I think that you need to just completely open up to them about how controlling and abusive your ex was. No one will be able to try to understand unless you explain what a bad situation you were in. Maybe you could write one email and send it to everyone? Those who respond are those who are forgiving people. I hope you have or are currently getting counselling. Also, try to learn from this that the people that love you can sometimes see things that you cannot about a bf, when you are blinded by love. Never let another man control you or let you throw away your friends again. I think also you should explain to your friends how regretful you feel at missing their important life events. Good luck to you.

Heyyy that's what friends are for! Your actions towards your friends definitely weren't admirable, but you did have a reason (not excuse) for acting the way you did. But you need to be very clear on exactly what you did wrong (and why!!) and what you will do to change this. Thank them for their emails and their concern and tell them what you told us in this question. Maybe either do the group email idea, or if it is feasible, invite them over to a little party at your house. Friends come and go throughout life, but I think friendships also can wax and wane. You can go years without talking to someone, but reuniting feels great!

i think if you explain to your friends how you were in a horrible relationship, they will forgive you. they would be heartless not to

and just remember for next time, no "good" man would isolate you from your friends

Sounds exactly like my best friend. If you talk to your friends and tell them that you are sorry and that you made a mistake than they should forgive you. You might have to beg and explain things and tell them that they are right over and over again but wouldn't it be worth it to have your friends back? If it happens again then you'll lose all your friends for sure. Don't let a man come between you and your friends, especially not a controlling one.

It's so sad that this is so common. Many abusers stake their claim on their partners by isolating them from their family and friends. I'm glad you got out of that relationship and got some perspective. You do have a lot of rebuilding to do, but the people who were truly your friends will come around. Good luck!

I guess I forgive...but I don't forget.

In all honesty even after forgiving you I probably wouldn't want anything to do with you. I can't rely on people than need to go thru hell and drag everyone with them to end up always apologizing.

I totally understand your situation. I was in basically the same one. My ex was so controlling and verbally abusive and I stopped going out with my friends and talking to most of them. Thank goodness that we both got out of that situation. For me, I was lucky because I was in college at the time and I lived with my best friend. So as distant as we became, I still saw her and she knew firsthand the situation I was in. So when it was over, she knew how much I'd been through and she was just happy for me. Her and I have again become much closer- even though we are out of college and live an hour apart now. As for my other friends, again I was lucky because they could all see what was happening. Really try and make the effort to talk to your friends and sincerely apologize. Explain the situation and how low you were mentally (it is so hard to explain that.) Don't give up and promise them (and yourself) you will never be in a relationship or situation like that again. Hopefully they will come around, and if not, unfortunately there's nothing you can do, so do your best to make some new friends. Take some gym classes, anything, and you will make new friends. Good for you for having the strength to get out of that relationship and realize your mistakes! Good luck!

What you need to understand is that your friends have seen this coming from a mile away ... you get into a relationship, completely isolate yourself and crawl back to them when it all falls apart.
They probably don't feel like picking up the pieces, only to lose you again to the next guy that hops along.
Because, judging from experience, girls who have the tendency to completely lose themselves in a relationship, will do this over and over again. They have a boyfriend and *poof* you never see them anymore. It's over and magically they're interested in you again.

I voted forgive, because we all make mistakes and maybe this relationship was enough of a wake up call for you to appreciate the things you had. I like the group email idea, I wouldn't throw them a party, that would be kind of awkward. Just tell them what happened, and don't blame it all on the guy! Yes, I'm sure he was controlling and demanding, but in the end it was you who took the decision to cut them out. If I was your friend I'd be annoyed if you just shoved all the blame for your behaviour on him and called it a day.
An honest sorry should do it, people who are really your friends will forgive you ... Good luck.

Reach out to them, be completely honest with them and then also realize that they may not be as forgiving if it should happen again. Which hopefully it won't because hopefully you've learned from this experience not to get into something like that again. I think deep down the friends would love to have you back, just remember they may need some time to get used to the idea of being friends again. And they may not be as quick to offer support because of being burned in the past. In which case, patience needs to be exercised on both sides. Good luck reuniting with friends.

I think that you should not send the same email out to all your friends. They will think that you must not care that much since you didn't even have the courtesy to reach out to each of them individually. I think that the best thing to do (if you have tried reaching out to your friends already via the phone or in person, and they want nothing to do with you still,) would be to either IM each of them individually or send them individual, personalized e-mails. Good luck!

I think another good thing while you're writing those e-mails is to tell each person why you miss them. Tell special qualities about them that you loved.

It is going to take some time. But I do think you need to send them their own individual e-mail explaining what happened but do not make that an excuse for your behavior. Being a bad friend is never a good thing and nothing excuses that not even an abusive boyfriend. If you have gone to therapy and it sounds like you have tell them what you have learned about yourself and what your doing to change. Like I said it will take some time but those that have a forgiving heart will come back in time.

I would be so angry with you but eventually I would forgive. But still I'd give you a hard time in the beginning.... I'm very resentful when someone cuts me of. Especially when I know when they are doing the wrong thing...
Try to get in touch, good friends should forgive!

Just try your best. If necessary, go see them in person. Really try to explain where you were coming from, but at the same time, understand where they're coming from. If they still don't respond, remember that you did what you could, and move on. These things take time!

Sorry, not forgive. Well, actually, I'm similar to Gossipqueen -- I would forgive, but not reconcile with you.

I find your mindset very selfish. NOW you're ready to be a friend. NOW that you're single, and have more time on your hands, you have room for your friends. NOW your friends mean "everything" to you? Where were you when your friends begged for you?

Also, I love the fact that you blame most of this on your ex-boyfriend. You take little accountability for your poor behavior. It's all HIS fault, like you're an inanimate object. Well, I don't buy it. You think and you feel for yourself, and you went along with that jerk. You directly cut-off your friends over him. You did that, not him.

You met your enemy. It was YOU, not your ex.

Someone like you don't deserve friends.

However, if you are truly remorseful (which is possible), forgive yourself for screwing up. Learn a valuable lesson, and start afresh with new friends. I don't think your former friendships are salvageiable. JMHO.

Would you be able to reassure them that this wouldn't happen again?
That guy clearly had control issues. Next time, don't let him exert them over you.

I've been in this situation - watching one of my best friends being jerked around for years by a guy no one liked (who turned out to be physically abusing her) all the while alienating everyone around her.

Now, I can understand your side of the story because I was there for my friend when she finally came round and we reconciled. But I can tell you this much - our friendship hasn't been the same since and won't ever recover fully. And I think that if any of your friends are willing to hear you out and be friends again, you have to bear in mind that a lot of damage has been done.

I understand how you would get into a situation like that - it wasn't great but it is forgivable. I think these so-called "friends" are being pretty harsh. If they actually cared about you enough, they would make the effort to understand what goes on in such a horribly controlling relationship. You've obviously had a very traumatic time and you've learned your lesson. Picking up that friendship with you again would be of no personal cost to them - they are just being proud and spiteful about the whole thing. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to be friends with people who aren't prepared to look at things from your perspective. If you extend the hand of friendship and they reject it again, I'd cool off, go out and meet some new people and start over! It will be tough in the beginning but better than being friends with such sour lemons. You seem like a very conscientious lady, you deserve some happiness and some new, more perceptive friends to make you smile again.

I would forgive you - but things wouldn't be the same. I think you will be better off learning from this experience and meeting new people to be friends with.

Forgive. Even though you should have never cut them off, you know what you did was wrong. Unfortunately you might have lost them forever.

Your behavior is something I cannot truly comprehend. I don't know how poor one's self esteem must be for a person to cut ties with all her friends just because a boyfriend tells her to. I guess I've just never let myself be abused like that and I pity all the women who have let it happen to them. That said, I think you need to apologize to all the friends you've hurt and accept that some of them just might not forgive you ever. You can forgive yourself and move on.

I have many friends who acted like the OP did. And I always forgive each one of them, chalk it up to low self-esteem and such. But you need to really apologize to them if you've ignored them for so long. I'm sure that they will most likely forgive you, but forget about it or become friends again, it'll be up to them.

I chose forgive, because I was in this situation, and I found that only the friends who really cared about me and are true friends forgave me. Some of my friends forgave, some didn't. I admit that I should have opened up more to the friends who didn't, and told them the whole story. But I didn't want to play the "victim" card.

Those of you who find this poor girl selfish have never been in this situation, and it's impossible to understand what she has been going through. I never thought I would be an abusive relationship, and never thought I would have ever treated my friends and family this way, especially for a man who treated me so terribly. It's so hard to explain, but when you're so deep in a situation like that, you don't see things how they actually are.

sorry, I totally missed the "emotionally" before it said abusive, which was mainly what my comment was about. Guess I should read it better before I comment!
But it's still abuse, and I would still forgive her.

Wow, I feel like my two best friends got together and wrote this letter. It was VERY hard to cut them out of our lives when they were in the same situation (at different times), but we couldn't save them from themselves as they let their boyfriends beat them up and cut them off from us (their friends) and their families! They didn't do anything but drop out of school/work, sit around with their boyfriends and fight with them all day and do drugs. It was terrible and heartbreaking. It took them both over a year to step back from their relationships and realize they needed a change. They broke up with the boys and of course I cared so much for them originally, that I forgave them pending their knowledge of what to look for in the next guy. So basically if they truly care for you and can take awhile to get over this hurt and distance, I think it should all be forgiven!!

I would truly forgive you because i always try to put myself in my friends shoes when listening to their problems. Your true friends will be there for you just give them some time and the wounds will heal.

Not forgive. I have had friends do this to me and it destroys the friendship. You cna never back back to where you were. I have fogiven them, but they will never be friends again.

I think you should be forgiven but it might take time. Another point of view is what kind of friend doesn't understand that you were being controlled and lacked self esteem. This situation happens to a lot of females. Heck it could have happened to them.

Forgive. I can see why your friends would be annoyed, but you were well and truly manipulated and put in a horrible position of being in an abusive relationship, which nobody should have to go through. They'll move on from their anger eventually. Congratulations to you for getting out of there.

Forgive but will never forget. You f*cked up and now things will never be the same.

A couple years ago my best friend in the entire world started a huge fight with me over a choice I made in my life that had nothing to do with her at all and decided she didnt want to talk to me anymore. I was shocked. I had been best friends with her for over 7 years and we had very rarely been apart for longer than a couple of weeks since that day we met in highschool but over something that in my mind was completely miniscule she threw away our entire friendship.

I sent those heartbreaking emails trying to get her to come to her senses, I called and left tons of unanswered phone messages. I was heartbroken that I had lost my best friend over nothing, that she had turned into a completely different person overnight and that I was losing her over something I didnt understand. I tried for months to get her to talk to me and to make her realize what she was doing but eventually I gave up, realized she was gone and moved on.

Over a year later she messaged me and apologised for everything. She apologised over and over again and made it clear to me that she realized what a stupid thing she had done and that she had ruined our very strong friendship over something trivial. I forgave her but things have never been the same. We act now like old friends who are no longer connected and while I'm not mad at her anymore I still dont think of her like the best friend she used to be.

Your friends may forgive you but things will never be the same. I hope you learned a very good lesson from this... friends before men, every time.

I would forgive you, but it would take some time for you to win back my trust. Just because you say you are sorry, don't expect the people you hurt to act as if nothing has happened. They can't just forget the pain you caused them. I really hope that you are getting some type of therapy, because anyone whose self-esteem low enough to get caught up in such an abusive situation with a guy has some issues to work out. As your old friends see you changing and really putting in an effort, they will be more ready to accept you again. There may be some that you will have to write off completely, since you may have hurt them so badly they can't accept your apology. Learn from the experience and move on.

Fallen-your situation doesn't sound like hers.

There are some posts I find questionable. Specifically, I'm referring to posts that imply those who do "not forgive" are not true friends.

I find that laughable. Also, I find those posts somewhat self-absorbed. To my understanding, the OP abandoned her friends. It took her at least over a year and a half before she considered contacting them again. To me, abandoning her friends is a form of mistreatment. Again, to my understanding, the OP emotionally AND physically abandoned them. In my opinion, the friends had no choice, but to move on without her. And they did.

Some of you may find the OP's action forgivable (and reconciliable). That's fine, and rather benevolent. However, I don't think her former friends are "untrue" friends for not making room in their lives for her, just because she's ready to come back. She's NOT entitled to re-enter into their lives, especially after abandoning them. If her former friends made a cautious decision to keep her out, they are not "untrue friends." They're being SELF-PROTECTIVE, againsts someone that abandoned them. It's a moral behavior, and perhaps even ethical, it's not about being an "untrue friend."

Overall, I find those who criticize her former friends who do no forgive to be inaccurately harsh.

Glowing- the OP was in an abusive situation. Everyone would like to say they wouldn't have done the same thing in her position, that they would have immediately left their bfs, but no one is perfect. I hope I can learn from experiences like hers, and the things my friends have gone through, but having empathy is never a bad thing.

I'm not saying her friends should have kept pursuing the friendship after the first unsuccessful phone calls and emails, and some may have moved on with their lives, and that's fine. People do change and get too busy to keep in touch with someone who dropped them a year ago and I do understand that!

But still, I would think she will have friends who will empathize with her situation, and be in the position to let her back in their lives, and in my opinion those really are great friends. They were friends with her for a reason in the first place, and I would assume many of those reasons still remain.

You seriously expect that everyone on this board just completely drops people who have went through a rough time?

And, you seem a little obsessed with the fact that she "wronged" her friends. Don't you ever just get over things? Like, seriously, with all the bad things that people do to each other, treating your friends poorly when you are in an abusive situation is a relationship ender for you?

It's not exactly something you can pat someone on the back over.

Snowbunny, while my situation isnt the same as hers, the bottom line is my friend stopped talking to me for a reason that was not my fault just like the OP's friends. Over time, I learned to live without my friend and stop wanting to talk to her on a daily basis etc. which is how the OP's friends will be now. While the OP may want to continue the friendship where it left off nothing will ever be the same.

I understand she was in an abusive relationship but she allowed herself to be manipulated by that guy and the friends tried to help. When help was refused the friends moved on.. it's no one's fault except the OP's. She shouldnt expect an apology from her friends and they have no reason to forgive her except that they used to be friends. Bottom line: things will never be the same as they were before she blew them off for a loser boyfriend.

I don't want to try and pretend I know exactly what happened in this situation, but having been in a similar relationship, I feel the need to explain something: it was not that my boyfriend outright TOLD me to stop hanging out with my friends, or DEMANDED that I cut off all ties. What it came down to was that my friends, as awesome as they are, didn't approve of my boyfriend. (And boy were they right!) He was quiet and didn't open up to people very easily, probably because he had self-esteem issues himself. The few times he did meet them and hang out with them, he always thought they didn't like him. But it was his own fault for not making more of an effort. And as a result, I felt the need to side with him and spend all my time with him and not put myself in a situation where he and my friends would be together. And of course, I was young--we've all been there, when we start dating a guy and the world revolves around him. Bottom line: as controlling as he was, it was MY decision to cut of ties with my friends, I was the one who stopped calling them and making plans with him. He never suggested I stop seeing them, but I knew how he felt about them and I felt bad, so I spent all my time with him.

So maybe I didn't miss my best friend having her first child or my other best friend getting engaged because of how long I cut my friends off, but I DID miss out on being young and crazy having wild nights out in the city with my girls. And now that I'm free to do all that stuff, my best friends have in fact started having babies and getting married and can't meet for happy hour on a whim anymore. Let this be a lesson to all you girls who are in relationships that your friends don't approve of: if a majority of your best friends, the people that have been in your life for years and years and years and who know you the best, are telling you your man isn't good to you, or that you've become a different person around him, LISTEN TO THEM!! If they're truly your friends, then they only have your happiness and best interest in mind. And if you do end up cutting them off and realize your mistake, they'll forgive you if they love you. That old corny saying is so true: men come and go, but your best friends will last forever.

I've been there honey, and I'm so sorry for your heartache; I feel your pain. You are blessed to have such caring friends, and I believe that if they sent you sincere e-mails begging you to call them back because they CARE ABOUT YOU, they will be overjoyed to have you back and know that you're OK. Call them!

not forgive. no wait, never forgive. i would never let a b*tch like u be my friend. u were in an abusive relationship, so u cut ure friends off? thats bullsh*t. total bullsh*t. u should never let a guy get in between ure friends. never. bros before hoes. lol. u gave up ure friends who were always there for u for a guy u knew obviously for a lesser while than ure friends. sorry, but if i were ure friend, i wouldnt forgive u for what u did. maybe i would, but i wouldnt consider u a close friend. u would be just a hi bye friend. because u just aint worth it. a girl who makes her guy important is a b*tch