I wouldn't say he's being inconsiderate. I'd just say that he really SUCKS at mindreading.

If the guy is a major sweetie like you say, just tell him flat out you need some help.

Say, "It would make me day if you could pick up x, y, and z at the store the next time you go shopping since I cannot find time to go myself."

I have to say though, it sounds like you want him to run you food to the library, run to the store for you etc. To me that is more like a personal assistant than a BF. I mean, it would be nice for him to do these things once or twice for you, but to EXPECT them, and to expect he just magically knows to do it, is a bit much.

I mean, does he have hours upon hours of free time? Or does he have his own sh*t to do also?

It may not be that he's completely inconsiderate, there may be other reasons.

There's a possibility that your bf thinks since you're so stressed out, you need to be left alone because most guys kind of like to be left alone when they're stressed out instead of being 'coddled' or nurtured.
Some women are more nurturing (like you are, you go the extra mile to nurture your friends and family) and want to be nurtured as well.

Another one too, if you're so stressed out that you're snapping at him (or he feels like you're snapping at him), the chances of him voluntarily picking up stuffs for you is rather slim because he doesn't want to do anything wrong to aggravate you more. I'm just saying this looking at how my hubby and my dad (esp. my dad) are, they avoid to do any grocery shopping for the household because they (unfortunately, they're right about this) don't know crap about it. My dad is even worse, and he got on my mom's nerves every time he 'mucked up' about grocery, and the sad thing is he means well But yeah, that's how they are.

If you need something picked up, tell him in specific (ask nicely). He's not a mind reader (like pop says). Be clear about the 'brand' too if you are particular about it or particular about the price. That's what I do all the time, although there are some rare moments when my hubby actually picked up some grocery for me without being asked, but it's RARE.

Good luck to you w/ exams and all.

*Unconditional love is a beautiful thing, just be sure to give it AFTER your conditions have been met.*

Frankly, I think you need to grow up and take care of yourself. You took on all this responsiblity and it's not your boyfriend's problem. You also can't expect him to read your mind. When you're in a real bind, nothing's stopping you from calling him and saying "Is there any way you could bring me a coffee later?" or "Would you mind grabbing a half gallon of milk tonight?" If he feels like it, he'll grab a few extra things you could use, or offer to bring the coffee next time. But don't be surprised if he doesn't feel up to it. You probably aren't spending any time on him lately, and he may not feel like being extra nice.

I have to agree with the others here. It seems like you're expecting him to take care of everything without really communicating with him. If someone called me inconsiderate because they dropped a "hint" and I didn't pick up on it, I'd be very upset at that person for just assuming I'd take care of them.

Additionally, you seem a bit inconsiderate about your boyfriend. I'm sure he's working, studying, or both just like yourself. It's important to realize that he's busy as well. Even when he's not busy, doesn't he deserve some time to rest? Remember, while you say the two of you are very supportive toward others and each other, he can't run to your every beck and call, nor can you to his. Consider his intentions as well. Isn't it possible that he's not showing up to your study session because he doesn't want to distract you?

In the nicest way possible: Suck it up and focus on more important things, like your finals!

Guys are simple and dont' think as complicated as we do! He may really not even be picking up on any subtle hints you're giving him short of "can you please pick this up for me sweetie?"

So you can't blame him for not thinking like you do. Don't play games, if you want something, ask for it, simple as that.

hmm i guess what the other ladies said is true. but if once in a while you need need need a mocha and a sandwich, i would ask very sweetly, but only if he has just told you that he is not busy doing anything. ask him a few times when you really need it and he is free and if he comes through show him how happy you are about it. after that it may occur to him to do it on his own as an excuse to visit you.

my boyfriend and i share one vehicle and he constantly wants me to go pick up lunch for him when i have the car for the day (i am on mat leave and not technically doing anything) and i don't mind when theres a good reason (like the cafeteria closed early), but if he wants me to waste our gas and go out of my way driving 15 minutes to get what he is craving i start to get very annoyed. (then he better start begging) so ask within reason! are there no good places to get food on campus? is your man aware of the situation?

damn, he can't bring a b*tch a sandwich, a pack of Red Vines, a root beer, and some Flammin' Hot Lays chips to the library????

and you're a b*tch for wanting that????

when people are in grad/med/law school everything is VERY stressful. you know that the person is going to be on edge, and that they are gonna be a bit more needy (not in a bad way IMO).

i've been in these situations before, and my BF never had a problem trying to keep the levels of insanity down by hookin' a sista up; bringing food, coming over to cook for me, coordinating flash cards, getting my car washed (but HE wanted the car washed, i could care less how dirty it was at the time, but nevertheless).

and trust me, i get a bit snippy snappy when i'm under stress . . .okay i'm a huge B*TCH with whip cream on top.

but then again, my friends, family and S.O know how to deal with me, and know what's up with me.

i dunno, OP. i think if you were saying that your BF was in grad school and was a bit ticked that you didn't do extra stuff for him, some chicas on here would be saying you're an inconsiderate gf and you better hope he doesn't leave you for someone who doesn't mind running a few errands for him.

If he read your mind, you might enjoy that (sometimes). If he caught every hint you ever threw his way, you would probably love that. But, is having to say "please?" and then getting the support you need from him really all that bad...?

You're not even having a problem with him not giving you what you ask for. Your only problem is he isn't reading your mind and catching subtle hints. Really not that much of a problem...

And, by the way, where are all your friends that you bring flowers to and buy drinks for? Why are you only expecting him to hop to it?

Oh and Asia84, that is fantastic that your boyfriend is so tuned in to your needs and has the free time to meet them all. But, I'm not sure that's the norm. I could be wrong, but I think that's a lot closer to "wow, what a freaking fantastically considerate SO" than "yah, that's pretty much what everybody's SO does, so everybody should expect it at all times".

I'd just ask him outright if he'd be willing to do things like that for you once in a while. That should make a difference. You have to ask for what you want. Dropping hints is for teenagers you can always tell him what you want or need.

i agree that the OP should just tell him what she needs from him. not every guy picks up on these things.

no, not every guy is awesome, but after 3 years, he shouldn't have an issue with being there for you and vice versa. she (the OP) just needs to talk to him.

it doesn't have to be a "you need to be this, this, and that!" but just tell him that you're sooo tied up with school and you really need a good support system (which in my mind cosists of BF, mom, and friends. not JUST the bf). tell him it would really help if he could help ya out during this time, and that this is just a hurdle that needs to be overcome to benefit "our" future (assuming you plan on eventually marrying the guy).

that's all you can do is talk to him.

I agree that men have less intuitive powers and just need and prefer direct communication - except when it comes to saying I love you to their GF, but that's a whole other story - So just tell him directly but gently; that you need him, need to feel helped by him and that it would be great if he could do these small things for you and that you know he is sweet and considerate inside because you've seen him like that before. If that doesn't work, promise him he'll be gettin' some each time he does nah just kidding, it's not good to misuse our feminine powers like that .

BTW...my BF has an uncanny knack for this...he knows exactly what i need and what i'm thinking, even when I'm trying to hide it, he's brilliant at this

Guys are pretty simple creatures... If you really want him to try a little harder, just straight out tell him you've been stressed out lately and feeling like he hasn't been there for you as much. Ask if he would mind doing a couple of little things for you to keep you cheerful.

It would hack me off if someone just hinted around instead of telling me what the h*** they want. MANIPULATIVE & insincere. Just ask him, if you'd like something. Also, you're wanting him to do the work (pick up your slack) to allow you to have time/energy to do those "sweet" things for everyone else & get all the glory. My guess is he resents it. I sure would; it seems pretty phony & passive-aggressive.

Hints are for the weak. I swear when someone tries to do this, it just pisses me off. Don't pussyfoot, just say it! Be like the commercial and just do it! I hate it when women try to pull this bull.

I agree that guys aren't the best at reading minds - sometimes you just have to spell it out for them and say, "Hey on your way do you mind getting me Starbucks?" But it's weird that your boyfriend of three years doesn't from the inside do anything considerate. Since when is it normal for a long-term boyfriend to never say, "Hey do you need anything while you study?" They forget or are clueless sometimes but to never be considerate/thoughtful/nice when the girlfriend is super busy studying? Maybe I am just way beyond lucky with my guy.

I also think you should stop dropping hints, it will only drive the both of you insane. Just talk it out.

Be direct with him about your needs. Since you are on limited time you don't have time to dork around the issue. When I was taking my oral and written quals I told my guy I needed him to step up and handle cooking and cleaning duties for a while. We laid this out weeks before those two exams. He sucked and did not help take care of me like I requested. A few months later I got into an accident and couldn't cook or do much of anything again... I dropped major weight because he couldn't step up. In our relationship I have learned I am on my own in these matters no matter how well laid out we communicate and I tell him I need him to do specific things. At least I know it isn't from my lack of communicating. He is learning, but he has a slow learning curve.

Subtlty is completely lost on men. Tell him straight up you need some help and some extra loving care.

"Don't fall for someone who's not willing to catch you"

I agree. Subtlety usually does not work on men at all. You have to be completely straight forward and clear about what you want/need from him. But your demands seem strange to me-that you expect him to drive all the way to your school just to give you food/coffee! You aren't able to get some for yourself!? I am not really understanding why you would get so upset about this. However, I know how you feel in some ways because I am a student as well, yet my fiance expects me to do all the cooking and most of the cleaning. Although he does work long hours. I don't think most men are natural caretakers. They are used to women (especially their mommies) taking care of them all the time.

As a graduate student who also works part time (because someone has to pay tuition), has a thesis to finish, and has zero time for my family, friends, and a live-in boyfriend who neither reads minds nor picks up the slack - I can really understand the way this girl feels.

I think we should all be able to expect more out of men. Assisting in the basic tasks that are necessary for survival isn't mind reading - it's common sense. I have a man who can't seem to do the dishes, can't remember to put the laundry in the dryer, and can't make a healthy meal to save either of our lives. He's a great guy, but quite frankly I expect more and I think this girl isn't being unreasonable about thinking a brother can drop off a sandwich without her having to tell him to do so. I find it profoundly irritating that if I want something done that is a common sense task that is part of basic life, I still have to take time out to ask for it explicitly. Especially since 90% of the time it's something that needs to be done anyway. It bothers me more to read that someone like me, who is basically in the same position, is being told she should suck it up. I think it's pertinent that instead of excusing things as being part of male human nature, we quit accepting the fact that they can't do anything and making it ok when our men can't figure out how to be our partners.

As a last note, my general sense about people being incredulous that someone would want food and coffee makes me think these are women who have never had the pleasure of going to a really intense grad school and being stuck in a lab until 4:00 in the morning for two weeks straight because you're on a deadline. This isn't complaining or being unable to do things yourself, this is the reality of working on high level research 90 hours a week (and then graduate and work in high level positions 90 hours a week). Everyone in your life becomes a conscious choice and an extra effort, and there's a certain point when you start to think that you have enough going on and it would just be easier if there were no one around to waste the hope of getting a late night sandwich from.

Oh, C'MON! If you want something, just say it or FREAKING DO IT YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!! Don't expect others to read your mind and then have the audacity to get mad when they don't. Taking responsibility for yourself is part of being an adult.

Wow either some people are being unnecessarily harsh or girls need to UP their standards. Asking for coffee and/or sandwich is NOT that much. Dropping hints is not being an adult? Granted if someone passive aggressively does it then yeah that is a bit immature, but like cococakes said that stuff is COMMON SENSE. Dropping hints for common sense stuff is a way of doing it nicely, without nagging AND a way of trying to help the other person FIGURE IT OUT! That stuff should be done, and yeah guys may not be so sensitive, keen or aware of nuances such as needed coffee or small gestures, which is why girls should help them. I think it is fine to complain about something like this, it is completely justifiable. But then again I am an incredibly demanding, stressful, intensive graduate school program. I think you are muuuuuuch more likely to see this side of it if you have been in such a program. Regardless, people need to chill out and not be so judgmental. People write on these boards for some constructive advice not senseless, quick-to-judge banter.

Cococakes---couldn't have said it better myself! I agree with 100% of what you said! I know EXACTLY how you feel!!!! Wish you the best!!!

It's funny because a couple of people here have alluded to sexism in the comments. I can honestly say that if the roles were reversed and this was say...a comment from a man who said he worked long hours and was upset that his girlfriend wasn't - without him so much as asking nicely - hand delivering snacks and drinks to him...my response would have been more like WTF!? She's NOT your servant!!.

I may not have been in graduate school, but I've worked on the stock market in an intense, sometimes 100 hour a week position. I don't recall at any time expecting anyone to read my mind and hustle over to my office with whatever I felt like consuming. When I was hungry, couldn't get out of there and didn't remember to bring anything with me, I would pick up the phone, call my BF and ask him if he wouldn't mind doing me a favor. Because that's what this is.

And, I might add that after you've given your BF the respect of treating him like a human being whose time and energy are as valuable as your own, you might take the time to apologize for being supremely unavailable and to thank him for being so understanding! Because, not only are the men who are willing to play the part of your psychic errand boy few and far between, but there are actually a lot of men who get quite pissy about being in a relationship with the equivalent of a coma patient who is so wrapped up in what she's doing that they only see her when she's passed out next to them in bed. So, if he's understanding and supportive of your commitment to grad school, you are already ahead of the game.

Sheew, I realize that was a little harsh but I'm getting quite annoyed at the suggestion that my husband - then BF - who was totally understanding of my insane work schedule for years and happy to do the favors I politely asked of him was somehow dropping the ball on our relationship.

I don't care what the others are saying about men not having mind powers and being silly for wanting some attention...I have flat out told my man that what I NEED for the relationship to continue is for romance even if its just taking me to the pub after a long stressful day. He STILL has not done anything even though he has promised to try harder. No you are not wrong for feeling like you need some comfort and sometimes men mean well but just don't follow through, but that doesn't mean that you are being silly unless you haven't made yourself clear.

HappyKate - No one thinks the poster is being silly for "wanting some attention", it's for wanting him to KNOW she wants it without having to say anything that is silly. The title of the post is "How Can I Tell Him To Be More Considerate", she goes on to say that "I've been dropping hints" and asks "How can I explain to him how I'm feeling?" Given that, I really don't think she has "made herself clear".

As for your BF, if you have told him exactly what you need from him and he just doesn't come through for you, that's a definite problem. It's not silly to want attention or to be upset when you've explained yourself and he doesn't react. It's only silly to expect a partner to know what you need without telling him or to expect him to pick up on hints rather than speaking up like a grown woman.