Sounds to me that she's using being drunk as an excuse to cheat on her boyfriend, in that she can free herself of any blame. She sounds like the classic attention wh*re,and the fact that she's going around telling anyone that she's been raped is big signal for it. If I were you I would find a new friend. I can't stand people who can never own up to their own mistakes. Besides she sabotaging an innocent man's life with her allegations. If I were the bf I would have dumped her long time ago.

Her bf is a fool to believe her.

I don't say this because I don't believe that it happened. I'm saying this because I don't believe for a second that it happened TWICE.

A woman who is raped has a tendency to mistrust men for a long time afterward, and would NOT put herself in the position to be taken advantage of in that way again. I know. I've been there, and I've participated in support groups with other women who have been there.

IMO, she is quite simply lying.

I think your friend is very, very attention needy. Because rape is such a sensitive subject, she uses it to get attention and sympathy. I completely agree with the last two replies....and if I were you, I'd have a very hard time staying in the friendship.

*ahem*

I realized after my rant that I didn't exactly answer the question. I don't know if you should dump her as your friend, but you should let her know that continuing to say things like that, but still put herself in these situations makes her look like the instigator, not the victim. Frankly, in the eyes of some, at least, it makes her look whorish, and one day, knock on wood, she might really need some help with something like that (heaven forbid), and no one will believe her.

You should find a way to get her to just admit that she's made mistakes, even if it's just admitting it to you. She'll feel a whole lot better.

I hate to say this but when you're too drunk to say yes/no, it's technically called rape. It's tricky in situations like this, where she definitely wanted to have sex. To be freely talking about this though, is horrible to people who are actually traumatized an event like this.

It sounds a little far-fetched, I agree, but still, you don't know what happened and I don't think you should accuse her of lying. Because you DON'T know for sure what happened.

I agree with Dear's advice of expressing your concern to her...but just don't do it in an accusatory way. If she IS lying, she obviously has some issues going on and needs help. And of course, if she is telling the truth, she will also need support to get through it.

So, she claims to be raped and is, for the most part, telling everyone else about it. Has she even pressed charges against these men? I would certainly approach her with that question. And, if she answers, 'no', I would ask why and pressure her to take these men to court. If she gets defensive and mad about it, and how she's ashamed it happened, well, it's pretty certain her stories are bs. For a girl who has been 'raped' she seems to be wearing it very proudly on her sleeve.

i will just say this:
MOST people who are raped do not tell everyone about it. They usually struggle with shame, and close themselves off from people. Her behavior sounds more attention seeking than anything.. BUT. you can't accuse her of lying because you weren't there.. even if she's notorious for being perspicuous, has done it before, etc. it doesn't mean she's lying. rape is a really hard issue to deal with, and if this really is valid, and you accuse her of lying that could be really detrimental to her. my personal opinion is to back off. if you really feel like you need to say something, tell her you're concerned for her, and want her to get help. because either way, whether this actually did happen to her, or she's this desperate for attention there's a big issue here and she sounds like she could really benefit from counseling. if you're not comfortable saying that, i would back off for a little while.

Her story is a bunch of bullsh*t. I don't want to go into details, but someone that has been raped does NOT go around parading it in other people's faces.

sounds like garbage to me. something similar happened with a good friend and his girlfriend. he was out of town, she went to a local bar, got down with a few guys (blow jobs in the car park type thing) and in my opinion she seemed totally in control (she is usually very flirty when her bf is around and crazy when he's not). when she realised she'd been sprung, she claimed to have been given a date-rape drug and that she didn't know what was happening. her boyfriend believes her but she has no respect from any of our friends anymore as we reckon she was just making it up. he can't see it know but i'm pretty sure the penny will drop one day and he'll realise she's taking him for a fool - and your girl's guy will do to hopefully, you can't make people realise how manipulative some people are, just let things run their course and put some distance between you and her.

My best friend in high school was a pathological liar - and we found out for sure when she claimed she'd gotten raped, and the stories she told me and our other best friend didn't match, and didn't add up. Confronting her about it was incredibly difficult, because there is always that slim chance that the liar is, for once, telling the truth... but I think you just know in your gut when someone is lying to you, especially when their reaction to such a traumatic event doesn't fit the realm of what it should be (advertising it, for example, is really awfully strange!)

She never really came clean, and we never spoke again; the third friend and I are still best friends, 15 years later, and we still talk about the girl who was so needy for attention she had to make up not only boyfriends but rapists (!). It's incredibly sad, this type of lies is obviously pathological and springs from a need to be heard and understood and cared for; in the case of your friend, however, it's also a way to completely take the responsibility for her promiscuous and whorish behavior off herself. She'll have a rude awakening; and losing a friend who insists on honesty could be a great wake-up call. So if I were you, I would tell her in not so many words that because of her past behavior you simply have a hard time believing her, and that she needs to own up to her own demons, face her problems, get help, or you cannot be her friend anymore. There is a huge chance that you are right; and indulging her blame-free fantasy is NOT helping her; so if I were you... I'd confront her. Tough love is sometimes the most beautiful show of friendship.

Technically, I believe in some places it is considered rape if the person is not coherent enough to consent...which you aren't if you're drunk.

My sister was in the same situation, she was raped when she was drunk by someone she knew, they fooled around but she told him to stop and yet he continued.

Taking advantage of someone is wrong, whether they're drunk or sober...I don't know whether your friend really was raped or not, but I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt and support her.

cjmara: You're right, legally and technically it is rape. However, in the colloquial sense, I'd be hard pressed to call it rape. I've been in a similar situation, and I've never thought of myself as "being raped" - I was taken advantage of, certainly, but I'm not free of blame in the matter. And I certainly haven't gone around telling everyone about it. The problem is, even if the whole story is entirely true, that behaviour will sadly make people doubt it.

Karlotta, same thing happened to me with my then-best friend. I wouldn't really know what to suggest to the poster, given the fact that I never really knew how to deal with situation myself. I think Meike's advice is actually the best. It would teach her a lesson. Getting raped is one of the worst things that can happen to a woman and it really pisses me off that some women use that to get attention.

Imho, she's ashamed of what she did and uses an excuse. But put that way, she'll never listen. I think she's lying to herself and not really ready to take the truth. But that's just "imho".

Make her take responsibility for her actions and words.

* Tell her to stop drinking. "Rape is such a terrible thing, you wouldn't want that to happen again?"

* Tell her to tell the police. "You HAVE TO tell the police if you've been raped. What if the guy does the same to another girl?"

* Ask wether she has trouble sleeping or something. When Fiona Apple was raped, she couldn't sleep until she double-checked wether there was no one in any closet.

* Tell her to start therapy. Rape is a really traumatic experience.

If she has to take such big steps as pressing charges or therapy, she'll back off if she's lying. Or do it if she's in the same situation as in Elisabeth's comment.

morganfay- having the same thing happen to you does not really give you the right to say that in the "colloquial sense" it isn't rape. Men who take advantage of drunk women who lack the ability to say yes or no are raping them, hence "taking advantage." Don't wear it like some badge of honor that you feel guilty you got that drunk in the first place, geez, that doesn't give a man the right to rape you.

I really don't know how to respond in this case. Odds are, she is making the entire thing up, but if she has a drinking problem, or is just insanely stupid and puts herself in really bad situations, I could see how this sort of thing happened more than once and how it could still be rape. I agree with dearsugar's advice. Perhaps suggest she get some counseling so you don't have to be the one to figure this thing out!

Your friend is a psycho. I suggest distancing yourself from her until she gets psychiatric help.

Lilavatti- I understand where you're coming from, but some women who lie about being raped do press charges. If this friend wasn't raped, and the poster still pushes her to press charges, it could blow up in her face!

I know someone who did that a lot, too. She'd have lots of drunken trysts with guys. If the guy did something she disliked (or if she got bored of him), she'd claim that she got raped. She'd go around telling everyone that she got raped by so and so, and then there'd be a pitty party for her.

Rape is a very, very serious matter and it hurts lots of women AND men. But as a few people mentioned earlier, rape victims are usually quiet, hurt, and shamed by their experience. People who usually go around blabbing about the ordeal are probably just drama queens looking for attention.

If you're at the same school as your friend, I would send a report to the school health center or counseling center. Your friend clearly has deeper issues with relationships, trust, confidentiality, and substance abuse. I would also confront her personally and tell her what you feel.

IMHO (which im sure will get chewed out) people like this "friend" give rape a bad name. rape is a serious thing. its not a 'oh i was drunk, slept with a guy, and then woke up the next morning and realized i didn't want to'. i understand if youre too drunk to say yes/no. but if youre in that stage where you can still make decisions (albeit maybe bad ones) thats not rape. thats called mistakes. and it gives people who really were honest to god raped a bad name.

ALSO as an addition, if you keep doing it, maybe you shouldnt let yourself get to that point of drunkness.

Maybe men should quit raping drunk women.

I agree--she's psycho. I would suggest to her to get therapy to help her cope with the "rapes." More than likely, I would drift away from her as a friend. Her behavior is very toxic, and I would have to put down some boundaries. That's just me.

Here here snowbunny11. It is sad to see that out of this situation a woman who nobody on this site knows has been accused of being whorish or promiscuous. In the absence of any knowledge about what actually happened, it is so damaging to begin the conversation by blaming the woman. Furthermore, how hurtful is it to men, that we consider them incapable of understanding rape law, or having the good sense not to have intercourse with someone too inebriated to consent? Why, as women, are we tearing this woman down, instead of trying to help, as the original writer does? Why, in general, are women so quick to call each other wh*res or b*tches, to say they were "asking for it", in these situations?

If this woman is lying, she could benefit from someone to talk to about these issues. However, her choice to cheat on her boyfriend, while hurtful or dishonest to him, should not be used as evidence that she is either lying or not. That question can only be answered by herself, and any attempts by others to judge for themselves would be tremendously hurtful.

And as terrible as a false accusation is, they are a minority when compared to the 550,000 rape victims who never report, either due to fear or to the simple knowledge that most DA offices will never take their case to court.

Honestly, I would probably distance myself from this friend for a while. Feeding attention-mongers more attention will cause them to continue their destructive behavior. She seems to be dealing with the supposed rape in her own way - by telling everybody. You don't need to be there for her if you feel that was she did is wrong.

As much as I sympathize with rape victims, I'm also aware of the cases of false accusations that can ruin the men (who happened to be innocent of the crime). I just got reminded of the Duke case, because the whole things got thrown out of the court and then the DA ended up getting some time in jail (a day was it?) for malicious prosecution.

As for your friend, if you have nothing 'nice' to say to her, or if you're too 'tired' about her repeated behavior, you need to back off and not berate her.
If anything, you need to 1) get her to file a police report (this is if she's really a victim--or at least ASK her to do so), 2) force her to go to a counselor to discuss her issue/to deal with whatever she's dealing.

There's no need for you to openly accuse her of lying because anything is possible in this case (it may be true, it may be false) but it's not your job to judge if it's true or not.
If you think she's detrimental toward you mentally (you get tired from dealing with her), like I suggest earlier: back off slowly from her and there's no need to keep friends who are not good for you.

Good luck.

I agree with Dear Sugar's mentioning of her actions - if she is inviting men that it seems she doesn't know while she's drunk at a bar to her apartment, what kind of *message* is she sending to that guy to begin with? You need to warn your friend that she could be placing herself into dangerous situations.

Besides asking her to go to the police, also ask her to go get screened for STIs - remind her that she needs to make sure that she and her boyfriend's sexual health needs to remain safe too.

Kjonas and snowbunny, I agree that you can't really tell if this woman was or was not raped, but god forgive i I'm wrong it just doesn't seem like she was, and you're right we don't even know her to question her behaviour and if she was drunk enough to not say yes/no it is technically rape. But I just can't think why anyone in that situation would go around telling everybody. Besides I've met people who lie about these things, and its what pisses me off because they take these situations lightly and its just not cute.
As for the poster, I say support your friend or keep a distance for a while because truth be told you will never know if she was or was not raped and that is something you have to deal with.

if you have been raped, you would not tell anyone other than your closest of close friends and you couldn't even talk about it without getting emotional (assuming it happened recently).

I once knew this girl who was fairly religious and had a very religious family and she wasn't exactly angelic. She swore that she was raped a few several times (over I think about 4 times) and I just knew that it was her excuse because of this religous affiliation. Although this girl isn't religious it's a relationship issue, I do aggree with a lot of the above where it is her excuse.

#1 she invited him in, just cause your boyfriend is away doesn't mean that's okay
#2 she is telling everybody

she`s usiinq alcohol as an excuse for her cheatinq on her boyfriend then tryinq to cover it up with rape, if she does it all the tiime then she knows exactly what she`s doinq and she needs help

I only called her promiscuous and whorish because the poster said herself that she got touchy feely with guys when she's drunk, that she'd drunkenly cheated on her BF several times, and that she'd claimed it was raped a few of those times. With that information on the table, I can't really bring myself to call her a f*cking flower.

Karlotta- You said, "that she'd drunkenly cheated on her BF several times, and that she'd claimed it was raped a few of those times. "

Really, where is that, the poster actually said:

"but this isn't the first time she drunkenly cheated on her boyfriend. It's also not the first time she has had drunken sex and claimed the guy raped her."

She didn't mention anything about "several." Your first impulse is to make it sound like this friend is even more of a wh*re than the poster made it sound.

I think that is the issue that Kjonas and I are having. I mean, my gut reaction from reading this is that it is more likely than not that she wasn't raped, but we really don't know. When I complain about my friends, I tend to exaggerate, the poster COULD be doing that.

If she were too drunk to make the decision whether or not to have sex, she was raped. This is regardless of whether or not she cheated on her boyfriend, had claimed to be raped before, willingly drank the alcohol, etc. Men know this, my fabulous guy friends "jokingly" complain about it all the time.

The point is, we don't know and can't know what happened from this question, neither can the friend, and it's really disturbing that the women on here jump to villifying this friend as "attention-seeking." It's possible that she got incredibly wasted and raped. I don't condone cheating or drinking yourself to oblivion either, but I don't see why anyone would trust this random guy more than this random woman. Kjonas is right, we're women, so we should support each other, not call each other sluts.

I don't have great advice for the poster either, if she is suspicious that she wasn't really raped, she needs to somehow make her friend understand how serious of an accusation that is without being seriously un-supportive if she really were raped. And, as Dear pointed out, even if she weren't raped, the friend has issues and needs help anyway. Yeah, it stinks to be sucked into a friend's drama, but really, no one is perfect and women need friends.

I am sorry

But if you allow yourself to get drunk, and invite a strange man over to your house..be it yes or be it no it's still your fault..

And this twit is just making it worse for other women who are actually raped.. There are so many false cases that ruin mens lives because women don't want to accept responsibility for their actions..

I understand that it is sad that in our society women aren't as safe as they want to be.. But the fact of the matter is.. you should know better

You walk through a dark park late at night alone.. and you get attacked.. I am sorry.. That's partly your fault.. You should have some freakin common sense

Same as if you get drunk beyond words and you end up having intercourse.. I don't care if you didn't want it to happen.. Fact of the matter is you allowed yourself to get into that situation accept the consequences..

Yeah, really, I mean, what are men supposed to do, NOT have sex with a woman just because she's too drunk to say no? Poor men, how would they EVER have sex if it weren't for date rape? They should even get bonus points in my book for using date-rape drugs or pushing an extra glass of champagne!

We don't know what happened in this case, but it really disturbs me that this thread has turned into a defense of men raping drunk women. So, right, even if she was telling the truth, it was STILL her fault.

This is not in defense of men raping drunk women, this is in defense of stupid women getting drunk and then blaming men for it.. when they themselves should be accepting responsibility

If you cannot handle yourself in public drunk.. then don't get drunk...

It's that simple

"You walk through a dark park late at night alone.. and you get attacked.. I am sorry.. That's partly your fault.. You should have some freakin common sense"

No. Absolutely not. Women have just as much right to walk where they want to at what time they want to without having to fear for their safety. We do, regardless, but it's men who make us fear.

And to the OP, if she was raped, different women display different emotions post-rape. You never know, and if you accuse her of lying it will be a Pandora's Box. She may not want to report to the police because she may have guilt over it (Just because you talk about it to friends, doesn't mean you don't still have underlying guilt).

Therapy is the best option, and if she's afraid to go to a councilor alone or doesn't want to, offer to find a rape support group in town and go with her.

Tell her what lilavati said: reporting it, seeking help, etc. If everything turns out to be true, then stick with your friend, she's going to need someone. If not, then she obviously has other problems and ditch her.

As much as "real" rape can destroy a woman, "fake" rape can destroy men. If you have been raped before I highly doubt you would act as the girl described in the post. And I think women should be able to dress however they see please, and have guy friends and so on; but this isn't about that. Some people lie, and ruin other peoples lives to look better. It creates suspicion against true victims of rape, and makes it harder to put rapists in jail. If there is a pattern of reckless behavior and misrepresentation, which is how I read it, I would do as Dearsugar suggests and tell her to go get help.

Stareosarus it's people like you that are the problem.. and are at the root of what I am saying

Sure it'd be nice to go lalala all through life and think to yourself because it shouldn't happen it won't

Fact of the matter is - IT DOES HAPPEN.. So use some common sense.. Women and men should have the right to walk through a dark park, a dark alley late at night with no recourse.. But fact of the matter is we live in a society where that's just not possible anymore..Be it rape, muggings, or falling down and hurting yourself and having no one there to help you.. And no amount of positive thinking is going to change this fact..

And don't put this on men, women rape men as well but most guys won't speak out about it..

Your thinking leaves people who are hurt in these cases as guilty, wiciltd, a guilt they already have to carry for the rest of their natural lives. A guilt that they shouldn't have to live with because it is NOT their fault. Stop perpetuating the "Blame the victim!" mentality, it does more harm to everyone involved than it will ever do good.

Yes, women rape men. Women rape women, and men rape men too. Does that mean the victim is in the wrong because the genders can be moved around? No. Does the victim need to shoulder guilt because they were drunk, on drugs, or out late at night? No, never. Because these things can happen anywhere, and at any time, and to anyone. Your "common sense" doesn't mean anything in this case, because you SHOULD have the right to walk out at night in pasties and a thong and not have anyone put their hands on you. Do I advocate that? No, because bad things happen and the courts throw it back on the victim rather than the party that took their sense of self, and destroyed their life.

And in that case, if you believe I'm the problem still, I'd rather that than be part of your solution.

that's a tricky situation. =/ but, it does seem iffy if this isn't the first time shes cried rape.

Stareosarus - I won't walk around with my head in the sand and live in this happy little bubble that because it shouldn't happen it won't..

And I agree - no one deserves to be raped.. I know the scars it can leave and how it can effect someone for life... Which is why I would go out of my way to be safe..

I live my life in REALITY.. This place where violence happens, rape happens, murder happens.. And I won't allow myself to be an easy victim..

And these people are making choices.. They're CHOOSING to get sh*t faced beyond words without a safety net.. and end up going home with some guy - something that never would have happened if they were sober..

You have to live your life in the real world, not in what oyu think the real world should be

Women like your friend make it so much harder for women who actually ARE raped.

I wanted to add one point. Please be careful if you encourage your friend to report her suspicions to the police. As mentioned in some of the comments above, this action can have disastrous effects on an individual's life. Claiming another person is a rapist, whether it turns out to be true or not, will permanently impact the life of that person.

I do think that of all of these suggestions, encouraging your friend to find additional support (therapy, advice from other victims, etc.) seems like a very good option. Hope you can figure this situation out.

Situation #1- She was raped, and isn't lying. You are so iffy about her honesty that you are doubting she was raped at all-distance yourself from this friend. In her situation she does not need a friend in her life doubting the pain she went through.

Situation #2- She is lying, and you are right for doubting her. Distance yourself from her-you don't need that kind of crazy b*tch in your life-what kind of friend can she be if she is so willing to lie about something like rape?

So, either way, I would distance yourself from this friend. You either aren't helping her by doubting her in her time of need, or she isn't doing you any favors by lying about something this huge.

Personally, I find it a tad suspicious that she is broadcasting it and am leaning towards thinking she is lying, but it may just be her way of dealing with it. So again, we weren't there, we dont know what actually happened, so I wouldn't make any confrontations with her demanding to know 'the truth'.

At this point I'm starting to wonder if it really matters what you think about the situation. This is someone that you don't think of as too much of a friend. It actually seems to me like you don't even like her the way you talked about her in your post. Which is fine, but you shouldn't be associating yourself with her if that's the case.

Obviously she makes bad decisions regardless. But only her and the man she went home with will really know what happened. The very fact that this happened to her and she's running around telling a kinds a people about it seems to be enough of a reason not to want to associate youself with her. She seems like a self destructive person.

...and wiciltd, it's because of people like YOU that victims of rape and sexual assault are too afraid to come forward and report these crimes. It's because of people like YOU that many rapists will never see the inside of a courthouse, let alone a jail cell. It's because of people like YOU that genuine victims of rape will suffer alone and in silence and in perpetual fear of their rapists because they know that people like YOU will make all sorts of cruel and ignorant assumptions and judgments about their character and intelligence.

Can't you see that you're part of a vicious cycle? Yes, I agree that it would be unwise to get drunk with a strange man, and that it's not a good idea to walk down an alley alone at night. I myself take great precautions to never find myself in these situations. But as long as we continue to blame the victims of these crimes, we are only HELPING THE CRIMINALS to get away with it by shaming their victims into silence. You may think your attitude empowers women, when in REALITY (a word you seem fond of) you're actually empowering these predators.

I'm sure you don't realize that your logic is prejudiced against men as well. By taking the "Hey, she was asking for it, and boys will be boys, and that's just the way it is" approach, you're also making some dangerous and unfair assumptions about men. You're basically suggesting that given the opportunity, all men could potentially become rapists. Well, have more faith in the other gender than that - I know plenty of guys who think it's absolutely reprehensible to take advantage of a drunk girl, even if she did put herself in that state. Men DO have a choice, it is ENTIRELY their choice, and any real man understands this and owns it, and knows that only a cowardly weasel would use the excuse, "But she was asking for it."

A woman who has had too much to drink hasn't committed any crime - maybe she made a mistake, but so have we all. If she is raped, it is the MAN who made the choice to do so, a choice that she had NOTHING to do with. And if it happens more than once, then she might not be the quickest learner - hell, let's even come right out and call her stupid, dumb, moronic, but STILL the fact remains that no crime was committed until the man made the choice to take advantage of her.

I hope I didn't come across too harshly, because I used to think like you too. I did, until I started studying these issues in university and I was horrified to realize that I was part of the problem. Well, no more. And I commend snowbunny and Stareosaurus for arguing so passionately about this issue, because the level of ignorance regarding rape is outrageous.