Dear Sugar,
I have been with my current boyfriend for about four years. We have lived together for three, and until recently things have been great. He works full time and goes to school full time. He has always had about a month-long period before Summer break where he is completely stressed out. In the past, he would tell me he needs his space during that time because he is grouchy and irritable. Over the last few months, he has been this way again, but he won't discuss it with me — he has basically shut me out. I have made multiple attempts to tell him I don't feel loved or "in love" anymore but nothing changes. 
I have basically moved on and started to do my own thing. I am going out with friends and having a great time. Now that he is out of school for the Summer, he wants things to be back to normal. He realizes that he may be losing me, and he's scared. He has done a complete turnaround and it bothers me. I'm not holding a grudge, but I can't let his behavior go. I feel like something is missing from our relationship, and I have been meeting new people and seeing a lot of other possibilities out there. Should I stick it out and try to "fall in love" with him again or just move on? I want to remain his best friend as he's mine but I'm not happy.
— Sparkless Skylar
To see DearSugar's answer, read more.
Dear Sparkless Skylar,
I hate to say it, but it's not uncommon for relationships to go through difficult months — some marriages go through difficult years! While treating someone badly under any circumstances isn't right, you admit that your boyfriend doesn't deal with stress well, and yet, it's only this most recent term when you've found yourself moving on emotionally. Perhaps this isn't a problem in your relationship — that he's unavailable for a month — but rather you're just realizing that your time together has run its course. And that's OK.
As hard as it may be to walk away from a four-year relationship, you shouldn't feel that you have to force yourself to try to fall in love with someone again. As long as you're truly ready to put your relationship aside then it's perfectly healthy to explore other possibilities. But now that he's communicating again, you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to explain to him (again) what you're going through — be kind, but stay honest. Truthfully, it's unlikely that your friendship will be able to remain as it is now once you're no longer together, but it's more important that you be fair to yourself and him than stay just because you don't want to lose his friendship. Good luck.
Fantasie
Marionnaud
Esprit
fall back in love with someone?
1and how do you exactly plan on making yourself do that?
I think that if you feel that on the inside you can't let go of the way he treated you, then you must follow your gut feeling.
If something is telling you that you can't feel comfortable with him anymore, or you want to find someone else (you said it yourself, there's plenty of fish in the sea), then respect that.
Maybe you could both be happy with other people.
Good luck!
It sounds like he likes you, but he's sometimes just a bit messed up and can't express his feelings/thoughts/worries that well. A lot of men are like that...they communicate in other ways. If you would like him back (and only then), tell him that you are considering giving him another chance, but that he HAS to be more open with you on why he's stressed out and what goes on in his mind. Tell him that if he doesn't trust you, you can't help him.
2"He has always had about a month-long period before Summer break where he is completely stressed out."
Sounds like he's stressed because of finals and schoolwork. Give the guy a break.
3Ah, he works and goes to school full time, so I can understand the stress and such. I figure maybe its best that you guys go your separate ways - since you clearly have. He still seems to love you, and if you're willing to work it out, then by all means do so. But don't give him false hope if you've already moved on.
4Whatever issue he's going through, he should be letting you in, not shutting you out. You guys are a duo and he should adhere to that. But so should you. Tell him how you feel.
5Umm I guess I'm the only one who thinks that the OP is a little selfish and unable to face the truth. You said he is stressed every year at this time. Could that be because he's in a stressful position each time? And if you love this guy so much wouldn't you know that he's going through this without him having to tell you every time? I would think that you would try o make it less stressful for him instead of worrying about whether or not he's doing things your way. I mean if he was just being distant and you didn't know why then I would say he should open up but you clearly understand what's wrong and you don't care. I think you haven't been feeling this guy for a while and you're using this as an excuse. that's not fair. If you want to break up with him that's fine since you guys aren't married. Although I would think after 4 years of being together you would feel like you should at least try to work things out. At any rate don't blame this on his actions, stand up and be honest about what you want.
6I agreed w/ bransugar to an extent. I know when people get stressed out, they have different way of reacting (and OP, you don't seem like you know or care to learn about dealing/talking with him about his 'mood' instead you're focusing on yourself mostly) but it doesn't give them the right too, to treat their s/o abominably.
OP, unfortunately you haven't learned to deal with that mood and I don't think you have to endure something you don't want to endure.
The bottom line for you, OP, is that you're UNHAPPY in the relationship anyway and you seem to have moved on. I don't think that you need to 'work it out' out due to the length of the relationship. You're just not feeling the relationship anymore.
You guys aren't married and as long as you two have broken up, you're free to pursue other options, and it seems that you're ready to do so. So do so, and let him know what's really on your mind.
Good luck to you.
7Being stressed out a month or a few weeks before a final is one thing, but being grouchy and irritable and shutting someone out 'for a few months' and then turning around and wanting everything to 'go back to normal' when HE is ready - that's another thing all together.
Sure, the guy is going through a stressful time - but so do plenty of other people in the world and THEY keep their relationships together. In fact, hey, they actually give eachother support - who would have thought?
I don't think it's fair to say that the OP should just sit by and wait out her man's moods. As rockandrepublic pointed out, a relationship is about letting eachother in.
I agree with Dear's advice on how to proceed with this. Personally, I think you already know if you want the relationship to end or not.
8sounds like you're a very unsupportive girlfriend!
9it sounds like you've already moved on even though you're still in the relationship. why put him through the pain of trying to "make yourself fall in love again" if there's a good possibility it won't happen?
10Naveah - I was not by any means excusing this guy's behavior as ok. In fact I think he should certainly be thinking about how he can learn to cope with his stress in a more productive way. What I was trying to point out is that this is clearly not something new to the relationship and it seems that in the past it's been something that the OP knew and understood and apparently put up with. I agree that people shouldn't stay in relationships that make them truly unhappy but I disagree that the amount of time invested doesn't matter. I think the idea that people in relationships somehow don't owe each other anything is lunacy.If the guy is now at a place that he can see something is wrong and he wants to try to fix it, doesn't the person who says they love him at least owe him a shot at changing? I think too often people get into relationships for whatever reason without being realistic about what they want or need or are willing to put up with. If a guy being grouchy and stressed out for a month every year is something you don't like wouldn't you know that the first year? If not the first then surely the second right? And if after having seen that this behavior is not acceptable to you shouldn't you then approach your partner and let them know, give them the opportunity to express their feelings and decide how the two of you will handle it? Everybody keeps making excuses for things when the truth is she just wants out. It's been 4 years and she's bored or she wasn't really in love with him after all or whatever. And yes that is fine. It's perfectly ok to feel that way. But be a woman and own up to your true feelings don't nit pick at a behavior that you have been enduring for some time and point to that as the demise of your feelings, because that is dishonest and someone you love deserves more respect than that. After all if she were writing that this guy had dumped her for the same reason wouldn't everybody be telling her to write him off as a jerk and build up her self image?
11My issue is that it hasn't been adressed. Certainly not by the person behaving like this and while she can bring it up, why should she rescue him? He is a grown a$$ man. I do think it should be brought up just to let him know why the relationship went south. what? she should just be in it for his convenience? Communication is beyond lacking, it's dead.
12IMHO communication is a two way street all I was saying is that she put up with it before for a long time and nothing was said or done on either side. I don't think anywhere in my comment I suggested she treat him as anything other than a grown man. In fact I said that it should have been addressed earlier, they should have had an adult discussion, and if she wasn't willing to put up with it and he wasn't willing to change then they should have called it quits then. It seems to me that this person is using this as an excuse to break up when that isn't really what it's about in the first place. She says that she has been going out with friends and seeing that there are more options etc. That leads me to believe that she is looking to get out because she thinks the grass is greener. Whenever a relationship ends it is not just one party's fault it's shared responsibility and it should be a shared decision. And if in deed one person feels that they are no longer interested in continuing the relationship they should say so and not make the other person feel as though it is their flaw that caused that decision if in deed it is not.
13And I believe it has been addressed i.e. "He has done a complete turn around and it bothers me."
14She has tried communicating it to him "I have made multiple attempts to tell him I don't feel loved or "in love" anymore but nothing changes". I know how this works. I agree with sundaygreens advice though.
15I hate to say give up on him but that might be what you need to do. First I'd try explaining it to him and tell him that you're not going to go through this again next year. He needs to learn how to manage his stress better. Perhaps he should take vacation from work during finals? Tell him that he will lose you if he reverts back to that behavior at any time and it's not acceptable to you. See how you feel about him after he knows how you feel about his behavior and see if things so back to normal or better.
Give yourself a month and then decide whether it's time to move on or stick it out. If you decide to stick it out talk to him before he gets stressed next year or at Christmas break and tell you're not going to put up with it and he needs to keep it in check or you'll be leaving.
16Now I can't take sides in this one. Stress sucks and it makes everyone do some stupid and otherwise uncharacteristic things. If the OP can't handle that then she should take strides to remedy them. If they can't be remedied then there is no reason she should stay in a relationship where she's not content. But on the other side of the coin, he DOES NOT have to fix the problem. Just because you don't want someone to do something doesn't mean you can change it. My best advice is if you're not in love with him anymore, let him go find someone that will be head over heels in love with him. Not to mention finding someone you're head over heels for again too.
17Stay true to your heart. You can only consider his feelings so much.
18Currently, my hubby is undergoing the same thing with school and work. Fortunately, he does not shut me out and reserves a little bit of time, anywhere from 30mins to 2 hours daily depending on how busy he is. Part of being a supportive girlfriend/wife is to give him his time and space for important situations like this. After all he is working towards a future for both of you. If he is actually sparing you some time but you feel 'unloved' and 'shut out' because you don't see it as enough time spent together, then that is your own insecurity and selfish problem for not understanding the greater picture. He will finish school, be less stressed, and have more time for you eventually. If you can't deal with that until he graduates, then don't re-enter the relationship.
19A word of advice, don't get caught up in the new possibilites and new experiences, beacuse you have a great guy at home who loves you and wants to be with you. Let him talk, explain what happpened, why he acted the way he did. After you both openly talk about what happened I bet you will realize that you are still in love with him and that he is still a great guy. Don't be selfish.
20Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.