Dear Sugar,
I met my now girlfriend in college. Shortly after meeting she left to study abroad, and I graduated and moved back home to Arizona. When she returned, we saw each other a few times and out of nowhere started talking on the phone. Here we are in a long-distance relationship three years later. In the beginning, I had anticipated moving back to LA, where she's from, but she ended up going to law school, so we put all talks on hold until she graduated.
About a year into our relationship, my father's start-up company took off and he asked me to come help him, giving me the title of VP and providing an ownership stake in the company. Since then, the company has continued to do very well and is now a multimillion dollar company. I absolutely love my job as it was always my dream to own my own business. My girlfriend recently got a job offer from one of the top firms in the nation, in California. She also received a job offer, although not quite as lucrative or with as good a company here in Arizona.
She wants to further her career and wants me to move out there. I have no job offer from any company in California, and I'm not really sure what I would do there. Outside of this little problem, our relationship is fantastic. I am sure that she is the one for me. I did tell her in the beginning that I would move out there, but so many things have changed since then. I'm not sure what to do now. Any advice?
— States Away Scott
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Dear States Away Scott,
From what you describe it sounds like you and your girlfriend have done a truly amazing job of balancing your relationship and your individual goals, even with the demands of being long distance. Now that you've hit the tipping point, it seems to me that you have two clear choices: You can move out to California and abandon your job or you guys can continue how you have been until something gives.
If you decide to pursue the former, beware of resentment issues that may to take root once you're in California. If you don't think that you can quell them, then I urge you to put off moving until you have another job or until you're ready to leave your current company. The same stands if your girlfriend decides to take that job in Arizona. You each need to be ready to make the move with confidence and the knowledge that if you're relationship doesn't work out, you won't have thrown away everything else.
Should you guys decide to stay in your respective states and maintain your relationship then I think it's time to discuss a long-term plan. It's true that neither of you can guarantee where you'll be emotionally or careerwise in another two years, but it's time to come up with a mutual goal and begin to work towards it together. And yes, it will take some compromises from both of you. If neither of you are willing to sacrifice then it may be time to consider whether or not you're truly in the right relationship.
James Darby
Kurt Geiger
Canada Goose
I agree with Dear.
I don't think you moving out there or you two continuing this way are the only two choices, Scott. But it does sound like out of the two of you, you are the one who is more willing to move.
I do think you are totally valid in your point that you have no job offer out there, and she has one in Arizona and in California. So it would be easier for her to move to you than you to her.
I think if you think "she is the one" for you, you gotta make sure that she feels that you "are the one for her" before you do move to California. And she has to be prepared that it may take you some time to find a permanent job once you get there.
1Whomever moves, there is going to be a resentment. It may not come up now, but it WILL come up.
I feel where you are coming from with your dad's company.
But I feel your girlfriend too.
Practicing law in California (state of lawsuits) versus Arizona is two different things.
I dunno, this is why I never engage in long distance relationships...it never ends up pretty. and it sucks because it sounds like you found a great gal.
2I agree with Asia that there's going to be resentment on the part of whoever makes the move. You both have really solid careers going where you are.
Sometimes........these are the things that make or break relationships. I hate to even bring that into this discussion because you both sound terrific and like you've really found the secret to making long-distance work. But personal satisfaction with your careers is important for both of you, and it could be that you just don't find the balance. And as Asia said, it sucks.
3This is a really tough situation, but speaking from experience... DO NOT MOVE until you are 100% ready AND 100% sure that the two of you are on the same page concerning your relationship. I dated my ex boyfriend for two years before I moved to a new city to live with him, and only after extensively discussing our getting married in the near future. Apparently, he was harboring doubts and didn't share them with me, and I got dumped out of the blue 6 months after moving for him. So I was homeless and alone and hours away from everyone I knew. It was horrible. I would hate for the same thing to happen to you. That said, I have also done the long distance thing, and I believe it can work, as long as the two of you are honest with each other and both of you are equally dedicated to making the relationship work. The best of luck to both of you!
4I don't think you should move - especially since you have no job offer out there. I think you moving for her would bring a lot of issues. Its obvious that she doesn't want to move - but if she really gave a damn, she would. Hopefully, you make the decision that's right for you...
5That's a very very very simple question, in fact: what is most important to you? Your job, or your girlfriend? Which one do you want to bet on? Which one do you MOST still want in your life in 20 years? I had a wonderful career in New York, a great life that I loved, many friends, and an apartment that'd been home for 8 years - but I dropped it all to cross an ocean and live with my BF. And I never looked back. HE was just more important to me, and I knew I could start my career over, find a new place, keep in touch with old friends and make new ones - but I could certainly not replace HIM. So I made my decision, and also that to never resent him however things turned out. But hey, I'm a sucker for da love.
6As an entrepreneur, moving could be more of an opportunity than you think. Who knows, this can lead to the start of a bigger and better business for you. Good entrepreneurs can make it no matter where they go. Whereas as a lawyer, it's a much more limited field than entrepreneurship, and it's pretty much certain her career would suffer if she moves to Arizona.
Depending on what kind of business you and your father are in, maybe you can start a branch of it in California. Widen your net, take it national? Take over the world? Hey, since you're doing multimillion dollar business already, I think it's likely you can do it!
7i disagree with the posters that say 'pick whichever one is more important'. i don't think its that simple. they are both important, one thing isnt MORE important than the other thing. my career is who i am, right or wrong. i moved 2000 miles from my family and friends and hometown to live with my husband. i was absolutely resentful, i hated every minute of it. i moved back 8 years later, without him. im not saying this will happen to you, every situation is unique. did i love my husband? yes! did i love my job/career? yes. but its not always black and white. i would reconsider moving at this point.
8I think she should move because it sounds like you make more money and have a great chance of moving up high in the company. Moving is a big commitment and I believe that you should be ready to propose to her soon and support her if she is unhappy working in Arizona. On the other hand, maybe she could work in California for 6 months, to get the reference (well i don't know if that's long enough in the law industry but anyways) and then talk about moving again. Anyways, you are asking a lot from her, so you should be ready to offer a lot, and that makes it fair-er.
9This problem really hits home for me as my boyfriend and I are in grad programs in different places. I finish next year but he has 4-5 more years of a PhD and figuring out whether to move where he is or pursue my career goals is keeping me awake at night. However, what I've realized through our conversations about it is that right now we're both really focused on our careers and that's ok. It doesn't mean we don't love each other dearly, and I agree that it's not as black and white as "which one is more important?" We all get different types of fulfillment out of our relationships, our jobs, our hobbies. It sounds like you've found a great woman and a great career, and for the time being it sounds like remaining long distance is the way to go.
Having a number of friends about to graduate from law school, taking the bar is no joke and it's not as simple as just moving from one state to another if you want to practice law. Landing a top job is also a big deal, and if she's like every other law student I know she has a ton of loans that will need to be paid. Being a first year associate also comes with working really long hours on little sleep. If you two really think that you have a future together, putting off the move for a few more years sounds like a good way to be more set up in your careers and financially. Besides, in a few years she may decide the stress of her firm is too much or you may decide you're ready to embark on a new business venture. There's time to make those decisions that will bring you closer together in the long run while also pursuing your others goals. I guess I just don't believe that love is enough sometimes, you also have to be able to fulfill your other goals. And it sounds like you are both doing well enough to be able to visit each other frequently. Good luck!
10Couldn't you run your family's company from Cali? It is your family company so I'm sure they'd make some exceptions for you. If that is not possible for whatever reason I'd say she needs to take the job in California because it's not fair for your career to dwarf her's. You both sound like you'll be really successful in your careers and California and Arizona aren't that far apart.
As someone who has been in a long distance relationship you can make it work if you visit all the time. We'd visit at least every 2 weeks. You both are going to have weekends off so you need to spend that time together and talk to each other on the phone every night. That is the only way it's going to work. Eventually, it'll be more clear who needs to move because of the circumstances in their lives. She might get an even better offer in Arizona later after she's worked in California for a while.
11I think when it gets to the point (went through the same thing about 1yr ago) that you are ready to consider the "forever" question one person has to be willing to move . . .if one of you isn't 100% willing with no doubts and you even have the hint of feeling that your job is more important than your relationship that's a good sign it might not be "meant-to-be" and you don't want to regret moving and giving up a good job only to resent and regret it later.
12i was thinking exactly the same thing as looseseal.
13I think both of you should take 6 months to a year to get your careers under control in your respective fields. That means you work in Arizona, and she goes to CA. Who knows what opportunities for moving may present themselves? Or, life may take you another way. I would say let her get her law career started so she has feet to stand on-- then discuss moving. It sounds like her career direction is really important to her and being a lawyer in CA will make her life entirely different from being a lawyer in AZ. Just give it a little bit more time.
14I think there's a pretty simple answer here - who makes more money???
I know that might be oversimplifying it, but in reality, if you are planning on getting married, living together, whatever, whichever of you has the larger earning potential is the one who should keep their current position.
The other issue is this: you said you have always dreamed of owning your own company - so move to california and OPEN ONE. You don't currently own your own company, you work for your father's company.
And someone else said it, can't you work for your father in LA? It sounds like you could turn it into a really great opportunity to expand the family business. I say go for it. Abandon all thoughts of giving anything up, and only look at what could be gained and the opportunities that you could make for yourself there. Then you won't feel resentful, she will think you are adventurous and sexy, and giving and generous, and at the end of the day, if things between you don't work out, you can always go back to AZ and work for your dad - she doesn't have the same fall-back option.
Looks like you're moving to LA, my friend!!
15live in arizona, it sucks less than california.
16yeah, but it's butt-f*ck egypt in arizona. (no offense)
i know, there's smog, wh*res and traffic on the 405 out here, but i wouldn't trade L.A for Arizona.
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