I am in my mid-20s and haven't previously been in a relationship. I tend to be pretty guarded, and it's hard for me to open up to new people. I moved to a new area for school and at the urging of a good friend, I put up a profile on a dating site. I met a great guy a little more than a month ago. I am intrigued by him, but I also feel like I am purposely pushing him away.
He came on pretty strong in the beginning, inviting me to events months in the future and introducing me to friends and family. It freaked me out and I ended up breaking up with him. But not much has changed, since I said that I wanted to remain friends. He's still inviting me out and last weekend I attended a wedding with him. Things got a little messy when we started fooling around after the wedding — talk about mixed messages for him! I woke up sober and embarrassed.
He told me today that he would like to date again. I responded that I have a lot of issues and he should proceed at his own risk, which didn't seem to deter him. I am having a very hard time with this change. I want to be open to it, but it's really causing me a lot of anxiety; now I am just over-analyzing everything. I guess I thought I would feel differently or more certain. Instead, I I just want to hide under the covers and avoid the whole thing. Is there a way to make this adjustment from semi-permanent singlehood to being in a relationship less stressful?
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Issa
French Sole
Esprit
Wait a minute - don't doubt yourself! This guy came on way too strong, and that's never a good sign. You were right to end things with him. Guys like him often end up being stalkers or abusers. Either that or they make you totally fall in love with them, then they bolt.
Continue meeting guys online but resist getting too serious with anyone for a while. Have fun and most of all, trust your gut!
1Yeah, I was thinking maybe there's a good reason you're feeling anxious.
You adjust by taking things slow.
2I think Luisa is kind of jumping to conclusions about the whole stalker/abuser thing here. But I agree that you should trust your instincts here. If something about him seems weird, go slowly and listen to your intuition. You don't have to just jump into a relationship with anyone if you are not certain that you want to. It is your life and your decision. I think that if you really liked the guy enough, you would't feel this apprehensive.
3It definitely couldn't hurt to take it slow! He could be a stalker/abuser, or he could just be crazy about you. You said that you moved to the new area for school, so I'm assuming it's a university, and most of those offer free or drastically discounted counseling services. I think it would be a great idea to take advantage of that, whether or not you continue to date this particular guy. It would give you a chance to work through your issues with being guarded, and maybe help you figure out whether this guy (or another) is dangerous or just over-eager.
That said, there is nothing wrong with being a little guarded. Just don't let it keep you from living the life you know you want!
4i think he really likes you, and is pursuing you, and you shoudl feel lucky
5if you like him, you should push through and you will eventually feel comfortable
but if you don't get a good vibe from him or you don't really like him then you are allowed to break it off with him and not let him call the shots
You have fear of dating and it is only as stressful as you make it. I suggest calming down, use drugs if necessary!
Seriously though, relax. You don't have to love everyone you date, but don't let the fear of dating anyone or change in general be the reason you push someone away. If you legitimately feel like you do not want to date him, make a clean break... but if you are panicking about the dating relationship and not the person that is something you need to figure out or you will be single forever (not that that is a bad thing, I'm just saying...)
6I'd have to agree w/those who think he's coming on too strong. Seen it happen waaaay too many times. Too strong then bolt, or too strong & try to control/take over your life. Ugh. He needs to take a chill pill. Don't let him bulldoze you.
7Wow, when I read this I thought "Get out of my head!" because this is my life story right here. I've been working through very similar things myself and what a lot of these ladies are saying is right - trust your gut. One reason why I don't date much is because I am very independent, strong willed, and confident in what seems to be the best for me. So when a guy starts to get into my personal space too fast it makes me very uncomfortable and if let him know he needs to back off and he doesn't follow through, it's done. I want to give you kudos for seeing both sides (the mixed messages) because I never knew that I did that - but now I do and I watch it. Honestly, if you're in your mid-20s go have some fun and don't worry too much! Unless you're really looking for a relationship, just let things happen and enjoy what you can and cut loose the things that don't work for you!
8When a guy comes on REALLY strong at the beginning, it's out of his own insecurities. He wants to be sure of you, so he tries to nail you down right away. He can't stand any uncertainty.
I don't know about you, but I don't want an insecure dude.
9I just went through this EXACT scenario! I finally said that I need some time to figure things out. I thought I was just terrified of a relationship since I had been so comfy in my single life. Then I recently met someone that I always want to talk to and be with. IMO, you're just not really that into him and should walk away before he gets really hurt. It seems, like in my situation, when you're really into someone, all those fears and anxieties just go away. Good Luck!
10I don't like the "maybe he's a stalker!" comments about his enthusiasm in the beginning. Maybe he's just the relationship/commitment type and really likes you! Anyway, if you like the guy and want to try the relationship again just tell him you were kinda freaked out last time because you felt overwhelmed and ask him if you guys could take things slow this time around.
I mean, it's certainly not helping to send the guy mixed messages like always hanging out with him and also fooling around with him. It seems like you two have some problems defining your relationship -- obviously he wanted a full-blown commitment right off the bat that you weren't ready for. So, quit trying to define it and make him do the same. If you don't want to have anxieties about it, just try to enjoy each others' company and don't even think about that the implications might be about your dating "status."
11If you really like the guy than you can definitely make it work. There is no reason to worry about things just let them happen. If this guy doesn't like you or isn't right for you than you can always find someone else. The more you worry the harder it is to relax and enjoy yourself.
12I have to agree with Megzie, when you're really into someone, you wouldn't question whether or not you should be with them, it just happens naturally.. and magically! : ) I say really think about how you feel about this one, and if you're into it just for the sake of being in a relationship, then move on and continue your quest for the right guy, but if you think about it and realize you're really into him, then try it out! a few dates won't hurt anyone, just don't let your emotions take over right away incase he may be overpowering for all the wrong reasons like others mentioned.
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