Dear E. Jean,
I suddenly feel old. I feel so old and bland I don’t want to tell you how old I actually am (even though I know this will be anonymous).
The truth is I haven’t had a date since my husband left. (He had an affair with his secretary — the old story.) He is now dating a woman who is eight years younger than me. We split three years ago.
I am tired of sitting around sulking and feeling sorry for myself. I read a quote today spoken by somebody about Tim Russert: “He regarded a day greeted without real enthusiasm as a sadly lost opportunity.”
I believe that! I want to rejoin the human race. I want to meet a new man! But I look old and drab. My question: What should I do to change and update my look? What do men like? I don’t have a lot of money so plastic surgery is out of the question! Thanks Auntie Eeee — Ready to Leave the House!!
To see E. Jean's answer read more.
Miss Ready, Miss Ravishing Woman,
What an excellent Russert quote! (I believe it is from Mario Cuomo who spoke at the memorial.)
There’s no need to put yourself through an atom-smasher to change your look. And, ye gods! No plastic surgery! (We have enough dingbats walking around with breasts that look like toilet plungers.)
You can do a few subtle things here and there, and ZOOM! The guys will hand you their hearts (or at least cast you admiring looks on the street).
Anyway if you try too hard, you’ll just end up looking a little desperate and silly (we’ve all seen the overly-plucked, overly-curled, overly-tanned, overly-stretched, overly-dressed douchebags staggering around our big-city boulevards). And worse, when you spend a lot of money “changing your look” then you will kind of need men to find you pretty, and the moment you need a man to find you anything is the moment you lose your bewitching individuality.
So . . . get plenty of sleep, stand up straight (it will blast you with radiance and add an inch to your height), meet the girls for margaritas at least once a week, and go through your closets, your living room, your kitchen, your office and toss out all the boring people.
Then go buy a pretty new Summer dress. (First scoot around FabSugar and BellaSugar to get ideas. Then make certain to select a dress that shows off your waist — the male beast is hardwired to chase the feminine shape. Whether you are 208 pounds or 108 pounds, curves captivate men. Especially the all-important waist-hip ratio.)
Wear the dress to the hairdressers and get a cut and a blow-out. Throw in a few highlights if you can afford it. Then hit the make-up counters (the more the better) and buy a new lipstick and eye shadow. (You will receive plenty of advice from the experts, trust me.)
NOTE: I’d love to tell you to now go enjoy a dinner of hot dogs at a big time baseball game or boat show or NASCAR race where there will be crowds of men — but it’s up to you.
Either way, you’ll now feel tremendous and wonderful. And when you feel tremendous and wonderful, it means you are delighting in your own attractions. And when you delight in your own attractions . . . you will attract!
Good luck, darling! We are all pulling for you here at DearSugar!
To see more advice from E. Jean, visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com.
Miu Miu
Tibi
Tom Tailor
I think you have successfully made your first step by realizing your currently situation and ready to make changes. So propz for you!
Don't let the fact that ur hus left you for a younger girl affect you because a lot of men out there are interested in older women - wink wink!
As for your look, what makes you feel confident? a new hair cut/color? new cloth? get back in shape? or all that? And guess what, while you are making the change, you will meet tons of people. Nothing is sexier than a confident woman. Enjoy ~
1As usual, E Jean has doled out some excellent advice! Go for a look that makes you feel good about yourself - once you are comfortable and happy in your own skin, people will flock to you!
2Good for you for wanting a change and not wallowing in self-pity any longer. I went through this myself a few years ago after my divorce. I lost a bunch of weight, changed my hair color, and most importantly, learned to do things I liked to do by myself, not depending on another to have a good time. One of my favorite things to do on a Sunday was go have breakfast and read the Sunday paper cover to cover if I felt like it, just taking my leisurely time.
Most importantly, learn to love yourself first and foremost. You're on the right track. Good luck.
3Great advice! I'd like to add that if you don't already, get out and exercise! Like tomatoshirt mentioned, it'll get you in shape but also boost your mood. I like going out early in the summer mornings when it's quiet and cooler. It'll make gretting the day with enthusiasm that much easier. Good luck!
4Awww! CUTE post. I agree you don't want to get plastic surgery. Just buy some make-up/flattering clothes and enhance what you already have! Good Luck!
5So, let me get this straight. Don't try to be prettier for a man, but get your hair done and new make-up and clothes that accentuate the hip-waist ratio?
Seems kind of contradictory to me...
Anyway, my advice to the OP is to find an activity that you have true enthusiasm for and have fun with it. Take up sailing or take a photography class or whatever it is you've always wanted to do but never have.
In my opinion, if you follow your heart, you'll often accidentally meet a man along the way.
6If it were me I'd clean out my closets and get rid of all the unflattering stuff. Since you don't have a lot of money go through the clothes you still have and find new combinations or outfits you've never tried together. Not only would you find new outfits but you'll know what to buy and it'll feel really cathartic too.
Spend time doing thing you love that will give you some quality time with yourself.
Also, if you wear clothes or makeup or hairstyles that make you feel pretty than you will feel much more confident. You don't have to buy trendy clothes just things that fit and feel good on. That makes a huge difference. Even if you just get sexy shoes or lingerie, you'll feel much sexier and more confident.
Most of all don't worry about attracting men because if you're confident they'll flock to you. If you feel or act desperate it will send men running in the other direction. As long as you're not looking there are always men around. You'll find one when you least expect it. Have fun!
7you feel GOOD about yourself when you get your hair done and buy a new dress! and therefore you exude confidence and men love that. it makes sense! good job E.Jean!
8I have to agree with popgoestheworld.
9Join an organization, or group, or maybe a class thats suits your interests, its a good way to meet people.
Do not get you waist hip ratio in check and go to a ball game if you aren't interested in baseball. You will look like a desperate fool.
i see the point popgoestheworld is trying to make, and i initially agreed with it.
but then i thought back to my last haircut and remembered the feeling i had afterwards - i felt invincible!
10lol amybdk - new haircuts do rock. No denying that.
My point is only that the confidence that comes from loving your life is much more permanent than the confidence boost that comes with a new haircut or a makeover.
11First off, you should be asking how to do this for yourself! Not a man........anyway, contrats on realizing you still have lots of fun to have and wanting to get out there and do something.
Have one of your friends that you really trust come with you shopping and try some tasteful things on that you never had the guts to wear. Maybe a different color or a style that you never tried before. Just make sure you have someone that can be truthful and let you know if you look crazy or not.
Men like confidence and women that dress to with clothes that flatter their body type.
12I completely agree with E.Jean 100%
13Ok, I am going to share my secret. I don't usually tell people this, but it totally works. When I need a boost, I make sure I look nice and I walk into wherever I am going (usually work or something) thinking, I am the hottest, coolest, most confident person in here. If you walk in with that attitude, I promise you everyone will notice you and think you are the hottest, coolest, most confident person there--even if you're not. I actually had to do that today because I am basically starting over fresh and I've been down about it, so I decided it was time to break out. And I can't even begin to tell you how much better today was for me.
14i don't think you need to feel like you wasted anytime over grieving the loss of your marriage. everyone is different and if you needed 3 years before you could greet each day with excitement then so be it. i would only add that you probably shouldn't tell your story this way to the people you meet now. maybe just that you weren't ready to jump back into the dating scene before. this will be a new chapter in your life, have fun
15I agree a new haircut can be good for confidence, and liberating. I got one of those haircuts recently myself. But I would take my new confident me and my haircut to a group, or event I was interested in, not to a baseball game, which I hate, to catch a man.
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