Here's an ideal morning: I make a huge pot of coffee, take a shower using Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap [1], and apply caffeinated lip gloss [2] to my chattering mouth as I skiddaddle out the door with the jitters. "No, I don't need any spare change," I say to a stranger who mistakes me for a meth-addicted lunatic. Hmm. Maybe I should cut down on my caffeine habit.