alert the thought police! you can't control your partners thoughts. gesh! as long as they actually don't have an affair, who cares what thoughts pass through their heads?

Thoughts are just thoughts - it's actions that really hurt.

Unless your partner actually said to you, "I thought about cheating on you with so and so" (yeah right), it's a bit of an impossible scenario to pass judgement on.

I think that just about everyone in a longterm relationship at some point has THOUGHT about cheating before. Whether it be during a rough patch in the relationship or maybe a stupid crush. Everyone is human. I've thought about it, for all of maybe 2 seconds on several occassions. Even though I know I would never follow through. And I love my BF with every piece of me.

I don't think I would consider it cheating. Of course if you knew about it, it would be hurtful, but like Sunday said.....it's highly unlikely your BF/GF would tell you something like that anyway.

Well, thoughts come and go and as long as your thoughts don't turn into considering it, it's not cheating in my opinion (I mean, you can't control your thoughts, they just happen). Of course we can discuss the subconscious of something like this but as long as you don't want to cheat, you shouldn't beat yourself up if it comes up in, you know, conversation with yourself that only happens in your mind.

thoughts are just thoughts, as long as they aren't acted upon, it's not cheating. However, if you think like my ex boyfriend, it's not cheating "if you don't do it every day or aren't engaged."

I wouldn't think it was cheating until someone initiates something. It's one thing to think about cheating ... it's another to make a plan to seduce another girl and leave your current beau.

Actions speak louder than thoughts, surely?

I don't think it's possible to say that thinking about it is wrong. We all have thoughts, and fantasies, and sometimes we can't control those. But you can control your actions.

Heck, I've thought about it. Be it if we're in an argument and we're apart. Or I wonder what it would be like, but under no circumstances had I ever even remotely thought I would actually do any of the things I thought. It was just an immediate coping response. It's just wondering... like wondering about anything else.

My thoughts are, you cannot control your thoughts or someone else's thoughts... There is no point worrying about if your partner is mentally screwing the chick next to you. Suspicion of his thoughts will just make you look and feel crazy.
I personally wouldn't want to know if my boyfriend is thinking about sex with someone else. I can't judge him for it because I've thought about other people too. As long as I don't know...I'm fine with it. Thinking about sex with someone else is definitely not as bad as actually going through with it.

There's a difference between having a passing thought about someone else and feeling momentary attraction, and actually plotting out ways to cheat on your partner. Crushes happen. Would I actually act upon those temporary feelings? Never.

When it goes BEYOND normal, casual fantasizing and becomes seriously thinking about how-could-I-do-this cheating I think the relationship is in trouble. I know that when I'm in a relationship, I don't notice other people unless I'm seriously struggling with the situation at hand.

Gross.

I think the thought about cheating and panned to cheat are a little different than being attracted to someone else. Everyone sees other people from time to time that they find attractive but to think wow wouldn't it be great to cheat on my SO with so and so is alittel weird and planning it out is even worse. I know my husband may be attracted to other women and I'm fine with that as long as I don't have to hear about it, but for him to admit he thought about cheating with someone would make me feel really horrible and if I ever found out that he planned it out then I would feel betrayed because that still crosses a boundary of trust even if it's not the full action

if you are going to go down that road of "is thinking about cheating, cheating?" than you can ask if dreaming about cheating constitutes cheating also.

Its ridiculous to start being so picky as to making "thinking" about anything a solid point for evidence as to wrongdoings

I was just talking about this with my husband and telling him I don't think it's bad to think about another person sexually but if you act on it at all that is where the cheating comes in. My fantasies often include cheating on my husband because no matter what I couldn't imagine leaving him for another man. It's not like he walks in on us and there is a fight or anything like that but in the back of my mind I know that I'd never leave my husband for the man in my fantasies.

However, if you are planning where you'd go and how you'd lie about it to your spouse than there is definitely a problem. The fantasy should be all about the sex not the circumstances and not hurting your significant other. I could never think about that part, it ruins the whole fantasy.

it's certainly not good... if i found out my guy was seriously thinking about another and having to restrain himself, i would end our relationship. i wouldn't blame him and it wouldn't be a break-up out of punishment. the thing is, i just couldn't live with being in a relationship that included a guy being with me to "do the right thing." when it goes to that place, it's time to say bubye!

I find if I'm thinking of cheating for real, not just in my fantasies, there's some major relationship problems that need to be addressed.

Uh, if I'm understanding the context of the question. "do you think *seriously contemplating* cheating is just as bad as the act itself?"

It's not as bad as the act itself but it certainly is bad if your SO is seriously contemplating cheating. It denotes there is something incredibly off with your current relationship. I see the words 'seriously' and 'contemplating' paired together and, well, that's a pretty big red flag that your SO might actually cheat on you.

Thinking about is one thing, doing is quite another. It's said that lots of great sex comes out of fantasizing about someone else, so I guess it doesn't do any harm. But I love my fiance waaaaaaay too much to ever cheat on him and actually have no desire to be with anyone else, and I hope that lasts forever and ever.

If actions speak louder than words then the same will apply for our thoughts. We can't control our own thoughts let alone theirs.

lol, if it's all in your head it's not cheating it's just imagination. men do it all the time and i see no harm in it. come on, why do they sell all those magazines and posters with pix of hot women in them?

and what is planning to cheat exactly? if you are planning with someone else that's a whole other thing. otherwise it's (again) just imagination. like planning on what you would do if you won the lotto. you know it will never happen but it's fun to think about it.

thoughts are thoughts and they don't hurt unless you speak up (with the wrong person, of course) about them and/or try to act on them.

it would be ridiculous to attempt to control somebody's mind and inner thoughts/desires, even your own,

it's pointless...

as long as you are aware that a certain thought is only possible within the realm of your imagination, then everything will be fine.

when the line between reality and fantasy starts blurring... that's when problems begin.

If you are hardcore planning to cheat on your partner, then I say that you're halfway there, and that's bad. Obviously they are dissatisfied with their relationship and if my boyfriend was very tempted to cheat on me (and I mean VERY...everyone is slightly tempted sometimes), then I would feel terrible.

I don't even really notice other men when I am in a relationship so it's a moot point. My boyfriend is the same. Thankfully.

I've been with cheaters before and it's just not worth it.

I found out this morning that my husband has been talking to a chick from work. 3 days ago he sent her a text with the intention of having sex with her. So yes, in my mind, planing on cheating is AS BAD as the act itself. If your willing to ruin a relationship to get off, then why try to even make it work? Fantasy is one thing, the planning, flirting, hiding everything with intentions..bad.