When you and your fiancé first started getting serious, you were both sure that you didn’t want children. Now, after seeing all of your friends have babies, you can't help but feel differently. In fact, at this point, you can’t imagine not having children but unfortunately, your fiancé hasn’t had the same change of heart.
You guys have talked about it, and you’ve tried to describe to him why you feel differently, but he’s still convinced that kids are out of the question. You’re six months away from your wedding day, so how do you handle this?
Roberto Cavalli
Flash Lights
Rick Owens
If it was me, it would be a deal breaker. I know going into the relationship neither one of us wanted children but people are allowed a change of heart, right? If it was really that important to me to have kids but he didn't, I would say that we should go our seperate ways. It wouldn't be his fault, it would be all mine because I changed my mind.
1I imagine many people will respond that since you are the one who wants children and children are a big deal in a marriage- that the best course is to hold off the wedding. However, because this is a case of changing your mind - it really is unfair to him to try to change him. Also -picture a life without children but with your fiance whom you love. Is it really that big a deal? Children are important but it is also important to recognize if what you want is REALLY want YOU want. Just because everyone else is having children doesnt mean you should to. That is my two cents.
2I imagine many people will respond that since you are the one who wants children and children are a big deal in a marriage- that the best course is to hold off the wedding. However, because this is a case of changing your mind - it really is unfair to him to try to change him. Also -picture a life without children but with your fiance whom you love. Is it really that big a deal? Children are important but it is also important to recognize if what you want is REALLY want YOU want. Just because everyone else is having children doesnt mean you should to. That is my two cents.
3sorry for the double post!
4There's always a chance that one or both of you could change your mind in the future. Get married and tackle the question again in a few years.
5there's no doubt it would be over.
if i really wanted kids and he didn't...then we would part ways. it's unfair to go through with the marriage hoping he'll change...and inevitably be hurt all over again when the topic comes up again. it's just a recipe for disaster. the desire to have or not have children is a topic people should discuss and AGREE on before they decide it's a good idea to spend their lives together.
6It would be over. People who are cajoled and manipulated into having kids are usually not so great parents, and I imagine I would turn resentful if I was unable to have children. But it is insanely STUPID to get married when two people are on different pages regarding children.
7My husband and I both wanted children. But, due to a combination of money problems, health problems, and age, we have pretty much decided against it now. It made me sad for awhile, but I am at peace with it now. Luckily both of us are happy with being married with or without children.
I think I would cancel or at least postpone the wedding if I were in your shoes. Maybe postpone it and go to counseling.
8Why would it be over? All of the sudden a woman starts wanting kids b/c she is seeing them around her? More like it's a phase that she'll grow out of. Seek counseling and make sure it's not just something you would be wanting by the outside influence and that you won't be making the mistake of your life. What if you give up on the love of your life, an otherwise perfect relationship, for something that you only started just wanting? People change their minds, but it sounds like if someone is changing all of the sudden on wanting kids, that it isn't real anyways. Is it going to be worth it if you leave the man you're about to marry to try to find someone comparable that wants kids? What happens if they end up leaving you/divorcing you and you're stuck raising the child on your own, or if you have the child and realize it wasn't for you. 6 months is a long time and a postponement sounds more practical than up and leaving a guy on a whim b/c your mind changes.
It's one thing if you had previously wanted kids and it wasn't talked about before the wedding arrangements, but if you change your mind to wanting kids, what's to make you think you wouldn't change your mind back to not wanting them?
9Just because you changed your mind doesn't mean he is going to. YOu need to decide sooner rather than later if this is a deal breaker. Waiting till after your married is not the answer you need to postpone the wedding and get some couples counselling. If you really want children than you need to find someone that wants them as badly as you do. Forcing him to have children is not going to make for a happy life for any one. I have always been very up front with the men I date and let them know that I do not want children and will not ever change my mind. If that is something they want they need to find someone else.
10Eveyone is entitled to change their minds. Especially about something like wanting children. Most of my friends never wanted kids. Then they got older. Now just about all of them have kids and are thrilled.
It would be a terrible thing to break off an engagement because someone changes their mind about something, but lets get serious here,taht's just a part of life. And maybe the guy would end up leaving her if she really DID want kids and then it became a serious issue in their marriage later down the road. Why marry someone who does want the same things as you in life. That's not fair to either one of them.
11This is tough--my boyfriend has changed his mind on this since we got together. He has a 13 year old son and thought he wouldn't want more kids. Now that we are together, he has changed his mind. I think it was part of the mondset that he never thought it would happen again. So, I think the other person could change their mind--just hve to talk about it. I know I want kids so I made that very clear.
12My boyfriend changes his mind on this every so often about this but I now deep down he wants kids.
13I don't know if this would apply, but maybe talk to him about having children in the very far future. I know my husband and I both have said we wanted to have kids but there's always an "eventually" at the end of that statement. In fact, I've told all friends and family members to give us ten years of marriage before asking us about kids. It works well for us because there isn't this pressure to procreate, but we know that some day there is the possibility of children *God willing* and that when that time comes we'll be older, more financially secure, more responsible, and "more ready" to be good parents.
14(reason for my comment is that a lot of men may think you want to have kids within the first two years of marriage and that might be what's scaring them, not really the having children at all part)
15deal breaker for me.
16both my hubby and i want kids at some point. In the past he has said he doesn't want kids but changed his mind when we got together. it's not a deal breaker for me.
17That would be a deal breaker for me.
18deal breaker for me too....but it isn't for everyone
19I am currently in this situation...though we are not married. Not quite a deal breaker yet.
20This was my life and a part of why I got divorced.
21I don't want kids, my ex-husband did. He wanted all of his children by the time he turned 27. When his 27th rolled around and he was childless he was very upset. He thought he could change my mind.
Yes, sometimes people's minds change about children. But, don't count on it if you REALLY want kids and he doesn't!
This is what the book Baby Proof is about, by Emily Giffin!
22I was struggling with some questions related to this topic and was looking up the topic online. I came across this thread, and until I registered to post a response, I had no clue that this was a women's site. Oh well. That being said, my story is as follows:
My wife and I got married last year at somewhat older ages (mid- to upper- 30s and she's older than me). Prior to engagement and getting married, we had this talk multiple times. Her sister had trouble conceiving and was only able to through fertility treatments. I was ambivalent about having children and we agreed that we'd let nature take its course and if it happened, it happened. And if it didn't happen, so be it and we'd have more money for nicer vacations.
Then we started trying 8 or 9 months ago. It hasn't happened and I'm perfectly content with that. She, on the other hand, has become obsessed with it and now wants to go through fertility treatments, etc. I have no desire to do that financially and personally, so we're at a tough point. If I hold my ground and say "no, we agreed we'd just take whatever would happen", then she will resent me. And her pushing me to change my mind and go through with something that I have no desire to do is causing/will cause me to resent her.
I love her and want this marriage to work. But as this obsession grows, our relationship drifts apart. I've compromised to some degree (going to get tested to see where the problem lies), but I only have so much I'm willing to do. And this reversal of course on her part makes me feel like she was duping me into getting married by telling me what she knew I wanted to hear.
Going into marriage without agreement on this issue and/or changing your mind on this issue once you're married is like poison to the relationship. The feeling that I'm struggling with of whether or not I can trust everything else we've agreed upon is eating away at me. Like I said, I'm hopeful we can end up on the same page, but if we don't, it's a deal breaker.
If you're not married yet, hold off. Figure this one out and don't wait until you're a couple years into marriage. And for those of you banking on changing your partner's minds, just know that resentment is sure to follow. Best of luck.
23"I had no clue that this was a women's site. Oh well."
Hey, that's okay. We have a few SugarBrothers on the network here. I appreciate your point of view.
Please feel welcome to post more often!
24It would be prudent to work this out before marriage.
If it were me, I'd postpone. Then think about it - hard. Only *you* can determine if this truly is a deal-breaker.
25I'm a woman and that would be my deal breaker. I don't want kids because I want to live for myself 100%. I also have no desire to ever raise another human being. Anytime I'm around kids, I just get very uncomfortable, I never "ooh" around them like so many women do. I also hate baby talk.
Just because other couples have kids doesn't mean that you should too. A person has to live for themselves and not for society.
26I stumbled upon this site and am so grateful and maybe I can get some really good feed back on my current issue. My boyfriend and I started started dating almost exactly one year ago. In the beginning, I made it clear to him when we became physically intimate that I do want to have more kids. He said he was open to this idea although never considered it again after having 3 kids already with his x-wife and having a vasectomy...however, none the less he said he was open and explained how he came from a large family his parents having 6 children. He also took measures to show me websites in which reversals were done with 90% plus effectiveness rate. As you can see there was no reason to doubt him. I find myself one year later in discovering that he indeed has had a change of heart and says he feels bad that he does not have the level of conviction as I do to having more kids. He wanted to continue to see me, though does not share my same dream.
I am heartbroken, confused, angry and sad....I feel completely duped like he did the 'ol bait and switch. What thoughts do you all have on this one? This most definitely was a deal breaker, I have broken things off....but am having trouble letting go of this. He continues to call and email me to tell me he misses me. What to do? I really feel that I fell in love with this man, my 3 year old son fell in love with this man too. Any thoughts are welcome.
27I am going through a tricky situation too. I got married on 17th may 2009 even though my fiance told me 4 days before we hitched that he doesn't desire kids..... i felt devestated as i want them at some point and he has always lead me to believe he felt the same. I went through with the wedding as we love eachother and I thought he may change his mind in the future. Since we got back from the honeymoon, it has really hit me, i do want kids and i feel i may have taken a too bigger risk on the fact that he may change his mind. He has also lied about our finances, he recently told me he has racked up thousands of pounds worth of debt. Our relationship is now so strained that we may have to get a divorce.
28My advice would be to seriosly think about what you want out of life, because it is a definate strain on the marriage... im living proof of that!
My partner has changed his mind for the 3rd time regarding the kids (and marriage) question, we have been together for 3 years, lived together for 2. After the last time he changed his mind to a "no", I tried to communicate with him and understand why he decided against it but he just kept coming back with "I don't know". It drove me crazy for 3 months so I moved out. We have been living apart for 3 weeks and now he blames me for making our relationship difficult by moving out and told me I should have just stayed and seen it through. Its really hard as I feel confused and unhappy about it all - should I have stayed even though I feel a real lack of trust in what he says about this issue now? Or should I just let it go and move on....I told him that in 6 months we would discuss the kids/marriage thing again and if he still 'didn't know' (or didn't want it) it was over. I don't know that I have 6 months in me for this...
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