Dear Sugar,
I have a close friend who is a guy. Over the years I have become friendly with his wife: We do things together as a group, but I never call her or do anything with her separately. To be honest, I don't care for her very much; she can be rude and very hard to have around. I have recently tried to distance myself from them, but I just learned that they are having a wedding "renewal" ceremony next year. It's going to be a big to-do — the wedding she never had — and she's planning on asking me to be a bridesmaid. I don't feel close enough to her to say yes, and truth be told, I don't want to spend the money or time on such a commitment. But how can I say "no?" I don't think I can use money as an excuse since the wedding is so far away. My husband and I are planning on starting a family; could I use that as an excuse? — Want to Decline Deborah
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Dear Want to Decline Deborah,
If you're not a fan of this woman or don't even consider her a friend, the right thing to do is to say no to being her bridesmaid. Knowing off the bat that your role will feel more like a burden than an honor is reason enough to decline her offer. When she asks you, I think you should simply tell her that you won't be able to offer up enough of yourself to be a good bridesmaid, which is the truth. As someone who's looking to have her dream wedding, chances are she'll appreciate your honesty. To soften the blow, ask her if you can help be a part of her wedding on a smaller scale — ask to read a poem or help take guests to their seats on the big day.
Standing up at someone's wedding is a huge honor and something the bride won't take lightly, so if you don't feel up to the challenge, taking the high road and opting out is really the best thing you can do. Remember that time is of the essence, so don't procrastinate giving her your answer as she'll probably need to ask another friend to be in her wedding party. Hopefully she'll understand.
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Jipepe
La Senza
Saint Tropez
This is a tough one.
Like Dear said, I think you should just explain to her that you don't think you can fully commit to being the best bridesmaid. You can explain that it's a crazy time in your life, trying to start a family and what not, and just tell her that you know she wants the perfect wedding and you think there are better suited people than you.
1First of all, make sure that you tell you that you are very honoured that she asked you, and that you think it is very sweet of her. Then come up with one brief but believable excuse.
2Yes ask her if you can help in any other way but cannot commit to being a bridesmaid. Hopefully she does not pressure you but keep at it- be firm and tell her you cannot be there for her.
3You should say no - the key is doing it as nicely as possible.
It's a big thing to ask someone to be in your wedding and she's likely to feel hurt and rejected.
Just make her feel that it has nothing to do with her, but also make it clear that the answer is no. You don't want her offering to pay for you etc. if you claim financial hardship.
4I hit send accidently and now my post sounds so harsh haha - what i meant is "tell her you cannot be there for her the way she deserves" She should know how honored you are but at the same time understand that you are doing her a favor by declining.
5I would start bringing up the fact that yall are planning on starting your family around her (and your guy friend) I doubt she will be all that surprised if you say no then, after all it would be difficult to be a bridesmaid when you are pregnant, not to mention how aggravating it would be to get a bridesmaid dress to fit properly if your fairly far along.
btw- did your guy friend tell you that she was planning on asking you? if so he would be the one to go back to and say, "look I dont think it would be a good idea for me to be in the wedding, Ill probably be pregnant by then and I dont know that I could be there for her as much as she will probably need" Maybe then your guy friend will say something to his wife and she wont even ask bc she wont want to put you in the position to have to say no.
6I completely agree with Dear.
7If you are familiar with the same group of people (friends/family), maybe you can also work in a suggestion or two of someone that might be a better fit for her bridesmaids needs.
8" i appreciate you asking but I am a better guest than bridesmaid"
9There are a lot of ways to get out of this and you have been given excellent advice on how to do it. Be polite and firm. The most important thing is to stay NO.
"I am so happy for you. Thank you for asking me. It really is a great honor. (Acknowlege her for asking you.)
Its such a big commitment and I am not the right one for the job right now."
If she presses, tell her about your baby making plans.
Here is the thing, and really the point of my whole post. If you don't want to do it, you won't add anything to her big day. I have been pressed into service as a bridesmaid before and it was AWKWARD.
You won't be great with her and you will be more concerned about how weird it is. Plus feeling resentful over all the money you will spend on someone you aren't close to.
That sounds like a disaster.
10I think that all of this advice is fantastic - but I think that something more should be added. Obviously you're good friends with the guy (her hsuband) but it seems like you really dislike her - yet out of everyone she wants you to be a bridesmaid at this important event. Obviously there are a lot of reasons why you don't want to do it, but mainly just because you don't like her. It seems like she'll be around for awhile and this might be a good time to try and find something positive about her - try and see her through your guy friend's eyes. If they're doing a renewal ceremony, she'll probably be around for awhile and similar situations make come up. Try and find a more permanent fix here!
11I'd definitely use the baby thing as your excuse...maybe you'll even be pregnant by the time she asks you!
12Just tell her you're focusing on yourself right now and while you're happy for them you just don't have that much time to devote to anything. It seems like you don't even want to attend the wedding so you definitely shouldn't be involved in something so important to her.
13I agree you should say no if you are uncomfortable with it but is it possible she is asking you bc your guy friend wants her to? He can't have you as a groomsmen but maybe he still wants you to be a part of their big day. Just a thought.
14I wouldn't use the excuse that you would not make a good bridesmaid. It is a bit lame. I agree that you should give your guy friend a heads-up and I would tell him about your potential plans to start a family. That way, he could short-circuit a potentially difficult situation. I also don't think it is fair to opt out of the wedding completely, as he is your friend and she has asked you, quite kindly, to play a role in it. Offer instead to do a poem like Dear advises.
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