Dear Sugar,
I started seeing an awesome guy a few months ago. We have great conversations and our sexual relationship is amazing. Unfortunately, there are a few issues. For one, he is twice my age (I’m 24), and he also happens to be one of my college professors. The problem now is that somebody has told the college that he and I have a very "close" relationship and he's received a warning about getting involved with a student even though I'm more than consenting of our relationship.
He’s worried about his job, but I don’t want to lose him. He wants to end things with me but I want be selfish and ask him if we can stay together even if it means that we only spend time together on weekends, and avoid going out in public, and never interact on campus. What should I do?
— Dangerous Liaisons Lucy
To see DearSugar's answer, read more.
Dear Dangerous Liasons Lucy,
Although student relationships with college professors are not uncommon, it's your unconcerned nature that worries me most. It's true that you are both consenting adults, but your boyfriend is still breaking an extremely important code of ethics that he's required to uphold for his position. Regardless of how you both feel about one another, from the school's standpoint, one of their employees is taking advantage of his position of power and violating the rules, which can lead to suspension, losing his position, and making it difficult for him to get work at other schools.
You and your boyfriend needs to sit down and discuss the implications of staying together. Obviously the consequences are more dire for him than they are for you, so if he decides to end things, I think it's important that you respect that. Likewise, if the relationship continues and ends up being exposed, it's important to remember that there will be personal implications for your relationship as well. Either way, it's time to take a step back — I would avoid any contact with each other at school or in public. In such a serious situation, the most important thing is to avoid looking at the situation from an emotional point of view and focus on considering things as rationally as possible.
Whistles
Paul Smith
Mexx
You should back off if the school administration is involved. He may like you but may need to step away if his job is on the line, he could also be looking for an easy way out and using this as an excuse. He is an idiot for getting involved with a current student and he should have known better than to get involved with you. Legally it is fine once grades have been submitted, but frowned upon. All the work that he did to get his degree then tenure could be jeopardized by this relationship and he may not get on at another university if dismissed.
I think you should back off, focus on finals, and then the two of you can see if your relationship can go anywhere once he is no longer your professor. I hope he is isn't in your department because that can make things awkward for you down the road as well since he has colleagues that will need to have dealings with you in the classroom.
1Its quite simple-Either drop the class and continue the relationship, or cool it until the semester is over and you're no longer his student. Dating a former prof is ethically fine, if occasionally frowned upon, however, shagging the man who is currently grading you is never cool.
2Students have been having affairs with their professors for as long as there have been universities. And if he's with you, he's been with others before. You're young, this affair is turning into something else now, so why not just walk away with your head held high; before things get ugly.
3Wait, so your datiing your current teacher? Wow, your like those girls everybody hated because you just knew she had something going on with the teacher, which is totally UNFAIR to the rest of the hard working students in the class!
You two seem so selfish! It sounds like you didn't even have enough sense to keep it on the DL! I see why you still want to keep going with this even AFTER you got caught because you have no conscience. Oh well if he loses everything right? Either drop the class and keep dating or stop dating and take things up at a later time. I'm sure he's well aware that he's taking advantage of a student half his age and he knew this was wrong from the get go. Ugh, sorry its just hard for me to feel bad for you two it sounds like you deserve each other!
4One of my professors in grad school married one of his graduate students who went through the program a few years before I did, and he has kids that are in their mid-late teens. From what I hear they're very happy and actually had a baby a few years ago. However, this does not work out so well for everyone...and it's really not fair to the other students if you're IN the class while you're sleeping with the guy. I think it's fine to date an older guy if that's what you're into, as long as he's not married...but basically he's risking his job and reputation as long as you're his student. If I were you, I'd break it off (for now) and drop his class. When you're finished with school, you can resume the relationship and neither of you will have to feel bad about it!
5This doesn't sound like anything more then a sexual relationship. Especially since he's willing to just break up with you. Face it, you both knew what you were getting into and it's not about you consenting it. It's inappropriate to date your current teacher.
6The fact that you were completely consenting doesn't make his relationship with you any less inappropriate.
From your story it sounds like from the beginning you two have handled things quite stupidly. You could have waited until he wasn't your teacher. You could have taken precautions to avoid becoming gossip fodder. A man his age should know better.
This is clearly just infatuation. If it was anything deeper you would be more concerned with his welfare than your own desires. Which is good news in a way. It means that you'll get over it.
And I seriously doubt that he hasn't done this with other students.
7Man that sucks. Isn't your semester just about over. Are you still not allowed to see each other if he is not your current teacher. All I have to say is you have to make a sacrifice. If you can't be seen in public or around campus then that is what you need to do to be together.
8You need to keep it private until school is over and try your hardest not to have any classes with him next semester. They can't do anything if he's not your professor. It's like having a relationship with your supervisor. Don't let your relationship get in the way of his job because at his age he's worked hard to get to this point.
9lol just had to say this...At least you will get an A in his class.
10Let me address the first issue: Gross. Please date someone your own age. I'm sorry, but you are 24, there is nothing you have in common with your professor besides maybe the fact that he wears the same cologne as YOUR FATHER!!!!!
11Lol, there's nothing wrong about dating an older man, but I think that you shouldn't put his job in jeopardy for your own pleasure. Besides, do you want to be known as the girl who slept with Professor so and so?
Anyways, to give some advice...I think you should definitely bring up what you mentioned in your post - seeing each other in private and being really careful. But for how long can you keep this up? And also, if he says no, then you would have to respect his decision and not become one of those crazy stalker girls that you see in some movies.
12he already told you that he wants to end things. why are you still thinking there's anything to decide?
13If you two really care for each other, then put the relationship on hold until he is no longer your professor.
Not to sound harsh, but if you really felt so strongly about him, wouldn't you be willing to put an end to things, at least temporarily, to prevent him from getting fired? Your behavior does sound a little selfish, and it's clear that he's okay with breaking up with you in order to save his position at the university.
Oh, and Marci is probably right: if he's having an affair with you, then odds are he's had affairs with other students. Do you really want to be *that* girl?
14He's breaking up with you because he could lose his job.It's obvious that he's already made his choice.Let the relationship go so that you can continue to go to school without losing your privacy and most importantly your self repect.If this affair should get out the sh*t is really going to hit the fan and it might be alot more than you're both prepared to handle.
15Just wait until your class with him is over. If you still have feelings for each other, you can date then. My mom ended up marrying one of her professors. It can work!
16If he was reprimanded and thinks his job is on the line, I have no idea why you think this is still up for debate. Jobs aren't always easy to come by, especially if you were fired for sleeping with a student. I can totally see why he would break things off, and you should accept his decision no matter how much it hurts you.
17He chose his job over you. Let it go.
And honestly, while dating an older man is certainly not taboo, dating someone who is TWICE your age is such a bad idea! You and this man likely have completely different life goals. If you are just with him for the sex, I'm sure that there are plenty of men your age who would be willing to do the deed.
18i agreed with DCRoamer - he chose his job over you, and so you can ASK him to keep hiding it and see him only on weekends incide your house, but thats not a healthy relationship, and will potentially satisfy you sexually but thats about it...move on.
19Pff. I don't see why people have to be so uptight about dating your teacher. It's not like he's gonna be giving you straight As that you didn't earn, that would be stupid. And for people who have a problem with the age difference... get a life?
20Talking about dating teacher I'm actually in a class with a young professor and I wouldnt mind dating him. I think he is very smart and charming but I wouldnt date him while I'm in his class because that can be alittle complicated. And if I do end up dating him it will be kept on the DL cause I dont want to have to deal with those type of gossip. Not only for my sake but for the sake of his career.
You are alittle insecure girl who would rather ruin a old mans career to satisfied your sexual being. What is your problem the man picked his career over you, so move on are you that ugly to ask a silly question like that? LEAVE HIM ALONE stalker
21Post New Comment
Please share your opinion with our community, but make sure it is on topic and follows our Community Rules. We moderate comments and prohibit personal attacks, threats, spam, lewd images, or the promotion of your personal website.