Sounds like hubby has to stop drinking before he ruins his marriage. If this grown ass man gets blackout drunk and forgets whether he did anything with a grown ass woman then he has some major issues. I think he's flat out lying by saying he doesnt remeber but use his lie against him and throw his dumb ass into AA or tell him you dont want him drinking anymore.

Maybe, if you feel comfortable, you should get yourselves to couples counselling to figure out why he gets so drunk that he blacks out and why he would automatically go find another woman, whether he is doing anything with them or not the bottom line is he leaves you at the party and goes to 'hang out' with some other woman. Time to lay in on the line and stop this guy from taking it to any other levels... especially if he thinks you're gullible enough to believe he "cant remember"

"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"

When you are socializing he doesn't need to drink at all. If he gets different after he drinks he should not be drinking. Because he started to cry and tell that he loves you after you confronted him I would think something happened. I would not trust him either. I suggest counseling. I think it would be the best thing to do for you and for your marriage. By the way did you confront you girlfriend after the incident happened?

Wow...after 30 years of marriage, and children, you would think your husband would get his act together after cheating on you the first time. Clearly, you shouldn't trust him. Go to counseling, make sure he gets help as well for his alcohol problem. Besides couples counseling, I think you should also seek therapy on your own.

In your post, you said you are "tired of living like this". Are you staying with this guy for the sake of your children? Or because the thought of being divorced and alone scares the living daylights out of you? I don't care if he only drinks when you guys socialize. He does untrustworthy things when he drinks, and then claims to not remember. What woman can possibly fall for that line? And then the crying? My god, he should just not mess up in the first place. He clearly has issues that need to be addressed as well, and I think he should come clean if he did cheat on you those two times he disappeared with your friend and his co-worker's wife. Then you can move on from there - do you choose to stay with him and support each other during this time? Or are you ready to move on, focus on yourself, and possibly find love once again?

30 years is a very long time...but just remember, there is more to life than a cheating husband and a shaky marriage.

I think you already know good and well that he is lying and he is cheating on you. You've just decided to turn your head and go through this for 30 years. As far as what can you do, you can sit there and take it for another 30 years or end it all and find a man who treats you the way you deserve to be treated. I know it's hard to end a 30 year marriage, which I doubt you would, but honestly what more do you expect to hear? You can hear the "go to counseling" routine but after 30 years this is who he is. Both of you are at fault here. I know you know better than to believe a lame lie like "I don't remember". It's not like he has to drink when you socialize. So this all really boils down to you. Keep accepting this behavior or move on. I mean this is a man that doesn't even respect you enough to NOT cheat with your "friends"!

I know this is all easier said than done. I'm just being honest! I know you deserve so much better than this.

I hope that younger women can learn from this, this is why I stress the importance of paying attention to RED FLAGS! He did this in the second year of marriage and as you can see not much has changed. People show you who they are the FIRST time!

It seems pretty clear he's cheating on you. After 30 years of marriage it's possible he needs sexual satisfaction outside your marriage. If you two love each other otherwise and are a great pair, then perhaps you can find a way for him to engage in such activity in a way that you are both okay with. He is certainly being ridiculous about rubbing it in your face, especially with your friends and coworkers etc.

If you aren't okay with him being sexual outside your marriage, then you should leave him. It all depends on what you are okay with.

seek professional help, this is beyond friendly advise.

It must be humiliating for you to know that your friends and his co-workers know of his obvious indescretions and they are continually happening after thirty years. I agree with those above me who have said to either tell him to stop drinking or get into AA. He is disrespecting you to the highest degree and then seemingly lying about it; at his age, he should be able to drink without blacking out and he should be able to tell you the truth about what he is doing. Get rid of him if he does not agree to stop drinking, it is not worth him giving you some type of venereal disease.

I'd let him know that after this long, if he wants to keep you then stop the drinking. It becomes a problem if you can't remember things (whether or not anything did really happen) because one time it could actually lead to something, or he or you could be put into danger and he won't be sober enough to be able to handle the situation. If he's having trouble "remembering" then you need to make sure that he stops this drinking asap! It seems like an outlet and you guys may need to seek some outside counseling, he could be trying to avoid issues with you or with work, or something else that has come up. So just stand your ground, let him know it isn't ok and that the drinking MUST cease!

Can I just say that this whole drinking thing is just an excuse. It's not like he magically turns into a cheater when he drinks. He's just not as efficient at not getting caught when he drinks. God only knows what he gets away with when sober! So don't make excuses about alcohol, open your eyes for once and accept the situation for what it is! After 30 years, enough excuses for this man already!

When asked about his were abouts during these times, is he saying he DIDN'T do anything? or is he saying he doesn't remember if he did anything? Big difference there.... this guy sounds a lil shady to me. Missing on your wedding day for 25 minutes...thats messed up!! If he cheated once and was caught, what makes you think he isn't/wont do it again (with out getting caught the next time).

You're received some excellent advice already.

Your situation reminds me of the quote, "Drunk words are sober thoughts." Well, actually, in your case, it's really "Drunk BEHAVIOR are sober thoughts."

You've put up with this for 30 years. You forgiven and reconciled with him when he had an affair. You accepted his behavior of "flirting and gawking at other women," and suspiciously disappearing with them WHEN YOU WERE PRESENT. (Incidently, it's been alleged that the former President JFK did this with his wife Jackie, too.) Your husband is not even discrete about it. You know what he's like.

At this point, if I were you, I would simply ask myself this: Am I better off with or without him? I would either leave him, or stay in the marriage depending on my personal answer. And if I stay in the marriage, I would have to accept his cheating ways. Sorry, at this point, I don't think he's going to change. Just like Jackie, if you decide to stay in the marriage, you may have to resign to accept your husband's adulterous nature.

I honestly think that your "hubby" is just using the I am drunk as an excuse. You should seek marriage counseling to save your marriage. I believe that he is hiding some things. and Your so called friend needs to come clean about the little insident.

I can't imagine living with this for 30 yrs. No one is worth that much.

Wow, this is a great example of how a leopard CAN'T change its spots! For all those naive girls thinking it's eventually gonna change...think again...this lady is 30 yrs and STILL counting!

you've been married a long time. this problem deserves professional advice. good luck to you!!

If he truly can't remember, he's an alcoholic and you must demand AA if he wants the marriage to continue.

Otherwise, divorce him. Why allow him to treat you like a fool your whole life? You're probably the laughing stock of your social circle. End it and move on. It's never to late to find someone who loves and respects you.

If your husband turns into a horny teenager when he's drinking, and that horniness is not directed at solely yourself, you need to encourage him to stop drinking. It is possible to socialize without alcohol.

I don't think anyone actually *needs* sex outside of marriage, no matter how long they've been married. They might want something different for a change - they may even feel they're "entitled" to it, but they certainly *don't* need it. Humans have control over how, when, where and with whom we engage sexually (except in the cases of rape, of course,) and we can set and observe boundaries for our sexual behaviour. It may not always be easy or fun, but it's a choice not a need.

I truly think one of the reasons divorce is so common is that people, when getting married, agree to certain limits and boundaries to their sexual activity - monogamy for starters - but then when they feel a desire to sleep with someone other than their spouse, instead of recognizing it as something they want they can choose to set aside and honour their oaths to their spouse, they justify it as "needing" something that their husband/wife isn't giving them or come up with stories to try and excuse or justify their choices, such as "I couldn't help myself, I'd been drinking," or "S/he was coming on to me, and I found myself unable to resist - but it didn't mean anything," or any of an infinite number of excuses people have been known to come up with.

If you husband hadn't been doing anything with these women, I think he'd just come right out and tell you, and he certainly wouldn't start crying. It seems to me that even if he genuinely can't remember what happened, his crying could be indicative of a guilty conscience - he may not *remember* what he's done, but he knows himself well enough to guess what he's done, you know?

I think that before making any decisions on whether to continue the marriage or not, you and your husband should seek out family counseling - and use the time there to talk with him about your concern over his drinking and what ever other behaviour he might be engaging in while he's drinking, and discuss what he needs to do to correct his behaviour. If you want to have a chance at salvaging your marriage - and if he's sincere about trying to mend his ways - you'll need to offer him as much support as you can, but make it clear you expect him to work at this, seriously. Let him know that he must do what is agreed to in your therapy sessions and that he must keep ALL of his promises to you. Give that a try, see if things improve, and then decide what to do from there.

Good luck with everything!

Der, wake up and smell the evidence. 30 years is a long marriage, but you shouldnt be buying his "i cant remember" BS. Tell him outright that you smell what he has stepped in, and your willing to talk about it and go from there.

Oh man I feel so bad for you. You don't deserve to live like this. Please, for the sake of yourself and your sanity, pack up and leave. I am not saying divorce just yet - but pack up and leave. It ought to scare him enough to realize you are through being his "clueless" wife. And when I say leave- I mean weeks- months even. Go plan a vacation - stay with the kids- find friends. Just do it please. Eventually you will find your self-worth and you will better be able to judge if this man is worth staying with.

Honestly, I've been at my drunkest, and TRUST ME, I still remember enough to know whether I had sex, didn't have sex, was groped, etc. HE IS LYING. Never believe him when he says he can't remember...The only reason for him to use that excuse is if he was roofied. He's obviously got wandering eyes...I would tell you to move on, but having a family with a man makes this so much harder. I suggest you think about whether you need him or not because this is not a guy you can trust. And it seems a shame for you to waste your life with a man that doesn't appreciate you.

I think the 'I don't remember' thing is just complete bullsh*t. I agree that when I was at my drunkest, I still knew what was going on unless I was no longer conscious. He uses the alcohol as an excuse for his behaviour. Don't buy it. I hope you get counselling. I hope you find someone else who treats you with respect. I know that you don't want to hear this, but I strongly suspect he has been cheating on you your entire marriage. He obviously has no conscience or respect for you! You have lived in denial for a long time. Time to wake up and decide that you deserve better. Even if you honestly belive that he is only flirting (which I doubt), then that is disrespectful to you. He doesn't respect you. You need to learn to respect yourself more, and to stop putting up with this treatment.

I am truly sorry that you have spent 30 years dealing with this. It would have been much easier leaving him after 2 years of marriage. Things will never change with him in the future. I think you know that. So you now have 2 choices. Stay with him & allow him to continue hurting & cheating on you or leave. It will be hard to leave but your life will eventually change for the better. Good luck to you.