It seems we've hit our first disagreement as Newlyweds.
This is the short version:
1) His mom agreed to pay for the traditional groom responsibilities (some of the flowers and the groom's cake), and told my mom just to send her the total. Which my mom did...
2) We opened a few of the cards from the wedding before we went on our honeymoon, and a few of them had cash in them, which I put in my wallet (but did not spend on the honeymoon). I THINK I wrote on the outside of each envelope the amount of the gift.
3) My mom told his mom just to make the check payable to me, since the money for the flowers and cakes had come out of my savings account.
4) My husband calls me today and asks me if I knew about the email my mom sent his mom....I said yes, I knew his mom had wanted us to give her a total...he read off to me what was itemized on the total...then made some comment about the check being made out to me...then said he was going to deposit it in our "joint account" (which to my knowledge, we don't have yet) and keep a large portion of it for himself....then he snickered and said he was kidding.
5) Then he said his dad asked him if we'd gotten a lot of money at the wedding...he told him that no, we didn't, and his dad said he'd started to TAKE OFF HIS SHOE AND PASS IT AROUND...to which I replied, "Thank GOD he didn't" which kinda made hubby upset...and he went off about how our wedding was the first one where there was no hat/purse/shoe passed around for the guests to put money in - then he indicated that he had been a little irritated about that but hadn't said anything.
6) Then he asked me if I'd kept a record of how much money we'd gotten in cards...which, honestly, I haven't. At various showers, we've kept a list of all the gifts, but most of the money was in the cards we opened. I told him yes (which is probably a mistake).
So now I have a dilemma. I have spent some of the cash. But not much, and I'm not really sure what I spent it on. He will FLIP out if I tell him that. He's extremely tight when it comes to finances, and if this topic comes up again, how should I handle it? We've had some pretty heated discussions before about money; but we weren't married back then. I know money is one of the main sources of arguments in marriages, so if any of you married girls want to offer advice or share how you handled a similar situation, that would be great.
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Theory
Esprit
Vanessa Bruno
You need to tell him you spent some of the money and that you didn't record where. You also need to tell him when his comments bother you. Just put everything out there. You're in the marriage for the long haul, little secrets or holding back feelings isn't going to help anything. And then you both need to discuss how what once was separate savings and personal money is now your money together. Admit you made a mistake by spending money that belongs to both of you without discussing it first and then come up with a system that will work for both of you. I am a spender, and I spend on things I may never use. My husband is the opposite. We meet half way and he budgets for the month, and then gives me whatever cash we have left. That way I am free to spend my cash for no good reason, but the bills are still getting paid.
1I'm not married, but here's my take on your situation:
2First of all, I have been to probably about ten wedding and have NEVER been to one where a shoe, hat etc... was passed around to collect money. I'm sure that is tradition for some people, but like yourself, I would be so embarassed if someone did that to my guests. They have already spent money on your shower gifts, wedding gifts and travel expenses related to your special day so they have spent quite enough.
As for the money you pocketed and spent...if there is no record of it and he doesn't know about it then I wouldn't mention it. It's not like you went out and bought yourself something specific with it, it was spent on behalf of the two of you. As for money you do have a record of (written on the back of cards, etc...) you could make a list of that for him and then list the wedding expenses you had that the money went towards.
Since he mentioned the thing about your mom emailing his mom the total of the items she agreed to pay for, you can bet his mom mentioned the email to him and was upset about it for some reason. He probably inhrited his uptight about money thing from his parents, so this isn't too surprising. Maybe that amount was more than she hoped and that is her own fault for not stipulating a certain amount she was willing to chip in.
Since new hubby mentioned a joint account and there isn't one, tell him to have it written out to your account and then make a bank appointment with him to open a joint account. If the money for the items his mom is paying for originally came out of YOUR account, then keep the money, if you both paid then put it in the new joint account.
In any event, it is really important that you always have some of your earnings in your own account even if you put most of it in the joint account. Some guys (like yours and mine too) are unrealistic about how much things cost and this seems to be the case in regards to your wedding. He doesn't know where the money went because he doesn't understand the intricasies of a wedding (gifts for your bridesmaids, cash tips to your caterers, hair and makeup costs, etc... associated with your special day). Try to diffuse this situation as well as you can and in the future try to maintain a calm attitude about money to avoid a blow up. If you each have your own bank account and then some earnings go into a joint account then you can discuss with each other which expenses you will jointly pay for. Anything else, use the money in your own account and then you don't have to explain anything to anyone.
Good luck, and if this keeps being a problem then see if he will go see a financial advisor to plan your financial future together, or even a couples councellor to learn how to resolve money issues.
I am not married, and I think the above comments cover a lot of ground, but for what it's worth here are my suggestions:
My understanding is that money causes problems when the issues around it are left to fester rather than being addressed on a forthcoming basis.
For the issues you're looking at now:
1. Pull out all of your envelopes and all of your records, and any receipts of things you bought with gifted cash
2. Make a basic balance sheet that lists dates, monies received, from who, and then any of what the money received has been directly spent on.
3. Approximate, if you don't know exactly, how much of the gift money you have spent personally, and label it "I owe us: $____"
Doing this will break the financial issue you're looking at into manageable pieces. It will give you an overview of the situation so you don't feel overwhelmed by it, and it will give you something to show your husband. If money has been an issue in the past, take initiative and then start the conversations rather than waiting until your husband feels that the situation has become so bad he has to come after you for information.
4. Call your mother in law, thank her for her generosity.
5. Call your husband over and show him what you've totalled up so you two can go over it together.
6. Go buy Suze Orman's book "Young, Fabulous, and Broke". When my boyfriend and I moved in together I consulted it like the bible. It has info on how to put money into your joint account that is proportionate to what you both make, and is based on your general expenses. It talks about paying rent, buying a house, getting married, and everything in between. If you aren't great with money she lays things out step by step, helps your get organized, and helps you manage your situation- and that removes financial stress!
Good Luck!
3I disagree with grl, you need to tell him about the money you spent. Why? Because he will find out when someone asks about their monetary gift and he doesn't see any record of it. It is VERY important to be honest in your relationship, especially about money and even more so about things that involve both of you. That money isn't just yours and you can't act like it is.
I would explain to your husband what you wrote here. You opened some cards, put the money in your purse just in case you needed it on the honeymoon, and then spent some of it without thinking. Tell him you made a mistake by potentially not recording the amount of the gifts. Explain to him that you weren't completely honest with him because you were afraid of what his reaction would be. Then go on to tell him that you both should come with a money plan that works for the two of you, so there won't be any more money secrets from either of you.
A couple of money suggestions...do finances together. One of you can take the lead, but sit down at least once a month to talk finances together. Open a joint checking account, but keep one for yourself. There are different ways do doing this... this what my husband and I do. We use the 60% solution (you can look it up online) for budgeting. All of our money starts in the joint account. We also have our "fun accounts." We determined the amount we both get each month for whatever we want. The other person can't question our spending. If we use it all, we use it all. But, if there is anything left over (and there usually is) that goes into our "fun savings" for trips, electronics, anything we want that isn't deemed a need. Oh, and don't forget to think about savings and make sure you put something away every month. You should "pay yourself first" every month.
So, I know this is long, but I have one last thing. Since you are talking honesty, bring up the passing of the hat. Say that although you would not have been comfortable with that particular tradition, you want to know about feelings like that. Tell him he needs to tell you his opinions so he doesn't feel left out. Marriage is about compromise and creative problem solving. You won't be able to get anywhere unless you both can be honest about your feelings and actions.
4Tell your husband you have spent the money woman! If that means having a fight then perhaps it is a good thing. I am encouraging you to fight with your partner but perhaps money issue needs to be sorted out between you??? I think the outcome will be good. Trust me. Just have an open discussion about your finances and make arragements. I know some couples have separate accounts while some share the same account. You need to decide what you and your hubby feel most comfortable with.
5sorry i am not encouraging you to fight with your partner is what i meant above. LOL
6I'm a little worried that her new husband will "flip out" over a little money spent! I am very confused about all the details you gave. He was upset that you joked about his dads smelly feet? There was an email about writing a check to you and he was upset that it wasn't made out to both of you? I don't get it all- But if you are worried about this small kind of crap already, I have a bad feeling that it's only going to get worse for you.
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