My best friend asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding, and of course, I accepted without hesitation. The maid of honor and my best friend's mother planned the bachelorette party, but only days before the scheduled party date. The other bridesmaids live several hours away and because of the last-minute planning were unable to come. It also happened to fall on my grandmother's birthday. My grandfather recently passed away with cancer, and since then my grandmother has been having a very difficult time. I felt that I should be there for my grandmother (who is turning 74), especially since this is the first one since my grandfather passed away. 
The day of the bachelorette party, my best friend's mom called and asked me to reconsider. She said my friend's feelings were hurt because only two bridesmaids were able to go. She also said that this was a "once in a lifetime" thing, and that birthdays can be celebrated every year. Now, my best friend and her mother are mad at me because I didn't go to the party. Obviously I couldn't control the fact that the other bridesmaids couldn't go. Not to mention, my friend has two bridal showers coming up this month, I assured them I would be at and happy to help with. But apparently that wasn't good enough.
Was I so wrong to pass up on an all-night drinking/clubbing fest for the sake of celebrating my widowed grandmother's birthday? I understand that this was a special event for my friend, but my family is important to me. What would you all do in a situation like this?
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Theory
Esprit
Vanessa Bruno
I would have done the same thing and would expect my BEST friend to understand. Sadly it's not so much a "once in a lifetime" thing these days, but i hope it is for your friend!
1Tell them to quit whining (don't, but they're being b*tches). I do not understand what the big deal is with bachelorette parties anyway. She's getting a bridal shower and the wedding, I don't understand how many parties someone needs in their honor. You had a valid reason to not go to the party, and I don't think you should have to drop everything for her Holy Highness the bride. You can arrange a girl's day/night out any time.
2I agree with the above posters. She should have planned better and included everyone in on the planning so that the date worked for everyone. Not you fault, blood is thicker then water.
"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"
3If I were you, I'd get the two of them face to face.
Find a quiet place with just the three of you.
Then look them both in the eye, and say "I couldn't make it because you guys let me know the date too late. I had already made plans to be there for my grandmother. By the way, losing your husband is a once in a life time thing as well. If this was so important, you should have planned it earlier. I'm sorry that it didn't work out, and I'll try to be there for the other events. But it is unfair if you two are going to hold it against me."
If she is a good friend, she shouldn't even be upset at you. Disappointed, maybe, but she should be a lot more considerate than this.
Protect your heart until you find someone who can do it better than you.
4Leave your grandma and everyone else out of this. Send a heartfelt letter (or e-mail) saying something like this. "Thank you so much for planning the bachelorette party. I regret that I wasn't able to attend - however, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about planning ahead. With just a little more notice, my attendance could have been arranged. I hope you understand."
Do NOT apologize.
5It's sad that your best friend and her mother can't understand where you're coming from - it's very selfish. I think she has the right to be disappointed and angry at the CIRCUMSTANCES, as it is SITUATIONAL, but not at YOU. You definitely made the right decision. Plus, the fact that she has two more bridal showers coming up and that you're going to be at and helping out with both should completely make up for your absence at the bachelorette party - not that you need to apologize for that at all. I'm sorry to say this, but you might want to reconsider your friendship if she's going to be this insensitive due to her own fault. If she really wanted you to be there, she would have picked a date that would work for everyone and not expected everyone to turn up wherever and whenever at her beck and call. That's just selfish and rude.
6First, a bachelorette part is not a "once in a lifetime" event. Second, your grandmother's 74th birthday is. If they cannot understand that your family is more important than a party, they are shallow and selfish.
It's their fault plans were made late. They should have been more accomodating to everyone's schedules. Let them be mad at you. You have your life and her "once in a lifetime" event might end up in divorce anyway, so you'll get the second chance to have another "once in a lifetime" event with her in the future.
7Luisa - That was brilliant. I need to master the art of not apologizing.
8It really aggravates me when everyone gets so caught up in all the pre-wedding crap and makes it all out to be so damn important. I'm sorry, but the WEDDING is what matters. Yes, people throw a LOT of stuff -- I had three showers and two bachelorette parties -- none of what I asked for -- and my bridesmaids came to what parts they could. None of my showers had all my bridesmaids, some lived far enough away that they didn't make it to any of them, and you know what? I had fun at everything REGARDLESS of whether or not specific bridesmaids could come, and I had the best time at the wedding, because everyone was there.
9You should NOT feel guilty, because you put an emotionally ailing family member first. A wedding is a once-in-a-lifetime event that shouldn't be missed. Going out and getting drunk with your friends isn't. You can always offer to take her out for dinner for a fun night for just the two of you, but you should NOT feel guilty, and you do NOT need to apologize any more than you already have for your actions. You will be there for her at the wedding when she marries the love her her life, and that is what really matters!
who has a bachelorette party that far in advance from the wedding? most people i know had their bachelor/ette parties in the week before the wedding, not before all the bridal showers.
10Yeah that is absolutely ridiculous. I'm not sure if there's anything left to add to what's been said above, it's all good advice. If it were me, in a situation like this, I'd probably break down and just apologize to get the drama over with, but that's just me being a wuss. I think luisamapacha had a great solution.
11Sorry to be so blunt, but f*ck 'em. Family IS more important and they of all people should know that.
12Luisa, you're my hero!!! lol...
But seriously, I've always learned that blood is thicker than water. To say the least, if she was really a good friend, she wouldn't throw a temper tantrum because you tended to someone who's been there for you all your life that is one of the reasons you're in existence (i.e. your grandmother).
I feel bad for her future husband.
13f*ck that whiny selfish egotistical bride. Luisa is absolutely right - do NOT apologize!
14she could have gone afterwards and met her friends...i doubt her grandmother's birthday lasted until 3am
15What I'd like to know is since almost no one could attend on the set date, why on earth they wouldn't reschedule the bachelorette party...
16Did you actually spend the day with your grandma? If you did I hope you guys had fun.
If I had the same situation and I was close with my grandma I would have tried to spend the day with her. Hopefully, my grandma would want that.
17You absolutely made the right choice to be there for your grandmother. You shouldn't have to apologize to your best friend for something like this?
18You may suggest to the bride and her mother that you have another party later when everyone can attend especially if you've got a little while before the wedding. That way everyone can attend and have fun. If your best friend still doesn't get it than she's not much of a best friend and you don't really want her as a friend.
Offer a go out and get drunk with your friend (and possibly the other bridesmaids) some other time to make for it. If that's not enough for her, outright tell her that she planned it too last minute, you wanted to be with your grandmother in her difficult time and she's totally selfish if she can't understand that. She won't like it, but maybe it'll finally dawn on her that she's being a complete bridezilla.
19I would bow out of the wedding party, I seriously have no tolerance for this crap. I don't get why she didn't reschedule the party if no one could go? If the point of the party is to have fun with your friends, why not ask around and find a good time for them? Throwing a party a couple days before the date in unacceptable.
20you did nothing wrong - and if they try to say something or bring it up again - let them know how rude it was for them to decide to throw a party at the last minute and not ask any of the other bridesmaids for input or to at least ask if the date would be alright with everyone. and besides you weren't the only one AND she's having like two more bridal showers?!!! um hello -- whats the problem?
21i think that sometimes wedding just bring the worse out of people - especially of the bride and sometimes the momzillas as well.. .eww.
Your friend & her mom sound like idiots. How selfish is that? Who in their right mind would want to keep you away from your grandmother on her birthday, especially the first one after your grandfather passed. If she were a true friend, there would never have been an issue.
I don't know why it always amazes me that there are people out there who think the world revolves around them.
I'm glad you were with your grandmother instead. Grandmothers are special & important.
Your friend sounds like a dud.
22I would have probably tried to make it to both, but if that was impossible I would have encouraged her to reschedule her bachelorette party. Sounds like there was plenty of time left before the wedding. It also sounds like your friend is the type of woman who likes drama, and that's probably why she didn't reschedule. She wanted something to b*tch about.
I totally agree with Louisa. DO NOT APOLOGIZE!
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