Very cool of him to be upfront & honest.
I'd still run for the hills!

luckily Ive never had to deal with this, so I dont know what I would do. But Id imagine that I would cross myself (even though Im not catholic)and thank god and my lucky stars(even though I dont believe in god..or lucky stars. ) that I didnt kiss him or have sex with him..And then Id just thank him kindly for the dates and tell him that after almost 25 years of being std free, I dont plan to start now.

Me too hootie...herpes is definitely a deal breaker!

'Aww that sucks!' (screeching tires....)lol. No WAY would I ever hook up with someone who has herpes.

Ah, poor guy! I'd give him a hug. I'd hate to write someone off for that since it's very prevelent, but at the same time I don't want it. I guess I'd ask what he has done to manage it, for example, see if he's on medication. I'm a condom girl anyways, so that wouldn't be too much of an inconvenience. But in the end it would really come down to how much I liked him and how much I was willing to risk.

I agree with you Mandy... Everyone above has thier dealbreakers, but I guess they are the same type of girls that would write off a good man if he had kids, or didn't make enough money for them.

Joke all you want, there are plenty of good guys out there that have an STD (and wasn't thier fault, like an ex cheated on them and them passed it on to them), that manage it and still have successful relationships. It just depends on the guy and if I was willing to risk it for him.

jenny-actually...my BF has a kid..and I obviously didnt write him off. I dont care how great of a guy you are for my own health, I would not have sex with someone who has an STD...thats just being smart.

This is DEFINITELY a dealbreaker for me.

end of relationship, full-stop.

Man I would be SOOO disappointed. Because upon telling me that, I would have to say good-bye.

Be ecstatic that I dodged a bullet with that one! Yay for honesty, but STDs are so not my thing:) I'd keep him on as a friend tho

He sounds like a great guy that ended up having something horrible happen to him. I love that he was honest and up front even though it made him feel completely awkward. This is definitely NOT A DEALBREAKER for me bad things happen to good people all the time and as long as he is being responsible it is fine with me. I am not having children anyway.

20% of Americans have herpes. Of that 20%, 90% don't even know they have herpes. 80% of American adults have Herpes I, aka cold sores, which can easily be transmitted to the genital area.

At least he is honest with you and is up to date with his health.

As bad of a rep that herpes gets, it is only a skin condition. It won't affect your reproductive system like those other STDs that are "treatable" and it goes away after (not permanently) awhile.

You can still have a sexual relationship and not spread the disease. Get to know the guy and then figure out if you think it is worth it. If this is his only "problem/flaw", then consider yourselves lucky.

Meh. Get him to get treatment and proceed as before. What else?

Wow. I will give him thumbs-up for being upfront about having herpes.

In reality, it is a deal breaker for me. But since this is a 'supposedly' thing, I'd probably: If I were so into him, what would happen was he and I would have to go to his doctor so that he can be further educated about the STI, and what appropriate measures to take in order that I won't get infected. For him to take appropriate medication (Is it Valtrex..the one that's being advertised on TV?)

If the relationship is not that serious and I don't have much emotional investment, I'd thank him for being honest, suggest that he needs more education about the STI, to get proper medication and praised him for being honest (so that he won't feel the need to lie the next time he dates another girl), and maybe I'd run for the hills...or walk to the hills...He'd still be a friend.

If the guy is afraid to kiss, it sounds like he's got herpes type I - the kind that causes cold sores. 80% of adults have this type by the time they are 40 - most don't have any symptoms.

So first step would be to get a blood test too, because chances are very good the woman asking the question is *already* infected... whether she has ever had a cold sore or not. This type is just so common. It can be spread through family members using shared glasses, towels, etc.

Yes, it can be spread to the genitals, so care would need to be taken with oral sex (it still can be done safely, using a dental dam).

Type II is a different matter, because even condom use does not fully protect against its spread. The entire "boxer short" area of the body needs to be covered during sex. Yes, wearing boxer shorts is one way to reduce risk... but not sure I'd want to sign up for that forever.. and there is still a risk.

If I really liked the guy, I might say, "Good, we have an excuse to take things really slow." And then proceed, knowing that if I was going to have sex with him, I must weigh the risks and he'd better be worth the chance.

But you know what... we should evaluate ALL our partners by that same standard. Sex is never completely risk-free.

Well, there are two types of herpes right?

The deadly genital one......and the oral/skin inflammation that about 75% of EVERYONE gets once or twice in their lifetime.

The first is from sexual contact.
The second is usually from bacteria (eg. you touch a door handle and then your hand comes in contact with your mouth, etc). They are commonly called "cold sores" but medically it is herpes.
It COMPLETELY heals in a matter of DAYS.

From the above article I conclude he has the SECOND type - because he is worried about kissing.

With those few facts out of the way, I would advice that you confirm with the guy what type it is. If its the lesser as I expect then wait for a week or two. Nothing wrong there.

Dont miss out on a great guy for nothing!

Good luck!

What type of herpes is it? Oral or genital?

Like another poster said, if it's oral, that's no big deal. They're cold sores on the mouth. Most people have that.

In fact, I have one right now. It's a small blister on the upper corner of my mouth. This is the first one I have in two years. It's not a big deal.

If it's genital herpes, that may give you pause. However, I know people who are in relationships with someone with genital herpes, and it's manageable. They just have to be careful.

Hi Everyone,
Thanks for weighing in and telling us how you'd handle this situation. Although you're all entitled to your own opinions, I just want to clear one thing up. You can not die of herpes. Happiness80 made a reference of one type of herpes being "the deadly genital" type and again, herpes CAN NOT KILL YOU! Yes, it is a nuisance and has a very negative stigma attached to it, it is manageable and with medication and safe sex practices, you can avoid passing along to others.

To reiterate DearSugar's VERY WISE comment - herpes is not fatal. End of story.

And to all of you girls who say a guy telling you he has herpes is a deal breaker - all I can say is that you could be missing out on the best guy in the world because of your stance on that. My fiance told me he had herpes the first time we met. I appreciated his honesty and had my concerns, but we were getting along fabulously and had great chemistry, and I figured I'd see how it went. Well, it's 6 years later, we're engaged and so you have a pretty good idea of how it's going. If I had just shut him out because of his herpes, I wouldn't have the wonderful man and fantastic life I have now. It's just something we work with/around as a team, which is what a relationship is all about anyway.

Hmmm this is a tough one. And I'll be honest and say I have no idea what I'd do. I don't think it's a dealbreaker for me but I'd definitely have to give it a lot of thought. If I really liked the guy and I saw a future, then I'd get passed it - IF he was managing it with medication ect. And that's if it was genital herpes. If it's oral herpes, it wouldn't bother me. I've been with my BF for 4 years - he has oral herpes, or cold sores, and I've never gotten it. He's also only had 3 or 4 cold sores in the entire time we've dated. So it's not big deal. As for you guys who seem to think oral herpes can be passed on to genitals. That isn't true. Oral herpes can not give you genital herpes. This was told to my BF by his doctor. The doctor actually said that if you have oral herpes you are less lucky to be able to contract genital herpes. Just thought I'd pass that tidbit of information on to you all.

*likely, not lucky

Thanks for the clarification, Dear.

I'd hate to think that I'd be overly judgmental about something like this. If I really liked the guy & if he was taking the necessary precautions to keep break-outs under control, I think I'd be willing to give him a chance. I know I'd definitely have reservations & concerns about it, but no one is perfect right? At least he was honest enough to say something up front!

I would definitely stop seeing this guy. I'm the jealous type and couldn't handle having to stop the sex and wait to make accommodations because of ANOTHER girl he's slept with.

Definitely not a deal breaker, herpes is not THAT big of a deal, it could be worse, and overall it is a very manageable disease....especially seeing how you could possibly sleeping with someone who already has it and doesn't know it, when you take in to account that the majority of folks with herpes are not aware of it. Additionally it can lay dormant in your body for many years before you find out you have it. Be glad he is honest, and I agree with one of the above posters, take it slow and make sure he is worth risking getting a disease for, before you sleep with him....Come to think of it, isn't that what you should be doing any time you are dating someone? Whether or not they have an STD, you never know who has it...

rpenner- It is possible to spread oral (type I/cold sores) herpes to the genital region if you have an active legion and engage in oral sex. There IS such a thing as genital herpes type I.

Also, those who have type I do have a built-up resistance to type II because they already have antibodies in their system. However, it won't always be enough and you shouldn't depend on that to protect you.

My BF got it from a former partner who did not disclose this info to him. He didn't know until over two years later when he had sores. He went to the doc and was diagnosed and given meds for it. Since he didn't even know about it I got it from him. I didn't show symptoms at all and we thought I might just be lucky. Until another year passed and I got my sores. I would say in the 8 years together, I have had like three outbreaks. His were more frequent, but are now almost non-existent. Mine, oddly enough traveled to my LEG and I now have an outbreak site (not active currently) just above my ankle.

Moral of the story is you NEVER KNOW who has it, and in this case I would say you would be lucky to get the heads up. Most people that have the virus never have symptoms. You CAN spread it with or without an outbreak. Some people are just carriers and will never have an outbreak. Those folks can be transmitting it left and right and not even know it. The Herpes virus travels too; you CAN get the genital variety orally as well AND spread it that way. Once you have type II you can have an outbreak anywhere on your body, so don't just assume that your cold sores are type I.

I would suggest that you all evaluate what is right for you, but don't discount someone based on a statement like this. It may very well be you one day that has to break this news to a new partner. Think how you would feel to be rejected because of this very manageable disease.

Honestly, I wouldn't know what to do. It would depend on how much I liked the guy, the way he treats me, etc. It is a manageable disease, I always use condoms anyways, but I still don't know what would be the best thing to do. I would have to measure my risks and decide if they are worth taking or not. I don't want to potentially catch an STD, but I wouldn't want to miss out on a great person who could bring some light into my life either. I honestly don't know what I would do! Lol. This is a toughie.

Kiddy, I def understand where you're coming from. Six months ago my boyfriend of over 3 years had his first outbreak. I was devastated, especially considering we had just moved in together. I basically threw my trust in him out the window, despite the fact that he swore he has always been faithful. The past couple of months have been a roller coaster of emotions but I am finally coming to terms with the fact that you can't change someone's past, all you can do is trust them and love them for who they are.

I can understand where most of you are coming from. The way herpes is dealt with in the media makes it sound so very scary. I have had herpes for five years and yes it can be a nuisance sometimes (though so very rarely for me) I have had way worse health issues. The only reason I'm ashamed of my herpes is because of the stigma it has with it. I'd have to give that guy props for being so honest and upfront.

kiddy & nikki, How very brave of both of you. Not a lot of people would be so open, even under the safety of internet anonymity. Good luck to you both.

I would give the guy a chance. You don't have to have sex with him. You may end up with a great friend, at the least.

Ah the inevitable HSV question comes up.
I also say kudos to you ladies that came forward, very brave. I have HPV & did a lot of reading on all STIs when diagnosed, so I am full of info & love sharing it, so that all people out there can start to get rid of the stigma that exists. I mean, did anyone read the CDC article about how 1 in every 4 girls under the age of 19 has an STI. How many boys do you think have them & by the time these girls are women, how many do you think will have it.

In fact, by age 50, 80% of all women have had HPV. Only about 10% of them have ever known about it.

On the topic of HSV, I thank everyone who corrected all the misnomers out there. It is FAR from deadly. In fact only about 10% of those infected with HSVII even know they have it. That being said, the other 90% can easily write it off as something else (jock itch, yeast infection, rash, etc) or they have absolutely no symptoms at all. So all of you who are saying it's a deal breaker, have you ever been tested for it? It's not part of a traditional STD testing kit, you have to ask for it directly.

HSVI. "oral herpes". 60-80% of people at age 30 have this virus. Only 20-40% of these people know they have it (ie, cold sores). And to whomever said that you can't get type I genitally, you are horribly wrong. In fact up to 50% of all recent diagnosis' are Type I genitally. It is so common, and most people wouldn't mention that they had it before entering a relationship.

HSVII. "genital herpes". 25-30% of all people at age 30 have this virus. Only 10% of them know it. This stays mainly in the genital region, but can be transmitted orally in very unique circumstances. The infected person has to have a genital sore, when the uninfected person gives them oral pleasure, and not always does it pass. Onlyl 2% of all oral infections are type II, and almost all of those people that contract it will only have one outbreak in their life orally.

BIG IMPORTANT FINISH. MOST DOCTORS ARE NOT UP TO DATE ON THIS KNOWLEDGE!!!! Don't always trust what your doctors have to say about HSV, do the research yourself.

I hope this helped someone!

herpes does sound very scary...but in reality it is very manageable, and more common than you may think! the guy you are sleeping w/ right now may have it w/ out knowing he has it (or w/ out letting you know..) at least this guy has the decency to be upfront and tell you and you can weigh the risks from there. seems like a great guy if for nothing else but his honesty. don't let a good thing pass you by w/ out at least giving it a fighting chance!

Thank you ella for clearing up the facts!! You made some really good points. I think emphasis really needs to be placed on two things:

1. Herpes is not divided between "oral" and "genital". It is HSV-1 (most usually known as cold sores) and HSV-2 (most usually thought of as genital), and you can get EITHER virus orally or genitally. That means you can contract HSV-1 genitally by receiving oral sex from someone who gets cold sores.

2. Herpes is not a part of the typical STI screening from your doctor, so you need to specifically request the test. Just because you've been tested for other STI's doesn't mean you've been tested for herpes.

Being informed is the best way to protect yourself!

sorry but I would be very proud of him for being honest, would remain friends but nothing more. I have to protect myself first, not his feelings.

So much information here- i don't know who is right and who is wrong!!??!! I am glad i don't have to worry about this stuff anymore. BUT if it was me and the guy i only had two dates with said he had herpes i don't think i could deal. The whole time we were doing it-that's all i would be thinking about! Good luck to all you ladies and be careful!

my boyfriend has HSV-1. he's on valtrex and we are careful. he got it from one of his high school girlfriends. no big deal. if i would have dumped him when he told me he had it, i would have missed out on one of the best things that has ever happened to me.

I am so surprised at how many posters are so against dating this poor guy who has the number one criteria everyone who wants to be in a healthy relationship should look for: honesty. I also do not see herpes as a deal breaker. It is a manageable STI and newsflash- MANY people have STDs and STIs. Chances are you have one and don't know it. Chances are your loved one or someone you know has it.

no biggy. just make sure you know the facts.

Hi there,

Herpes is a VIRAL infection, as you may know and there are 2 types of herpes viruses; type 1 is extremely common ( it's what people call a "cold sore" ), many people have this, but few are symptomatic. It is no big deal, only if you DO have a cold sore, give up on oral sex until it's completely gone. Now type 2 herpes is less common, it is tramsmitted through sexual intercourse, and many people that have this infection don't show any symptoms. The few that DO may have mild symptoms: they may experience itching or burning at first,then a small cold sore-like lesion may appear on any part of their genital organ and this usually lasts a few days. Unfortunately, a minority of people experience severe symptoms, such as pain, acute burning etc... They may even have fever, nausea and abdominal pain. These people need to treat the infection everytime it reccurs.
Now even though this may sound unpleasant, herpes infection is NOT dangerous or fatal and if your friend DOES have type 2 and you do want to start a relationship with him, it's something you have to discuss. Since he's been upfront about it, he probably won't mind discussing the problem and especially finding a solution: if he's got symptoms, don't have sex until the lesions are completely gone, and if you can't wait, use a CONDOM.
The last thing you should know is that one STD increases your chances of catching another one (yes AIDS also), so be sure that before you guys get down to more serious business, get tested both. Now if you tell him that you want to get tested also, it will make it easier for him to take that step and as for as you're concerned, a check up is always a good idea, especially if you have nothing to fear
And I'm sure that you'll find the rights words with this guy if you really want him.
Good luck

I'd thank him for telling me.. and then that would end all interest. Herpes is DEFINITELY a deal breaker.. then I'd send him to an STD dating website. Okay maybe not. But that would suck.

OK...THIS IS A VERY REAL PROBLEM...AND WITH ONE IN FOUR HAVING AN STD MOST OF US ARE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER.....I READ SOMEWHERE THAT A VACCINE IS ALMOST READY TO PREVENT IT....BUT THAT'S NOT A CURE...WE'VE NEVER REALLY CURED A VIRUS...SO IT COMES DOWN TO HOW MUCH YOU CARE...AND HOW CAREFUL YOU CAN BE...IT'S BETWEEN THE TWO LOVERS....TOTALLY PERSONAL..

It seems that some folks here are under the impression that if someone doesn't have an outbreak, they can't spread it. THIS COULD NOT BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH. The truth is that Herpes II CAN be transmitted from a carrier to someone IN ABSENCE of an outbreak. That's one of the reasons this gets spread so fast and without detection. As I said before, you can be a carrier and not even know it and thus pass it on.

I dont understand how some of you are saying "herpes is not that big of a deal" this just really boggles my mind...My answer would have been totally different if I was in, say, kiddys, situation where I was with someone for a long time and then found out they had it. But after two dates with a guy, Im really shocked that some of you would be willing to put yourselves at risk..

points for honesty.
Super, power points for honesty.
Because once i had that peice of information, I'm outta there.

I know this is a pretty old post, but I was looking through the archives and felt compelled to comment.

Up until last week I would have probably been in the "Thanks for your honesty, see you around" camp. I would like to think that maybe I would have given it some time, to get to know him and see if it was worth the risk. But everything changes when the situation is reversed. It's hard not to get upset, thinking about the general reaction to this sort of thing. And how hard it would be to find someone who would be willing to look past it.

I feel so SO lucky that my partner of 2 years didn't even blink when I told him what I thought was a really (really) bad yeast infection was in fact HSV. I don't yet know if its type I or II, or have any idea when I may have been infected. I have always been in long term, committed relationships, and taken great care to be safe.

Despite my disappointment about becoming a statistic (the ONE in five), I am confident in my ability to deal with it. As much as it feels like it, its not the end of the world. My partner, my mom, and my best friend are all supportive, and don't act like its gross or unacceptable.

My advice to everyone would be to get tested, since it isn't on the standard panel of tests. I may have known a lot sooner that way, and hopefully avoided the misery I was in for a week and a half.

I would respect the man for his honesty and integrity. Several of my friends have dated men with herpes and NEVER got it, because the men took precautions (medication) and used condoms and didn't have sex when they felt an outbreak. They both dated these men for years by the way. One of my friends got herpes from a man who never even knew he had it and they HAD used a condom but she still go it. So, all of those women who say that they would turn this man down: 25% of the population has genital herpes. Many of those people who have it do not even know they have it, and may be passing it along without even knowing it. In all honesty, you would probably be less likely to get it from being in a monogamous relationship with a man who knows he has it and is responsible than from a string of affairs or casual sexual relationships. And NO, condoms do not protect you from herpes entirely. It is skin to skin contact, and the condom does not cover all of his skin. If I were dating this man, I would be pleased that he had the courage to be honest. That says a lot about a person's character and shows he is responsible and cares about your health, as well as being responsible with his own health.

My boyfriend gets cold sores, so that's type I. I can handle that, and I don't kiss him when he gets them, as I don't have the virus, and hope to never get it!

Now type II (genitalia) sounds even less pleasant, and I really wouldn't like that. If I'm not even inlove yet, I wouldn't risk my health for this man. I barely even know him...