Dear Sugar,
My husband and I have been married for over a year. We have a sturdy relationship except that I'm very insecure about a particular ex of his. When we first got together, they were still friends and he flirted a little with her when he saw her. Since then, he's managed to practically tell me everything about her: how much she pays in rent, her car payment, and many other details that only someone very close to her would know. Every time we're out in public I can't help but notice that he constantly seems to be looking around as if he's waiting for her to walk in.
I used to not be so paranoid! What is wrong with me? This is driving me emotionally crazy. I can't talk to him about any of this because he tells me I'm acting totally irrationally. What can I do?
— Insecure Ingrid
To see DearSugar's answer, read more.
Dear Insecure Ingrid,
Regardless of whether or not you're just being paranoid, the fact is that you're having a difficult time coping and that alone requires deeper digging. First of all, your husband needs to address your concerns rather than just accuse you of being irrational. Something about his relationship with his ex is negatively affecting you so much that it's damaging your relationship — it should be an easy task for him to simply stop mentioning the details about her life.
As far as what you can do on your own, try not to assume the worst — don't let paranoia turn a simple glance into something more than innocent. If you can work on toning down your suspicions, it will give you the opportunity to listen to your gut — our instincts are the most valuable tool in a relationship if we can just learn how to trust them. If you're still convinced something is going on or if your husband refuses to acknowledge your worries then I would seriously consider seeking the help of a therapist before things get out of hand. Talking it out with a professional may help to reveal specifically where your insecurities are coming from and let you see the whole picture more clearly.
S'Oliver
Urban Outfitters
Morgan
Umm maybe he just likes to look around. What makes you think he's looking for HER?
1You and your husband should try distancing yourselves from her. why are you seeing her so often anyways? And besides you should always remember that he is with You now not her. And of course you MUST talk with him and tell him that it is really bothering you and that you're really worried that he is giving her more attention.
Maybe when or if you do see her again you should be all over him so she will know who he belongs to that should send the message.
2He tells you that you're being irrational?
Maybe he somehow said it in a nicer way than the "you stupid little woman with your tiny brain, I'll keep doing what I'm doing and if you don't like it you can suck it" way that I'm imagining. But my gut reaction to that was "What. A. Jackass."
3It's not necessarily that I think there's anything substantial behind your fears (but from the info you gave I don't think you sound irrational), but the fact that he's so dismissive of your feelings seems like the greater issue. Maybe he's trying to deflect the issue so he doesn't have to address your concerns. Or maybe he's the type of man who doesn't cheat but flirts with other women and kind of leads them on to make himself feel better.
But seriously, if he was flirting with an ex in front of you and knew intimate details about her life when you two had only just gotten together, WHY would you marry him?
4It is my belief, that if a certain person is causing strife in your relationship, that person should be dropped from your life. Harsh, but helpful. Are you under the impression that he's already done this? If not, you need to speak with your husband about your insecurities concerning his ex, and see that he does do this. If you or your husband truly care about the relationship, it should be the most important thing, not making his ex feel bad, or being able to hold onto a "friendship" with an ex. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, it should be taken seriously by your husband.
5If you know all of these intimate details about her and this has always been a concern... why did you marry him?
Maybe he needs therapy or something to get her dropped out of his life. Do you know how many previous relationships he has had? Has he done this with other ones? Does she encourage this behaviour or indicate that she wants him back?
I would personally take a step back from the whole thing but you are married which means you are in this for thick and thin (remember those vows...) so you should try marriage counselling or something. Anybody who would disrespect you by saying you are irrational is not good enough anyway?
6I am of the opinion that if someone was interfering in my marriage then that person would no longer be a part of my life. No matter how much "history" I might have with an ex, I made my choice when I married my husband, he is my priority.
I was just telling a friend the same thing, she wants to marry her bf but she was talking to(and about him CONSTANTLY to me, and her bf HAD to know) her high school ex who made no secret that he was in love with her and wanted her to leave her bf for him. She and her bf fought all the time about it. I told her that if she ever expected her bf to want to get married then she needed to ACT like they were already married and respond to this ex like he was trying to interfer with her marriage.
I think youre husband is stroking his ego by having this ex still hanging around and in this case that is not ok.
7I would be paranoid if i were you, i wouldnt blame you. that just shows that you love your husband A LOT & cant afford to lose him, needless to say.
I think he should seriously stay away from his ex. You are pretty right abt how only a close friend would know so much abt her personal problems. I would go with DearSugar's advice.
8I'm kind of wondering why you married him if he treats you like this. First off, you are not being irrational. The fact that he is telling you that you are, seems like he is just trying to sweep it under the rug. WHY is he talking about her so much to you? Don't you look at him like he has three heads as he's gushing to you all of her personal business as if it's not a big deal?
My question is, who left who in their relationship and what was the reason for the split? He tells you so much about her does he give you any info regarding their break up?
I feel really bad saying this, but your husband sounds like a jerk and I think you need to talk to him about this immediately. Why should you keep quiet about something that is bothering you this much? Your talking about the man you MARRIED, not your neighbor
9Yeah i'm wondering why you married him too.
I doubt that he is looking around waiting for her. But I have been in this situation with a boyfriend who couldn't let go of his ex and I know it is hard. I would just sit him down and ask him why she is so important in his life?
Do you keep a relationship with any of your exes? Figure out why or why not and explain to him why you love him over your exes and why you no longer care about their lives. Maybe he'll realize that something is wrong with him!
But you know what, he married you, not her. Obviously he loves you and wants to be with you, not her.
10As much as I would like to write this guy off as a stupid insensitive jerk, he may just be clueless. I can totally understand why you are paranoid ( although I doubt he is really looking around waiting for her to pop up). It seems to us as women that the natural thing to do is NEVER to talk about an ex to your current girlfriend/ fiance/ wife. The thing is a lot of guys don't see it this way. They live by the whole "I'm with you now so you should know I love you and she isn't a threat" rule. And while this reasoning is rational it doesn't really work when trying to make someone feel secure in their relationship. I think maybe if you try to talk to him again and explain exactly why you feel the way you do, he may just finally see that your feelings are not irrational and even if they are, they are FEELINGS so they aren't always going to be rational. If he loves you he'll listen and if not then it's really time to be suspicious.
11what a timely post... i've been dealing with a similar situation for the last few months... my bf's ex is causing some serious drama in our normally calm, loving relationship... we've been dating for 6 months now and his ex's calls have started to increase exponentially... i've been trying to trust my bf cause he IS, afterall, with me now, but she calls 2 much! i've finally put my foot down and said that i don't want her calling here anymore... i guess the chick is mentally unstable (for real) and she got all upset, which caused more drama... what bothers me about them talking is that i know she still has feelings for him and thinks, since she was the one who broke it off, that she can get him back when she wants... i'm a girl, i know her game... and of course my bf still "cares" about all his exes, so he doesn't want to hurt her feelings... but what about MY feelings! His ex knows that if she calls up crying or needs to urgently talk, that my bf will give her the attention she wants... all in all, it's been drama and needs to stop... its one thing to have a casual, strictly friends kind of relationship- with the occasional email or short phone call/text to catch up... but completely another ballgame when your bo is talking to his ex several times a week, flirting (no matter how mild), and making you suspicious...grrrr!
12A certain level of paranoia is fairly normal in relationship. Make sure your husband really understands your concern. If he's not willing to listen and calls you irrational again, you should take that as a warning.
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