Are there similar purity balls for boys or is the whole focus on the girls behavior?
I think publicly promising to practice abstinence is the first step in putting too much emphasis on the sexual aspect of a young life. If mom and dad have been there for their child all along, this kind of creepy ball isn't necessary. The emphasis should be on helping your child develop as an independent person, helping them to understand they need to learn who they are before they go looking for fulfillment with other people. I've never been to a purity ball but if anyone ever suggests my daughter attend one, I'm grabbing her hand and running as fast as we can in the other direction.

They all look like they're dancing with their fathers. $#!+ if went to a dance with my father I'd be abstinent too.

On a serious note though make it fun. I don't care what it is if it's fun, they will come. You don't need alcohol, sex and drugs to have fun. What we've done is stand by and let our children surrender to that notion and it doesn't have to be that way.

"Are there similar purity balls for boys or is the whole focus on the girls behavior?"
Not that I've ever heard of!! You're right... it seems to all be on the daughters. I've read about this and apparently at some of these balls the daughters pledge their virginity into the 'safe keeping of their father'!
I just recently talked to my brother about this (we are pretty open and comfortable with talking sex). Our parents taught us abstinence... and it was based on religious teachings. All four kids had sex before marriage.
My brother and I both believe that abstinence should not be the only thing taught. And when it is taught it shouldn't be taught as a purely religious reason. Sex Ed, along with abstinence, should be taught as a matter of self-respect, protecting yourself and your future, and sex is something sacred for people in love (not necessarily married). Yes, your religion (if part of the reason) should be a part of it... but abstinence shouldn't only be because 'our religion says so'. Most kids I know won't put any stock in that.

"Are there similar purity balls for boys or is the whole focus on the girls behavior?"

WOW, great question!!

I think that having a dialogue with your parents about morals is a good thing, but not a substitute for a all enclusive sexual education course. Both is the best approach, IMO.

“before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the area of purity.”
This line from the Dad's covenant really creeps me out - this just doesn't sound healthy.

Hormones do trump prom dresses! I mean, I used to know of a few girls that wore daddy's rings, which are purity rings given in some religious ceremony by their father. Their purity probably lasted until 15, then they went around and around the block. It's a cute sentiment, but completely unrealistic. Of course, I would like to be optimistic and hope these girls the best!

Creepy, creepy, creepy. And creepy. Did I mention sexist? Also, creepy.

To me, it makes a lot of sense for girls to talk to their mothers about sex, versus dad.

Does this remind anyone of Jessica Simpson's dad by any chance?

Why does this make me think of the word incest?

If you want to remain "pure" until marriage, good for you. However, that should be your own personal choice. Parents could be highly involved in that decision because of the way you were raised or whatever, but in the end, it has nothing to do with them. It's your choice, and I don't think you need an extravagant ball to announce it to the world. And wouldn't these balls make you feel guilty if you change your mind and do decide to have sex before marriage? Sex is a natural thing, and these are the sort of events that put stigmas on premarital sex. As long as you're having sex with someone you love, you shouldn't be MADE to feel guilty.

And fathers being that involved in protecting their daughters' purity? How incestuous does that sound? Creeeeepy.

Good point Stephley!

I know in the article it states that the girls are more emotional than boys. That was posed as the reason why the fathers are "crucial " in helping them stay pure, but for me a different message is being set out: that the focus on women remaining chaste before marriage isn't as equally important as the man's. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but this appears to be a double standard.

I'm okay with abstinence being taught, however I think it's not the only option that should be explored. I've read on several articles that astudy shows that 88% of the women who take the pledge break their promise.

Interviews of the girls/young women who partake in this ceremony can't even say the word sex or don't fully comprehend what's going on although they believe in the idea of purity. It's a concept that worries me a lot.

Man, sorry if I don't make sense, it's early in the morning and I haven't had my caffeine yet. :S

Of course this has to be going on in my home state!

kikidawn - My parents taught abstinence based on religion, too. All five of us had sex before marriage. Hubby and I have five kids and we've taught all of them that while we think they should wait to have sex, if they choose to then they need to talk to us so we can help protect them against STDs etc. I almost fell over when my stepson asked me if I would buy him condoms because he was too embarrassed to buy them himself. This led to a discussion about the fact that maybe he wasn't really ready to have sex if buying condoms was so embarrassing that he couldn't do it himself. I wound up buying the condoms for him and he told his Dad that he thought a lot about what I said and talked to his girlfriend about it, but he didn't come out and say whether they had sex or not. I was just glad that he felt he could talk to me.

On another note - The dad saying “It’s also good for me. It inspires me to be spiritual and moral in turn. If I’m holding them to such high standards, you can be sure I won’t be cheating on their mother” irritates me. So if he wasn't going to this ball and holding daughter to such a high standard he would be cheating on her mom? The whole thing is creepy.

Thank you for sharing your experience with your family, Trixie.

"we've taught all of them that while we think they should wait to have sex, if they choose to then they need to talk to us so we can help protect them against STDs etc."

My family taught me along the same guidelines, and I have made very healthy choices in my life. I think your approach is a very logical and healthy one!

Purity and Balls in the same title. Brilliant. I wonder what nutsack came up with THIS idea.

This makes me think of a HILARIOUS Wanda Sykes rant about detachable pussies (her words!) that someone sent me a while back. Believe me, her spoutings are much less offensive to common sense than this idea. IMHO, as someone above said, it is the role of the parents to help guide their children into making the right decisions for themselves.

Thanks, Jillness.

Just as misguided as abstinence only.

"we've taught all of them that while we think they should wait to have sex, if they choose to then they need to talk to us so we can help protect them against STDs etc."

Exactly what we plan to teach our children Trixie! I've told people that and I am so amazed at the amount of backlash I get for that. People always tell me "well, once you do have kids and they are teenagers you won't want them having sex".... yes that may be true, but I know how I was as a teenager and I had sex. If they are going to be doing it the least I could do as a parent is to make sure they are safe and protected.

And the comment you made about if you are too embarrassed to buy condoms then you shouldn't be having sex... I think you are very right there. (and for the record I think you made the right decision in going ahead and getting the condoms... b/c then at least they are protected).

I don't think you have to worry about guys wanting to have sex with you after they've heard you promised your father you will preserve your hymen while dancing with him in a prom dress.

Gosh you guys are cynical.

I mean, to each their freaking own. Since when do we get to dictate how parents choose to teach their children about their lives. Just because you don't agree with it, doesn't mean it's stupid or incestuous or misguided.

I would personally never sign on to this, but I am in no place to tell anyone else how he or she should raise their children. If the father and daughter hold a relationship where the father is actually present in their lives, a strong figure, and a man to look up to and respect, why is this so terrible? And how in the heck is it even remotely incestuous? Geez.

Case and point - I attended a "home school" graduation this weekend for my cousin, and while most of my family do not agree with my aunt's decision to home school her four children, not one of us looked down on her or ruined the graduates day by being rude and belittling.

gosh liberals really do run wild on this site at night...

The one thing that irks me the most about the "purity ball" movement is that the woman's (or young girl's, whatever you want to call her) sexuality is placed in the hands of the men in her life. Her "virginity" or "purity" is being passed from her dad to her future husband, and with that, I personally don't really believe she has a chance to "own" her own sexuality, which I think is important. Of course it is important for a father to call his daughter beautiful, and for him to value her and think of her as important, but at the same time I think these young women need to learn the idea that hormones/sexual urges are natural, and just because they might have certain "unpure" thoughts does not mean that they have let their fathers down or failed them in any way.

I just think the entire emphasis on a girl's "purity" can lead to the danger of having her entire worth wrapped up in her sexuality, which is definitely something I have dealt with and continue to deal with given the beliefs of my own family. If I ever have children I'd want to teach them to be responsible in every way, but I'd also want them to know that if they do not remain virgins until marriage, that I do not think any less of them.

I also think it is possible for a father and daughter to have a respectful relationship regardless of the daughter's sexual history. I personally do not discuss my sex life with my dad, but we have a mutual respect for each other and are still close. I also think that if a father uses his daughter's purity ball as a reminder to not cheat on his wife, then maybe he married the wrong woman.

Also, syako, I understand what you're saying, but homeschooling and purity balls are like apples and oranges. Home schooling doesn't put a lot of pressure on young girls to remain virgins until marriage. Just saying.

...and I don't really know if this is much of a liberal/conservative issue, personally. Yeah, I'm more politically liberal, but I don't really think the state of my (or future daughter's) hymen has anything to do with whom I'm going to vote for or what I think about heath care...

Geez Sy, that's coming out swinging pretty hard at people - you've got some pretty strong opinions in the morning.

This really creeps me out, for a lot of reasons.

Firstly, there's the whole "purity" thing, which sounds nice, but I've been to churches that push that, and it pretty much teaches girls that they're damaged goods that no one will want if they give into their hormones and have sex. Some churches are very strict- they believe you're damaged goods if you even have sexual thoughts (and what teenager hasn't?). There's frequently a complete lack of any scientific sexual education that goes along with this.

Secondly, there's this emphasis on female virtue being protected by men- that a woman's sexuality is at first under the control of her father, until he gives her to her husband, at which point, presumably, it's under his control. The whole thing denies and rejects any sort of liberated, empowered female sexuality- which makes me bristle. I think a woman's sexual life should be hers, and that she should be the only one important in its development- not daddy. If she wants to be abstinent until marriage- great!- but it should be her choice, not something she just signs up for when she's 15, or 12, or even 7 years old.

Thirdly, I find the paternalistic "you can't make good choices, so I will make them for you". Obviously teenagers make bad decisions. They fall in love with unsuitable people and their hearts get broken and they move on- it's part of life, and of growing up. Keeping girls from that (and I was kept from it, I speak from experience) is a way of preventing adulthood. As long as girls are dependent on Daddy to make their choices and "safeguard their purity", they aren't going out into the world and making their own choices, good or bad, and learning and growing.

Fourthly, there's little or no emphasis on boys- it's all a girl's fault if she doesn't measure up, but there's no trying to keep boys from pressuring girls into sex. Boys (at least in my church) are given a free pass.

It's something I feel strongly about, because while my church never had a purity ball (because they felt dancing in any form was sinful), I'm familiar with these kinds of attitudes and they didn't do me, or any of my female peers, any favors.

Ah- apparently I can't finish my sentences. It should read:

Thirdly, I find the paternalistic "you can't make good choices, so I will make them for you" to be condescending and sexist, in this case.

Your sentences are just fine Bookish.

Nononono! The idea that a woman's sexuality and virginity are anything but her own is an old-fashioned one that continues to be perpetuated! It's not going to stop your daughter from anything she wants to do and it is essentially harmful to sexual and psychological development.

This is definitely super creepy to me.

The idea that somehow fathers are the end-all for moral development of daughters is incredibly laughable, based on my own personal experience.

I think that the most important thing parents can pass to their children is independence - moral, emotional, and mental. When you base your own views on someone else's "just because", it's next to impossible to not slip up, regardless of if they are your parents' or your church's or whathaveyou.

At least this is aiming to do something positive, it's a lot better then fathers not giving a dam what their child does. If it works for them and keeps them healthy, safe, and responsible then I don't see any reason to knock it. It's a little weird that people, girls especially, (sorry, Im being a little sexist here) can have this sort of relationship with their fathers...I just think you shouldn't go there in somethings...

Me, personally, I don't want my father and my sex life to mix - sorry, but it creeps me out, I'm in the delusional "you are always your daddy's little girl" camp, one of life fictions that I embrace.

But like I said, if the outcome is positive in their case, then to each his own, and I'm glad they are doing something, even if it is something I would not be comfortable with.

Love, love, love all of your points, Bookish.

Bookish, your comment on this sort of thing makes a woman's sexuality the property of her father or husband is a great insight!

Do you believe that I explained to my grandmother the other day that rape can happen within marriage and she could not comprehend it, and mind you, my grams is pretty open "live and let live" type of person, compared to the people around her with a similar upbringing - so it scares me what some of the old school folks might think.

I wonder if Jenna Bush had a "Purity Ball." Just sayin'.....

Though I think the idea of fathers being an active participant in a child's life through adolescence and beyond in the form of a formal event is a fab and admirable concept, directly linking it to "purity" or "virginity" is creepilitious IMHO. I do believe that the interest and participation in the child's life along with modeling the way she should expect a partner to treat her will absolutely have an effect on the decisions she will make in her life to include her sexuality... but again, the young women are more than their "virginity"... perhaps a "self esteem' ball would be more appropriate.

this is creepy. a dance where you're all dolled up with your dad as your escort to say you're not having sex? no thanks.

oh my god, i didnt realize that they were with their dads and i was about ready to make a crude joke that would of come off totally different if they were with guys their age.

anyhoo, im a little creeped out, why do these girls need to get dressed up like dolls to be told their beautiful by their dads

Slightly, no scratch that. VERY creepy.

Don't fret! Us gals can buy maxi-pads and ride horses all day long! And we don't even have to smell like horses! That dish soap smell covers that up!

I have ALWAYS thought that it was weird that girls would promise their chastity to their fathers. The whole oath and promise ring really creeps me out. I think if anything they should teach BOTH their sons and daughters to make a promise to themselves to respect themselves and their partners (whenever they end up getting one).

I know that when I have kids Im definitely not going to make them promise their virginity. Im going to teach them to wait til they really are with someone they love (preferably I would like them to wait at least until their late teens when they are more mature). I will also always be open to teaching them about every effective contraceptive that is available to them and to always to use them.

If people want to preach abstinence than go for it but they should still teach about contraceptives because abstinence is never 100% and they should be protected

This is incredibly CREEPY, sexist and backwards!

Its incredible some people live this kind of delusional and in my view hypocritical lives ... then they try to SUPPRESS their daughters lives and happiness with their holier-than-thou bullsh*t.

Although not my taste, I don't think it should be labeled as creepy and sexist. If the young ladies decide to do this on their own, then its about women having a choice. Most of these girls probably won't last, but if it causes them to stop and think, or wait a year, than its worth it.

Personally, I think the father's role is being horrible abused as "not needed" or creepy, or incestuous. Even though my mother taught me wonderful things, it was the talks with my father that led me to waiting for marriage, going to get my masters, and the belief that I was as smart and strong as any man.

What about these poor girls who don't have a dad? Here they are being told that daddy is safeguarding their purity, and how vulnerable must they feel when they don't have anyone to "protect their virginity".
Not to be offensive, but I think Christianity tends to oversexualize things. And you know what is forbidden AND over-emphasized tends to be very interesting to kids. I just think its horrible that sex is introduced at an early age, forbidden to them, and then never further explained. It's a recipe for curiosity and subsequent disappointment.

This is creepy? As opposed to the little "lady" that bared all at her prom the other week and was led away in handcuffs? You all did see that video, right? These dads take an active interest in making sure that their daughters understand that chastity is not a bad thing, that respecting yourself is not a bad thing. At least they have fathers who are present in their lives and actually care.

Piper, that's comparing two extremes: no one advocated allowing or encouraging daughters to be promiscuous. Understanding that chastity is not a bad thing and publicly swearing to maintain it are two very different things. Suppose mothers swore publicly to be the authority over their daughters to help them maintain a fashionable (low) weight until they were married. It's still talking about controlling natural urges and desires in a way that some people value.

Amen, piper23!

stephley: "Are there similar purity balls for boys or is the whole focus on the girls' behavior?"

As a matter of fact, there ARE similar things going on right now for BOTH genders. In Utah, Arizona, & California (& probably even Colorado too), members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--girls AND boys--are choosing "Modesty Proms" instead of or in addition to their normal high school proms. The girls wear modest dresses (sleeves, non-cleavage-baring) & the kids dance to appropriate music without cursing or innuendo.

I'm sure that the part of this story that everyone is calling "creepy" is the fact that the girls are dancing with their dads. In these Modesty Proms, the girls' dates are boys their own age who respect them & have made the same commitment to wait until marriage.

These proms have gotten so popular that even non-Mormons are choosing to attend them because they are more uplifting & there isn't the pressure to be promiscuous on prom night. I think it's a fantastic idea, & I hope they become even more widespread!

"At least this is aiming to do something positive, it's a lot better then fathers not giving a dam what their child does."

Yes, that's true, and I think it's great that these dads are being involved with their daughters. What I find disturbing is that they're not focusing on their daughters' achievements, or their kindness or intelligence- they're making an unbroken hymen more important than things that are, actually, more important. There are so many more ways to be involved and be a good dad that don't require a man swear to protect his daughter's purity (under crossed swords, no less!).

And some of these girls are really young- how many 7 and 9 year olds understand the concept of chastity and "purity"?

stephley it was at night - so I come out swinging at night after 2-3 glasses of wine

I still stand by what I said though.

AND, Bookish you've obviously have had some bad experiences with the Church and purity. I grew up in a Christian household all my life, went to church and youth group weekly and never once did I feel like anyone told me I'd be damaged goods if I didn't wait until marriage. In fact, if there's anywhere that abstinence should be taught it's in the church, because in a public school kids do need to learn about sex and the dangers of unprotected sex - but church and youth groups teaching about abstinence, in my mind, is sacred.

It's not that churches just say girls have to remain virgins, it goes both ways. In fact, in my experience it was pushed more toward the young boys. Either way, I never once felt awkward, weird or dirty. In fact, I loved that I had another option. All I was hearing in school, on TV, in magazines, in movies was that love was all about sex and without sex there was no love. And finally I found a place that said love and sex are good together, but you should wait to make them great.

I still think you guys are flipping out over something that's none of your business. Plus, who are we to say these fathers/families don't also focus on their daughter's achievements? Why can't it be both? Why can't they be spiritual leaders who help their daughters learn the ways of the the Christian faith AND celebrate their daughters when they make great grades or score a goal in the soccer game.

I didn't say that anyone advocated allowing or encourgaing their daughters to be promiscuous. Who would ever do that? And if these girls want to pledge to stay chaste then more power to them. Its their bodies, its their right. Who am I to say that its wrong or creepy to want to publicly say I'm not going to have sex until I'm married? It would be nice if more fathers took an active role in their daughters lives and talked to them and told them that there is honor in respecting yourself enough to say "no".

and em, I don't think it's apples to oranges BECAUSE these are CHILDREN!!! Not adults. These are children who have parents that are raising them the way they see fit. It is neither mine nor your business how they do that.

Syako- you're right, I have had bad experiences with church, but I realize that the church I was made to attend holds an extreme, far-right view of religion. I know it's not the mainstream, so don't think I'm saying that all churches do this and all churches are bad- that's not the case.

However- in several of the more extremely conservative churches, there's still an attitude of women as the property of their men. This attitude is expressed in various degrees depending on the church. Because of my involvement with the church, I look at these purity balls and it sends up those red flags. It's obviously not going to be applicable to everyone who organizes or attends these balls, but the act of swearing vows to protect your daughter's virginity reminds me of those attitudes, and I have to wonder how many of those fathers see their children (to whatever degree) as their property, instead of as separate, developing human beings.

That, to me, is sexist, and I find it wrong. And forgive me if I've bungled this explanation all up- my husband thought it would be great if we all switched to decaf today! I'm not thrilled.