If my sister pulled that sh*t on me, i don't think i'd ever be able to speak to her again. she tried to be sensitive to your feelings and you acted like she did it on purpose to hurt you. she'll forgive you if and when she's ready to move on from this, but it's going to be a long time. i'd send her an apology note, explaining in detail exactly how wrong you were for acting that way. let her know that you don't expect her to forgive you but that you're always there for her. if you see her during holidays, be nice but don't push it. i voted forgive, but you'll have to be very patient while waiting for that to come.

Wow, that's really mean, especially to your younger sister who is not getting the baby's father support either. I'd say you have some long-term, serious, well-meant apologizing to you. And if she keeps slamming the door; I think you could see that coming, you'll have to swallow that. I voted Not forgive.

I don't blame her. You turned on her in her weakest moment.

Did she *know* you were having problems getting pregnant? Probably not if she told you about being afraid, even if she did, not everyone is ready for parenting. It's a huge responsibility... I suppose if you really want to get forgiven, Stefa has a good plan. She will be very slow to forgive most likely if she is still slamming the door in your face after 7-8 months.

yes u should be forgiven. You really need to talk to her and tell her what you said was out of jealousy. Because she is your sister and she should be able to forgive you just give her the support she came to you for.

wow, i guess because you're hurting it means that everyone has to tap-dance around you forever. you have a right to be mad, your majesty.

yes, you had a miscarriage. and i'm sorry to here that. but you can't be upset because your sister got knocked up (no offense, but she did).

i'm sure she would expect you to feel a bit jealous since you miscarried. but she is having the most dramatic thing happen to her life right now.

i'm sure when you lost the baby, she was there for you (unless you were pushing EVERYONE away, which is not odd in these situations).

you're her SISTER. her older one on top of that.

why would you blow up on her??? and the things you said to her are more than unforgivable. you crossed the "i'm hurting, and i shouldn't have blown up on you" line.

then you got the nerve to stop all communication for months, and now you wanna pop up on her. that's worst that what her baby-daddy is doing to her.

you're a GREAT sister!

Here's what I'm getting from this you didn't make any effort to apologize... until it was convenient for you. Now that you DO feel badly you expect her to make it all better by forgiving you. She didn't, so you seek solace on the internet.

I get that you have your reasons for lashing out. I hope you started seeing a professional when you lost the child but I'm sensing you didn't. By not working through those feelings of despair you allowed them to turn into anger. I think the words your sister needs to hear are not, "I'm sorry." Rather, "I'm getting help."

I can *sort* of understand your having that initial reaction to hearing she was pregnant. What I *cannot* understand is that you dug your angry heels in for so long, even after she had the baby and caused a big rift and so much unhappiness in your family. For what purpose?

Unfortunately, I find your actions unforgivable. But you can try to remedy the situation with your sister, her child and with your family if you want to. But don't expect to just say 'I'm sorry' and it'll all be over. You took this thing way too far, and that's going to take time to fix. Just be prepared for that. Being an Aunt is an important role, if you choose to take it on. And there's so much joy you can get from it, too. Good luck to you on this one.

She is your sister. She knows what you went through and are going through, and I think the kind of behavior you exhibited, though it was inappropriate and hurtful, should be forgiven. You need each other's support, and you took a long road to make yourself realize you were wrong. That's a very hard thing to do, and she should respect it. You may have done some serious damage to your relationship with your sister, and I hope you both find it in yourselves to be able to fix it.

It's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part to mend things, but you will. I would start by writing her a letter and lay as much blame on yourself as possible, as well as apologizing until you're raw. AND you must let her know that you are there to support her in any way possible - because yes, she must be freaked out and alone, and she needs her big sister, even if she's resistant at first - and you MUST tell her that you are excited for her and try to share in her joy, however difficult it may be for you (and I am sorry for that, I'm sure it's tough). Keep trying. Send emails asking if she needs anything, and repeating that you are there for her. Call her - and bear the awkward moments and her anger - with drive and persistence, she'll give in. I think that if you're being very honest, humble, apologetic, but ALSO very supportive of her pregnancy, she'll forgive you after a while. If she senses that you are REALLY sorry for what you did, happy for her, and supportive, the uneasiness and anger will fade away. Don't give up... I've been estranged from one of my brothers for 6 years, and it really sucks. Life is short, and we should get over those pesky human mistakey things and realize what is really important. Sticking together!

Karlotta is right. (yes, i'm agreeing with you. but don't think this is a habit) smiles.

i think a letter is the best. even when i'm pissed, i'm more likely to read a letter, than to take a phone call from you.

I voted forgive, mainly because I see myself doing the same thing in your situation. I would leave her alone until she says something, considering you've already tried to repair things. It's not your fault she wasn't ready.

I see why you got angry, it's hard to be enduring a personal battle when someone else comes along and essentially has it easy but doesn't know what they want. When it's your time, it's your time. Focus on that. In the mean time if you want to make amends with your sister then do so.

I voted undecided!

Forgive; What you did was awful, and leaving it such a long time to apologize is yet another mistake you made. But for me, family is most important, if my sister did the same to me, I'd forgive her, it would just take a lot of time. Keep trying, talk to your family. You have a lot to make up for after what you've done.

This is one of the most horrid things I've ever read on this site.
It is one thing to have a senseless argument, but it is entirely another to drag it on for months, devastating not only your sister but your ENTIRE FAMILY, because you didn't know how to handle your grief.

Get help. If you think what you did was simply "selfish and unkind" then you really need it.

I think everyone is being a little harsh. What you did was deeply hurtful but you were also grieving. Losing a baby is devastating, I'm sure, and you seem like you were a wreck. It took a lot of personal healing on your part to get the point where you now know it was wrong. Now it will take a lot of healing on your sister's part to be able to forgive you. Give it time and show your support for her and keep in mind that you are not entitled to her forgiveness. But hopefully your family will be able to heal with time

That was a very selfish thing to do. I'm glad you're feeling horrible about it. You need to get your sister's trust and friedship back because she will always need you as much as you will need her. You need to do anything you can to make it up to her... and it will not be easy.

I absolutely believe in forgiveness. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time and we say things out of hurt and anger which are untrue. In this situation two wrongs will not make a right. If your sister isn't going to forgive this, then her actions are far worse then yours. At the time this happened, you were in a state of grief and devastation. I am hoping she does forgive this. But also, please realize she is at the end of a pregnancy and her hormones are in a spiral that may have been similar to yours after the miscarriage. Hopefully she can forgive and forget before the baby is born, but if not, then maybe she will after the baby is born. When someone is truly sorry and their actions were out of character, forgiveness should come naturally. If it was something that happened weekly that is a whole different situation. Good luck & I do hope your sister forgives. I absolutely believe this is a forgivable situation.

The thing that just kills me here, is that you tried to apologize ONCE, she slammed the door in your face, and you're like, "what now?"

You should expect not one, but 10 doors slammed in your face before she starts considering letting you back in her life.

You behaved shamelessly. I cannot say how I would behave in the same circumstances because I have not been in them, so perhaps I am being too harsh.

But to think that the world revolves around you to such an extent that you truly felt that her getting pregnant was a "personal attack on you" is a kind of self-absorbption and/or narcissism that I can't wrap my brain around.

Jealousy is normal. I can understand being jealous of a sibling. Anyone with a sibling has probably had those feelings at one time or another. But to respond the way you did. How sad for her. And how sad for you too.

I mean, let's face it. You were punishing her, plain and simple. You were punishing her for what she had, and what you couldn't have. You wanted her to feel some kind of loss in the same way that you felt loss.

We can all perhaps understand this on some level. Maybe your sister will be able to also.

But giving up after one try... expecting forgiveness after one apology? Please. You are crazy if you think a simple apology after all you did will be enough to heal this relationship.

Honestly if I was your sister right now, 8 months pregnant and having been ignored by my sister for so long after she lashed out at me- I would be royally pissed. I imagine she is thinking she is about to have this baby, she is probably scared and feeling alone and you popping up right about now is another way of making it all about you.

Actions speak louder than words dear- you have to SHOW her that you are sorry and want to be a good sister and aunt, and I think a LONG heartfelt letter (NOT an email) is the way to start.

Wow... you shut her out for EIGHT MONTHS, and now you're upset because she slammed the door in your face ONCE? You deserve to have the door slammed in your face everyday for the next eight months, then you might begin to understand what it felt like for her.

Obviously she'll forgive you one day, because she's your sister - and you're lucky that there's shared blood between you, because if it was a friend that you treated so poorly the friendship would be long over. Forgiveness isn't something you can just ask for, it has to be EARNED. Meaning you'll have to put some real effort into your apologies for them to be worth anything.

The fact that you posted here looking for support seems to suggest that an inability to empathize and put yourself in another person's shoes could be a chronic problem in your life. You might benefit from going to therapy of some sort in order to better understand yourself and your relationships.

You had NO right to be mad at her in the past when she told you of her pregnancy, NO right to take this long to cool down and apologize, and NO right to be mad that she "slammed the door in your face" recently. I suggest seeking the advice of family members to see how you can rectify this situation. It's a surprise if they even talk to you anymore. Your type of behavior goes waaaaay beyond asking forgiveness on a website. Good luck, you'll need it.

You had NO right to be mad at her in the past when she told you of her pregnancy, NO right to take this long to cool down and apologize, and NO right to be mad that she "slammed the door in your face" recently. I suggest seeking the advice of family members to see how you can rectify this situation. It's a surprise if they even talk to you anymore. Your type of behavior goes waaaaay beyond asking forgiveness on a website. Good luck, you'll need it.

*sorry for the double post*

I agree 128% with Popgoestheworld.

the grieving is understandable. but it's more or less WHAT you said to your sister that was f*cked up.

"but when she started to tell me how she was scared about having a baby and being a mother, I completely lost it. I turned on her, called her horrible names, said she would make a bad mother, and basically went out of my way to hurt her."

she would've been wrong if she said, you'll never be a mother!

i don't understand why you were THAT angry with her. when i first read this post this morning, the first thing i thought was, "maybe this is God's way. you lost your baby, and now your sister needs you."

maybe God intended for you to be a key person in your niece/nephew's life.

i would've been glade to hear that the baby-daddy was a loser, 'cause then that means you get to be there 100% of the time. you could've taken over that baby (you know, be the bossy sister who gets to plan everything from the kid's name to it's preschool). i would've been happy. . .and i don't even like kids.

I think you're all being so harsh! The woman lost a CHILD. Of course what she did was selfish and wrong but "get help" and "your type of behavior goes WAY beyond asking forgiveness on a website?" Everyone makes mistakes and does things, admittedly selfish things, that they regret later. I think that this is one of those situations in which is impossible to judge how you yourself would react.

You know, I thought for a minute that I was being too harsh, but the whole thing is, if you use the bad things that have happened in your life as an excuse to treat those closest to you like sh*t, then maybe you could benefit from talking through your problems with a professional. This miscarriage caused the poster a certain amount of grief, and it manifested itself in so negative a way that she has made her own situation much worse, because not only has she lost a baby but she has lost her sister and hurt her parents. I don't think it would be a bad thing for her to talk through her problems, seek help from a professional, (instead of a bunch of opiniated strangers on a message board) and learn how to deal better the next time something bad happens to her.

And as traumatic as losing a baby might be, there are few things that seem scarier to me personally, than being pregnant and alone. At least the poster has her husband to lean on when things are rough. Who does her sister have?

trust me, i feel bad about the miscarriage. it's one of my worst fears when i decide to have children.

but to use it as an excuse is like saying, "my house burned down, so i'm gonna go and rob banks. and it should be excused because i'm devastated."

your a*s would be in jail. and you wouldn't be able to plea insanity.

it's just soo funny, because i am more than sure if the poster was the sister who got chewed out by her grieving sister, we would be telling her that her sister was wrong, and she is being the worst sister, blah blah blah.

nobody's comments are harsh on here. everyone sympathize, so i think we're all just giving OUR take on it.

i've said it once, and i'll say it again, and because some of y'all are a bit slow, i'm sure i'll be saying it some more:

don't come on here and think that you're gonna get the same answers from all these crazy b*tches (myself included). ain't no telling what somebody will say on here. and you know there are the regulars who get on here and say what they want (Hotstuff, luisamapacha, myself, etc.) so don't post if you are a softy.

or scroll past our comment when you see our pic pop up.

i think that everyone on here says what they say out of love. so it shouldn't be a big deal.
at the end of the day, we're all just a bunch of b*tches on the internet. so if you're ready to jump off of a bridge based on what someone on HERE says, then maybe you should jump!

ok, that was mean, but you get my drift.

Who does her sister have?

I reckon her sister chose the path that she took. She's a grownup after all.

I agree w/ pop.

It won't only take one knock on that door to get her forgiveness. If you're serious, you won't stop your attempt to get back on your sister's good graces.

i don't know your history with your sister, but i think when the baby comes she'll feel differently. and frankly if she isn't in a relationship she's going to need help so that's going to be your in. i would take another bite of humble pie and write her a letter telling her 1) that you are truly sorry, 2) that she's your sister and that has meaning to you and hopefully to her 3) remind her of some fun things you have done together in the past. something like "remember when mom took you and i shopping for easter dresses every year and then took us out to lunch at that little place with the fountain? i wnat ot do that with my niece and you and grandma".

everyone makes mistakes and hurt can be forgiven IF the person IS truly sorry. when i was pregnant my sil was a total b*tch to me because she wasn't. never apologized. a friend of mine was also a b*tch, but she came to me and said "it was so hard to see you pregnant and then with a beautiful baby and know that i might never have one". guess who i am close to and which one the relationship is still strained with?

This was a real struggle for me. Your original attack although quite vindictive, I can understand- the part that I have trouble swallowing, however, is where you shut her out for months. Personally....I wouldn't be able to forgive you. But that might be because you're not my sister. Because you're sisters, I chose "undecided". Because sisters sometimes treat each other this way for no reason- and because you are bound by family, odds are this will be forgiven. but I have a hard time dealing with the fact that it took you months to get over yourself- and yes, what happened to you was a tragedy, but you were selfish, vindictive and too small to step outside of yourself and think of other people- of your SISTER, for god's sakes- for MONTHS.
personally, I wouldn't forgive you. but I think you are worthy of forgiveness, eventually, after much groveling and introspection. so...I chose "undecided".

"I reckon her sister chose the path that she took. She's a grownup after all."

I don't really understand what that has to do with anything. A lot of the choices we make as adults are painful or scary, but everybody needs friends/someone they can lean on.

Just to clarify, I wasn't trying to say that I would prefer a miscarriage over an unplanned pregnancy, only that the latter comes with its own set of heavy emotions and struggles, no matter what choice one makes. Since it seems the poster is trying to reestablish a relationship with her sister, I think its worth noting why shunning her was SO hurtful to the sister in this situation, which is what I was trying to articulate.

I have said things out of anger before and been truly sorry and forgiven. I have had things said to me in anger before and have forgiven back. I really can't imagine how something that was not intentional is unforgivable. If you haven't had a miscarriage then you've no idea the complex web of emotions that someone goes through and then to have someone, sister or not, come around and start babbling about their pregnancy. I just kinda think the sister was insensitive from the start. If my sister had a miscarriage and I was pregnant, I would ask for her permission to talk about it when she was ready. I do hope things work out for the best and am sure they will. If not before the baby is born, then I'm really hoping things will be okay after the baby is born. Good luck!

I think you should be forgiven. Sometimes, when horrible things happen, we take it out on the ones we love the most; the ones who you can trust to stick by you in your worse time. This is a case of unfortunate timing. You were in a very fragile state, and while that may not be an excuse, if the tables were turned, she'd understand. She's 8 months pregnant, so it's not like you chose to have nothing to do with her child, since it has not been born yet. This is a very emotional and trying time for her right now. I would just keep letting her know how truly sorry you are. Don't blame yourself, or let her blame you, for her placing herself in the position to have a child with a guy who wants nothing to do with the child.

Assuming you really do realize how you screwed up (and the fact that it took so long only compounds the problem), I vote forgive, but only if you don't expect her forgiveness on your schedule. She may eventually come around, she may feel so hurt by your actions that she may not come around for years. Either way, it's her prerogative, and you can't get mad at her for not forgiving you right away. The best you can hope for is that you keep trying to be a good person in your family. You have no right to tell her when to forgive you. Just focus on being a good person and hopefully she will eventually forgive you. Good luck.

I'm with you, luvhouse07.

Her actions were absolutely terrible and hurtful, and it's going to take a while for her to beg her sister's forgiveness. It's going to take a lot of humility and working to regain her sister's trust, and it's going to be hard.

But for God's sake, this woman lost her unborn child! How many of you have had a miscarriage?! Can you even begin to grasp just how devastating something like that can be? It doesn't excuse what she did, but some of you vicious people could at least show a little SYMPATHY. It's not like you just shrug and say, "Ok, try again!" By that time you've had a human being in your belly for three months and you've already begun to bond with it. The pain and grief that overcame her must have shattered her completely.

Shame on ALL of you. Regardless of how badly she hurt her sister, she still deserves to be forgiven.

You're her blood, so I voted forgive. But since you're her blood you can also never, ever give up. You can never wash your hands of her and think that you've done all you can to show her how sorry you are. Give her all the love and support that you can possibly give, even if it's (rightfully) thrown back in your face every single time.

Keep in mind that your sister must be on one heck of a ride herself - she's 8 months pregnant, hormonal, without a father for her baby, and dealing with your horrible words. Although you've been through very hard times yourself, you're not the only one. It's no one's fault that you had a miscarriage, but the pain you caused your sister WAS someone's fault: yours. Be there for her.

I said forgive but ONLY becuase she is your sister. If you were just a friend NO WAY!!! But family is family and you have to stick together.

Give her time and you need to apologize over and over. Lashing out is never acceptable especially when she is ging through a tough time. This should have been a time for you guys to really cling together. ALthough painful for you LIFE HAPPENS sometimes its good and sometimes it bad but we have to figure out how to move on anyway.

The fact that it tooks you EIGHT months to apologize is really scary to me and it will probably take her just as long to forgive you but you really need to continuously reach out to her

Oh nooo! I would be devastated if I did that to my sister. Even though she's only 2 years younger, she's still my baby sister. I imagined someone saying what you said to my sister, and I got so sad, I had to post a comment!

That said, I think most of the posters are too young to have experienced miscarriage. The timing of your sister's pregnancy was really unfortunate. You're not the only one who experienced what you did and did what you did. But, like others have said, your sister needs you - maybe you can channel all that maternal love you have to her, at least for now?

WOW that's nasty, girl. No matter what you went through, that's uncalled for. She's your little sister, and she was just expressing how she was feeling. I'm pretty sure she never for one second was intending to hurt YOU any. So why do that to her? When she needed you most, you kicked her when she was down. I voted not forgive. I dont think I could. Not for a LONG LONG time, anyways.
She didn't come to your house and call you names and make fun of you for not being able to hold a pregnancy, did she? And if she did, wouldnt you be totally flabbergasted and floored? I imagine so. What you did is very similar. Shame on you.
You should keep trying to apologize. Definitely.

I voted undecided. I don't know how your relationship with your sister is like. Maybe you've been the doting older sister all this time and something like this really hurt you so you took it out on her? You are both sisters. That is what makes this more difficult and painful for both of you. I think your sister just needs a bit more time. And, for you to keep apologizing until she has accepted it...

This it tough. Good luck!

I was undecided, but now that I"m really thinking about it, I don't think that I would forgive you for a really long time. You turned on her when she was feeling really scared and probably very insecure of herself and her ability to be a good morther.

The reason why I said I wouldn't forgive you is becuase, I think you really feel that way about her. I think you think you are better than her and more deserving and in a huge wave of emotion you just happened to mistakenly let her know that. Which is a no-no. Especially to a family member.

You should write her a letter though. The fact that its your sister and family tends to be able to forgive easier because of the bond, hopefully one day she can find it in her heart to let you back in her life.

I cannot believe the majority is for "not forgive." You were obviously still emotionally raw from your miscarriage. That would be a terrible thing to deal with. I wish it on no one. With that said, the things you said to your sister were pretty terrible and you obviously owe her a major apology.

Keep in mind too, that she is 8 months pregnant and she is probably drowning in pregnancy emotions right now. When I was 8 months pregnant, I cried at the preview for "We Are Marshall." And I never really cry.

I would suggest that you continue to reach out. She will eventually speak to you, but she may not forgive you for a very long time. Be persistent and supportive...that's about all you can do at this point. Good luck!

I voted not forgive for now, I am sorry you lost your baby but that does not give you license to treat family like crap. I would like to know what your relationship was like with your sister before this all happened I have a feeling it was on thin ice to begin with. You need to get help with handling your grief and be prepared for her not to want you in her life for a very long time.

Only someone who has been in the OPs shoes would ever understand.

I've struggled to get pregnant for 5 years. In that time I've had 4 miscarriages.

While you are in that trying to conceive "mode" - every single month you get your period is devastating. You feel as though you have no control. You try to do everything right - diet, no drinking, taking your vitamins - but still it doesn't work. All around you, you see people - "normal" people - getting pregnant with ease. Coworkers. Family members. Movie stars. The pregnant lady you see in the checkout line sends you over the emotional edge.

To try for so long, and then to miscarry, is the ultimate devastation. Not only did you have all the other crap, but now you've come so close and then failed. No matter how level headed you wish you could be, your hormones are going ballistic and ensure that you will cry daily, say mean things to family and friends, isolate yourself.

I do think you should be forgiven - but I also understand where you sister is coming from. I would hope that you've been open with her already - so that she might begin to understand where you've been mentally. If she doesn't know you struggles, then you need to detail them for her.

I also HIGHLY recommend you see a therapist - even better one who specializes in infertility issues. If you haven't already been referred by your OBGYN to an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) then please do that today. An RE will also be able to get you into support groups (Usually through RESOLVE) as well as helping to diagnose your problem.

Good luck to you and I hope your sis comes around.

I chose "forgive". No one knows how devastating a miscarriage can be. I went through one in February and I'm still trying to heal from it even though it was completely unplanned. I can understand your pain and frustration, but you HURT your sister and not to mention while she is pregnant. Remember that hormones work in a weird way when you're preggers. One time s not enough, go back try talking to her. IF she continues to slam the door on your face KEEP GOING BACK. Maybe write her a letter explaining how sorry you are and that you WANT to be there for her and the baby. JUST KEPP TRYING!

I vote undecided- mainly because I am really sad for you. I cant imagine what a miscarriage feels like -and I have come across women who are so consumed with wanting to be pregnant they lose all sight of reality. What you did to your sister was cruel and incredibly selfish. Beyond selfish. Because everyone goes through a tough time. You chose to take your grief and cause pain to someone you love. Not only that, you refused to apologize. You showed the worst side of yourself and caused months of pain. I only hope you can sit down and understand just how you behaved. You chose to hurt those you love instead of view your sister's predicament as possibly a blessing and a way to stop thinking about your pain and help and support someone else. I am truly sorry you haven't learned this yet. Apologizing once and giving up? You should be ashamed not because of what you did in the past but because you still have not learned your lesson. You need to seek help and then understand what forgiveness means. You do not have the right to expect it. You need to earn in and you also need to realize it won't happen overnight and certainly not after one lousy try.

I would have said forgive, if you would have made the move to get back in touch with your sister 7 months ago. I don't understand why it took that long.

Oh, and adopt. There are wonderful children that need homes out there. We (as a society) need to remember that, as opposed to pumping our bodies full of chemicals and hormones so we can produce litters of children.

One word: THERAPY