I think your best friend handled the situation poorly. She really should have come to you first before hooking-up with your ex. Also, she should not have lied to you. Given the 10-year friendship you two had, she should have treated you with more sensitivity and respect.

I'm not sure what you miss about that friendship. The selfish, immature behavior? Or the lying? THOSE aspects were part of the friendship, too.

Forgive your ex-bestfriend (for your own sake). But if I were you, I wouldn't reconcile with her. Forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate issues. They don't have to go hand-in-hand.

er... she deserves all your indifference towards her.

She didn't told you... she should have know "the later the worst", in fact, I think she knew that, and still didn't tell you.

Don't feel bad. You don't have to broke things with her, like GlowingMoon said forgive and let her pass... and indifference should be your flag.

There are a lot of people out there, and a lot of them are very nice people who could be or are very nice friends.

She is the one who should have start pleading and leaving that guy. They know the rules (bros before hos).

You can come back clean, but obviously this is something you will not forget, and not because she is seeing your ex, that part you could forgive. The part that you wont forgive was the part of the lying to you.

I hate when "friends" do that!!! what do they win lying on those things, soon or later we'll find out and we start seeing them differently, as someone who don't trust and can't be trusted.

This is why I only "socialize" with women, not befriend them.
It took me awhile to understand that some women will never be mature.

Throw away 12 years of relationships! Ditch that insensitive guy and insensitive friend and continue on with your life. If she would go behind your back not even two weeks after such a huge breakup and sleep with the guy it doesn't say much about her friend ability. It's not even worth continuing the friendship. She couldn't even be honest with you...

I had this happen to me once, actually.

I found out about it, was absolutely hurt about, so I let her know that she had hurt my deeply, and that I felt completely betrayed by her. I told her that what she did is inappropriate, that she had been a bad friend, and that I would speak to her again when I had calmed down, and had gotten over the situation. I didn't speak to her for a few months, then I finally did. She was horrified at hurting me, or so she said, but said she developed VERY strong feelings for the boy. I said, fine, do whatever you need to do - just understand that I am not ready to hang out with the two of you. I ended up becoming comfortable with it, and caring more about the happiness of the individuals rather than my previous feelings of betrayal. They broke up, though, and then I comforted her.

Let this girl know that she hurt you deeply, and that you feel very betrayed. Don't say anything hurtful, then just step back and attempt to "get over it." They'll probably break up anyway - and if they don't, then she had found real happiness, and you should BE happy for her. Plus, to be honest, the guy is probably a douche anyway.

Wow, bad move by your friend, to claim your ex SO SOON after the break up then lying about it.

I can understand how you're so mad at her. She probably was your confidante too, the one you turn to when you're so upset about the relationship and it turned out the two have had their eyes on each other, the whole time! Then the lying and such, it shows that she KNOWS what she did was wrong, if not, why lie?

Take your time and try to get over the whole ordeal, and part of it, probably you need to step off from the two of them. If they want to be together, then let them and just move on with your life.

It's completely up to you if in the future you're even considering to regain friendship.

My best friend of about 18 years went through something similar (no, I didn't hook up with her boyfriend!) with someone who called her "her best friend" - she was dating a guy in college, was pretty sure she was going to marry him, and her *friend* slept with him in the college dorm room they shared while they were dating...and yes, she found out from someone else. They had been close friends for about 8 years.

It took some time, but my friend is also one of the most forgiving people on earth. She did forgive her in time and they are still somewhat friends, but it definitely took a long time for them to speak to each other.

Every situation is different, and I guess it depends on how you feel about the relationship that ended (with the guy) and the relationship you have (with the girl). I think the best thing, no matter what, is to take time away. My best friend and myself, although for extremely different reasons, got into a huge, immature fight when we were 16 and didn't speak for almost a year - we did everything together! It wasn't until a month or so before our next school year (8 months later) that I realized her friendship wasn't worth throwing away...then again, it wasn't for something like this. We've been tighter than ever ever since.

Okay, sorry for the long-winded answer, but I think taking time out to figure out how you really feel right now is the first priority for you. YOU are the most important person, not either of these people.

Good luck!

Walk away from them both. A friend of many years once did something similar to me, and I completely forgave her. Then a few years later she did something worse. What I realised is that she was an incredibly selfish person who would always think of herself before me or any of her other friends. And she wasn't able to accept responsibilty for her actions and made all the excuses she could think of. What your friend has done is horrid and selfish, I wouldn't wait around for her to betray you again.

As for the anger, I don't know if I can offer you any good advice as I'm probably still a little angry at my ex friend. Forgive, forget and move on, it's difficult to do, especially if you have the same circle of friends. Good luck!

I seriously doubt they just started hooking up 2 weeks after your breakup. Plus, the only way you found out was when you caught them, which means they would have kept it secret and that had no intention of ever confessing.

And what "friendship" are you really missing? Her lying to you? Her sleeping with your ex? Her keeping secrets? Is that the kind of friend you want?

A true friend would NEVER do that to you. She obviously didn't value your friendship the way you valued hers.

I'd let her go...if she betrayed you like this once, what's to stop her from doing it again? You don't need "friends" like that in your life.

Wow, how desperate are you for friends? With friends like this who needs enemies. You've only been broken up with your man for a month and you found out they hooked up 2 weeks after your breakup. You seriously believe that they weren't hooking up WHILE you were dating him? I think your "friend" has a good idea of naive and gullible you are which is probably why she doesn't feel a need to come clean. I mean this is the ultimate betrayal and your still trying to keep her as your "friend". When will enough be enough...when she sleeps with your husband in the future after you had 3 kids? She's already shown you what type of friend she is, you'd be a fool to keep her around and have her do this to you again. Forgiving her is one thing which is fine but being friends with someone like this is ridiculous.

He sounds like an ass, and she is not a friend. No true friend would do that. Get rid of both of them, and find more trustworthy people to have in your life.

I've had something like this happen to me before, and I know what she means by missing the friendships.. obviously, not the lying and the betrayal, but the time they used to spend together like shopping, gossiping, and just generally keeping up with each other's lives. It's hard to find and build that with someone else, especially when you've grown such a strong bond with your "best friend" already.. It's the worst when the two people closest to you betray you.. It can make you feel incredibly lonely..

Walk away from them both. Even if you all work hard to mend things and they suddenly become honest with you and the best of all possible situations magically happens, you will never be able to really trust them again. Ever. There will ALWAYS be that weird undercurrent of resentment.

It is a very sensitive subject...yes she handled it poorly but then again, when do most of us handle a difficult situation properly? We only see the "right" way to do it when we are either (1) an outside view or (2) have had time to think it over.
Truth is, love sucks:) And life's short so I can see her desperation in wanting to be with this man if she has that strong of feelings for him. Because too many women stake their claim to a man just because they dated him (not saying you would!), and she could have been so worried that you would say no to her dating him if she came out and asked, that she just went for it. While it isn't the best way, it is her just trying to find happiness in love. And THAT is how I would look at it and bring it up to her, saying that you understand, but you just don't appreciate HOW she did it, since you two are such good friends. I mean, 10 years down the road she could be married to this man, you to another great guy that just makes your world, and could be laughing about what a dolt she was.
So if she is a friend you want in your life always, then bulk up and forgive and realize that people are VERY flawed and we all make mistakes and do very stupid things.

"This is why I only "socialize" with women, not befriend them.
It took me awhile to understand that some women will never be mature."

I had to register because of this comment. almost famous, does this mean that all men are always mature? I'm just curious. Or do you not befriend men, either? I'm not trying to be mean, I sometimes just don't understand the attitudes & expectations that some women have toward other women, and would appreciate a better explanation, if you wouldn't mind.

She should have stayed away. If they had real chemistry, not just physical attraction, she should have come to you and talked with you about it. Even if you would have agreed, which I doubt, a few weeks is not enough time to get over a 2-year relationship.

I don't really trust women either. I've only really met one that I could see as a real friend.

Me too Kae...
I've never understood some women and their own logic behind things. I don't believe in calling people out however, how can someone see good in sleeping with their best friend's Ex? There should be no positivity in that! At least I personally don't see any.

I've had to end numerous friendships because some women were down right crazy!

i think, sleeplessly, what almost famous is trying to say is that while men are not always "mature" necessarily, they are MUCH less likely to stab you in the back or do something catty to you, opposed to women, who alot of the time would betray their own sister and think nothing of it at the time. i know this sounds like a stereotype, but alot of the time it's true.
i'm not really friends with very many women either, for this exact reason, girls are far too catty, and drama surrounds them that really just isn't necessary.

I was on the other side of that situation once - my best friend had been broken up with a guy she'd been SLEEPING with (not even dating) for a couple of months when September 11 happened (I lived in NY at the time). He was an old friend of mine - I introduced them - and a couple of weeks after 9/11, he and I went out for a drink, which became 2 then 5 then I can't remember how many (we were distraught over the events - I'm not a dirty promiscuous drunk usually!) and one thing led to another.

I felt horrible the next day, but when she called me I wasn't prepared, I had no idea how to tell her, so I lied about what happened the previous night. And once you've lied... how do you admit to that too? So I kept lying for weeks, while he and I got closer and closer and started dating, and I had no idea how to break it to her. She was in a new relationship and happy, but still, I knew what I'd done was really f*cked up, so I kept digging myself into the lie.

When I finally told her, it'd been 2 months, and she never forgave me - not even the sleeping with him part, but the lying part. I understand, I don't blame her for it. So, what I'd like to say is, I'm a really good girl, and usually (!) a really good friend, but mistakes happen, and sometimes good people don't know how to handle those mistakes (they're the ones who are usually the most ashamed of them.) I think what your friend did was really awful, but maybe there is more to the story, and she didn't know how to tell you. Or maybe she's just a skanky wh*re who deserves your contempt for the rest of her life - I don't know. All I'm saying is, I've been on the other side, and it's NOT always all black or white.

For a while, my friend and I started hanging out again, but my very very very intense feelings of guilt never subsided, and our relationship was forever thwarted. Even if you manage to forgive her, either because you've got a great heart, either because you learn of attenuating circumstances, chances are it will never be the same.

My friend blew up at me for no reason one day, and she spilled so much garbage on me because of what had happened many years before with that guy, that I understood that there was no fixing it ever. I'm paying the price - it wasn't worth it. Your friend will figure that one out too. I'm sorry for you that you have to pay it too. Unfortunately, we're an awful bunch, we stab each other in the back, sometimes without meaning to - sometimes because we're so goddamn selfish. I hate that I did that once in my life. I think so will she.

I don't know if I believe that women are more likely to stab each other in the back than men are. Sometimes I really think issues of betrayal between women are just more out in the open because women are so much more likely to talk about what's happening. Men betray other men all the time, but for some reason men don't talk about these things as much. I don't know if the answer is to avoid friendships with women, I think it's probably much more toxic to distrust the friendship of an entire sex.

I think that you need time and space more than anything. It's hard to lose your best friend and your boyfriend at the same time, but after awhile, you'll have other things to fill the gaps they left in your life, and then you can decide whether or not it's worth it being friends with her. It's amazing how differently you feel about things when you no longer think you NEED them, and can decide instead that you WANT them. Maybe just tell yourself that you don't have to get over any sort of anger right now, and check in with yourself in a few months, see how you feel then.

Right now, it doesn't seem like she's capable of being friends with you either, especially if she's having trouble being honest about what's going on. I'm not judging her, I'm just saying that I don't think you'd even be able to have a real friendship with her at this point in time, so maybe it's best to take a hiatus and think about things.

So sorry this is happening! Good luck with everything.

how would you feel if she HAD came to you and told you that she and your ex are an item??

I guess something similar happened to me.

My boyfriend of almost 1 year broke up with me and I was heartbroken. So of course, I turned to my best friend of 1 year (I was a college sophomore), who kind of helped me through the situation. About a month before though, I had a very bad fight with her but I thought it was okay...

But a week or two after the breakup, I found out that she would have rather hung out with him than with me. Apparently, my sadness was too much for her, which sucks, but fine. BUT! Why did she have to hang out with my ex, cuz although they were friends, I didn't think they were SUPER close. So I would say she and I had another fight after that.

Then, I guess a month after the breakup, another friend told me that she saw my ex-bf and my ex-best friend kissing.

To this day, about a year later, I am not friends with them nor do I think I ever will be. To know how I felt about my ex-bf AT THAT TIME still, and then go start dating him... I cannot deal with someone so selfish. Her excuse was that since she and I were no longer friends (because after 2 fights, we can't be friends EVER?) she shouldn't have to care about me... I guess we were never friends anyway then, cuz I would never do something so hurtful to someone I had a strong bond with, even if that bond was broken.

Honestly, this is one of the many reasons why I only "socialize" with most women as well. I have my sister and one really good girlfriend, and both act like 'guy friends,' so they're awesome.

I meant "this is one of the reasons why I DON'T socialize with most women," not 'only.'

still early.

In college my roommate slept with my bf - we had recently broken up so technically he *wasn't* my bf anymore. Maybe I'm weird, but I blamed him more than I blamed her. I saw right through the situation and realized he did it on purpose - to make me upset and get back at me for breaking up with him. As for her ... while I was leery about it, I was more worried she'd been used as a pawn in his game.

We did take some time apart, but a few years later she got engaged (to another man) and called me up because she was freaking out about getting married. Long story short, we renewed the friendship and that was about 20 years ago. We still keep in touch. People change and grow etc. If it's a true friendship, it'll outlast this sort of thing. All's fair in love and war.

As for the ex-bf, I saw him a few years back and although married now, he wouldn't talk to me. Now *that* was mature. Heh.

This happened to me & I realized that when she was hooking up with my ex, she never once thought about my feelings. That is something that I could not imagine myself doing.

It comes down to this: Put yourself in her shoes...could you see yourself doing something like that to a true friend? Obviously, the thought of hurting you wasn't as much of a priority as her hooking up with your ex.

In my situation, I had been best friends with this girl for over 10 years. We did everything together...she hooked up with an ex of mine, and then other things happened as well. In the end, we lost touch. As time went on, we went our seperate ways. I'm now married & my husband is my "best friend" :)-- and I have many other friends.

I do agree about women being catty & judgemental. I always had more guy friends...because they "say it like it is"...and guys can not talk for a few years, then contact each other & it is like they never were apart for years (it is strange...but honorable).

Ditch the friend and the ex, for good. She didn't take you into consideration and slept with your ex. I think that it shows how much respect for herself and respect for others she has, and it shows how much your friendship is worth to her. I say f*** them, you don't need trashy people like that in your life.

I don't blame you if you never want to speak to her again. That's one of the most ultimate betrayals. But you do need to get some closure to put it behind you, so you should confront her about it. Ask her flat out what's going on and why she did it. It may help you to get closure and move on.

And for those who say most women can't be trusted, don't pool all women together like that. I find that women who have no girlfriends are the ones who can't be trusted, not the other way around.

I agree with most of the comments here. I would live them both alone...however this is the perfect time to examine how you handle your relationships with your girlfriends. This was obviously going on prior to your breakup and as hard as you might want to cover it up the signs were there. We all see them and it is painful to accept. One thing is for sure, I purposely don't go down the road with my girlfriends that involve talking about every facet of my relationship with them, I let them know in no uncertain terms that there is no need for unnecessary conversations or hanging out with my boyfriend when I am not around. This does not mean that I don't trust her, but it does mean that I take my relationship seriously and value my privacy. Far too many women don't set expectations for their female friends and their signifcant others. While this might have happened due to a lack of communication or just plain out growing each other, sometimes We invite trouble ourselves.

Wow. What a horrible situation for you. I'm sure you're deeply hurt and you absolutely have my sympathies. It's painful, confusing and on some level, embarrassing.

My own feeling is that the trust between you and this friend is now gone. And when the trust is gone from any relationship, it's never going to work again. Not all friendships are meant to last forever, and this sounds like one of them. Personally, I'd just walk away from the whole mess and not bother with either of them again. At all. No more conversations with her about how many times, when or where. Nothing. Just end it now. For your own sake.

Just walk away.

How are you ever supposed to trust or respect anyone who obviously doesn't respect you in return. Neither of them are worth your time or energy.

Even if you forgive her, you'll never be able to get over what she did to you in regards to your ex. While it may be hard to let 10+ years of friendship go, how can you continue to be friends w/someone who had blatant disregard for your emotions?

Some people seemed to have forgotten the old saying..."Good friends are hard to find". Just because you've befriended a few women now, doesn't mean these women will be there a few years from now....

I learned that the hard way!

She did not care about the 10 years of friendship. Neither should you, only because if she is heartless enough to do this to you, who knows what she will do later on in life. Cut your losses and move on.

I agree with shopgrrl, however, I think you just need time to get over it and move on with your life. Try not to dwell on the hurt and pain but try to move past it and on with your life. I feel horrible about your hurt and pain; but I think that you will be okay and that you will be better in the long run. I wish you much luck. I also think that you should not have negative thoughts about all women, all women are not evil and there are honest women and friends out here in this world. Having negative thoughts like this cuts you off from the world and having positive experiences.

She shouldn't have lied to you.

And she should have asked permission first.

If this happened to me, I would likely forgive my friend, especially if I had been the one to break off the relationship. But I'm not really one who buys into the rule of never dating an ex so it wouldn't bother me as much as it would some. I do dislike the lying, of course, but I would certainly understand it.

I think they were doing stuff way before that two week period.

Any reason for the break-up? Or was it the "It's not you, it's me" deal?

Honestly, forgive and move on with your life, minus the two untrustworthy people. They can be happy together.

My friend did this to me as well. I guess women/girls just want a man, and not a friendship. (And my ex went with her because she gave it up, when I wouldn't. And she learned the hard way when I told her he wasn't all that great; he likes to beat on women. Now I'm so glad, he's a loser.)

I'm with almost famous ; though I've moved away from my original birthplace, to a foreign place (From TX to NY) I don't have 'friends' I just socalize a lot with women, but beyond that nothing more.

I've got what I need, it's cliche, but my boyfriend and my mother keep me perfectly happy. Though I do long for the SATC type of friendship. lol.

Keep strong, OP. You'll find yourself relieved when you've got this behind you. It'll be tough, but in a few years you'll laugh.

And to my girls almost famous and Greentea1203 - keep it going!

(Not every woman is distrustful or dumb, I've met several great women, but sorry to say, every one of my boyfriend's friends girlfriends are so f*cking vapid, I can't stand it. Not to mention the whole, "OMG, I MUST GET HIM TO LIKE ME.. How do I do that? *Taps chin* I'll suck his dick!")

Dude, the hell with the both of them! Forget them both.

There are way too many cool people in the world to worry about the sh*tty ones.

Obviously this hurts major time, but after you take a period to mourn the death of these two friendships, you should go out into the world and do some activities to meet some new people.

Even if you dont think you need any new friends, just seeing that there are so many nice people out there will help reaffirm that you dont need these 2 losers in your life.

It sounds to me like they are perfect for each other, and it should be interesting to see how it plays out for them. I have a feeling you will be laughing your ass off one day looking back at this

The best advice is.... LET HER HAVE HIM!!!! You will thank your lucky stars.

I have been through this road before. My then good friend did this to me with my ex-bf and it was an eye-opener for me. I realised that you cannot trust everyone around you too much. When you take things lightly and become too comfortable, things might get out of hand.

I am now with someone i truly enjoy being with, and most importantly, he is a gift from God to me for all my patience, tears and pain i had gone through.

Look on the bright side, honey. At least you didn't marry him. Spend time with yourself. Stay away from both of them. Time heals all pain and sadness. You will become stronger. Give yourself time to heal, surround yourself with things that you enjoy.

I have forgiven those who hurt me,moved on.
All the best, take care of your well-being. *hug*

I've been on the other side of something like this, but I didn't so much lie as just completely keep her in the dark about it. (I'm not saying that's any better, just wanted to clarify that I didn't blatantly lie to her face about it.) She never forgave me. We had a giant falling out and she said we could go on pretending to be friends and hanging out and stuff, but I knew she would hold it over me forever and decided I'd rather have her hate me for what I did than have a fake friendship.

I don't really miss her friendship, actually... I was sad about losing it at first but she's kind of a high maintenance friend. If she were to say she was sorry for blowing up at me and forgive me, I honestly don't know what I'd do. Sometimes, I do wonder "what if" but overall I've accepted that it's all in the past.

If you miss having her around, you could talk to her about it and don't be afraid to really let her have it... but otherwise, I wouldn't make any bigger fuss about it than just letting it go...

This happened to me too and I am so sorry for you. I hate to say that this friend who was so dear to my heart had stabbed me in the back before, and I had forgiven her, but this time was too much. I don't have any advice, only empathy. It's hard enough to go through a breakup - but a breakup with your BEST FRIEND is truly heartbreaking. =(