Personally, I think that if he's the love of your life all your priorities change. Could you see yourself happy with him in the future if he never decides to get married and have children? Sometimes you have to make one sacrifice to have everything else. In this case you have to decide what is more important to you a husband and children or the love of your life knowing you may never get married and have children.

I'm sorry, are you dating my boyfriend?

My boyfriend is a free-spirit, happy-go-lucky musician who wasn't ready to commit when we met - and still isn't, if you look at the way he digs his heels every time we "take a step"! However, I've spent the past 3 years with him, and they have been the best of my life. Because even if they're not ready to do the whole marriage and children thing, it doesn't mean they can't love us to death and be really committed to us.

Little by little, he's letting himself grow into the couple stuff. We dated long distance for the first year and a half, and when I first mentioned moving to his side of the world (within 6 months), he freaked out so bad that we broke up for a few months. Then he came running back, because he loved me, and that was stronger than his violent need for freedom.

Last year he asked (yes, HE asked) if I would move - he wanted me there. So I did, crossed an ocean and came to live with him. At first we were going to live with friends, so it didn't have that aura of "we're settling in, bourgeois-style, and buying a dishwasher", but it turned out I hated living with them and after 9 months, he was ready to follow me into our first apartment. We sub-letted for a while, so he wouldn't feel too "I signed a piece of paper and I'm a prisoner for life" (that was my idea... and I never told him, but I knew that it would ease him into living together without a strong "adult" commitment), and finally, a couple of weeks ago, we found the apartment of our dreams and signed a 3 year lease.

We talk marriage and kids, but I know he's barely ready for one and absolutely not for the other - and I'm 31, not 25, so it's a bit more urgent for me than it is for you; but he's very kind and understanding about it, and he says that as much as I have to compromise in order to be with him, and wait a bit longer, he knows he'll have to compromise in order to have me, and have the kids sooner than he'd like.

You know, it doesn't mean they are not committed to us; it is only the rules and regulations of adulthood that they reject; it is very important to make the distinction. Sometimes I catch myself thinking he's absolutely right, and that everyone should do as they really please and as really fits them - why such a universal formula for everyone? In any event, his not being ready has nothing to do with YOU, it's about the idea he has about how he wants to live his life. It means in no way he will cheat on you, abandon you, drop you like a bad habit when the mood strikes, or not love you entirely. It only means he doesn't want to do it like his parents, just yet. I think it's great he's being honest about it.

So, what can I tell you? If you really love him, and he's the man of your dreams (and my boyfriend, god bless him, however annoying and immature he can be, definitely is mine!) you need to let the relationship grow a bit more at his own pace. When he says five years, he has no idea what the f*ck he's talking about. Mine has been saying "8 years" about kids for the past 3 years (so really, he should have told me "11 years" when we met?) They just say that to push the issue way back in the future and make us understand they're not ready. They think we want a defined date, so they say "this many years" - but they don't have a clue. One day, they WILL be ready, and it may be much sooner than 5 years (or 8 in my case, hopefully, or my ovaries will have fallen to the ground like dried up olives.)

The key is to manipulate gently. Not like a b*tch, mind you, with designs in mind, but by kindly and understandingly giving in to their need for more youth and more freedom and the space for their passion (my guy is INTENSELY into his music, and I cannot put myself in the way of that or he feels like I'm taking control - which makes him take 8 steps backwards.) It's about making concessions and making them feel like they are in control, and respected. That definitely makes them want to stick around forever. They just don't want to sign a piece of paper to that effect just yet...

So give him the time - on top of that, YOU have it. And enjoy him for who he is, because they are the type of people we are never bored with. They are passionate and unpredictable, they like to travel and they're curious about everything. I love being with my guy and I hope we never end up with the white picket fence and the country house - I would be so bored, after all these years of being crazy and fun and enjoying impromptu life so thoroughly!

He'll come around, in his own time, and because your presence, understanding and full of love, will make him grow into a man. Much faster than you fear, and than he thinks. Don't give up!

Holy cow that was long.

I think one year is too soon to be saying you could marry him and blahblahblah. however I would give it a lot longer than one year forget your bilogical clock and walk to the beat of your own drum

I agree with Jaime.

I think it's to your advantage that he's seven years older, because if he waits until he's in his late thirties or forties to settle down, you'll still be young. He does say that he wants to settle down some day, so I would trust him and wait it out as long as I'm happy. I bet it will be worth the wait.

I think the key issue is how much you enjoy your time together. If every day you feel happy to be together, to see him, that life is so much better because he is a part of it, I would say stay together for at least another year and see if you slowly move towards where you want to be like karlotta's relationship has done. He means it if he's consistantly by your side showing he loves you with actions if not words.
However, if he is always on the road and you're miserable, that's quite different. Also, if the need for a more solid commitment makes it impossible for you to enjoy the relationship for what it is now(=you think about what could be more than what is), choose to leave amicably with the possibility of getting back together. A few years of maturing might help both of you decide what is best and fate will bring you back to each other when the timing is right.

Maybe you should be patient. If you both are the love of each other's lives it will happen. I gave up the love of my life to marry someone who live on the same continent as me. Now, in retrospect; I should have waited.

i agree with crackaddict, despite the unpromising name {kidding} i think you should take this in your stride and don't panic so much, it's only been 1 year and that's basically the honeymoon period, take things as it comes, being so panicked by this could end up putting a strain on your relationship and u don't want to push him, he has said his piece and it sounds like he will be sticking to it. but if u feel in anyway that you just can't take this chance, then move on, there are plenty more men out there, it all comes down to how u feel though....

I really thought about this one and I have to be honest and say you need to LISTEN to him! This man is telling you that he is neither financially nor EMOTIONALLY ready to get married and he's telling you the truth. This man is 7 yrs older than you and has a pretty good clue at what he wants in life and marriage isn't it!

Even if he propsed to you tomorrow that still wouldn't change music being his passion, lots of traveling, and him going away on tours. Is this the life YOU want?

He's even giving you an out! I'm sorry hun but no man who has truely found the love of his life will let her get away so easily.

I think he's not as into this as you and it would probably be wise of you to move on soon. Gambling on the hopes that an older man will change his mind in 5 YEARS is foolish.

I agree with Jamie as well... if he is truly the love of your life then you wouldn't even be thinking about leaving because he's not sure he wants to get married. That part just wouldn't matter, especially not at this point in your relationship.

I think it's just about whether or not you're willing to make these sacrifices for your relationship...I'd say you have a lot of thinking to do.

Wait for another year, it is still early days.

Although I have waited for somebody like that for 3 years but I'm a little bit older, 34 years old. In the end realized it was never going to happen so I had to break up. I wish you luck.

Life isn't over at 30!

You say that 'I will have wasted my chance to find love in my 20s'. Obviously I understand the concept of wasting time, but is it so important to get married in your 20s?

Also, I understand the idea of a biological clock, but it doesn't stop ticking at 30 either, and you should be fertile for at LEAST another ten years! You hear about women in their 40s who have kids too, so please don't panic!

Keep talking. If you drive him away by bringing the topic up time and time again then he was never going to stick around anyway. If he really does see a future with you (or the possibility of a future with you) he should be willing to talk about it. You can't set ultimatums, but you may be able to set goals with this guy.

If his career is just taking off, it's understandable that he doesn't want to feel tied down, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you.

Relax! (For now, anyway.)

Karlotta: Are you a Scandinavian like me, living with and American?

I liked your answer a lot. I took it to heart, because I can identify with the post, and the way you describe your relationship. I too, do worry that I might be "wasting my time" with somebody who I deeply love, just to be dropped at the tender age of "I want to have babies and a family now".

It's a touchy subject, but I do believe in my heart that being with the one you love, for three years or thirty, is never a waste of time.

I agree with hotstuff.

Go date other people. If you don't find anyone you like better in the next few years, maybe by then this man will be ready to settle down, or you'll be more willing to settle for a relationship without the marriage and children part.

Leave the relationship. If he was the same age as you I would have said stick around b/c you're both still young and a year is not a long time, but if he's older and still not ready for marriage and all that, he isn't going to be - with you. It does not take guys forever to figure it out. I had a similar relationship, I am in my twenties, he was 5 yrs older, said he was not ready for all that so I left (well really I was hoping he wouldn't let me go, and if he was really in love w/me, I don't think he would have) and now he says he sees himself getting married to... someone else (they've been dating 7 months)!! It doesn't take guys long to figure out if someone is the one, and I don't think it's gonna be you for him. Sorry.

Im sorry but to me part of finding the love of your life also means that you share the same goals and have similar views on marriage and children. As much as I love my husband I wouldnt have stuck around if he said he never wanted kids, bc that is extremely important to me. And personally whenever I hear "hes a free spirit" it makes me think he cheats and doesnt see anything wrong with it- bc he has to be free and cant be tied down blah blah blah

If you leave him now, there's no guarantee that you'll be married with kids within five years. Nothing in life is guaranteed and every choice you make is a little gamble. You gamble by staying, because you run the risk he might not be ready in five years and maybe he'll never be ready. You gamble by leaving, because you don't know when and if you'll meet that someone.

It's a personal choice really, and the question of what risk you prefer to run.
I personally feel that no relationship is ever 100% secure and after a year of dating nothing is set in stone. If you open yourself emotionally you always run the risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

The fact that he tells you it's ok to go, means he either doesn't love you or loves you so much that he'd rather see you happy with someone else than unhappy with him. I guess you should find out which one it is.

Real and true love is a rare thing and you should think carefully before leaving that behind. Then again, you should never give up what you really want in life for someone else, because you will end up resenting him for it.

Good luck making a decision.

If you leave him now, there's no guarantee that you'll be married with kids within five years. Nothing in life is guaranteed and every choice you make is a little gamble. You gamble by staying, because you run the risk he might not be ready in five years and maybe he'll never be ready. You gamble by leaving, because you don't know when and if you'll meet that someone.

It's a personal choice really, and the question of what risk you prefer to run.
I personally feel that no relationship is ever 100% secure and after a year of dating nothing is set in stone. If you open yourself emotionally you always run the risk of getting hurt or disappointed.

The fact that he tells you it's ok to go, means he either doesn't love you or loves you so much that he'd rather see you happy with someone else than unhappy with him. I guess you should find out which one it is.

Real and true love is a rare thing and you should think carefully before leaving that behind. Then again, you should never give up what you really want in life for someone else, because you will end up resenting him for it.

Good luck making a decision.

When you are 40 you have on average 2-10% chance of becoming pregnant if you haven't had children previous to this. So, life does not stop at 30, and everyone does not need to be parents, but we shouldn't kid ourselves either.

Give it a little more time, 6 months or a year to see if you see any changes, and also to see if you can live with a travelling musician.

Wow! This is such a tough question! I think everyone gave some great advice, so I'll just offer another anecdote. My cousin dated seriously the hottest, most charming guys throughout her twenties. She has a "breeder" mentality, so she decided when she was 29, and none of the guys she had dated had wanted to settle down to seriously look only for guys who wanted to get married. She got married a year later to a really boring accountant she found online and had two kids in the next two years.

My point is...you don't HAVE to find love in your twenties, but if you wanted to, you could still do it even after dating this guy for a few years. It might be a compromise, but you have to figure out what your priorities are. Personally, I would just keep dating this guy. You are young, what if the next five years of your life are the best ever? Marriage is NOT the "start of the rest of your life" it is just another step in your life. Yes, if you're 30, and he still doesn't see himself settling down after five great years, then move on, but don't worry about if for now! Have fun with a "loving, honest" man!

he's made it clear that you aren't on the same page. what else do you need to know?

if you think he's going to change his mind because his love for you is so blinding and that he can't live without you, don't go there. here's what is most likely to happen; you give up what YOU want for him and then in 5 or 7 or 10 years you are still waiting for hin to grow up and settle down. this is YOUR LIFE, you make the decisions that are best FOR YOU. there are lots of men out there, lots of good men. i think you should part ways eith this guy. it's been nice but you want mutually exclusive things. one of you is going to be unhappy in the end, there is no other way given the wants you each have.

Hmmm I guess it depends how quickly you want to be married with kids. If you are ok just dating him until you are certain of this, then go ahead. But do not subtely manipulate him as someone else has suggested. I would think that he is probably with a girl like yourself who is substantially younger than him because no women his own age would stick around to see what happens, they wouldn't want to waste any time. No matter how much he loves you, he has made his terms very clear. He is a commitmentphobe who does not want kids or marriage any time soon or maybe ever. The fact that it sounds like he is already into his 30's makes me think that he knows what he wants because of experience. It is doubtful that he will change his mind soon, because this is usually the age where most men want to begin settling down and having a family. You said that he is your 'perfect man'. How is he your perfect man if he has totally different goals and values than you?? I don't understand. If you want to hang out with him and have fun, then go for it. But don't count on him changing what he wants for his future. Good luck.

i agree with hotstuff.

I hate to agree with smugirl, but I do... if you are feeling panicked now it might be a sign that you are ready for a more serious relationship, and if he isn't now (being so much older than you) I don't know if he will 7 years down the line either! Somebody else also made the point that if he is so much older than you he might think he can get away with not having to commit to you in any thing other than right now. If you're ok with being his "right now" girl, that's one thing...but from the sound of it...you aren't!

Basically, I have a fear that he will meet a girl that he will see himself with forever and it won't be you. He should know by now, and if he doesn't, he just doesn't see you that way. It makes me very annoyed at him to hear he can so casually let you go if you don't want to be with him. If he IS the love of your life he would be begging you not to go! The whole idea of letting you go because he loves you isn't something I agree with. If he loved you as much as you love him he would be terrified you'd leave.

Of course nobody here knows your situation exactly and I've been burned recently several times, so I'm bitter. My only bit of advice from my recent burnings is to not put up with the "emo crap" guys throw at you. Get more into the "He's just not that into you" mentality. Do what will make YOU happy long-term and not for just-right now. You deserve to be happy for longer than what this guy can promise.

I had to think about this post. I think that one year is a short time and you are young so I want to tell you to give it some time before you leave him. I am saying this because you say he is an amazing guy and everything else seems great. I believe that there is no such thing as a "waste of time". No matter how badly the relationship ends or does not go the way you planned, it is not a waste of time. You learn from it and you will know if you will change your priorities in the future or not. Obviously you are not truly ready to leave him so that tells me you should wait for a bit before you decide that you really do want to be married or if you would rather live your life with him.

why can't you just relax and bask in such a great relationship?

i commend him for being honest with you from the beginning. my advice to you is don't think you can change him. i'm sure he means what he says.

if you truly believe that happiness means being married by the time you're 30 and starting a family, then he's not the right guy for you. you are not on the same time line. you have this plan you're trying to adhere to...but, it's not his plan.

Let's seeeeee, he's the love of your life, he's honest, and the sex is great? Honestly sweetheart, stick with him. Is it more important to you to be married and have kids, or to be in love and happy? That might be a tough question to answer, but it shouldn't be.

Relationships like yours are rare. Wait it out. If he's not the one, you'll figure it out eventually. There's no hourglass that's going to run out once you turn a certain age. Be happy. Don't over-think things. Most women would kill for what you have. Granted, that might not make you feel any better, but trust that what you have is special.

I hate to say this, but this is not the man for you. He doesn't want the same things in the future that you want, and honestly, that's really important. Sure, he's great at everything else, but after a year, it's only natural to start looking towards the future. I say, you really have to move on. It'll only be hard on him if you want to constantly talk about marriage, kids and the future, and it'll be hard on you to realize you might be at a dead end. You can't wait around for him...You need to think about yourself. There's a guy out there that wants what you do!