Dear Sugar,
One of my oldest friends lives in another city. He recently came down to visit me and it was a great reunion with one small problem: he’s turned into a major pothead. He’s always enjoyed his weed, and although I don’t smoke pot, I don’t mind if he does on his own time. But when he visited, he proceeded to get high in my apartment multiple times a day.
I feel uncomfortable about all of this. I don’t like my house to smell like marijuana and I’m a little hurt that my dear friend couldn’t just enjoy our time together without having to be high. Plus, I just think it’s overall rude. I didn’t say anything (aside from a request to open the windows so that my apartment wouldn’t smell) because I do value our friendship and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable in my home, but it concerns me that he can’t go even a few hours without smoking and that our time together pretty much went to his habit. Am I overreacting? — Smoke Free Freda
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Dear Smoke Free Freda,
No, I don't think you're overreacting in the slightest, but I'm a bit confused as to why you didn't say anything to him. Though you didn't want him to feel uncomfortable in your home, he in turn made you uncomfortable in your home!
Now that he's gone, I would call him and have a little chat about his recent visit. Don't patronize him or attack him in any way, just voice your frustration and let him know how hurt you are that he got high every day while you were together. If you feel this is a bigger problem than just using while on vacation, you might want to bring that to his attention as well, but use a caring and loving tone so he doesn't act defensive.
Though you don't mind that he smokes marijuana on his own time, it clearly affected your time together. It sounds to me like he took advantage of your carefree attitude and disrespected the rules of your home. Hopefully he'll be able to see where you're coming from and apologize for his selfish behavior so you can put this past you and move on with your friendship. But Freda, the next time you see each other, make sure you come to an understanding of what the weekend will entail. I hope this helps!
Patrizia Pepe
Rebecca
Mulberry
I agree with DearSugar, how will he know if there's something wrong if you don't say anything? If he is as dear a friend as you say, he should be ok with hearing you out.
Plus, you know, he's a pothead - I'll bet he'll be pretty mellow whichever way you approach the subject. Ha.
1He probably thinks it's okay since he knows you know he likes to partake of the "wacky tobacky", however it would have been nice of him to ask first, just like he would if he were smoking regular cigarettes. But you should have definitely said something to him.
2I do not smoke pot myself either, but I also think it's not a big deal and would be much better off legalized. Anyhow, I do not think you were overreacting at all. First off, no matter what, it's still illegal and he had it in your house. Second, it sounds like he's become dependent on it, unless he was just letting loose a bit figuring he's kind of on vacation. Either way, if you guys are so close, I can't see why you can't bring it up. You should say something to him about it so that next time he's visiting you don't go through the same thing and he won't be potentially hurting your friendship.
3You definitely underreacted. Why would you value the friendship of someone who obviously does not value yours enough to even ask if he could smoke in your home.
4"I didn’t say anything (aside from a request to open the windows so that my apartment wouldn’t smell)"
Then how is he going to know that it bothers you?!!!
5Yeah, you should've just said something. It's your house. There would be nothing wrong with simply telling him that, while you're not necessarily against his using, you'd prefer it not no occur in your home. For one thing, it's a long shot, but there is a small chance he could get caught, and you would be liable, too.
In any case, it was wrong of him to toke up in your house without even asking. I would be just as annoyed with a cigarette smoker. Some of us actually care whether our house reeks!
6i don't think you overreacted. i would think it was super disrespectful to smoke in your house. not sure that it would bother me if he was stoned throughout the trip, just if he was smoking in MY house. plus the fact that he did it apparently without asking.
7i have a friend who is a major pothead as well. i didn't realize it until i went to visit him a few months ago. like your friend, he smoked multiple times a day. i didn't say anything about it at the time, but eventually i did. the most surprising thing was that he didn't even realize how bad it was! he said he didn't smoke 'all that much, only (3 or 4, i don't remember) times a day.' i'm like, three or four times a day IS a lot. he didn't even see it til i said something to him about it. he cut back for a while, but i'm pretty sure he's returned to his old ways.
i think as long as you talk to your friend and not accuse or try to make him feel bad about it, your friendship shouldn't suffer. but, imho, it wouldn't hurt to say something, b/c like with my friend, he may not even be aware of it.
8Hmmm, I'd be angry if someone smoked anything in my house without asking. And you mentioned you live in an apartment - there are a lot of buildings that are non-smoking only, and if other tenants or the landlord gets a whiff, that could create problems. At least, it probably would in my building. But your friend shouldn't have made the assumption that it's okay without asking first.
9I think since it is your house it is a big deal and you should have said something when it was going on. I also have friends that some would describe as potheads but they would never spark up in my home without asking if it was OK with me. I do not smoke anything and pot isn't a big deal to me but I definitely do not want the smell in my apartment. Gross.
10You should have said soemthing and its not too late now. You can still bring it uo nicely. You would be doing him a favour by bringing it up. he needs to to know that there is soemthing going on with him.
11a simple solution would have been to say you don't allow smoking in your apartment.
He SHOULD have asked permission, but then you also should have spoken up and asked him not to.
12I think it was incredibly rude of him to smoke in your house without asking you if it bothered you, especially since he must know that you dont smoke. By not saying anything he assumed it was ok with you. When you talk to him next time tell him that It bothered you that he smoked in your house and ask him not to do it again and tell him you were surprised by how much he was smoking and that it bummed you out that he was high the entire time was visiting.
13I know a ton of people that smoke both cigs and pot, and they know it's a rule, NO smoking ever inside my home. It's your personal property and only nonsmokers really know how horrible the smoke smell is! When you're the smoker, you don't realize it's all around you and in your things, but those that don't smoke do! My roommate would try to smoke in his room and blow it out the window, and stuff a towel under his door so that it wouldn't escape, and the moment that I walked in the house I could still smell it. It's my apartment, I'm the one on the lease, and I rent out the room. And when any one comes in or has rented the room, they know first up that it's something I don't allow. They may think it's no big deal but you know what? You will have the nice apartment and the nice smelling things! I don't even let people smoke in my backyard and then come in b/c they carry the smoke with them. If they have a problem with it, then they can always leave (if renting) or go somewhere else and smoke first.
As long as you are strong on your rules and say them up front, you aren't overreacting.
As to him smoking when he's with you and having to be high when you're hanging out, a lot of my friends do this and I hate it. I don't care that they smoke but when I want to hang out with them, I don't want them to be high either. They change a bit (yes I know, i used to smoke myself!) and I think if you're going out and plan to smoke that's one thing (just like planning on going and drinking or doing any other type of drug) but just to blaze up on any occassion? Yeah it sucks and I perfectly well understand! You may want to see if there's something else behind it, sometimes there can be!, or if they are a new smoker (in which they'd like to do it at any opportunity), or if they just are going through a wild crazy time. Kind of have to look the other way otherwise:)
14He was rude for not asking but you can't be upset with him until YOU say something, it is your house after all. I know it can be uncomfortable especially for close friends but they need to be respectful of your space and of you in general
15I've lost two really good friends to this problem, I really hope you can fix this!
16I don't think smoking pot is a big deal and wouldn't mind if people did it in my house (as long as my kid wasn't there). HOWEVER, I think it's rude not to ask first. It's just good manners, something even most pot smokers I know have.
17girl...i've had so many friends with so many problems and habits like this too...and always let them funk up my house and make me feel uncomfortable. i know this is more about your friendship with him- but for the record- don't be a place mat! if you don't want smoke in your house don't let it! people will just walk over you the more you let them get away with stuff!
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