Well sure you can be forgiven. Anything can be forgiven.
BUT I think you knew at the time you were selfish to not put on the breaks and make him aware of your situation.
I'd personally flip if a guy did this to me...I'd probably want nothing to do with him after and curse the very ground he walked on.
Hopefully he tests negative.

I vote to not forgive.

You said one thing led to another which led to sex. Sorry but how can you not have in mind sex=STI? Especially if you live with this as part of your day to day life, you should've been extra careful to stop before things got too heated and warn the poor guy or taken precautions.

I said forgive we all make mistakes but what the hell were you doing having sex with someone new without a condom? It really doesn't matter that he is your new love.

was this unprotected sex? you have herpes. you need to take the responsibility of protecting others against it seriously. this can be forgiven, but if i were that guy, i'd be super pissed for a long time.

YOU ARE SELFISH AND IRRESPONSIBLE. It is really sad that you could disregard his health for your pleasure. You should have discussed your STI situation with him long before you ever considered being intimate with him. It should have been his choice whether he wanted to become sexually involved with you or not. Also, he could sue you and should if he tests positive. You potentially gave him a disease that could shatter him emotionally and ruin his future relationships while knowing that you were infected. I'm sure you didn't like it when you were given herpes honey, so why in the hell inflict that pain and anger on someone you "love"?

Poor guy. I voted not forgive. The spread of STI's by people who don't know that they're infected is rampant enough - we don't need people to knowingly spread them around.

Funny thing, if this story was flipped the other way around and OP had sex with a guy who didn't mention his STI until after the fact, EVERYONE would be damning him to hell. *rolleyes*

If you weren't planning on telling him right away, the least you could've done was wear a condom. That was real selfish, indeed. Herpes stays with you forever. I would not have forgiven your selfishness.

No way, I don't forgive you. I'm sorry but first of all, if you are dating someone and wish to become serious with them I would imagine you would be HONEST with them about having an "STI" (I'm so used to calling them STDs lol) but you let "one thing lead to another" and potentially put his health at risk! How would you feel if you were him and he was YOU?! It was a selfish act and very immature.

I wonder about the lawsuit part, Lele777. To be honest with you, I'll be on HIS side, if I were a judge and know this back story, I'd probably grant him a good amount of judgment. Unfortunately, it is going to be difficult to prove, not to mention that, all the money in the world will NOT bring him back his health.

I wish it won't be that difficult to prove. Causing someone a disease/infection for the rest of their life knowing fully of their own disease is just wrong.

The OP didn't mention if the guy was wearing condoms or not, but even if he did wear condom, the risk of getting herpes didn't go away just because they practiced 'safe sex.'

She should've told him BEFORE sex, so he knows what he's getting into. I don't understand how is this..'love?' Love isn't selfish, love means you care greatly for the other person's well-being.

This is why there is such a high rate of STI's in the world today, because of selfish and irresponsible people like yourself. "before you knew it" you were having sex? Maybe you should rank sex a little higher on your status sheet so that it is more of a bigger issue than it just started happening and you could potentially be giving another guy an STI, so that he then can be spreading it to another innocent victim.

Grow up, take responsibility and start being upfront with your infectious disease...the rest of us that are clean DONT WANT IT!

how horrible. this is one of those extremely rare cases where i actually feel sorry for the GUY.

I'm undecided, on one hand, it's really good that you told him and didn't try and cover it up. And there were two people there, he should have stopped to put a condom on.

But on the other hand this is something you need to take responsibility for, not just for your health, but for other peoples.

Plus you must have had sex with at least two guys without using a condom, which in itself is pretty stupid, and the men you sleep with must be idiots if they have sex with girls without using protection.

In the state I live in you can be prosecuted for knowingly spreading an incurable STI. It's not about the money and I sooo agree with you. Stories like this are shown on the news and have to be terribly embarrassing for all involved. I was just making a point to her that her actions may have had great consequences on her life as well as his and that one must think before they act. The smallest mistake can cost a person so much these days!!!!

I know you feel bad right now, and you should, but I think you also need to really take some time to think about how to be a more responsible person.

Presumably, since you have herpes, that means you had unprotected sex with someone who also had herpes - yet it seems that didn't teach you of just how necessary it is to avoid any kind of unsafe sex practices. I know it's easy to get caught up in the moment, but that can't be an excuse for shirking your responsibilities - not just to your partner, but also to yourself.

Who's to say that he doesn't also have an STI - not all of them have obvious symptoms, and some, like HIV/AIDS, have an exceptionally long incubation period during with an infected person may not *know* they're infected and they can pass it along that entire time. So not only did you put him at risk of getting your herpes, but you put yourself at risk at getting anything he might be carrying, even if he doesn't know yet that he has it.

It's hard to always know when to tell someone about an STI, but its absolutely vital that you do it, no ifs, ands or buts about it! Ideally, once you start entertaining the idea that this person might become a sex partner, you should tell that that even though this may be a bit awkward or seem premature, you feel like this may be leading somewhere and before it does, you need them to know that (1) you have herpes, (2) whether or not you're having an active flare-up, (3) your promise that you will always let them know if you are having an active flare-up, since that is when it's most contagious and (4) that they must agree to use a condom if and when you do have sex.

If you cannot do what's listed above, then you have no business having sex with ANYONE as that would indicate that you're unwilling to put their safety above your own pleasure, which is simply flat-out wrong.

michelle c - excellent point that the man should have insisted on using a condom even if he didn't know she was infected. It does take two to have sex. I do feel, though, that in this particular case, the onus is even more on *her* to carry condoms so that she has one to give a guy if they find themselves heading towards sex and he doesn't have one himself.

So, yeah, the guy does have some responsibility in this situation as well, but I do think that it is primarily *her* responsiblity to be prepared to avoid spreading her disease to others.

And I did also want to glad that it's good she did tell him, even though it was too late, but I can't say I'd blame him if he never wanted to see her again. I know that's harsh, but I know *I* wouldn't want to go out with someone who was that irresponsible.

Another reason why we should learn self control. Is it really so hard to stop the "one thing led to another"? Come on....

This type of incident is what makes me think that everyone should get tested together and reveal to each other their test results before even having sex. So at least, if one has something (that's curable--even incurable), the other person will know what s/he's getting into.

I certainly don't want to be in that guy's position. Hopefully he doesn't catch it.

Alright guys, sorry to play the police officer here, but people who have STI's are not DIRTY.
So everyone out there who doesn't have one, shouldn't call themselves "clean", as if to infer that those that have STI's don't shower or have good hygene.
They simply have a strain of the infection that you don't have.

That's right, I would guess that 95-100% of people here have one strain of the herpes virus, most everyone here has had chicken pox, right? Do you know that it's a different strain of the same virus? It's also sits in the base of your spine and can flare up at any time in the form of shingles.

I think it's kinda rude to say that just because, to your knowledge you don't have an STI, that you can be so riduculously rude to those that do. I'm sure they didn't go out and ask for one.

Not forgive. You should have given him the chance to decide if he still wanted to have sex with you after you had told him. I really hope he doesn't have it, that would be a really crappy thing to do to somebody.

Please drop knowledge ella1978

@ella: No one is being rude based on the fact that she has an STI. It's the fact the she knowingly put someone else at risk of getting the STI just for a few minutes of pleasure.

I apologize if the last paragraph came off as harsh, I was just reading thru the comments, and have no problem with the advice that is being given to this woman.. she should have shared with the guy, I totally agree.

But I read a post somewhere where a person referred to themselves as "clean". I think it's a very wrong thing to say when referring to STI's. It incinuates that those that have STI's are dirty, which they aren't. They just have a virus, they have the same hygene as you and I do.

I just thought that comment was a bit harsh. Sorry if my language came off as abrasive.

ITA linb. It's the fact that the OP knowingly puts someone else at risk without letting him know beforehand. He might or might not want to continue with the sexual intercourse knowing this information beforehand. The least she can do is give him the information and give him the choice to decide if he wants to continue. I know I sound redundant, even wearing condom isn't 100% protection.

Honestly, I don't know anyone who wants to be infected or to be carrying a strain of STI, especially one that is incurable. So while I'm not about putting down the OP for having herpes, I'm just pointing out that her inconsiderateness, her selfishness and her irresponsibility is wrong.

P.S. I know the other posters have the idea of the guy not wearing any condom. But there's no information if he wore condom or not during their sexual activity. He may have worn one. He may not be irresponsible sexually. But again, wearing condom isn't 100% against getting infected with Herpes.

I dont think what you did was right & it would be hard for me to forgive, in a relationship you have to treat the other person the way you want to be treated ..Enuff on the preaching

As a health care professional, there are something's that most people dont know about herpes
A - you dont have to have sex to get herpes - you can get it from s-omeone who has oral sex with you and has a cold sore - everyone of us have nicked ourselves when shaving - that is 1 of the easiest to get it

B - Herpes has 3 stages - if left untreated, it can & does kill - what happens is it goes to the brain & its called herpes of the brain - I had a 40 y/o "normal" looking man who was dying from herpes of the brain because he knew something was wrong but never went to the Dr & got treated. It was sad watching his 18 & 20 y/o kids watch him die

C - 3 out of 4 people have some strain of the disease, ie chicken pox, shingles - it is not a disease of "nasty" people & is more a white collar disease now a days.

Anyway, practice safe sex always - Sex is good it aint worth dying over

From the get go you should have told him that you have herpes hen you met him and been up front. I would not forgive you, because you knew you had this, but instead you chose to be selfish. Same on you.

ella 1978 - when I say "clean" I don't mean it like "bathed," I'm simply meaning it as in someone has a "clean bill-of-health" - or, in other words, that they've been tested and don't have any communicable diseases. That's always been the understood meaning of the term "clean" in discussions about contagious diseases that I've had, which is why I picked it. I apologize if it gave the wrong impression in this case.

Part of what makes contagious diseases so insidious is that *anyone* can have one, no matter how shabby or sharp they look.

You won't get any sympathy here.

I can't figure out what the hell you could have possibly been thinking to knowingly put someone else at risk.
You had absolutely no right to keep that from him .He should have had the right to decide if he still wanted to have sex after you told him .That's just unbelievibly selfish on your part.Shame on you. I vote not to forgive.......

Oh my...NOT FORGIVE. Flip the switch- how would you like it if you man did that to you. 'Oh I conveniently FORGOT to mention it before we did it...sorry!' You better pray he tests negative.

Hi All,
I know this is a heated debate, but please remember to respect each other's opinions and please try to refrain from any personal attacks.

DearSugar

HI,
I voted to forgive. Not because what she did was ok, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but let's be real, sex takes responsibility of two consenting people. In the world we live in there shouldn't be one person having sex with their partner without asking for testing. If you do then you may as well be sleeping around with out a condom. The truth is between riding everything from first base to oral to anal to traditional sex...or even toys, being intimate with someone can transmit STI's. We know this, so why risk it. There is responsibility on both parts. She should feel guilty for not being open and honest, and hopefully her guilt helps her not repeat the mistake, but hopefully this will be a lesson to the man who had sex with someone and took a chance. She could have just as easily had an a-syptomatic STI and not have known , and condom or not could have picked it up.
With the the entire world hearing about HPV and cervical cancer on the rise in a serious way we should all be taking responsibility for our own health matters. I wouldn't have sex with someone without asking them to be checked for everything, and keep in mind that something don't show up right away and herpes are very hard to test for. Most of us have some form of herpes and like another commmentor said, just having a small canker sore in your mouth can pass it to someone else, and condoms are not a full guard from anything. Blood, bodily fluids and even a razor knick will increase your chances for STI's. I am sure that if everyone that commented on this post and is talking her down went and was tested, I wouldn't be surprised to find that 50% of you have something. HPV, herpes, clammydia, or something that may not have symptoms. I encourage all of you to go find out....I think many of you will be surprised. Living with an STI is hard, because so many people associate it with Hookers, and assume that someone is easy if they have one, it is hard enough for people to come out and share with their potential partner, when they receive negative feedback constantly...such as being "dirty" it doesn't help. I would suggest to her to find forgivness for yourself, and look at talking with someone, maybe check forums for people with Herpes on ways to ease talking to a partner about it. And coming from someone that has experienced this I would suggest sitting down when you feel you have met someone that you could become intimate with and before there are feelings of attachment, be confident because you will have this forever and just say lets get this conversation out of the way. I am sure some of the forums have suggestions on ways to talk about this. You never know you may meet someone there, or even find that there are more of us out there than people like to admit.
My heart is with you, it is a struggle to live with and it hurts because you probably weren't told before you got it...remember this so you don't repeat a mistake, but apologize and learn is all you can do. Everyone is responsible for thier own choices, you will grow from this and some day you will meet someone that understands. keep your head up and just always try to do the right thing.

What the one poster is referring to is encephalitis. Two people per million will ever get this disease, and when treated the survival rate is over 80%. That means that 600 people in the US per year may get it, and 500 of them will be just fine.
It is incredibly rare, only comes from HSV 1 and extreme cases of type 1.
If you are worried about it, the main symptoms of the disease are sore throat, fever, headache, stiff neck, runny nose and vomiting.
It's something that's easily treated with a herpes supressive medication (aclcyovir - ie, something similar to valtrex).
Those with herpes are NOT required to get on valtrex to prevent encephalitis.

I believe you failed in your moral obligation to tell your partner you had herpes.

However, I am also highly concerned about this man's behavior as well. What was he thinking, not asking you about your own sexual health first, or at least using condoms?

That makes me wonder. If he normally doesn't ask his partners or use condoms, it is very likely he is carrying some STI himself. Which means you've not only put him at risk of Herpes, but your own self at risk for who knows what else.

You will be forgiven by me if you tell him now, and BOTH of you get in for testing - not just for herpes - the entire gamut of STIs.

strawberry pie.. you have a great point. He didn't ask, and as a concenting adult, it is both of your responsibilies to watch out for your own sexual health. Don't assume that a partner is going to tell you what they do or do not have. You should always have that conversation before it becomes physical.
Who knows, the guy may already have it!

this is bullcr-p. if a guy did this to me i would take him to court.

NOT FORGIVE. DUMP and SUE!

I voted not forgive. I'm sorry and I know you must feel terrible, but herpes is defintely one of my biggest fears in life and if a guy I was going out with gave it to me without telling me, I'd be beyond furious.. I don't even know what i'd do.

Regardless of forgive vs. not forgive, this scenario is a really strong reminder to have open and frank conversations with a partner before having sex-- and as much as I dislike the "one thing led to another" reasoning, it is something that (unfortunately) has the potential to slip to the wayside in the heat of the moment. If a good thing can come out of this, it's that if this guy's test does come out clean, I'm sure he'll never have sex with a girl without talking to her about her health beforehand. And I'm sure the guilt the OP feels from all this will ensure that she won't make a mistake like this again, either.

I believe in forgiveness so I say forgive, nobody is perfect. What you did was definitely wrong and you should feel terrible. Yet eventually heal and move on don't beat yourself up I mean you can't go back and change it. Also just a reminder that because you have herpes doesn't make you a dirty or lesser person and remember people that herpes is very common the stats are and this is a fact it's 1 in 4 people have and yeah herpes of the brain ok thanks for the enlightment but what are you trying to do make the girl jump off a bridge??

NEVER FORGIVE

NEVER FORGIVE

NEVER FORGIVE

NEVER FORGIVE

NEVER FORGIVE

I'm sorry everyone but I didn't post my comment that many times.

I voted not forgive. I just don't understand how you couldn't have told him in the beginning? Not only did you put him at risk, you put future people he may want to be intimate with at risk. I'm sure you must feel horrible about this, but I'm ashamed for you. Hopefully you won't do this to anyone else from here on out. I'll keep that guy in my thoughts and hope he tests negative.

Man, I HATE it when I hear people saying, "Oh, don't beat yourself up over it..."

Isn't that the point? If you did something terrible and you feel like crap, you damn well *should* feel like crap! That's a consequence of your actions that you have to live with. It would genuinely disturb me if OP didn't feel absolutely awful. Remorse isn't an emotion that should be discouraged - it's the only thing that separates us from psychopaths.

Look - if it is bad enough of a thing where you an be legally prosecuted for it, it is a pretty bad thing to do. The law doesn't say - the guy should have asked for his own sake. Yeah that is smart but "in the moment" I doubt he'd say - "what is your sexual health background?" You are the one with herpes. You are the one that knows you have herpes. And you are the one giving it to someone else without that guy having any warning of what he is about to get. I just don't see how this can be forgiven. Sorry.

My boyfriend got tested for HIV b4 we had sex (he hadn't had any new partners for 6 months) but he neglected to tell me that he had HERPES until after I found out I was pregnant, and of course I caught the virus too. Baby was born by C section b/c I was having an outbreak when I went into labour-newborns can die from a herpes infection transferred during a vaginal birth. 10 yrs later we are still together but a part of me will always hate what he did to me. Herpes can ruin your life.

Just to let you all know, it is pretty difficult to procecute for giving someone herpes. Basicaly the guy would have to do the following: he would have to have a test result in hand basically from the day before the nookie happened saying that he didn't have it, can prove that he didn't have sex after that evening for at least 3 months, then gets tested and comes up positive.

Otherwise, it can be assumed if he tested positive that he had the infection before they even met, and there is no way to prove that SHE was the one that gave it to him.

You don't see these lawsuits every day because they are VERY difficult to prove.

Like someone else said, anything can be forgiven...but I would have a really hard time forgiving someone for not telling me they had herpes before I slept with them! I know you were in the moment, but you should have stopped him to let him know the deal, and then let him decide what he wanted to do.

I say forgive. I have a friend who has herpes-she has been on valtrex to prevent her bf from getting it and they use condoms. Her boyfriend has never had any symptoms and they've been together for over 3 years. If you are on medication and used a condom, it's very unlikely that he got it, so I wouldn't be too worried about that. It's just the honesty part that will be a problem, he may not want to trust you now. You should tell someone that they run the risk. Hopefully he will still want to be with you because you do sound very regretful about it. Good luck.