense into you! You are worth way more than a man like that. Sounds like a loser you can do without! Kick him to the curb and find someone that will apperciate you for all that you are and love you for all thatyou are not!

I would leave. I couldn't live with fact that he chose someone over me. I know you love him...I mean you've been with him for 3 years! But that doesn't change anything..The truth is the truth..He left you 2 times for another girl. What if you end up married to this guy and he does it while you are married? Girl you need to get some SELF RESPECT and leave! There is another guy out there that would NEVER do that to you!!! No one deserves what he has done..And if he wont even own up to it...errr, just please leave him!

Liss, I would need to have the talk just as much as a guy would. While it's nice that you and your man fell into sync without a problem, that does not happen to most other people. I don't see why we need to expect the men we date to be mind readers. Not everyone (women too) feels like one or two dates equals a committed relationship, so I think it's dangerous to expect that it does in every case.

This board overwhelmingly defends the guys. Just sayin.

I don't think he cheated.
The first time was within 2 months of your relationship. if you hung out with him a handful of times and you considered it to be dating and he considered it to be hanging out and you never discussed exclusivity, it's not cheating. and the second time, you had broken up.
Yes, they were crappy things to do and I'm not saying he's an awesome guy who only have eyes for you, but to ask him to make it up to you is off-base (and that ship sailed 2 years ago).
If you stay with him, you need to move past this.
Given that twice he's had his eye wander (how has he been SINCE the second time?), maybe you should rethink if you want to stay together. I don't think I could trust a guy who is so quick to disregard me.

I do not think anyone is necessarily siding with the boyfriend in this case but dating has changed a lot in the last 10 years. I would not think I was exclusive with someone after 2 months nor would I assume we were in a committed relationship without some kind of conversation. I do not know anyone that dates one person at time anymore. This is what happens when people do not communicate there are hurt feelings and misunderstandings. At least he had the guts to tell you that he was attracted to someone else a lot of guys would just not say anything and cheat this does not make him a prize but unless you are willing to move on from this then you need to end the relationship he has already told he doesn't feel he did anything wrong so he doesn't "owe" you anything. I am not even sure what you are expecting to be honest. You should also consider therapy to help you address your low self esteem.

I feel like this:

he doesn't like you. he's just screwing you until something better comes along.

regardless if it's considered cheating or not.

i can bet that he doesn't do much to make you feel too good otherwise either.

I don't want to be mean. but what's gonna happen is, he's gonna decide he doesn't want to be with someone who doesn't "trust" him.

It's going to be made out that it's all your fault. he's gonna move on with some other girl and you're gonna hear about how happy they are through mutual friends. and you're gonna feel like pure sh*t and have a hard time moving on and dating someone else because you're going to run down what you did wrong. and because your self-esteem is in the dump, you're only going to attract d*ckheads who cheat, and you're gonna be cool with it because not being cool with it is how you lost your last boyfriend.

Don't be a donkey. Don't be in a relationship where there is no trust. Get a new hair cut/hobby, and move on.

I don't know if I agree with everyone saying that "he's just not into you" or "he's waiting for something better". Three years is a long timem to stay with someone that you're not into. Unless he is currently cheating on her...

not really. 3 years goes by pretty fast.

and it's easy to keep riding a donkey...if the ride is good that is.
(it must be your a*s, cuz it ain't your face)

My ex did this to me, we clearly had different definitions of cheating...

You need to find somebody who respects you. This guy does not respect you!!

To me it sounds like he's not really cheating on you but that you think it's cheating. If you weren't exclusive and he was with someone else that isn't cheating. Also if you broke up and he was with someone else, that is not cheating either. If you want to be with him tell him that means that this is the last time he's going to be with another girl as long as he's with you. Make what you define as cheating clear to him and tell him that you'll not put up with any less. He doesn't seem like a guy you'd even want to be with but if you do you need to lay down ground rules for him.

I would have gotten rid of the jerk after it happened the first time...

Whether what he did was actually cheating or not (personally I believe that it was), he broke your trust and it doesn't sound like he wasn't even honest about it the first time that he did it. Honestly, if he did not consider it cheating and thought that you would be cool with it, then why didn't he tell you right away when it happened? Exactly. He knew what he was doing was not ok and was hurtful to you. I think the bigger issue here is the fact that: he was not honest about what he did. And you cannot trust this man. Why would you even want to be with someone who did this to you, let alone the whole not admitting it part????????????????? If I were you, I would never, ever trust this man again. He has shown to you twice that he does not deserve your trust. You can never make him understand how you feel because he is selfish and unable to admit wrongdoing here and he probably never will admit any. I am sorry, but he sounds immature and selfish. Could you really see yourself marrying this man??? Would you trust him to never do this again? Of course you wouldn't, because no woman would trust a man that did this to them. Get out now, before he has a chance to do it again. Have more respect for yourself to realize that if you still don't trust him, (and he has not even admitted he has done anything wrong), then you probably will never trust him.
But if you insist on staying, then get couples counselling. This situation sounds full of heartbreak to me.

Many have said whether the guy has faults or talk about the definition of cheating. They are all correct.

However, what is most important is this: if the man you love has a different definition of cheating as you, and does not want to compromise to your definition, leave him. He needs a girl who can give him freedom, but you need a secure, sensitive, faithful-to-the-core type of man. I know how you feel, I am also such a person.

He might not feel that he is cheating, but you do, and neither of you want to give way about your own definitions to the other. The only solution other than that is only to find your ideal guy, the guy who suits you much more than him, the type of guy who has the same definition of cheating as you.