Its not sad... you're pretty damn young, woman! Join some clubs where you can talk to some more people. Start getting out there and breaking out of your shell. Things like theatre, dancing, singing, or even a karate class will get you out in front of some very supportive people. You're not weird, you're just shy and picky... dont settle for the outspoken idiots you're probably surrounded by at bars and that come up to you on the street.

Are there any guys you have a crush on in your college? How about in your home town? If you do, just shoot them an email or ask them out to a harmless coffee. When youre back at school ask a cute guy for some help on a homework assignment. The ones that you will like are probably just as shy as you are. Remember, guys are just as insecure and shy as you are... maybe not all of them but the nice well-spoken ones often are. As for those loud mouthed ones that ask you out... just say yes. The social interactment will be good for you, even if he's not.

Also, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. You're cute, you're smart, you have goals in life... focus on yourself and bottom line: DONT SETTLE. Dont hook up with the next loser that asks you out, just go out with him and have fun. Learn some lessons and move on.

"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"

Please stop putting yourself down. Look at what you wrote:
I have struggled with self-image issues
I am shy and introverted
I don't have very many friends
I have never been approached
My standards were too high
I'm clueless about dating
I always meet the wrong guys
It's pretty sad

You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else!!

First of all, I think you need some counselling because you seem really down on yourself. And the thing with flirting is that practice makes perfect. Casually flirt with different men you interact with on a daily basis. Example: the guy serving you coffee, the guy at the bank, etc... Just to get yourself used to doing it and feeling more comfortable doing so. I think the 'practice makes perfect' thing applies here. Because you are so shy, you just need to get more comfortable with social interactions. This means doing something often. With women, try complimenting them on their appearance or clothing (but be genuine). Also, be a good listener and ask people appropriate questions about themselves and then appear genuinely interested in their answer. Have an open posture and smile often, smiling makes you seem approachable. Men are more attracted to women who seem comfortable in their own skin and know how to laugh and have fun. Men are immediately turned off if a woman gives off a 'desperate' vibe, and believe me, they can smell desperation a mile away. Confidence is attractive!!!! Join a team, class or group, something that you would like to learn about. Getting good at small talk takes practice, it is the first step towards making friends and meeting potential boyfriends. You could also go out on dates with men that you may not initially feel attracted to, just to get some practice with dating. Remember that being with a man will not ultimately make you happy if you are not now. Only you can make yourself happy.
Good luck to you.

I used to be in your situation. I had one boyfriend when I was 16 and that was short lived. Then I was single until I was 22. I spent so much time thinking there must be something wrong with me. I developed an eating disorder and got ridiculously skinny, and spent two years hooking up with all the guys who thought I was hot- and I still couldn't figure out why no one wanted to date me.

Everyone is right- you absolutely have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. I got into counseling, took some medication, and even gained some weight (!). And now I've been dating a great guy for over two years, who tells me I'm beautiful and amazing every day, and we're even talking marriage.

Be patient and try making yourself into a person you can love-with or without a man. After that, you'll find that it comes easy.

Others have already given great advice on how to get dates. Allow me to contribute a pep talk to pump you up.

Girl, the societal expectations that people are "supposed to" do certain things at certain ages (like "date by 21 or you're weird") are full of crap, ok? I hate that it makes awesome people like you feel bad about yourselves. Yes, you're awesome! You don't fall into that all too popular trap of just going with Mr. Convenient. Which makes you leaps and bounds better than those jackasses who keep stringing someone along while actually looking for something better, because they have codependency issues and heaven forbid they're ever alone! You recognize that you're tired of being alone, but dammit, you have standards. This is good!

When anyone gives you crap about being single at 21 (Oh noes, the horrors!), you go ahead and tell them they're full of crap. Even if they are your parents.

You're cute, you're smart, and you want to date someone worthy! Go get 'em!

Your situation is not as uncommon as you think! I didn't start dating my current (and who I count as my first) boyfriend until I was 21. It takes time, but you definitely need to get involved with some activities/clubs going on at your student union. Or study groups!

You've pointed out all the reasons why you're not (open to) dating anyone:

-> low self esteem, standards 'too high' (how will you know if a guy meets your standards if you can't even get past hello?), don't know where to meet people, worried about what other people think (your parents, societal norms)...

I'm a firm believer in that if you work on yourself, everything else will follow. If you are a happier and more confident person, this will create a ripple effect in your life and soon great things will happen for you. You have to learn not to doubt yourself, don't be so negative, stop making excuses - all the usual things you can read in any self help book.

How you get there is up to you, you just have to recognise that something has to change.

Confidence. You don't have it and boys will see that.

Also, don't let a single thing your parents say to you affect you.

My roommate is 24 and has never had a boyfriend. There's nothing wrong with being in your 20s and still single. What you need to do first is gain confidence. Things will fall into place once you learn to love yourself and let the people around you know how great of a person you think you are by exuding that confidence.

Tidalwave I couldn't have said it better.

21 is so young! I know when you ARE 21, it doesn't feel that way, but believe me! How many people do you know who have had serious, long-lasting relationships before that age, anyway? The other posters are right: you need to feel better about yourself for your own good first, and also because guys are turned off by a lack of confidence. Have your parents actually said they think you're "weird," or could you maybe be projecting a little? If they've actually said that, though, wow. They are not being very supportive, and you should just tune that noise out!

You just need some confidence! No one is going to want to get involved with you if you don't have any confidence. Also, if you end up getting into a relationship, if you don't have any confidence it could definitely hurt the relationship.

You have your own problems to work out before you try to start dating. Love yourself, then worry about loving someone else.

take your time, theres no rush.

You dont need a boyfriend to make you feel special: love yourself - that is true happiness!

Hey theres nothing wrong with having high standards. I had never been in a relationship till I turned 23, just like you its not like I had never been approached.I just wanted to wait. He's a great guy and we have completed 1.5 years now. Others are right. you have to love yourself. When soemone gives you a hard time just tell them that your waiting for teh right guy and you wont go out with some random guy just because you dont want to be single. That's ridiculous.
About not having many friends I agree with Janine's advice about complimenting people. I used to be quiet when I was 16. I started opening up more. I started striking up conversations and by the time I was 21 I had gotten over my shyness and had a lot of friends- guys as well as girls. You need to start out with the girls first. That will give you more confidence. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are still young and you have to remember things are not the same for vereyone. there is a time and place for everything. Chill !!!

100% agree with previous posters: you gotta love yourself first, be confident, be happy about yourself, find out who you are before you can have a *successful* relationship.

Now, the thing to keep in mind here is that you most likely won't run into your knight in shining armor on your first date. Thus it's okay if you don't quite know who you are yet - being in a relationship not only helps you define it, it also lets you evaluate your standards and find out what you *really* want (and not want) in a guy.
However, until you don't have the feeling that you're happy with your life, don't be looking. Reason being that you could run into abusive and/or manipulative jerks that shape you in ways beneficial to them, knowing that you're rather easy to manipulate at this point.

Also, please don't think that being in a relationship is all happy-go-lucky-time. Relationships can be draining, cost money and time, distract you from studies, and so on. Sure they can be fun as well but you're currently building the fundament of your own future - don't let some guy ruin that by distracting you from it. I'm speaking of experience (though from the other side of the fence).

So how to become confident? My advice would be to be(come) a good student - great grades boost your self-confidence as you have written proof of your abilities. Also, do something in your spare time that makes *you* happy: attend courses/classes that interest you. Or if money is tight, join a college group of your liking. Hint: dancing is great fun! Martial arts are also great because they give you self-confidence in more than one way even.

Last thing from me on this: there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Everyone has his/her own pace and you'd be a fool for trying to change yours. And whatever you do, DO NOT TAKE PILLS OF ANY KIND. Whatever drug they may contain, it is a drug and will alter your personality as you're still young and not sure of who you really are. Seeing a therapist is also not needed in my opinion.
You're smart and have common sense - make use of that

I've been there. I didn't start dating my first (and current) boyfriend until I was 23. He was also my first date, but for a while I also wondered if I'd ever meet anyone. But instead of just telling you "you'll find someone when you stop looking" (which is the most frustrating advice ever!), I'll tell you what I think made a difference for me. When I first met him, I'd just weighed myself and randomly discovered I'd lost 10 pounds (I'm really tall, so it's not a lot for me). I'd never really been self-conscious about my weight before, but just knowing this made me feel more confident and a little more free in my exchanges with guys. Not that you would need to lose weight or anything, but I think finding something that makes you feel great about yourself (new haircut, new outfit or whatever) could really help. Also, I think it really takes lowering your standards a bit. I was the same with the high standards, but once I was just willing to date and let someone pursue me, I actually really liked someone I wouldn't normally give the time of day (and didn't like actually the first time I met him). Hope this helps! Good luck

I agree with all of the previous posters. There is absolutely no way you can find a great guy without having confidence in yourself. If you don't think you're great, then what guy (one that isn't an *sshole just wanting to get into your jeans) is going to want to take the time to get to know you?

I have had that same problem. I had my first (and current) boyfriend at 19; years after it was considered socially normal to start dating. Don't fret about what everyone else is doing. Honestly, the worst thing you can do is start comparing yourself to other people because you'll never be happy with yourself.

I think you should stop counting the days that you haven't had a boyfriend and start living your life as a happy and confident woman. Why don't you use this time without the attachment of a beau to better yourself? Meet new friends, spend time with old ones, and start loving yourself! I promise you that once you stop focusing on meeting the perfect guy, you'll probably meet one. If you keep expecting to meet a potential boyfriend, you never will.

First off, I don't think there's anything wrong with being single or never having a boyfriend at your age (no matter what ANYONE says), but I CAN understand the feelings that come with it. I was 20 when I started dating my boyfriend and he is my first ever. I was never very concerned about dating in high school because, well, most of the guys I knew were immature as hell, and the fact that I was really awkward in high school when it came to guys. It can be incredibly lonely, but I'm actually thankful now that I was awkward in the past because it lead to me meeting my BF at a better time in my life where I was more comfortable with myself and knew what I wanted. I was incredibly lucky--yes, I waited a long time, but I waited for the right guy.

It is really difficult to sort of take that first step towards approaching a guy, or hell-even just putting yourself in a place to BE approached, but it does get easier. I suppose my advice would be to not immediately judge a book by its cover because it could actually be pretty surprising under that layer of "guy-ness" and try searching out people with the same hobbies as you. Maybe a club you've seen at school or even just something in your town. So if you DO meet someone you like, you already have a jumping off point as far as common interests go. Also, I know it's not easy, but making an effort to try to be positive about yourself really does make an impression on other people. A lot of people find confidence to be very attractive, so I suppose think about that and take all the wonderful advice people have given you to heart.

Good luck!

Relax, you're only 21. I had my first boyfriend at age 24.
But what I could say is----stop putting yourself down and at the same expect too much from your standards. How do you balance that? It's confusing even to others and to us ---you think of yourself low but you demand somebody to be with you that meet your standards and ideals. You have to be self-confident and self-assured before you could expect the best from others. And do not limit yourself to your "boxed set of standards" because you might miss out those genuinely loving men who don't fit your standards.

Also do not rush. Enjoy every moment that you spend time socializing with friends and other people. If you expect each guy to be somebody whom you're going to date, you might get frustrated if you find out he's not the one you want to date. As for me, I find my man because I stopped looking for a man. It was magical when we both realized we are meant for each other. So enjoy your youth, and no need to rush.

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart"

There's nothing wrong with you at all. I can tell you from experience that waiting for the right person to come along is much better than just getting out there and jumping into a pool of people and wasting time. I know what it's like to want to be in a relationship, especially when it seems liek everyone else your age is, but don't rush things. If you are the type ofperson who has high standards then keep them, that way you are sure you end up with the kind of person you really want to be with instead of just someone to fill a space. If you are shy don't push yourself beyond your own boundaries too much, Just try to stay open to new people and new things. If you have a chance don't be afraid to grab it, but don't feel like you have to make things happen. When it's time you will find someone and they will see you for who you are and love that because you will be special and just right for them too.

I'm 21 as well and have only had two boyfriends. I agree with bransugar,many times dating casually is just a waste of time. Trust me! You talked about your standards being too high...don't ever lower your standards! I think you should focus on yourself and do things that make you feel beautiful. I know you're at home for the summer so take this time to focus on yourself and what you have to offer. Spend time with your friends at home, learn what you love about your family, and what you love about yourself. Build your confidence and when you go back to school I'm sure some will notice. Depending on your comfort level, ask the cute guy to share notes with you when you miss class or tell him you want to make sure you got all the notes, make casual "hello! how are you?" converstaion with the guy that works at the coffee shop,or say hello to your neighbors. Someone is sure to notice and if they turn you down(the cute guy in class) don't worry about it. He's probably still bitter from a girl that turned him down...not your fault! I'm sure you have plenty to offer. Everyone is great in there own way. At the right time someone will come along who thinks that you're great! You never find someone to date when you're looking for it.

I feel you there, sista! I don't have much advice for you but all the other ladies who posted before me have some great ideas. Good luck!

Hmm, I just went back and read through all of the comments. It may be kinda hard for you to just 'be confident', it's one of those things that are easier said than done for us shy folk. Something that has worked for me is something that one of my best friends told me, just pretend that they're me. Don't get nervous about how that guy will react when you say something. Just pretend that they're one of your closest friends, or like a brother. You just gotta fake it til you make it. Give the best performance that you can. My mother told me that actually-- just go out there and pretend that you ARE Miss Confidence, and sooner or later, you'll believe it yourself. Don't let anyone's negative comments get to you. Just tell yourself that that person doesn't know crap and they're just blowing a lot of hot air around lol

I've just been realizing that this past year(my first year of college), there really were some great guys that were interested in me but I was way too shy to believe that they wanted to be more than friends. And I totally messed up those opportunities, I kinda sabotaged them before they even started. And now that I look back on it, I know what I did wrong and I know that I won't make those mistakes in the future. There may be some great guys out there who really like you and even gave you some hints but you were too shy to notice them.

And if 'being confident' sounds like a huge obstacle right now, try to think of it instead as 'not being insecure'. Take baby steps until you feel like you're ready. Everyone moves at a different pace

Wow, I guess I had more to say than I thought... just wanted to let you know that you're not alone!

I am a firm believer of NOT SETTLING. Just 8 short months ago I found the person whom I think it's the one for me. Trust me that before then it was one catastrophe after another and those were very much spaced out... I have never lowered my standards and I still won’t, even for this special someone. One learns to compromise, but there are certain things you know you want/deserve and any less won’t make you happy. I don’t get the girl that always NEEDS to be attached. I think it's more about finding the right person and that one does come to you when you least expect it. As others said, work on you and the rest will fall into place.

"Did I tell you how divinely and utterly happy I am? " - Holly Golightly

Its amazing how easily we bow to the idea of social norms and expectations. What is so wrong with not having a boyfriend at 21? I personally have gone for periods where I din't have a formal relationship for years. Better 21 and single than 21 with a loser who doesn't deserve you. And I'm sorry but most college guys are not exactly great boyfriend material, you probably don't want most of the guys you go to school with or who are in your age group anyways - Trust me.

I definitely agree with the other posters who said you need to focus on feeling better about yourself. I think the old adage "How can you love someone when you don't love yourself" is totally true. And I think right now you need to work on you alot more than you need a relationship.

That being said if you are still serious about meeting someone how about clubs, hobbies, extra-curricular activities. Best way to start off a new relationship is with someone who has common interests or goals.

i am your age, and until 20 i never really dated anyone. people got crushes on me, but those were the guys in whom i had no relationship interest. remember, everyone is different, has different circumstances, etc. so you have to find out what's your circumstance, who you are, and where you want to be. i didn't start dating until i moved to europe for a year. i think this was because i didn't feel constrained to being the shy, weird person i am, and instead was just completely myself, because no one had seen anything else of me. i also had better conversations with people in certain cities and countries, etc., cause i wasn't surrounded by frat guys or nerds or people i've known in my town since forever.

i'm not saying go to europe, but what i'm saying is that when you feel your life is too stagnant, instigate change. not just your hair or something. change something about yourself by setting a new goal. a new workout routine, new friends, an extracurricular opportunity at your school, something that puts you in an entirely new situation. new challenges builds character and can generate more self-respect and self-worth. think big and big things will happen.

also, don't think your situation is weird, it's not.

'Remember, guys are just as insecure and shy as you are'

As a guy I can second this. You may have to become more proactive, rather than reactive, as unromantic as that seems.

Like some people previously said, maybe before you can work on any relationships, you should work on how you see yourself. Confidence is a big aspect in meeting men, if you have none, don't expect to get noticed. Don't be cocky, but don't be so down on yourself either. After you've worked on your self-image a bit, ignore your standards for a bit! I mean, don't completely lower them, but put them out of your mind for a little while. Take a chance with someone you don't exactly see yourself with. Who knows, maybe it'll work out better than you thought.

Relationships, as well as finding one, are all about confidence, a bit of risk-taking and of course that attraction. Work on the first two, and you'll have what you want sooner than you think.

I am also 21 and never had a boyfriend. After I read what you wrote I had a small shock. Because you wrote exactly what i would have. On one side, I was sort of glad that there is somebody out there like me, that I am not alone. I understand what you are felling, being alone, wondering when you are going to meet somebody. Unfortunately I can not give you any advices, because I am in the same situation. I just wanted you too to know that you are not alone, that you are not weird.

I know how you feel...

I am 20 and have never been in a serious relationship. Its also hard for me to meet guys. I go to a community college and haven't met many people. Also I KNOW I have high standards. Just tell yourself that if you've waited for the fist 20 something years of your life you can wait a couple more.

Oh also... when you stop looking for that person thats when you find them...
or at least thats what iv'e heard.

The most infuriating words in the woman's english language "You'll find love when you stop looking for it" but also very true words.

I know they're annoying and they seem like they dont make sense and it's almost impossible to stop looking for love sometimes! Hell, everytime you talk to a nice, cute guy you think "Could he be the one??" but what those words mean is that when you are so exhausted looking for love that the one night you go out just looking to dance and have fun with your friends you'll meet the guy. When you meet him you wont think "is he the one?" you'll think "So not in the mood for flirting right now!" and instead of coming off desperate and lonely and needy and love-sick you'll come off cool, calm, collected and untouchable which will cause the guy to become totally infatuated with you.

Another way to say "You'll find love when you stop looking for it" is "when you stop desperately searching for a man, a man will find you"

Good luck!

"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"

I'd just like to say that you are not the only one and there are people like you or even worse.

Look here: http://www.neverhadaboyfriend.com

I am in your exact situation. Twenty and never had a boyfriend. I'm smart, beautiful, and charismatic, but recently I was looking at myself as weird or abnormal for never being in a relationship. My aunt even asked me if I was a lesbian. I'm straight but that made me feel like something is wrong with me. Even though there isn't and wouldn't be if I was a lesbian. I decided my first step was gaining confidence. So now I've changed my attitude and view myself as being special instead of weird and abnormal. I really think I am special and you should see yourself as special too. You are unique and is it really such a good thing to be a girl whos had 500 boyfriends? Take the first step because you're worth it. I know it's lonely right now but if you take the right steps then you won't be for long. Also I want to add that "the grass is always greener on the other side." I have a married with children friend who I can tell is jealous that I'm a young single woman who gets to flirt and not have any responsibilities. So create opportunities to meet guys or where your in a social setting, put a smile on your face, remember you are special and unique, get dressed up (it will be good for your self confidence and mental state because a girl needs to feel pretty inside and out), and remember you have a lot of time!

Oh ya and I've heard that most guys meet their girlfriends through their friends... So if you have some gal pals than start meeting their guy friends, or focus on creating more friends (girl and guy) because not only will they have male friends for you to meet they can support you when you feel lonely and remind you to have some fun...after all you are 21 sweetheart. Remember no one is perfect, no guy out there is or you for that matter. Flaws are beautiful.

Hi everyone.
I read all your posts and I understand you...
I'm also 21 (soon to be 22) and I have never had a real boyfriend, unless you count dating someone for a month a boyfriend. Somehow however I lost IT to a guy one summer night but since then I haven't had sex with anyone. That was approximately 2 years ago. I feel like the longer I go without sex the easier it gets.
Don't you hate it when people ask you, oh why don't you have a boyfriend yet?
I'm sorry I wish I could write more but I felt I had to let this little bit out. I just spent the last hour or so crying and agonizing over why I'm alone and haven't had a boyfriend. It might have to do with being in the middle of exams and PMS but so be it.

We are totally in the same boat. 21 and never had a boyfriend. Now, my self-esteem isn't so great. I mean, I have been blessed with a very supporting family, and a very small group of girl friends that are there when I need them. But I'm tired of being lonely. I have been on dates with 3 guys before, but they were all under-achievers, pompous, and unattractive. I don't mean to sound mean, but I really think I can do better than the guys that have approached me. I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm not drop dead gorgeous, either. The only real attention I've been getting lately is nasty construction workers whistling at me on the way to class. Which, by the way, does absolutely nothing for my self-esteem. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I need to boost my self-esteem/self-efficacy. But I don't even know where to begin to do that. Because I've never had a boyfriend. This is a vicious cycle, and I cannot get out of it. Please help.

College Athlete, Runner up in my high school homecoming, lots of great friends, lots of date offers.....22...Single. I had one boyfriend in high school for 2 years, since then I've been single and love the independence. I have so many friends in mentally abusive relationships, cheating, over protective, drop their friends to hang out with their boyfriend....I'm always the one to help them because I'm the strong, independent woman that they turn to because they know their weaker and need my advice. I have my days where I wonder, then I remember I shouldn't care about what others think, and that being single is not a bad thing. I would much rather be single, making connections with other people and out having fun, then crying in my bedroom about how my bf cheated on me. That is all too damaging, and I'm going to wait for the right person. I don't believe in dating. I can tell if someone is right for me pretty quick and that is a good trait to have. I'm not going to let other people dictate how I view myself or pressure me into doing something that I don't want to. I know who I am and I'm proud of it! Hang in there, there are so many single people out there... just be yourself and NEVER EVER EVER SETTLE for less than what you DESERVE.

I have to add that I do go on a lot of the dates that I'm asked on and I ask guys out too...I just haven't found the right person, someone that I like enough to be in a relationship with. I didn't want to sound like I turn down every date, or that I'm better than anyone. I look on the inside of people, their personality and their interests. Just to clear that up!