Dear Sugar,
I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. In the beginning, he was crazy about me and more into me, sexually speaking, than I was into him. At that time, we'd have sex pretty much every time we saw each other. A year into our relationship, he was having career and financial difficulties and moved into my apartment with me and my roommate; he pays for his part of the bills.
Now that we sleep together every night, we don't have sex as often as I'd like to. The longest we've gone is two weeks without it, and lately it will only happen if I initiate things. Sometimes I even have to coax him into it, and I end up feeling pathetic and desperate. We've talked about it a bit, and he said his sex drive has been down as a result of career and financial difficulties, which I know can greatly affect men. He's also not completely comfortable with the living situation and feels too dependent on me. I believe him and understand all of this but don't know how to deal with my frustration.
I know nagging won't help anything, but I find myself very confused, because when I do finally get him to have sex, it's always amazing and he loves it. So what should I do? Do I refrain from initiating and see what happens, or just accept it as it is right now and initiate and enjoy what I can get?
— Sexually Frustrated Sam
To see DearSugar's answer, read more.
Dear Sexually Frustrated Sam,
When a couple's sex drives don't match up, it's almost always frustrating in some way or another for both people in the relationship. However, it's definitely manageable! Keep in mind that as a relationship goes on and couples become more familiar with each other, there is nearly always a decrease in sexual activity, which is perfectly normal.
In your case, it sounds like many of the reasons causing a drop in your boyfriend's libido are only temporary. As you've pointed out, his current financial situation is making him feel emasculated, and as a result, he probably doesn't feel like he can be an aggressive sexual partner right now. But that doesn't mean he doesn't love having sex with you or feel attracted to you — your encounters when you do have sex have proven that!
It's more likely than not that as your boyfriend starts to get his life moving forward again, his sex drive will pick up too. In the meantime, don't be afraid to be the aggressor. There is nothing pathetic or desperate about trying to satisfy your sexual needs. I'm so glad to hear that you guys are communicating about this, so keep it up, and I'm sure you can work through this.
Antik Batik
Quai D'Orsay
Herve Leger
I disagree with Dear on two points here. First of all, it's nice to think that when he gets back on his feet things will change. But I certainly would not count on it.
Having mis-matched sex drives is one of those things that you just need to decide if you can live with or you can't, because trying to change him is going to get really old for both of you. You'll feel constantly rejected, he'll feel constantly nagged and guilty for not giving what you need.
Which brings me to the second point of disagreement, which is that you should continue being the aggressor to satisfy your sexual needs. I've been part of a mis-matched couple before, and let me tell you that nothing is worse than having someone constantly go after sex when the other isn't interested.
Much better when the less satisfied person either walks, or just takes matters into their own hands and deals with it.
1It completely depends on whether or not you're always met with a no and have to coax, if you just avoid trying anything or if you ask and usually you end up having sex.
If he's never up for sex when you ask for it then you have the most to worry about. You need to find something that will help him feel better about his financial situation and help him feel better about himself in general so his sex drive can return.
If you're not asking cause you are scared of him saying no than all you need to do is ask once in a while and see what he says and if you can get him to want to. The more you have sex the more sex you want to have.
If you usually end up having sex when you ask without too much trouble it's probably worth the hassle. Just tell him that you'd like him to initiate sometimes when he feels like it and keep on getting it whenever you want it even if it calls for a little bit of begging and pleading. That could even be fun foreplay.
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