There's a movie called "I think I love my wife" there's one story line in there about how the man is like we never have sex and it takes the whole movie before they get to the answer (there is a subplot about a somewhat other woman just to warn you that I didn't like but it ended positive). If you do or don't watch the movie that's okay, but basically the wife especially just always seemed so busy and you forget the small things that make a relationship just wonderful sort of. I don't know if that's also what is prodding this issue. Sounds like from the story is that you had your kid, might have taken a while to get used to having this baby around, and since basically the kid was 1 you haven't had sex. Do you feel confident in your looks, I don't want to down right say "have you taken care of yourself physically - like personal up keep and groom" because that just sounds really insensitive of me, but you might have some issues revolving aroudn that and especially if he isn't trying to have sex with you either.

THis doesnt really sound like I helped much if at all, but I guess some food for thought, sorry.

hes either getting it elsewhere, or on the verge of getting elsewhere or has no sexual desire.
this is something u need to address quickly so it doesnt get messy.
if theres no intimacy for so long, theres no passion and therefore u dont love each other "in that way".

if u coexist nicely maybe u should consider separating and living close by for the sake of ur child. u deserve to have intimacy. and so does he. in the "right" way.

i hope i got my point across...im just out of it, sorry

You two need counseling like YESTERDAY! There's obviously some huge issues in your marriage that aren't being addressed. It is possible that you two have fallen out of love and need to move on but I think you two need to figure out what happened to the love, where you stand now, and how to proceed for the future. I think a marriage counselor can help you figure that out. Everyone in this home deserves love and to be happy...maybe that's with different people, and your child deserves to know what it is to live in a happy loving home environment without all the underlying unspoken issues going on here.

And I can't believe I even have to address this but NO you can't fake loving someone in hopes it will come true like your friend suggests. The fact that you even have to do this speaks volumes.

I really suggest u talk to your husband about it... sounds like a dry phase in ur sex life.. but nothing which means u don't love ur husband anymore... maybe u 've been busy with other things or with ur son who needs ur care now... but talking to ur husband abt it will be the best thing to do... b4 he starts feeling the same way u do... and maybe b4 he gets it 'elsewhere'.. you can even surprise him by doing something sweet for him... i really dnt think u don't love him anymore or such... maybe u both ve taken each other for granted tat u feel this way... so ask ur husband how he feels abt it... and sort it out.. after all 15yrs of marriage is no joke... hardly any marriage last tat long these days.. so tc.

i don't think love is a choice but i think love is work and it sounds like you guys just stopped working at it! i agree with some suggestions above. first talk to your husband- see what his thoughts are on your marriage! then if he agrees and wants to work at it- see a counselor. i think its at least worth trying to work at it before you decide you don't love him anymore. maybe you just need to make some small changes in your relationship to get it back on track- and a couples counselor might really help!

You created a child with this man, so you absolutely owe it to your child to give it a 200% effort to fall back in love with your husband. Sounds like the sex stopped during your pregnancy. Did you know that when people get naked together hormones that encourage bonding are transferred from one to the other? You have not been getting your daily dose of these chemicals. Even if you don't quite have those loving feelings, I do encourage you to get naked with your husband and have daily chest-to-chest contact and cuddling.

Also consider that sex is very much a "use it or lose it." This means that even if you don't feel up for sex, if you go ahead and do it, you'll probably find that desire is rekindled and you will feel more and more like doing it.

As for love, spend time each day face-to-face. I know this is hard when you have a four-year-old. Find a way to do this, whether it is sitting across from each other at the dinner table instead of side-to-side, or carving out a 30 minute block of time before bed to hold each other and gaze into each other's faces. Because this is how we fall in love in the first place: deep within our limbic systems, something stirs when we watch the expressions on our lover's face... something that reminds us of our very first experience with love.

As for love being a choice, I think it's more like love is an ACTION. So think of what you used to do in the early days. You probably kissed each day upon greeting each other. You may have written love notes. You probably said please and thank you and treated each other politely. Get back in the habit of doing these things each day. Yeah, go through the motions if you have to. It's like brushing your teeth, okay? If you don't keep up the habit, everything starts to rot away. That's what's happened with you and your hubby. You fell out of the habit of loving each other and showing that love.

If you feel you have no time for this because of your child care duties, remember that children do best when they have two parents who love each other. Put your marriage first, and all else falls magically into place.

While I dont really believe that love is a choice, I do kind of agree with your friend. If you want things to change, you have to make a conscious effort to change those things. I also agree with meg-it sounds like you guys just slipped into some sort of mundane routine and then 3 years later went "oh crap! what happened?!" (and I think alot of couples go through this) You say that youve been trying for a few weeks and havnt felt any change, but you havnt been intimate with him in over 3 years, its going to take longer than just a few weeks of trying to fix things! I dont think you should get divorced, as some posters have mentioned. I dont think a lack of intimicy is a good enough reason to get a divorce, especially when a child is involved. I think maybe you should try some individual and couples counseling, if this is a problem that you two really cant fix on your own. you have a 4 year old son and havnt had sex in 3 years....have you ever talked to a doctor about postpartum depression? Im not saying thats what this is, because I really dont know too much about it, but that would be where I would start.
Good luck.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.-Ron White

Counseling. Go. Now.

I pretty much agree with your friend. Passion is never going to last (in a natural way) throughout your marriage. When you think of the fact that he's such a great father to your son and you guys co-exist pretty well together, putting a little effort in re-igniting your initial passion seems a small effort. Remember that passion is just a game and love is real. Sounds like you're lucky enough to have the love; you can always recreate the former.

i agree with the above post.

but since you're not telling us ALL the chisme, then i don't know what's really going on.

maybe you two have grown out of each other.

Marriage counseling, personal therapy.

I dont understand the people saying to just fall back in love with ur husband. Is love really a choice like that for some people? If we had complete and total control of who we fall in love with the world will be a much simpler place. All the heartbreaks, all the crazy situations that two people can experience would not exist, because we would just simple CHOOSE to fall out of love with those people and in love with the people that are just convenient for us.

I dont know you well enough to tell you what to do, and marriage counseling can work. but if the question is whether love is a choice or not the answer is no, it is not a choice, unless people choose to settle for someone, but then that is not love. that is convenience.

Passion fades over time.
If you say he's a great father and you guys get along alright, are you sure you aren't mistaking love for passion?
You're not going to feel excited every time you see him, or pounce on each other all the time. That's not what love is about.

A segment from the novel Corelli's Mandolin that I really believe in:

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts and then subsides.
When it subsides, you have to make a decision.
You have to work out whether your roots have grown so intertwined that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.
Love is not breathless, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion...
That is being "in love," which any fool can do.
Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away.
Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the blossoms had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree, not two.

It's not so much that it's a choice, but it's a relationship -- and just like any other relationship, it takes work.

Maybe there's some validity to the LOVE FERN in "How to Lose a Guy" . . . okay, that's kind of overkill, but still, effort is key.

If you can, take a look at the situation as an outsider rather than a party. Substitute one of your good friends for your husband. If you and your friend had treated each other the same way you and your husband have treated each other for the last 3 years, would yall's relationship be the same today as it was 3 years ago?

Wow, that's a beautiful passage annbaby. Especially the last sentence really gets me.

I think passion does fade over time, so you have to find ways to work to keep it alive. Ultimately, it is you and your partner's choice to either try and make the relationship work or not. It sounds to me like, because you are not having sex, you just stopped trying to be intimate with him. It is hard to say, because I don't know if the intimacy died first, and then the sex or the other way around. In either case, if you want to stay with him it will take work on both of your parts to rekindle what's lost. But it all depends if you are both commited and willing to try to make that change. You did find him sexually stimulating at one point in time, can you remember why or how that felt? Can you remember some great times you had in bed together and self-pleasure yourself while doing so or initate sex? Perhaps this would help. If you guys can't do this alone, couples counselling would be the best option if you are both commited to trying to make it work.

I would recommend counseling... but both parties have to be committed for it to work. Maybe you should talk to your husband in a non-confrontational way and see if you can figure some things out before trying therapy. Maybe he feels like he is not as much of a priority to you if you spend a lot of time with your child, or maybe you feel like you are not as much of a priority to him since you have had a child. Maybe do things as a family, or make a little bit more of an effort to have that "couple time".

It sounds like one or both of you might be have depression- lashing out at the ones you love and lack of sexual desire are major red flags. Maybe you need a change in lifestyle? A vacation or a trip to somewhere in your state? You could go alone or together... life gets overwhelming and sometimes you NEED to step back and let go for a little bit.

(And you can be in love without having sex, and you can be having sex without being in love or totally feeling it in that moment. The two don't necessarily have to go hand in hand.)

Perhaps you should focus more on what you ARE than what you AREN'T... that is an extremely bad path to go down- my mother has spent a great majority of her life making herself feel inadequate and this has warped her relationships with our whole family.

And if you and your husband are having blow out fights, don't assume that your child doesn't know what's going on. They may not understand the reasons behind the fighting, but they understand that "daddy doesn't like mommy". You all need to work out a better system when you're angry.

All that said, I wish you the best. As Moonlight said: Hardly any marriages last that long these days.
But you are not obligated to stay married if you are unhappy.

oh

yea so tru e

My friend's mom used to tell us that love is a choice and that every day she had to choose to love her husband. I don't believe this is true, or ideal, or even healthy. Friendship is a good basis for a marriage but sex is a really important part you can't take out. You CAN have a friendly separation or a calm divorce, if you both stay calm and civil. There's no reason you can't be friends. Even if you have a kid, you can't keep being unhappy. Maybe you could try seeing other people without making any major changes (like one of you moving out) yet. Take it slow and try to discuss it rationally. You don't want things to get messy, especially with a four year old.

Lack of sex is a kind of indicator. An alarm is going off because a main system is failing. You can keep flying for a while on one engine but you can't go forever. Your daughter is sort of a safety area where you can land with minimal damage, so that puts your mind at ease for now. But time is running out. You have a choice ahead of you. You can put on a parachute and let the plane crash. You will survive, and start over but there will be hell to pay when you reach ground. Or you try to fix the problem finding a complex mass of burned out wires and leaking fuel that contributed to the failure. As I said sex is merely an indicator. There's no easy answers. You'll have to fix it soon, or get out before you start looking at other men.