I really think that you have something really special with your boyfriend right now and you don't want to risk losing it. This happens a lot you don't know how many times I've had this conversation with friends and they all say the same you always want what you can't have. You know in your mind that your ex is not the guy for you and maybe you didn't have closure with him but attraction is attraction now you know in real life its a lot different than a fantasy. Just keep reminding yourself that you have something really good right now someone who loves you and appreciates you so you're very lucky!

totally, there can be sexual chemistry with someone that is not capable of being any more than that for you. The key is maturity to recognize what is most important, just sex or a beautiful man who loves you and sex that is good, as you say. I think you know the difference, and know that this is just harmless and will pass soon enough.

I usually agree with Dear but here I don't. You said "intense conversations", not intimate ones, for one thing, and that could mean a variety of things. Unless you recognize that your relationship/friendship with him falls under emotional cheating, I don't think you should cut all ties with him, and it's not clear that this is emotional cheating. It sounds like you and your bf are doing well and a year is a long time - long enough for the honeymoon to be over and you're noticing that other guys are on this planet still. At least for me, at first in a relationship I'm only attracted to my guy, but after that intense infatuation wears off other guys start existing again. And if you cut off all ties with this guy because you fantasize about him, you're running away from a problem that's going to come back - you're going to be attracted to another guy again. And you might be burning a bridge with this one if you do; is he a really good friend to you now? Bad boyfriends can make good guy friends, that's how most of my bad exes started out. I think that the fact that you're having fantasies but have no urges to act on them (by your I'm not a cheater that's not the problem comment) just says that you're mature and have a good head on your shoulders, and your relationship is just moving along and that's what happens. I don't think severing ties with someone who might be important to you is a good move, the grass is always going to be greener.

I'm sorry, but I've been with my BF for 2 and a half years, the honeymoon period is over, and yet I have not laid eyes on another guy. So I don't agree with Annebreal. One year is a very short period of time to ALREADY be fantasizing THAT MUCH about someone else.

I do believe that it is something that happens in every relationship (just hasn't happened to me yet!) - suddenly someone else strikes your fancy. On top of that, you've got memories of doing the nasty with him, and that fuels the fire. That is how you end up cheating on someone - by letting yourself slip into the kind of situation you're letting yourself slip into right now! What happens the day you and your BF have a big fight, and you call the hot ex, he invites you out for a drink, and instead of 1 you have 3?

Don't tempt the devil. I think that "working at a relationship" includes cleaning out the danger zones. You are committed to your BF, yet you are not completely over the ex; it doesn't mean there's something wrong with your current relationship, but it sure means you've got work to do, and that involves making a clear choice, and cutting ties with the ex dude. Who cares if he's a good friend? He's not the only good friend you have or will have, while as you say yourself, your BF is the (hopefully?) only guy you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Everybody will tell you it takes efforts to stay faithful. Maybe not now, but after 10, 20, 40 years of marriage, those who haven't cheated will tell you it's not like they never thought about it - they just made sure it wouldn't happen by being proactive. Get into that good habit starting now: get rid of the guy. Far from sight, far from the mind.

It is sooooo not okay to have "intense" conversations with him and fantasize about him this way. You'd be devastated if your BF entertained this kind of relationship with another girl. So do it out of respect for him; isn't he a ton more valuable to you than that hot piece of ass?

Obviously it's up to this person, but I think if you start severing ties with every man you want to see naked or enjoy spending time and having conversations with - whatever "intense" means, I mean this could mean anything from interesting debates to phone sex, really, obviously if it's on the phone sex end of the spectrum it's not as innocent as I'm interpreting the situation - you're sacrificing too much for this relationship and you're burning bridges. I'd just sit back and evaluate a little bit more before thinking I fantasize about this other guy, this is toxic to my relationship, therefore I cut all ties. Much easier said than done for one thing, and for another, cutting all ties with someone is kind of a big deal and could impact that other person a lot, too.

And also I don't think it's a good idea to put expectations of when it's okay to feel certain ways based on our own timeline. I might start looking at other guys and feeling attraction again 3 to 6 months in, some people may at a year, some at three years, some never - I don't think there's a right or a wrong here. And I'm not saying fantasizing about other guys is a good thing, but I don't think it's horrible and something worth beating yourself up over; we're all sexual beings.

I totally agree with annebreal.

I'm going through a similar situation, though my boyfriend and I have only been dating three months. He's a great guy, smart and treats me perfectly and we have no big issues. At first I only looked at him and was completely attracted to him, but my ex-boyfriend recently came back in the picture. He and I dated and lived together for three years. It was an intense relationship and he definitely was not a good boyfriend to me. However, we've been hanging out recently as friends and it's made me question if I want to be with my current boyfriend. I love my current boyfriend, but the relationship lacks the excitement I had with my ex...but I know I can't go back to the ex because he was a terrible boyfriend! I realize I just have to work harder at making the current relationship better. But I agree a bad ex can be a good guy friend, as long as their intentions aren't on the lines of 'just friends.'

"it's possible that the deeper attraction and connection just isn't there."

I agree!

It may take a while for you to figure this out tho, its easier said than done. It could even take years.

I will tell you this though, the easiest (and maybe only?) way to withstand the temptation, is to remove yourself from it.

i.e. stay as far away from your ex as possible.

Oh PS - I agree 1 million % with Karlotta. She is a smart gal.

From what the poster says, it doesn't sound that she's considering breaking up with her boyfriend for the ex or cheat on him, so in my opinion fantasizing is not a problem.
but also, I would have to say that if she feels she has to hide these "intense conversations" (I'm still trying to figure out what that could mean - what a way to be precise, girl!) from her current boyfriend, then she probably knows that there's something wrong going on.

A. to the posters who said "a bad ex makes a good friend"... i couldn't disagree more.

B. if you're fantasizing about the ex... and are worried about it enough to question yourself... stop hanging out with him, stop having the ''intimate convos'' with him... make these changes and i'd bet that you won't fantasize about him. you don't have to cut off all ties... but i would probably make some big changes. as a poster above said, imagine if your boyfriend was having intimate convos with an ex girlfriend.. how would you feel? probably wouldn't make you comfortable about the situation at all.

in my experience, the exes have caused nothing but problems, so maybe my opinion is biased.

My bad exes have made great friends. I think that for everyone it's different. It's not really something you can agree or disagree with, since it's personal experience.

Anyway, the key for me in your post was where you said you're "intellectually" certain about your current guy, but we don't really fall in love with our brains. I don't think your heart is in this current relationship.

If I were you I'd avoid the ex as much as possible and when your mind wanders to him try and think of something else. I don't think you should be with this man and you know that too, you're so much better off with your current boyfriend who you can consider a Mr. Right. Fantasies are fine as long as they don't make you feel weird or guilty and uncomfortable. If you don't want to think of him you have to work on it a little bit.