He's slickly trying to tell you, "beware", and you know what? I would!!!
This guy isn't your soul mate baby, so I would rethink everything he's said and done in the past. Add up some conversations and feelings to see if they match his actions!

Just because he's coming you about his "urges" doesn't mean he's better than the other cheaters! He's just a wimp!
GOOD LUCK babe!

I think almost famous is very wrong..it is entirely based upon their thought process and how they are brought up. He could just be the type that feels horrible for even having lustful thoughts while being with his partner (some people feel that even the urge is cheating!) so that level of guilt even for your thoughts could be why he felt the need to share it. It also could be that he acknowledges these urges and is very concerned with the relationship and want to bring it up so that he isn't having to deal with it on his own, which is very mature. I don't believe in soul mates at all, but I do suggest that you certainly try to make it work since it would be rare if not impossible to find a guy without urges. It may be that you guys just need to spice it up! Find out if his urges are due to your relationship becoming monotonous and routine or if it is because of a different type of reasoning. Is he attracted to almost every woman at work, ones that have the same look as you, or completely different?

Find out the underlying issues and I wouldn't worry about him cheating, it just sounds like he is trying to make a change in your relationship before it gets to any step, which is praiseworthy. You may even consider trying counseling if you two have the time and money...you shouldn't be expected to have to deal with this all on your own; after all we all have our flaws, we're all human!

Quite frankly... Yes, I think it is normal to "be attracted" to someone other than the person you choose to spend your life with.

I've been married 4 years nearly, and I am attracted to other people... Would I ever act upon it? No. Do I flirt with these people? No. Do thoughts of wondering what it would be like to kiss them enter my mind? Yes.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

I think, I don't know for sure, but some men when they approach 'middle-age' go through changes. My mom used to tell me about this, I don't know the term about it, it's when they start to 'primp' up and it's almost like they're trying to 'prove' their virility or whatnot. So your common law hubby is probably the same way, which is normal.

But as long as he's keeping honest open communication and keep himself in check, and for you to not panic (because usually it's just temporary), I think it can be handled. Maybe decide a change of routine, and let him know too how you feel during the whole process.

As long as he's for real trying to keep the relationship with you exciting, alive and great, and give it all to stay faithful, I think he deserves a chance. But if he starts to 'give in' to his unfaithful urges and encourages you to have an open relationship, then you need to leave (IF you can't handle open relationship, everyone is so different regarding this).

Good luck.

My grandmother always said that the time to worry is when they stop looking. I'm sure my fiance appreciates a good looking woman, but I have absolute faith and trust in him that it would never go any further than that and never give it a thought. So I'm a bit way that your boyfriend is talking about this with you and am not sure what that means within your relationship, since I don't know either of you. If you feel this is something you have to be concerned about, then there seems to be a trust factor that's not fully intact, and I'd analyze that.

I agree with Berlin. At least he's honest!!!

I think it's awesome that he was so honest with you! Of course people get attracted to others, I think it is weird if you don't. It's what you choose to do about it that matters. If he is telling you and being honest, and letting you know he would never actually do anything, it is probably because it makes him uncomfortable to feel that way and you are the person whose opinion matters the most to him. If you say, "It's alright baby, it happens to everyone", it's going to make him feel a lot more secure in himself. My boyfriend and I talk about this, and I know that he will always be attracted to other people because that is who he is, and frankly I am just as much of a harmless flirt as him. At least we are honest about it to each other. I think it makes our relationship stronger to be honest about these things.

It's great that he is honest! Just make sure that you trust him. Working around woman for long hours can be tempting, even wherever he goes it can be tempting. But there are men out there that will stay true to you no matter how many woman come up to him. Trust me, if he loves you he won't cheat.

I agree in some ways with Berlin (2nd post). I really think it depends on the relationship and who he is.

I remember when my boyfriend confessed to me that he'd been looking at porn and he felt so guilty about it and like he was cheating on me. And it was really good in the end that we talked about it. Yeah, it made me feel self-conscious at first, but then I realized that the amount which he looks at porn is so minimal it's pretty much normal and at least that he was open with me and we got it out in the open.

Similarly, I think it's totally normal that people in long term relationships look at other people. As for his opening up to you about it - yeah, I can see how it makes you uncomfortable, especially given past history. Since he was honest with you, I think you need to be honest with him back that this makes you uncomfortable and that you really want to know you can trust him.

If he's in the right place, then he'll validate your concerns and make an effort to ensure that you can trust him.

If he blows off your feelings, then I would be more concerned that he's cheating/ready to cheat. But I hope that this is just a case of his feeling guilty and wanting to get it out in the open, but not act on it.

Good luck!

"as he is approaching middle age he has been having urges. He has said that there are women at his work that he's attracted to, and he's been having thoughts about what it would be like to be with someone else"...

"his admission has me concerned"

Sounds to me like your own instincts are telling you that you should be concerned and you should LISTEN to that! He told you what he feels and told you that he wouldn't act on this, yet your still concerned DO NOT blow this off! Even if we are to assume that you guys have a very open relationship clearly this isn't sitting well with you. Yea, we can say it's normal and at least he's honest but it sounds to me like the other shoe is gonna drop any day now.

I love im - because..............he is being honest with you. That means he cares about your feelings. He may or may have not done something but he is letting you know that he is human and sees someone else as attractive. We as human beings, no matter what, have eyes and sometimes forbidden things look good to us. Be thankful he told you. Just let him know if he wants to taste the fruit he can't have yours too!!!

I could never see this as honesty.
This situation is what many people would call a red flag...

haven't you ever heard the saying "i'm not dead, i'm married"? do you never find another man attractive? here's another saying for you "i don't care where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home" sounds like he's living the last one.

I have mixed feelings about his admission. It's one thing to be attracted to other women (which I think is normal), but it's another thing to have thoughts about being with someone else. See the difference? I guess I do.

If I were the you, I would have some concern. He may not be as dedicated to your relationship as he may intend. Time will tell.

If he cared about her feelings, he wouldn't make her feel worried like this...I agree with almost famous...

So a man who is communicative and open is now a "red flag"????

So what about men who are closed and keep it all in and dont say what's on their mind and are un-communicative??? perfect boyfriends and men??

It is at least good that you are talking with your man. As long the lines of communication are always open you are on a good foundation.

I may be wrong but I am just going to say it. This is not a red flag. A red flag would be if he started changing his attitude towards you, i.e. staying out late, shopping and primping himself, treating you like shi* and then your wonder ohhh, what happen, what is wrong with me. He is being a man and telling you what he is feeling. Most do not. I agree with Berlin. What you should do now is communicate, spice it up, ask him why, what is it about this woman. Now if he went and cheated on her, you all would be calling him out. If you think he is wrong for being honest b/c he hurt her feelings, get over it. You all are adults, he is being a man and now you need to be a woman. You need to let him know cheating will not be tolerated. Now if he goes and does it you need to make the choice kick his a** out and move on or be the rug he walks on.

I may be wrong but I am just going to say it. This is not a red flag. A red flag would be if he started changing his attitude towards you, i.e. staying out late, shopping and primping himself, treating you like shi* and then your wonder ohhh, what happen, what is wrong with me. He is being a man and telling you what he is feeling. Most do not. I agree with Berlin. What you should do now is communicate, spice it up, ask him why, what is it about this woman. Now if he went and cheated on her, you all would be calling him out. If you think he is wrong for being honest b/c he hurt her feelings, get over it. You all are adults, he is being a man and now you need to be a woman. You need to let him know cheating will not be tolerated. Now if he goes and does it you need to make the choice kick his a** out and move on or be the rug he walks on.

This is so selfish. If/when he cheats, he can say "well I told you I was having these feelings" like that will make it better. And if she doesn't "spice things up" and try to be like the other women he's attracted to, it can somehow be partly her fault that he strayed. Ridiculous.

But really, what is she supposed to do now? Chain him down? Talk him out of cheating on her? I mean really, how is this openness going to help cure his urges? If he wants to cheat, then he will.

It should be HIM that stops HIMSELF from cheating. Her knowing only causes pain for her and relieves a bit of his guilt. He needs to manage his urges on his own.

This is the definition of "red flag." All that means is you have to watch out for yourself. Don't just expect that he's been honest and open and that makes him so great, and now everything is okay. It isn't.

I think the main thing to do here is to tell him exactly how you feel. Maybe start with: "Everyone is attracted to other people. It makes us human. I don't really understand why you felt the need to tell me this UNLESS you are warning me that you are going to be unfaithful. If you have the urge to cheat and are being honest with me because you want to throw it in my face in the future that at least you were honest, then we need to have a serious discussion about this. If you are being honest because you feel it is the right thing to do, I appreciate it and I think it is perfectly OK for you to feel attracted to someone who is not me. Im attracted to guys who are not you but I love you and I am committed to this relationship." Reword that however you like but it needs to be said.

I think the key here is that you view yourselves as soulmates, and that you both come from broken families in which your partners were unfaithful.

Some people have a belief that goes like this:

"If you are my soulmate, then I would never be attracted or tempted to anyone else but you."

Problem with that belief is that when one finds himself attracted to another, the immediate response is "Oh, then you must NOT be my soulmate afterall!! I was wrong all along!!!"

Your partner is completely flustered because he's discovering that it is possible to be attracted to someone else. And now it's dawning on him what his ex might've felt. Does that mean he's doomed to cheat too??? He's scared.

What makes people not cheat is that they don't act on the attraction. Everyone has attractions.

It has no bearing on how much he loves you, and how right the two of you are for each other.

Just keep the conversation going, and try to abandon any magical thinking you two might have going on in your heads. This does not mean he's going to cheat, it does not mean you aren't soulmates.

P.s. The number one most effective way to nip a potential temptation in the bud is to confide in your partner. This is because affairs flourish in secrecy. It's no longer a secret, so he will probably find that the temptations he's having start to disappear.

I don't agree with this being a "red flag" either. While I admit I am a jealous woman and would have a hard time dealing with it inside I would know that it's just his thoughts... If I don't see any other actions suggesting otherwise why shouldn't I trust him? We ALL know men are visual. They think about having sex with other women and have fantasies.. why is this any different, because he told you? Big deal. Don't you ever have dreams about having sex with someone else? If you say no, I don't believe you.. every woman I know has dreams about having sex with other men (and just because you are asleep doesn't mean your subconscious doesn't know what it's doing).

I also meant to say that dreaming or fantasizing about other men doesn't make me love my husband any less or that I am going to go do something with someone else.

sjj158, I just don't get why he told her. Yes, everyone fantasizes about being with other people from time to time. But what is the purpose of telling your partner that?

If everyone knows that everybody fantasizes, then what was the point of telling her this like it's news? Just to "be honest" about it? That doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't add up. For me, there are three reasons why he could have brought this up to his "soulmate:"

1. He wants to get the guilt off his chest for even thinking about acting on his urges, which means he almost went for it and he is selfishly using her to feel better
2. He thinks he might slip up and act on his urges and wants to warn her and be able to say later that he did
3. He wants her to do more sexually interesting/fun things, either just the two of them or with some other women because he is bored

For me, none of these reasons count as just being open and honest, and for me, none would be acceptable. If others can think of some other valid reason for why he'd tell her this, then I would love to know. But because of these things, I find it to be a red flag for sure.

Thanks, workin9to5 and cvandoorn
I don't know what type of logic some women have.
This is the very exact reason so many marriages end in a divorce!
Stop over looking a potentially bad situation.

Beware....ladies!!!!!

Workin9to5 I agree that he shouldn't have told her. That was, in my opinion, his only mistake. I have a friend who is the mist of marriage counseling and after an "honesty" session my friends husband told her that he'd fantasized about several of her friends. This was completely out of line but he just thought he was being honest. My friend flipped out, of course, and later when I told my husband about it he said, "Great, all that has done is reinforce to him that being honest doesn't really mean being honest. He'll remember that he was punished for that." After talking to my friend she said her husband said the exact same thing. It's not always a case of pending infidelity; especially in marriages. If you don't trust your partner then you have a problem. He made a mistake, I agree but eventually you have to get over it and move on.

And AlmostFamous, my logic is to not over react and make a situation something it's not. I can't read his mind, if he says something I have to believe it, otherwise the marriage might end in divorce. My marriage is based on trust and working things out. People get divorced because they aren't willing to work things out and stick out the tough times. I see too many women on this site that immediately jump to the conclusion that every mistake should lead to dumping your partner/SO. If you are truly married for the right reasons then you should be willing to at least *attempt* to work things out.

I believe some people think with their hearts and not minds...
It's my opinion and I'm sticking to it.
I wish the poster with the problem all the luck!

Wow, we often say about affairs, "It wasn't the sex so much, it was the lying and dishonesty." We rate honesty as highly important in our relationships.

Then when a person *is* honest, we say he shouldn't have been???

What is wrong with that picture?

This grosses me out! I would dump this man as politely as he told me he thinks other women are hot.

I think it says a lot about your relationship that he would tell you this instead of acting on it. I also commend you for not getting angry or accusatory. It must be hard to hear that but I'm sure you've had innocent thoughts like this too. I think it's great that you're at that level with each other. While you might not want to hear that he thinks about other women like that at least you know. I'd ask him if there are things he'd like to do with you. These are perfectly normal feelings and if you'd rather not know then you can tell him not to tell you in the future.

I'd really like to know where all the women that are posting that those of us who don't think this is a red flag are being naive find their perfect men. Because you all must be alone if you are this careful! If you really don't think that your men don't look at other women and don't fantasize about having sex with other women, then you are naive. I doubt there is any man that wouldn't do that at least once in his life (or once a week more likely!) It is not about what you think about doing, it is what you DO that defines you. Many of your men probably flirt with some coworkers or other girls now and then. They just don't tell you. I really think her man just wanted some reassurance for himself that nothing was wrong with him. If she goes and leaves him for him confessing this, then he will never feel good about himself and will probably end up cheating on his next relationship because he couldn't win when he was honest.

I think petite42 hit the nail on the head. Everyone has these thoughts, it's only natural. The man is being honest, and he clearly just needs some reassurance that it's okay to have an imagination. Just acknowledge it for what it is, which is harmless fantasy. If you make a huge deal out of it, you'll only reinforce his fears that there's something wrong with the relationship and it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not to mention the power of reverse psychology.

If my boyfriend ever tells me that he doesn't find other women attractive, I'll tell him to stop the BS. In fact, my boyfriend and I have a lot of silly fun discussing the relative hotness of everyone we know, of people we see walking down the street, etc. If I think a guy is hot, I never hesitate to ask my boyfriend's opinion. Often, I'm the one pointing out hot girls to him, and he'll point out guys to me. At the end of the day, we go to bed with smiles on our faces because both of us know that there isn't anyone else we'd rather be cuddled up with.

For the women who disagree, the fact is that you'll NEVER find a hot-blooded straight/bi male who truly thinks that you're the only decent looking female on the planet. So you'll either have to spend the rest of your life single or blissfully ignorant. If you honestly believe that your man would never have even a smidgen of a dirty thought about another woman, well... I have a bridge I'd like to sell you...

pixiedust1010, I totally agree!! I mean, we all have ridiculous fantasies that don't have any bearing whatsoever on reality. When I walk by a fancy convertible with the top down, I fantasize about jumping in just to see what it's like to sit in it. When my friend falls asleep during a movie, I fantasize about drawing a nice curly French mustache on his face with a sharpie. When I go to a restaurant, I might be tempted to skip the entree and order every desert instead.

That doesn't mean I would ever EVER do any of these things in real life! And having these thoughts does not make me a bad person. A decent person isn't someone who has never had an impure thought - you know, unless you're under the delusion that your man is the second coming of Christ, in which case you should really seek some help. A decent person is someone who has human weaknesses but has the care and discipline not to act on their urges.

We all agree that everyone has these thoughts. But telling your significant other about them doesn't make sense unless something is wrong in the relationship that he wants to discuss. In that case, I hope they discussed their other issues. But the poster didn't mention that at all, just that he told her this, and now what should she do?

She should talk to him about what this means and what he wants to do now. Maybe everything is fine, but she needs to address why he brought this up.

Well, I'd love to be blissfully ignorant on this topic, however I'm all too aware of how attractive my husband finds other women. For a few months when we were starting our relationship, he was so totally focused on me and then one day...not so focused. And I hate it. I don't care what he does when I'm not around and he knows it, I've said so but when I'm with him and he stops in mid-sentence because he's so taken by the sight of a lovely lady, it makes me want to hurl. I do know he'd never go off with another woman and this is what saves his ass. This is a timely post as just this morning we had a round about it, because he tried telling me again that he "never looks anymore." Bullsh*t! And I told him so. We'll work it out, but I'll be dipped in sh*t before I would ever believe that he doesn't ever check out other women, when he does it with me 6 inches away!

I want my ignorant bliss back. Really.

Hi sweetie,
I found this website since my boyfriend told me something liket that 3 days ago, I looked myself at the mirror, thought for 2 days and said u think there is someone better than me you will see, ever since my I’ m taking some distance not physically but I’m being reserve given that he hurt me and showing him I pretty inside out , I’m smart and have a very good friends and people that want to spend time with me. I went to hairdresser and even got a new look he start behaving like a puppy since last night now and I’m going to keep acting like this until I feel he has totally reacted. The point is believe in you, empower you and hopefully we can get the best out of this relationships otherwise it will be their loss.

Hello,
Its nice that he is so open and honest with you, but for him to go as far to say he wonder what its like to be with them would concern me as well. To me, its one thing for my guy to say he is attracted to another woman (generally speaking), but to say he wonders how the sex would be or whatever would make me think that if he had the opportunity, he would take it. But, tell him how you feel, and how you are concerned, since he has brought these things up to you. It hard to say how the conversation will go from there. But let him know how you feel and really dig in him and if he's open and honest, he will explain why he felt the need to tell you all of that and if in his heart, he has any intentions of going there. This is a hard one, but talk to him first. And most importantly, follow your heart.
--Best of luck to you

just want to add to sjj158 about your quote, "If you don't trust your partner then you have a problem."

that is entirely untrue. I am not the most trusting person but it's not because i have a problem, it's because i have been betrayed too many times!

it's all about trust... if the 2 of you normally confide in eachother, why is this so different? If my bf sees a beautiful woman when he's with me, he'll say so... if we're on the computer together and he sees a hot chick, he'll say so... i do get a lil jealous sometimes, but i know that he's merely making a statement, not trying to get the girl's phone number... It is an exercise in trust because of his admission to being attracted to co-workers, but i think you should really just try to trust him....don't analyze every lil statement to death... if in the 6 yrs you've been together, he hasn't so much as admitted to being attracted to other women, you should cut him some slack...
maybe he's just trying to find a way to ask you for a threesome??