Dear Sugar,
I've been stuck in a rut for years, possibly since I was a preteen. I grew up with a very challenging home life, and spent the majority of my years longing for a guy to come along, fall in love with me, and save me. I met a guy in tenth grade who did just that. We were incredibly happy together, though despite how much he loved and cared for me, I was still unhappy with myself and my life.
Now, over six years later, he and I are no longer together. We had talked about getting married and decided that if we were still together after college, we would. However, we both grew up and drifted apart. Now that our relationship is over, I'm having an incredibly hard time moving on. I haven't been close to anyone but him since high school, so I feel lonely; the only people I really hang out with or talk to these days are my family. I'm still in the same rut that I've been in since I was 13, and I don't know how to get out of it. I don't think I'm depressed because I still enjoy many things; however, I'm unable to let my guard down and that bothers me. I've been going to therapy for a couple of years now, but still, nothing has really changed. Do you have any suggestions on how to move on from my past relationship in addition to how to get out of this rut?
— Lost and Lonely Leah
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Dear Lost and Lonely Leah,
After getting out of such a long relationship, especially one that helped you to cope during a difficult time in your life, it's only natural to feel a sense of listlessness and loneliness. Essentially you're learning how to live an entirely new life. I think the best way to move forward from this breakup while also combating your rut is to approach it as an opportunity rather than a loss. Yes, you've lost someone that you pictured yourself settling down with, but now you've gained the chance to change that picture and put a happier version of you in it.
But change doesn't happen overnight; it takes time and persistence. You have to be willing to put a little effort in every day, whether that means focusing on changing your negative thoughts to positive ones or going out and doing something completely new to you. Modifying your current thought process is difficult, but I think as it becomes more hopeful and positive, you'll be surprised to find how many doors open up to you.
It's great to hear that you're trying to work out your issues in therapy — realizing you need help is a great first step, but now it's time to take what you've learned about yourself — your limitations, fears, and strengths — and apply them to your life. It sounds like fear of opening up is the only thing holding you back from the life you want, so let down your guard just once and see what happens; I think you'll be glad you did.
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Julia Cocco'
Aminaka Wilmont
Why do you need a guy to come and save you?
You're stuck in the rut because you, for some reason, think that you can't save yourself.
I agree with Dear, change takes time to happen. I think the first step towards getting out of your rut is to simply remind your self every day that you are strong.
... because you are. It just takes time for the message to sink in, but eventually you will realize it.
1You can never expect another person to save you and make you happy. The only person that can make you happy is YOU. No one can save you but yourself. I am surprised that you don't know these things already after being in therapy for that long. I am wondering if you need to consider switching therapists? Or is the problem that you are not doing the work required to make these changes? Most therapists will not in good conscience continue counselling someone for that long unless they know they are really making progress with them. I can understand that you are feeling really lonely, especially after being with someone for that long. It takes time to get over a break up, but you will get over it, bit by bit. Please make sure that you work on your self-esteem before getting into another serious relationship, because the next one also will not work out unless you are already happy with yourself. Do little things everyday that make you feel good about yourself. I hope your therapist is treating you for past abuse you endured. Understand that this relationship was destined for failure from the beginning, because you can never really love someone else until you love yourself first. Consider exercising more (it can really help with depression). Also consider antidepressants to help you get through this tough time, because I really think that you are depressed. Never put all of your dependency and energy onto one person, because spending time with family (those that you enjoy being with), and friends is important for your whole life. Even if you get married one day, you need to have an active social life outside of your relationship. It is just healthier. Good luck to you. Try to make plans with other girls that seem kind or interesting. Suggest doing unique things. Watch a lot of comedies to make sure you laugh everyday. I found watching Sex and the city reruns really good for getting over a breakup (go to website fanpop to watch online). If you can find ways to laugh at yourself, people will naturally be attracted to you.
“Blessed is (s)he who has learned to laugh at himself, for (s)he shall never cease to be entertained” John Powell
“Everyone has a 'risk muscle.' You keep it in shape by trying new things. If you don't, it atrophies. Make a point of using it at least once a day.”
2Roger Von Oech
The fact is you were in a loving and suppportive relationship proved that you are capable of being emotionally involved so that's positive.
As strange as it sounds, sometimes, we get "used to" staying in the same unhealthy cycle, because you go through the same emotions and that gives people a false sense of security and familiarity, and you KNOW how to deal with these familiar emotions, despite how tiring and frustrating it is.
Speaking from personal experience: discipline and a complete new set of tactic could be the key. Obviously what you have been doing is not working, though I think it's great that you are seeking professional help to try to resolve these issues.
If possible, go travelling, take a road trip even by yourself - you could learn to see things from a completely different perspective. Pick up a sport - even jogging/power walking to develop a sense of discipline and the skills to focus on a set goal. You get immense satisfaction from achieving the goal - no matter big or small.
We all feel alone from time to time, being with someone doesn't necessary take the lonliness away and you know what, it's actually OK to feel alone, because it allows you to focus and appreiciate what you have and motivate what you want to achieve. That's how I turn the negative aspects of being alone into positives anyway...
Baby steps...
"We were incredibly happy together, though despite how much he loved and cared for me, I was still unhappy with myself and my life." You are spot on about yourself: No one can make you happy but yourself.
Good luck! Sounds like you have a great awareness of you own circle - try broaden that circle to give youself a bit of breathing room.
3I just want to say that I understand where you are coming from. Ive been there and there's nothing you can do but make yourself get out there. Sometimes it will be scary but you canchange the way life is for yourself, you don't need anyone else. There will be times when it's a struggle but just stay focused on what you really want. I think after a while you will start to see things change and it will give you hope. Good luck
4Read Percy's first paragraph. Then go back and read it again. She's pointing out something that's very, very true.
A lot of people have that boyfriend from a young age and are used to that life. When it ends, it IS hard to know what to do next, and that's something we all face when any relationship ends at any age.
I think you should focus on yourself. Make this time all about you and shake things up. Take a class or two in something you've always been interested in, and/or something you never thought you could do - like tap dancing if you don't do that. Just something the complete and total opposite of what you've ever done. It shakes up and stimulates the brain. You'll meet new people through that, and bringing new people into your world expands your social life and gets you into even more new environments.
Don't just be out there looking for another guy. Go out there and look for things for you. That's my advice.
5Everyone has such great advice. I'm so glad you're in therapy. I think people can have really negative thoughts about going to therapy (and in some people's cases, really understandable). If you do feel like therapy has kind of stalled and isn't really helping, I would encourage you to seek a new therapist. Therapy can be like relationships too. Sometimes you outgrow the one you have.
The best thing my therapist ever taught me (and what helped get me out of my own slump), was that your body has 4 parts. The emotional, the physical, the spiritual, and the intellectual. When you are down in the dumps and depressed, your whole body goes towards that one thing. Realistically, to solve a problem, you need all four. So, I would encourage you to make sure you are taking care of all 4 parts of you. It's amazing how much more energy and clarity you can get just by truly taking care of you. Whether that includes working out, or taking walks, or going to church (or whatever way you reach your spiritual side), or learning new things, or getting out of town, any of it... just focus on healing you first.
I wish you the very best and realize you aren't alone. A whole lot of people on here have gone through similar things and similar feelings. I always remember feeling so alone and the one thing that got me through was realizing that if other people had the capability of getting through, then deep inside, I have that ability, too.
6I think that you should do things that you love. Spend time reading or listening to music or whatever you are passionate about but never had time for in a relationship. Use these hobbies as a way to meet new people too. You could join a book club or go to see live music. You'll be so busy and having so much fun that you won't feel lonely and you'll be doing something for you too.
Also take the time to improve your other relationships with your family or any friends you have. They may have been neglected when you were with your man.
Most important of all realize that it's normal to be stuck in a rut. I think that you should seek therapy and discuss what you went through growing up so you can get past it and not let it hold you back any more.
7Yep, I'm with everyone here; this is the time for you to GROW, and to grow by yourself. Once you are happy with yourself, with your life, with the direction you have taken, the man will come. He cannot be the crutch or the map; it will only be a healthy and good relationship if he's the co-pilot, the partner. That is probably why you cannot let your guard down; you instinctively know you are not ready, and that means you need to go and take care of YOURSELF. Find out what you really want from life. And I mean, REALLY > It can be anything! You want to travel? You want to study some more? You want to join the circus? You want to do volunteer work in Indonesia? Who knows - only you can find that out. But there is something to be said about feeling complete and accomplished, and feeling like the pieces of the puzzle of your life are falling into place. Then the last piece will come and fit nicely - love.
Find out what's eating at you, bugging you, making it so you're not so well in your shoes. Allow yourself time to grieve that relationship yet become a better person - for yourself. Be happy and content, and then the man will come. Good luck!
8Hello,
Well, for one, it sounds like the reason you are stuck in a rut is because you felt a guy coming alone and 'saving' you would solve all of your issues from your childhood/teenage years. But now that your guy is gone, things are the same again as you see in your mind. But thats not at all true. Although you had a great guy in your life, in my opinion, this is God's way of telling you that its that its time for you to get out of that rut on your own, and the only person who can save you is Christ. And that's real. And that's going to take a combination of your trusting Him to pull you thru this and you WANTING to get out of this rut. No man on this earth can 'save' you. You have to first be emotionally and spritiually stable to stand on your own two feet before you can have any man in your life and be ok. Or you are always going to think that this guy is all that you need and if anything were to ever happen to your relationship that you dont expect, then you wont know how to cope. So, with that said, work on you first. If you are a spiritual person, that's great; turn to God; He is there for you all the time and will help you thru this time (and all the time). But work on you. This is your time. Also, work on letting your past go. You have to if you want to move forward.
Best of luck to you!!!
9I went through a tough breakup last year, and it really took a while for me to recover. We dated for two years (which is nothing compared to the length of yours), but he was the only guy I was able to let my guard down with and really let go. I had to keep telling myself that there was a reason we weren't together; there was someone better waiting for me out there. It wasn't easy at first, but the more I told myself this, the more I believed it.
10I also started rock climbing and yoga. Not only did they get me in great shape (which raised my confidence), they were also a great to keep my mind focussed on something else. Another benefit was being able to meet some fun, interesting people. No matter what it is, I strongly encourage you to find a new hobby. You'll be amazed at how much it helps in all areas of your life.
I wish you the best of luck in finding your Prince Charming, I'm sure he's out there somewhere!
I agree with the above comment, especially the advice about finding new interests to increase your self esteem and have some fun with other people. If you search too hard for Mr Right you may miss out on good times with other people. Having a man and being in a committed relationship isn't the only important thing to strive for. Health, happiness and peace of mind, good friends and an iptimistic outlook are all as important.
11Have you considered changing therapists for a new perspective?
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