Dear E. Jean,
I’m so frustrated! I’ve been dating the most fantastic and wonderful guy for the past month. We are crazy about each other. But there's one minor problem. He won’t have sex with me.
Don’t get him wrong. I can vouch for his capacities — we made love on the first date. But since then he’s always telling me how he’s going to “ravage me” and yet, he never does.
The other night I put on a navy-blue see-through teddy that cost me $200 and he fell asleep on my bed! It’s driving me nuts! If he doesn’t start putting his God-given resources to better use, I’m going to be terminally cross-eyed. A number of my friends have suffered from the same exact problem with successful and attractive men. What Gives? — Flummoxed
To see E. Jean's answer read more
Miss Flum, My Flame,
Although I believe a woman should enjoy a romp whenever she wishes, in your case I am going to invoke the fabled Flum Rule:
Never sleep with a man until you’ve flogged his trembling
carcass into a state of frenzy bordering on insanity. (I.e.
until he’s fallen in love with you.)
The male animal is programmed for the chase. (This assures the next generation.) I promise you, the more obstacles you put in front of him, the more he will burn to overcome them. (Note: Lingerie costing $200 does not constitute an obstacle.)
That said, he could be tired, ill, over-worked, stressed, diabetic, depressed, in love with someone else, not turned on by you . . . or any combination of a thousand things. Stop hurling your exceptionally charming self at him, and discover what it is.
To see more advice from E. Jean visit Elle magazine and AskEJean.com
Bruno Magli
Pussy Deluxe
Boden
GREAT answer Jean! I agree completely!
1Sounds like he's stressed out, or some other external factors are killing his sex drive. Talk to him, but don't make him feel bad or inadequate, just assure him that you're worried about him and want to make sure he's okay and that everything is okay between the two of you.
2was that english?
3Well, at least you know he's not just dating you for the sex...
4Ahahahahaha Jude!!!!
5You have only been dating for a month. Give it some time.
6"making love" on the first date...
7i love that.
you already gave him the tuna.
and then you're being thirsty by wearing special lingerie for some guy you've known for a month.
8he's not that into you.
9yes... give him a chase! all my guys have had to chase me all over the place! i would push them away over and over. they LOVE it!
10I think this is childish advice. You can't build a stable relationship with games such as "playing hard to get". Here's a novel idea - ask him what is wrong! Guys can be clueless about "signals". Tell him you want to have sex, if he says "no" then ask why. Problem solved!
11samething is happening to me... he says that he wants to be friends... i no i messed up by doing it soo soon but he is very attractive... lol... what can i say?... what do i do? do i leave him alone and let him come to me when he is ready?... and when he does should i make him work for it chase me?... will that make him come around?... or do u think that because he already had it he lost interest?...
12Don't have sex on the first date. The challenge in over.
13Okay, we French women know a very important thing, that I'm going to impart on you all:
WHEN A GUY ISN'T JUMPING YOUR BONES, IT'S BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU TOO MUCH.
That's right. A horny guy would shag a cow - so there's nothing to be proud of if a guy tries to get in your pants on the first date; it doesn't mean squat except that you've got a vagina and he's fine with it.
HOWEVER, if he's dating you, obviously into you, and not touching you... well, big chances are that IT'S BECAUSE HE LIKES YOU SO MUCH THAT HE'S FEELING INADEQUATE AND IMPRESSIONABLE AND VULNERABLE. You say so yourself - you're crazy about each other. Well, he's so crazy about you that a whole bunch of conditions are gathering to create a lack of erection. Yes, missy, that's right.
That's happened to me a bunch of times. It's ok. It will pass. However, if you want it to pass soon, you'd better not flaunt your $200 see through lingerie anymore. The more he looks at you in it, the more he's SHRINKING.
Because he's impressed. And totally crazy about you. And afraid he's not going to measure up...
Get my drift? He's not boinking you - it's a compliment. I promise.
14Well, that, or he's got issues.
15And you absolutely CANNOT EVER bring up the subject to him. It will only make things worse. Guys have tiny fragile egos, and if you ever start putting their manhood in question, they'll just shrivel and fall off.
Just take it easy, stop being so sexy, and try to nourish the romance - with a dozen glasses of wine. It will happen (again), as soon as the bright "take me right now" lights going off in your eyes when you look at him GO OUT. Just have fun, and don't expect the sex. It will take the pressure off him and it will all happen naturally!
Good luck!
16(my Dad, a renowned Casanova in this part of the woods, taught me all that crap. If I were you, I'd listen to my Dad before listening to E. Jean. For starters, he's got the same equipment your guy has; he knows best. Second, he imparted a whole lot of guy wisdom on me over the years and he has absolutely never been wrong. So believe me, I'm right - I'm so sure of it, I'd almost ask for E. Jean's job.)
17I'm done now. Over and Out.
18Yeah okay one more - I just asked my boyfriend who agrees with me 100%. Especially on the "DO NOT TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT" part. He also said that if at the end of the evening, instead of putting your little teddy on, you show him the door and say you're tired, he'll have a raging hard on the whole way home. Guys will be guys.
Sorry.
I'll shut up now.
19Miss Karlotta, my kumquat!!
Brilliant, BRILLIANT advice.
20Thank you E. Jean (blushing)
I will let my Dad know he's not a useless old hag, like
he's been pretending lately. And sorry for the jab about your job - I love your advice, and your spunk. It was all a bout of hubris. Keep 'em coming!
(Yet I'm sure I'm right. LOL.)
21He feels guilty about something. I bet you anything he's involved with someone else.
22karlotta! i have a little girl crush on you now!
23@ 22: being involved with someone else does not stop a guy from having sex with a woman who is throwing sex at him!!! guys dont work that way LOL.
karlotta might be right or he has some real issues.
24I have to agree with kgtg1. Are we still stuck on these silly "rules of the game"?
That "Don't put out on the first date or he'll lose interest" sh*t is nonsense that women tell themselves in order to feel better about getting ditched. If he lost interest in you, it's not because the thrill of the chase was gone, it's because he lost interest in YOU, period.
If having sex with with guys turns them OFF of you, then either they thought you were terrible in bed, or they found you so gratingly irritating that it wasn't even worth the sex to hang out with you again, or they're all insecure jackasses who get off on putting notches on their bedposts. In other words, if after the sex is over, your personality and wit failed to keep them interested, why are we blaming the failure on first-date sex? See what I'm getting at?
The only logical conclusions are that either you're not the catch you thought you were, or you have terrible taste in men. Figure it out, accept it, and remedy accordingly.
I've said it before and I'll say it again - remember that sleeping together on the first date means he was right there in the bed with you. How is it okay for a guy to think less of a girl for doing exactly what he was doing? If he's going to turn it around and use it against you, then he's a douchebag anyway and it's his loss, NOT YOURS, nothing to cry over!
So please, for the sake of women everywhere, stop playing these childish games and enforcing ridiculous male-chauvinistic double standards.
25Karlotta: shrivel and fall off!
LMAO
Ay yi yi. I'm going to add that either he's already thinking of you in a manner of 'my ol' lady' or he's got an erection problem.
The next time he goes ahead and wants to have sex, try new stuffs on him, or give him BJ or HJ without expecting intercourse. Maybe that'll encourage him
26karlotta you cracked me up lol
27Karlotta, I dated a French guy for a little over a year...and during that whole year we didn't have sex. It drove me crazy. Turns out he wanted to save it for marriage (even though we're both not virgins). He felt it was skanky when I would bring up the topic. He made me feel like something was wrong with me.
In the end I cheated on him and dumped his ass. Couldn't do it!
28I am curious to know how this turns out..after all the advice that has been given so far..please keep us updated.
29I am sorry to say this, but you may have just given him what he wanted. He may have just been in it for the fun of conquering you and now is basking in the glow of you throwing yourself at his feet.
Gather your self respect, wear a two piece long sleeved flannel long john and see what he does. Maybe if you stop throwing your assets at him he will start throwing his at you.
30Maybe he feels like there is too much pressure. You're just handing it to him on a silver platter. I agree with what others have said...at the end of a date, tell him you're exhausted and send him on his way! Maybe he feels that everything has been built up so much, he won't live up to your expectations anymore, as well.
31Love it Karlotta, that is so the truth!!
32I agree with Karlotta like everyone else. I also don't think it's a case of 'you gave it up too soon and now he doesn't want it cuz it's easy.' If that were the case, he wouldn't be around at all.
33it doesnt matter if you put out or not within a certain amount of time, he is just not that into you.
34guys go for what they want regardless, he just doesnt want you.
i have to say that he is was only with you to have sex, he would be long gone. So you aren't having sex anymore, yet he is still around? Why? I say ask him. But then again, what do i know???LOL
35I know it's early into dating him, but are you sure he's not gay or with some other girl?
36I agree with many previous comments. If he wasn't that into you, or got what he wanted, he wouldn't' be around now. Unless he's gay or with someone else, he seems like a great guy...and you should keep him around
37Hmm this is strange. I think maybe because he already had you on the first date there is no challenge and no chase and he's just not as excited about it anymore. Don't make it so easy for him to get laid I guess. Also, I would just ask him straight up what is wrong. Yes, men have fragile egos, but if you can't talk about issues with your partner, what is the point of being with them? Just be careful how you bring it up. Good luck
38Rule #1: Dont give it to him on the first date!!!
Now, with that said, it could be a few resons why he's not letting you 'have' it. Some are the reasons that Jean stated in her reponse. But really do need to just sit down and talk to him and find out why. And let him know that you want it and its starting to frustrate you. But first find out whats wrong with him. Hopefully, he'll be truthful, but if you end up dating someone else or this one works out for the long run, just keep in mind, dont give it up on the first date. The chase is already gone w/ you before it even started.
Good luck!!
39Ok, I read this post to several of my gay friends and they all agree - he's a closet case! Dunno if that is true or not, but may be something to consider.
40I hope it more the case that Karlotta is right!!
As soon as I read this, my immediate reaction was "uh-oh,gay man alert".
41we been together for 8 months lm 28 and hes 42 l would only get sex once a week l use to get it all the time he say's hes goin throw sum things hes man hood he doesnt even try is it me or he doesnt enjoy having sex with me anymore it is really getting me lm getting to the point of ending it with him
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