There's always been a lot of controversy surrounding open relationships — you know, those relationships where a committed couple mutually decides to partake in outside sexual encounters separate from one another. While I’ve never entertained this idea, I know that for a surprising number of couples, open relationships do work. Of course, the couple has to set some general ground rules in order to prevent things from getting out of control, but even then, I can't imagine how emotions don't get in the way — even the least possessive of us still have the potential for jealousy under the right circumstances.
Where do you stand on the subject? Is an open relationship a good idea for a committed couple not interested in society's concept of monogamy, or is it a recipe for disaster?
Balenciaga
Chloﾎ
Aminaka Wilmont
A couple that I'm friends with are in an open relationship. I know this because one of them propositioned me when I was single. As much as I'm respectful of people's relationships and their decisions within them, I just didn't feel comfortable getting involved. It's hard to trust that you're not going to cause some kind of problem for them, or to trust that their relationship is healthy enough to be open. Then there's the question about whether it's really open (how do you confirm that? call the girlfriend?) or if the guy's a jerk.
1Hmmmm...to each their own, I suppose.
But so not for me.
2I never could because for me I equate sexual intimacy with a committed relationship. But then I've never been one for one night stands or even casual sex.
3No way would it happen within my relationship.
4I personally could never do it, but I see nothing wrong with mature, consenting adults partaking in open relationships.
5I'd be ok with it as long as it was purely sexual. I don't think I could stand my husband loving someone else but just having sex, I could deal. Him, on the other hand, I don't think he could handle it. I think casual sex is just that, casual and fun, nothing more.
6my ex wanted to go that route, for totally selfish reasons, and i promptly dumped him (not the only reason, just the nail in the coffin!) - it was mostly his approach rather than the concept itself which pissed me off ("so i met this other chick, how would you feel about having my babies while i screw her?" - um, how about no?)
i know some people who have 'arrangements' and for some relationships it has worked, and for others it hasn't. for those relationships where it works, there are a bazillion ground-rules that need to be established to avoid conflict or unhappiness to either partner (i.e. cannot be one-sided, see above!), and either the relationship is super-solid or somewhat relaxed in the first place.
for the most part though, a lot of the couples i know who are vocal about being in 'open relationships' are dysfunctional or have some low-self-esteem issues that they seem to need to sort out through promiscuity or something (caveat: i'm just talking about people i know). at least, the ones who are super-big with announcing HI I'M IN AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, PLEASE SLEEP WITH ME. PLEASE? there seems to be an over-the-top need for attention, plus the added factor that most of them are from religiously conservative backgrounds, and what better way to rebel?
i'm with StefaPie though, i'm respectful of what people want to do in the confines of their own relationships!
7I totally agree with DCStar.
8I'm with DCStar and indie as well. For me, emotional attraction or intimacy is inseparable from sexual attraction and intimacy. I wouldn't be able to separate one from the other--not for myself, and not if I saw my partner getting sexually involved with anyone else, even for a one-night stand.
In any case, I am far too jealous (and so is my fiance) for this to ever work for us.
9your either in a relationship with someone or your not.
10Personally, I also feel that being willing to sacrifice intimacy with others for the sake of a monogamous relationship with the person one's chosen is actually quite beautiful. I'm all for monogamy.
11Um where do I sign up?? j/k. sort of.
12commitment phobe? I could never do that... Too old fashion and love the guy too much to let other people touch him LOL...
13commitment phobe? I could never do that... Too old fashion and love the guy too much to let other people touch him LOL...
14I wish! But I'm too jealous, this has nothing to do with being old-fashioned, just plain old jealousy.
15"Personally, I also feel that being willing to sacrifice intimacy with others for the sake of a monogamous relationship with the person one's chosen is actually quite beautiful. I'm all for monogamy."
I'm all for that myself, Jude.
I couldn't stay in a relationship with a partner who has a strong desire to sleep with other people and/or sleep with other people. I would just have to move on cause that's not for me. Also, how can you say you love someone TRULY yet be intimate with others? I just don't get it. There's a HUGE lack of commitment there. For me, sex isn't just sex.
16Yep yep, indie.
I guess the one positive thing I could see in an open relationship is that for people who really just are not going to be faithful and won't even try, at least they'll be honest about it...?
17What I want to know is what happens if one of these "casual encounters" turns into a pregnancy?
I don't understand why people would want to have open relationships.
18Jude: I read that Nicolas Sarkozy's wife Carla Bruni doesn't believe in monogamy. Wow. What's their marriage like? Jeez. I'm sure she didn't just change that ideology of hers overnight.
19There is no way that that doesn't create tension between them...as well as lots of dinner-party awkwardness, I'd imagine!
20Hey, if she hasn't started doing it again yet...she will sooner or later. Ugh, I don't even think she's attractive but I guess the promiscuity makes up for it, at least that's how the men would think of it.
21Ummm NO WAY! I tried that for about a second. He hit on a girl I almost killed her. Yeah. I am too jelous for that. Maybe it has to do with evil ex of doom cheating on me. Yeah. You're either in it or not. End of story.
22I'm too jealous to have a relationship like that. This may sound bad, but I am very territorial over my boyfriend.
23I have a pair of friends in a relationship like this. They seem happy enough with it, and for them, it's based on a deep belief that marriage and fidelity are simply social constructs. Some of our friends assume she's just going along with it because he wants it, but as he remarked to me, she IS the one who wears the pants in the relationship. If she didn't want that set-up, she wouldn't agree to it. I respect their position and think our skeptical friends should just let them be (some have tried to interfere).
As for me, though I agree that fidelity is a construct, I am probably not secure enough to be in that kind of relationship. However, I think the idea that love is not about possession or ownership but about letting the other person be free is rather lovely, if the people involved are into it and have the right ground rules.
24As much as I'd like the feeling of novelty and newness, I'll have to pass. My bf and would probably be way too jealous of each other!!
25Just no. My jealousy would kill an open relationship.
26I brought this up to my boyfriend yesterday!
We're LDR, both at different and far colleges. When we're together, we can't keep our hands off each other!
But not being able to see each other for so long was driving us nuts :'( So I had to be completely (maybe excessively) blunt and realistic:
"You're in college. You meet a lot of new people. If one day you meet a girl that you're attracted to, then go for it."
"WHAT? Are you telling me to cheat on you?"
"No, I'm telling you that if that happens, I will be hurt, but I will blame the distance between us, not you. But of course.. there will be no more 'us'."
He was upset that I didn't trust him, but I think the problem was my ASSUMPTION that men are impatient, horny, and usually don't emphasize monogamy as much as women do.
He thought I was testing him, but I wanted him to know that I would never accept anything other than a monogamous relationship!
27I think comment 27 is why men don't understand women ; )
28If having an open relationship is your thing, good for you. I mean, I think polygamy, nudist campers, sado-masochists and everyone else is dandy in my book. Just don't hurt, kill or harass people, and I have no complaints. Of course, I'm pretty conservative when it comes to dating people who can't be monogamous. I can't even compromise nor would be willing to date someone who says they'll change their mind or "try for me."
29Okay...to clarify, don't hurt people that don't want to be hurt.
Ya know, for all
those SM people!
30Uh....I have to say 27 makes no sense either...I feel bad for her poor boyfriend! You'd be okay with him sleeping with another girl, but you'd break up with him for it?
31Whatever makes you happy. I don't have a problem with it, but I think it helps to set parameters with each other about what's okay and what's not.
32I am way to jealous. It would eat me alive knowing that he was sharing an intimate moment with another women. I feel like intimate moments are meant for loving someone.
33Never have and never will.
34I could never do it. I'd be waayyy too jealous. My guess is some people do it because that is the only way they can get the person to be with them. It's a recipe for disaster.
35hmmm, well I couldn't do it-my emotions always get in the way, even when I promise myself that I won't get attached....it always happens anyway.
36monogamy is the only thing is accept
i cannot fathom open relationships
"hey love, how was ur day"
"good baby. i slept with my secretary today at lunch and it was hot"
"thats great!!!!"
PPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF HEEELLLLLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
37I ACCEPT*
38Definitely not for my hubby and I. Anyone else is welcome to practice their own lifestyles.
39hahaha noooo I'm way too clingy and possessive to share my man =P
40I was thinking about it this morning, and I could never knowingly be in an open relationship. I say knowingly because i've been cheated on before so I guess my exes saw it as an open relationship. I just can't stand the thought of my man with another woman.
41I'm pretty insecure, and have not had enough long term relationships to say confidently that I could or could not have an open relationship, but maybe I could. I feel like if I had a solid enough relationship with a man, and knew that he was my absolute partner and best friend, than what would it matter if we acted on outside crushes, had a fling or two? I mean really, if I was with someone for twenty years? Perhaps.
I would like to say though, that I think it is curious that a lot more women are likely to accept deceitful relationships with lying cheaters than an open relationship with an honest man. I mean really, how many "he cheated on me but I still love him" posts do we see on this site every week?
42Bleh, no freaking way could I ever do this. I am too possesive over my fiance...i probably beat the chick senseless. Haha
43Although it's not my bag of chips, I think it's better than cheating behind your partners back (which I think happens much more than many women realize). At least it's open and honest, with guidelines and rules. Personally though, my fiance and I are both too jealous.
44NO WAY NO HOW!!
45It never works.
46BIG NO NO NO!!!! I WOULD HATE MY HUSBAND! ALL I WOULD EVER SEE WHEN I LOOKED AT HIS FACE ARE THE S*&%S HE HAD BEEN WITH AND FEELING EXTREMELY DISGUSTED BY HIS BEHAVIOR. WHY GET MARRIED. BE SINGLE IF YOU WANT TO BEHAVE LIKE THAT!
47
48Right now, I'd say no way. But if we were 20 years into the relationship and were barely having sex, I'd probably rather have an open relationship than a divorce, if the only thing missing was the sex. I'm not saying it would be easy. I really have no idea. I just can't predict what it will be like 20 years from now.
49I believe in monogamous relationships. I have had friends with an "open marriage" before and it ended, of course. I've never seen it work out in the long run.
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